How to help dd14 understand her BPD sis 20

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello. I'm new here. I was just wondering if there's a book that wouldn't be to "clinical" to help my 14yo understand her sis, my dd who is BPD and 20yo. When I try try to explain things it just sounds like excuses. Although recently, there is no excuse for the behavior and things she said to us. My 14yo loves to read. We do read the language of letting go together sometimes which is helpful.

[Jend719]

Hello. I'm new here. I was just wondering if there's a book that wouldn't be to "clinical" to help my 14yo understand her sis, my dd who is BPD and 20yo. When I try try to explain things it just sounds like excuses. Although recently, there is no excuse for the behavior and things she said to us. My 14yo loves to read. We do read the language of letting go together sometimes which is helpful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sadandscared]

Hi, having the same trouble as you. Only it's our 19 year old daughter that can't and won't understand the actions of our 17 year old daughter that has BPD. She has been sending me mean texts all week ( she is in college an hour away) saying that unless we start to be more strict with our BPD daughter that she wants nothing to do with us. I'm positive that she doesn't really mean that but it still angers me. She hasn't lived here for almost 2 years and is a very type A personality in the fact that she always has at least one job and goes to college and has a lot of friends, ect... . I'm so happy that her life is organized and she's on the fast track to a good life. I just wish she knew the pain and struggles that go on here at home with her sister. I admit that my husband and I let things go more than we did with her and our older son. My excuse is "Can I please just not have everyday be such a mess?" I have asked our older daughter to read up on BPD just to get an idea of the disorder. I don't believe she has. She is a person that says " If you don't want to act that way then just stop" easy right?

[jellibeans]

I can relate to this problem... . my dd16 can really make our home life miserable... . my older daughter doesn't always understand. What I try and do is make a defining line for her. I really think it is good to set those kind of boundaries with my older daughter... . we are the parents in this house and we will be the ones that deal with her sister. My older daughter has a lot of anger at times towards my dd16 but I really try and tell her to be more understanding and if her sister is being unreasonable to just keep her distance. My older d has gone off to college and there is far less problems between them now so that is a good thing. I also try not to complain to tell too much to my older d... . I protect her from the trouble we have here... . she doesn't needed the stress or worry.

[lever.]

These sibling difficulties seem to be a recurring theme. My DDs are 29 and 33 now and I still find this a tricky subject. Parental love is often unconditional , the sibling bond less so.

I feel as if for years I have asked my younger DD to make allowances for her sister, and my BPD DD is very sensitive if she thinks I am favouring her sister. All my careful managing of difficult behaviour can be undermined by the sibling. I find the best I can do is to try to keep my relationship with each separate and not talk about the other one too much. I remember a horrible situation just before BPD DDs wedding when 2 days before she said that her sister who was the bridesmaid was no longer invited (over some minor slight). It feels like an almost deliberate attempt to force me to choose one over the other. I have noticed other posters talking about simila rdifficulties and hope we can share ideas. All I have to offer is to show all sibs that they are important to you.

Jend, I am glad you are seeking advice early. With hindsight I think I allowed older DD to bully her sister a bit and this has been harmful to their relationship. It would have been better if I had set firmer boundaries, although its eay to say that now they are older.

[lever.]

 Thinking about this I may have taken over from your original question. I can't think of a book that is ideal for a fourteen year old although if she is quite mature you may be able to look at some of Valerie Porr's book with her.

[six]

Hi Jend

I don't know of a book but Valerie Porr offers some type of a sibling course.  I also think the book "I don't have to make everything all better" is readable by a younger person and helps them understand that it is not their job to solve the problem of their sibling.

I think it is really important to get support for the siblings.  in my case, my BPDs is the oldest of six children and all of his younger siblings have suffered thru the disorder with us.  we have made a lot of mistakes along the way but my other kids know that we are struggling to find a middle ground that protects them as much as possible while not throwing their brother to the wolves.  for the most part, they are on board with us in this goal although some of them have suffered a lot from his abuse.

for me, as a parent, one of the hardest things has been to see the effect of this disorder on my other kids and the family as a whole.  on the other hand, I also see siblings who are emerging into adulthood with a compassion and an awareness that is beyond their years.  what I tell my 9-yr-old is that her brother's brain works differently than other people's and he isn't able to handle situations the way other people do.  we have to sympathize with him and try to be as helpful to him as we can be, but also recognize that the way he behaves is not acceptable and if he is misbehaving it is ok to leave the room and not respond to him.  I also have come to the difficult conclusion that he should not be left alone with the younger kids