Leaving on Ex's terms feeling owned and lost right now

[solejurnner]

On March 14 I will become homeless as a result of my failed relationship with my now ex-GF that I believe to have BPD/NPD traits. We lived together for 9 years and she abruptly ended the relationship the in November of 2013. We struggled for years and it took the break up to finally get me to really analyze and question what I have been living all this time. I don't know if this appropriate to mention here but in L1 where I did my introduction I explained in detail our background and what lead up to this moment. I have been looking for employment sense last year after an Achilles tear which sidelined me for a large part of 2013. I Lost my previous job due to it  as well. We even moved into a new house following my recovery. I was suppose to get in here and get back on my feet. I put my shaky trust in a person that I knew was unstable for years. There was a lot of euphoria and false optimism going on here, I just should have known better. The house is in her name unfortunately because she had a stronger financial profile than me, and it just seemed more convenient in qualifying for the FHA program. I felt uncomfortable with it but I moved forward any way. This house seem to trigger her daily once we got in here. That sense of entitlement that I knew of her expressing  became times 10! She started the devaluing me and my role in this house within the first week. I had been so use to walking on eggshells for years, I'v endured her raging,verbal abuse, and sometimes physical abuse i.e pushing, slapping, throwing things etc. I unbelievably always just swept it under the rug and made excuses for her. I didn't realize or awakened until the breakup and reading articles and forums like this made it clear. These last 4 months have been hell living here! So much ugly on so many levels from her, with absolutely no boundaries or filter. I don't have family , and no friend support that could help me. She set this deadline of hers for the 14th. She told me it does not matter if I have a job or not! She said finding a job would be on "my terms" but she needs things to be on "her terms" instead? She says the name on the deed is all that matters and the personal investment we both made in this house for months is just mere sentimentality and not important! I have never been so frightened in my life and I don't know what to do now. I am not use to having to consider anything like this ever in my life. She is very disconnected from the reality I face. She seems to only be concerned with herself, I've been use to that I guess. In some ways she did me a favor, and that is the bright side of this. I feel like I put myself on the shelf for years trying to please and be a caretaker to her. In the end it's just so disheartening that she got to defined things and determine this out come. She tells me I am the blame for our demise daily and she gives me advice on how to be a 'better person". I can't wait to leave trust but not this way I just wan to be alright.

[GreenMango]

Sole

I'm not sure about the legal aspects of this.   Have you spoken with an attorney?

[maxen]

hi solejurner. i am so so sorry for your situation. please try to keep reaching out to people, here at least for support and advice.

She says the name on the deed is all that matters and the personal investment we both made in this house for months is just mere sentimentality and not important!

i don't know the legal aspects either but do you have a record of the contributions you've made? receipts?

[solejurnner]

Sole

I'm not sure about the legal aspects of this.   Have you spoken with an attorney?

I have not even considered that at all. I'm not sure what I could even do or want to do on a legal front. I just want "away" from this Being with no further entanglement. What I do need is time though so I can insure myself safety and at least a chance. I am still shocked everyday how I am even in this situation! She constantly has tried to get my buy-in for this so she can feel better about it, but I can't give her that. This is my life, there is such a disconnect in her. I don't even know what I expect in this situation honestly. On one hand I see the paradox of breaking up while living together and I do want out, but it just feels insensitive and cosmically wrong. I've questioned my sanity for through this whole ordeal of being apart of this relationship so much. Am I being unreasonable? For me it's more than a break up that I'm facing it's every aspect of my being at risk. I know I have to suck it up but it's just been hard.

[ForeverDad]

I could be wrong, but in some areas a roommate/friend/partner can't be unilaterally kicked out.  There may be a legal process to follow, so her unilateral statement of a departure date may not be enforceable.  However, she can sidestep that if she chooses to make false allegations of DV.  At that point the legal system, police and courts would jump in to protect the claimed victim/target and your life and future could be forever changed.  So walk carefully, never ever rant or rage at her and it's probably wise to keep a recording device with you at all times as self-protection and 'insurance' against false allegations. 

Why not seek some legal consultations with family law attorneys?  Usually they're inexpensive or even free.  Find out your local legal rights as well as risks.  Also now, before you leave, start gathering proof of what you've contributed toward house down payments and subsequent payments.  That can be your relationship financial "equity" or investment that she would owe back to you.

Frankly, this is a bad situation and you do need to get away from her promptly.  As messed up as she is, she is right about that but for the wrong reasons.  Keep looking for future living options, maybe you can get some housing, recovery or unemployment assistance?  In my country the government is looking for excuses to hand out money or so it seems.

[Waddams]

ForeverDad is right, if you're anywhere in the USA, there are laws called tenant/landlord laws.  You don't have to have a signed lease in order to be considered a tenant.  The status is called "Tenant at Will".  It sounds like you would qualify as her tenant at will.  Do a google search of your states' landlord/tenant law to find out the particulars, but to kick you out, technically, she'd likely have to file an eviction action.  Then go to court and prosecute it.  Then get the order.  The use the order to get a "writ of disposssiion".  Then take the writ to the sheriff's and get them to come move you out.  Depending on your locality it could be a month to several months if you fight the process hard.

Keep in mind that landlords just can't do what they want.  They don't have rights to throw out your stuff without obtaining legal standing first, if she damages your things, or creates an environment that is hostile to you to try to force you out outside of the legal eviction process, she's breaking the law and can be held responsible.

Also, some states have common law spouses, some don't.  If yours does, you might be able to find a way to fight for compensation for all the resources you've put into the house and other things jointly with her.  Even if your state doesn't, there might still be legal means of recourse.

In short, if you could find a way to get some help from a lawyer that has a good understanding of domestic and landlord/tenant law in your area, it would be a huge bonus for you. 

All that said, from any viewpoint, the sooner you can get out, the better for you.  I'm sorry about your injury, but are you able to get out and try to find work now?  Any kind of work?  Regardless of what she says, it's very possible if you can find a way to get out of the house, that there will remain other recourses for you to recover some amount of what you put into the relationship's assets.

So, I know it feels hopeless right now, but I assure you it's not.  Start getting out and canvasing for jobs, you're bound to run across someone that needs to hire for something.  Also, there are options like unemployment, or if your injury still prevents you from working, doctors can certify you disabled, maybe you can get social security disability help, even if just temporary.  You can find inexpensive rooms to rent from people, or someone that needs a roommate, and that will help find affordable housing for the moment. 

Don't think you can't do this and it's hopeless.  You can get on your feet and make it through this.  And don't let your BPD convince that her notions of reality are in truth reality.  She's likely very wrong about a lot of things.  Take some steps to create boundaries with her, and to protect yourself from risks of false accusations (ie recordings!) and start working on extricating yourself from this mess. 

[hurthusband]

In Texas, if you even break into a residence, and set up your mail there, they would have to go through eviction process to get you to move by law.