Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Okey, i'm here because i'm debating with myself whether to stay or leave. I have a diagnosed BPD boyfriend, with whom i've had an on/off relationship for about year and a half (we've known each other for two years, slowly developing a crush to liking to love). Not surprisingly we have this rollercoaster-ride going on. I'm sometimes ”in”, sometimes ”out”, sometimes he opposes to me like a teenager (I then remind him that i'm not his mom). With being in or out i mean these episodes of shutting me out, or casting me aside, especially the physical level (intimacy). Usually this happens with him finding a new love online. Who is of course all things good and wonderful in the beginning and devalued in the end. He doesn't understand how or why i feel dumbed or cast aside when he cuts the intimacy (for example says he is now in monogamous relationship with this or this new girl). He claims that i'm still very important and that to him we're still in a relationship, just not physical. To him intimacy is somehow separate from emotional connection, which unfortunately makes no sense to me.

Last before last time when a ”oh but i love this new person, nothing i felt for felt as real”  happened I basically through him out. Okey politely and nicely etc (i have been developing my communicational skills for years and should be rather good at it) but anyhow drew my lines, told him that i cannot be treated like that, and i wish him and his new found love well, but I won't any longer be kept in some sort of ”holding” position, as some sort of safety-net. I also told him i do fear this new relationship is not going to work, due him repeating same mistakes of falling in love with a dream image etc, but consider it none of my business.

Me throwing him out of our lives broke him very badly. Pushed him into a brink of psychosis and suicide and other form of self-injury. I found out about all this because I got worried, enough to call him to see how he was doing... . So i took him back partially, to avoid suicide, but i did not continue our relationship (physical level, i had told him that i will stay as a good friend but i need to heal before i can be that) . Good thing was that he, for the first time, realized that he is not okey at all and agreed to get help. While getting medical help he continued with the new relationship, moved in with her, well it ended in a chaos quite soon. And again he was mess, and (sigh) I told him to come here... . This time I literally flew back into being intimate with him (not proud of it, no) and for a while things were better than ever before. But as with rollercoasters, again came  time when someone else out there was shining more brightly – i was bluntly informed he is now in a monogamous relationship with his (former)ex, who happens to be a suicidal dBPD (and very manipulative, if you ask me). Right now he is actually visiting her and if this goes like the other cases he comes back in a couple of weeks, all hurt, emotionally bruised and wondering how the h**l he ever left my side.

So, i don't know what to do. Okey, I know that this rollercoaster has to stop and well it has to be me stopping it... . I'm just not sure how.

I'm not sure i'm strong enough to hold my boundaries (I know this from the history with him). I'm not sure i'm strong enough to go through all this again (and again). I don't think that i'm stable enough. I have gone through my own baggage years ago, have learnt to love myself etc but feel that this relationship has been pushing me back to my old insecurities. Big and hard.

I'm thinking of the pro's and cons. He is aware of his condition, admits it, is aware of the toll it is taking on me (although doesn't quite understand it, sees me as a bit too weak), he is willing to change and willing to work for cure (and that seems genuine). However... . It seems like such a huge and slow ordeal. I fear this all is taking (and has taken) a toll on me. I have kids and fear that my on/off relationship with him affects them indirectly. I have to say ny kids are very fond of him, they miss him really bad when he is gone, and as far as i can tell the BPDside does not come out hurtfully towards my kids at all, only to me. We do not fight out loud or anything like that, but having a suicidal & self-injuring person around the house... . well i suppose it still has some effect, no matter how well hidden.

I know (or believe?) that me, our family (kids and all) and even the whole neighbourhood community here are very important to him and he doesn't have much anything in his life outside us and his parents and siblings (except people from his  former drug-filled life). I also keep telling myself he comes with a lot of baggage, with the amount of traumas he's been through it's a wonder he is even this well and i should not demand too much from him. I also keep reminding myself that unlike most BPD's he is rarely mad or angry towards others.

I do love him, a lot, an I know i am important to him all times (we do share a rare and unique kind of connection, something which doesn't completely disappear even in the turmoils). I keep thinking he does not mean to hurt me but is just so lost, but well sometimes I do wonder if it is deliberate (concious or not) as it seems to be a state in which he somehow knows what to do, or how to behave – finds the connection with me. I don't know how to explain it better. The weird and sad part is that i myself do seem to find our connection strongest when he is filled with remorse and apologies.

   

I also keep telling myself he has already changed a lot, accepting responsibility for his actions (insted of blaming his dark side, as he used to) and that he is able to change more. I've gone through my strongnesses and weakness and think I'm probably stronger and have more qualities to deal with this kind of challenges than i think i have. I am quite emphatic and quite ready to develope my own skills, for example learn to be even more aware when accidentally devalidating and how to avoid that (i for example use sarcasm a lot). Although he is very intelligent and gifted artistically I'm not pushing him into getting a job or education right now (he isn't well enough i think), but rather tell him to concentrate on getting better and getting educated once more stable mentally.

I try to deal with his cutting/scarring himself in as neutral way I can – i let it show i worry, but try to keep it toned down.

I dont' think i have many triggers, I can deal with most obstacles we meet, but being rejected... . I don't deal well with that (well nor do i think i even should). We have talked about this, patiently, and i've tried explaining how and why it is difficult, also that no matter how much i'd like him to be as free as he ever wants there's a limit to what amount of hurt i can take. That although I, in the intellectual level, might be okey with something yet still struggle with the actual emotions. Feeling rejected is just too difficult to me.

And yes, one reason for not leaving is that i do fear for the SI/suicidal tendencies, anxieties etc to go kaboom. I would not like to think myself as a codependent here, but phew i dunno, sure starts to look like it.

So I don't know. I have tried telling him that the roller-coaster can stop with either us breaking up (and staying friends) or him changing his ways, but well um yup i've slipped with that badly, allowing him to continue doing what he does. There are days when i think this is just too much for me to handle.

(I'm sorry, this became such a long post)

[Haye]

Okey, i'm here because i'm debating with myself whether to stay or leave. I have a diagnosed BPD boyfriend, with whom i've had an on/off relationship for about year and a half (we've known each other for two years, slowly developing a crush to liking to love). Not surprisingly we have this rollercoaster-ride going on. I'm sometimes ”in”, sometimes ”out”, sometimes he opposes to me like a teenager (I then remind him that i'm not his mom). With being in or out i mean these episodes of shutting me out, or casting me aside, especially the physical level (intimacy). Usually this happens with him finding a new love online. Who is of course all things good and wonderful in the beginning and devalued in the end. He doesn't understand how or why i feel dumbed or cast aside when he cuts the intimacy (for example says he is now in monogamous relationship with this or this new girl). He claims that i'm still very important and that to him we're still in a relationship, just not physical. To him intimacy is somehow separate from emotional connection, which unfortunately makes no sense to me.

Last before last time when a ”oh but i love this new person, nothing i felt for felt as real”  happened I basically through him out. Okey politely and nicely etc (i have been developing my communicational skills for years and should be rather good at it) but anyhow drew my lines, told him that i cannot be treated like that, and i wish him and his new found love well, but I won't any longer be kept in some sort of ”holding” position, as some sort of safety-net. I also told him i do fear this new relationship is not going to work, due him repeating same mistakes of falling in love with a dream image etc, but consider it none of my business.

Me throwing him out of our lives broke him very badly. Pushed him into a brink of psychosis and suicide and other form of self-injury. I found out about all this because I got worried, enough to call him to see how he was doing... . So i took him back partially, to avoid suicide, but i did not continue our relationship (physical level, i had told him that i will stay as a good friend but i need to heal before i can be that) . Good thing was that he, for the first time, realized that he is not okey at all and agreed to get help. While getting medical help he continued with the new relationship, moved in with her, well it ended in a chaos quite soon. And again he was mess, and (sigh) I told him to come here... . This time I literally flew back into being intimate with him (not proud of it, no) and for a while things were better than ever before. But as with rollercoasters, again came  time when someone else out there was shining more brightly – i was bluntly informed he is now in a monogamous relationship with his (former)ex, who happens to be a suicidal dBPD (and very manipulative, if you ask me). Right now he is actually visiting her and if this goes like the other cases he comes back in a couple of weeks, all hurt, emotionally bruised and wondering how the h**l he ever left my side.

So, i don't know what to do. Okey, I know that this rollercoaster has to stop and well it has to be me stopping it... . I'm just not sure how.

I'm not sure i'm strong enough to hold my boundaries (I know this from the history with him). I'm not sure i'm strong enough to go through all this again (and again). I don't think that i'm stable enough. I have gone through my own baggage years ago, have learnt to love myself etc but feel that this relationship has been pushing me back to my old insecurities. Big and hard.

I'm thinking of the pro's and cons. He is aware of his condition, admits it, is aware of the toll it is taking on me (although doesn't quite understand it, sees me as a bit too weak), he is willing to change and willing to work for cure (and that seems genuine). However... . It seems like such a huge and slow ordeal. I fear this all is taking (and has taken) a toll on me. I have kids and fear that my on/off relationship with him affects them indirectly. I have to say ny kids are very fond of him, they miss him really bad when he is gone, and as far as i can tell the BPDside does not come out hurtfully towards my kids at all, only to me. We do not fight out loud or anything like that, but having a suicidal & self-injuring person around the house... . well i suppose it still has some effect, no matter how well hidden.

I know (or believe?) that me, our family (kids and all) and even the whole neighbourhood community here are very important to him and he doesn't have much anything in his life outside us and his parents and siblings (except people from his  former drug-filled life). I also keep telling myself he comes with a lot of baggage, with the amount of traumas he's been through it's a wonder he is even this well and i should not demand too much from him. I also keep reminding myself that unlike most BPD's he is rarely mad or angry towards others.

I do love him, a lot, an I know i am important to him all times (we do share a rare and unique kind of connection, something which doesn't completely disappear even in the turmoils). I keep thinking he does not mean to hurt me but is just so lost, but well sometimes I do wonder if it is deliberate (concious or not) as it seems to be a state in which he somehow knows what to do, or how to behave – finds the connection with me. I don't know how to explain it better. The weird and sad part is that i myself do seem to find our connection strongest when he is filled with remorse and apologies.

   

I also keep telling myself he has already changed a lot, accepting responsibility for his actions (insted of blaming his dark side, as he used to) and that he is able to change more. I've gone through my strongnesses and weakness and think I'm probably stronger and have more qualities to deal with this kind of challenges than i think i have. I am quite emphatic and quite ready to develope my own skills, for example learn to be even more aware when accidentally devalidating and how to avoid that (i for example use sarcasm a lot). Although he is very intelligent and gifted artistically I'm not pushing him into getting a job or education right now (he isn't well enough i think), but rather tell him to concentrate on getting better and getting educated once more stable mentally.

I try to deal with his cutting/scarring himself in as neutral way I can – i let it show i worry, but try to keep it toned down.

I dont' think i have many triggers, I can deal with most obstacles we meet, but being rejected... . I don't deal well with that (well nor do i think i even should). We have talked about this, patiently, and i've tried explaining how and why it is difficult, also that no matter how much i'd like him to be as free as he ever wants there's a limit to what amount of hurt i can take. That although I, in the intellectual level, might be okey with something yet still struggle with the actual emotions. Feeling rejected is just too difficult to me.

And yes, one reason for not leaving is that i do fear for the SI/suicidal tendencies, anxieties etc to go kaboom. I would not like to think myself as a codependent here, but phew i dunno, sure starts to look like it.

So I don't know. I have tried telling him that the roller-coaster can stop with either us breaking up (and staying friends) or him changing his ways, but well um yup i've slipped with that badly, allowing him to continue doing what he does. There are days when i think this is just too much for me to handle.

(I'm sorry, this became such a long post)

[GreenMango]

Decision Making Guidelines

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts


Sounds like you've been thru a lot with this man.  The suicide attempts and gestures can be scary and many members struggle on how to handle them and how it affects whether they stay or go.

The link above is a guide to choosing a path.  It may help to work through it.  One portion of it focuses on the concern you have about boundaries and communication tools.  It takes awhile to readjust to the changing circumstances and figure out which way forward.

Just don't get stuck on the fence ... . Being undecided can take its toll too.

Is he in therapy? Dbt?  What happened when he threatened before?  Ambulance?  ER?  Did he say he was going to do it or attempt?

[Haye]

Is he in therapy? Dbt?  What happened when he threatened before?  Ambulance?  ER?  Did he say he was going to do it or attempt?

Many thanks, GreenMango! I've been reading through the links, there's lot to go through and swallow.

My SO is currently seeking therapy - it is happening, though very slowly. It has been difficult as my SO appears healthy on the outside... . The first impressions he gives are of a very calm and gentle person, a bit shy but peacuful. So we have had hard time conving medical people about the hell going inside that calm posture. Now, while waiting for therapy he has (thanks to the last ER trip), has a access to other services like meeting a psychiatric nurse on regular basis.

But it has been rough, and not only due him but due the medical people not understanding. He for example agreed to be hospitilzed when the suicide threat was (seemed to be) at it's worst, and they just let him walk out after a couple of days, never realizing nor agreeing to his condition (they for example ignored his eating disorder completely -> he basically had not eaten anything while hospitalized). They just wouldn't even listen to him.

My SO doesn't really threaten with suicide or scarring. If it happens I hear about it afterwards, or realize something must be going on (sometimes i see that he is so badly off balance that somesort of SI is about to happen, then we talk about it and try to find other ways of coping with the pain or dissocation).

Latest ER&stiches happened briefly after he informed me about getting back with the ex. I was almost asleep when he came apologizing to have to wake me, asking if i could help as he was unable to make the bleeding stop by himself... . So I bandaged him and off to the local hospital/ER. Three psychiatric nurses from the ward interviewed him, all decided he can go home, convincing as he is... .

  I felt  the scarring and one quite deep cut (left arm, near artery) which needed 6-7 stiches was a reaction to my reaction on his news.To mee he just said "And don't you go thinking that you'd be so special that i'd be cutting myself because of the idea of loosing you.". Ah, right  .

[Haye]

Well, i'm staying. I know it is going to be difficult, but he is trying very, very hard. I am trying too. 

[GreenMango]

That's good news.  When you get a chance drop by the staying board the lessons over there will help with the part you want to work on.

[DreamFlyer99]

Can I add one thing?

Your kids are definitely being affected by your relationship, so be clear on what lessons you want to be teaching them by your life. Boundaries have been my hugest area of failing in my 37 years of marriage, recently separated. Please be clear for your children that boundaries between people are of major importance so that you aren't enabling his behavior, okay?

Best of luck. there are some great tools on the Staying board like GreenMango mentioned.