Coping when you feel unwell

[hopeangel]

Hi there!

Does anyone else struggle to remember to use the tools they have learned when they are feeling ill! This happened to me on Sat - I felt quite off-colour but didn't want dd to be lonely so kept to our usual Saturday meet up.

I found her to be difficult, she told me they had upped her meds the previous day, she felt herself to be feeling good but she seemed hostile to me.

In the pizza place I lost control of everything as I was feeling poorly and she got increasingly upset and ende up screaming at me for her abusive childhood where she hadn't had the trainers and things she'd wanted and her friends had had, (not true of course, my partner worked for a trendy sports warehouse and he got he the latest trainers all the time but hey ... . )  anyway, she caused a scene and I told her if she couldn't stop shouting I was going to pay and leave, she fled outside and abused me all the way home calling me a weirdo and allsorts of things, but when we got to hers she said 'hang on I will get you some painkillers' - and she DID? She told me not to stay upset as I was tearful but she remained hostile so we said bye and I drove home reeling (as you do!).

She rang me last night (I was still a bit poorly!) and she was fine, we were chatting but then she suddenly called me a f***ing k**b and said I had put the phone on loudspeaker to laugh at her with my dh!  She went nuts so I put him on to speak to her and she told him she wanted to stab me so he put the phone down!  I then got a series of abusive texts calling me a k**b and a f***ing s**g and I told her the phone was going off!

My dh spoke to her for a while (she rang him then) and she calmed down and sent me an apology which I accepted!

I am left in the usual state of mind after one of these incidents but it has struck me how vulnerable I am when I am unwell and unable to concentrate.  Does anyone else find this and if so how do you deal with this? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

hopeangel

I find sometimes there is very little I can do even when I am feeling well so don't be so hard on yourself. I think I would just try to learn from this and maybe cancel next time. If you are not 100% it will be hard for you to cope when attacked in this way. It does seem she is holding a lot of old hurts against you. Have you thought of trying to go to counseling together to better improve your relationship? I try not to take the raging personally... . the more my dd16 is abusive to me the more I know she is struggling. What is your dd struggling with right now?

[Tightrope walker]

hopeangel

  If you aren't feeling well I just don't think you can operate on a 100% level.  I have to agree with jellibeans: if you don't feel well it is best to stay away (unless the person is in your house!).   That said, it isn't always possible.  I have worked on establishing boundaries.  If this is done when you are feeling better, it is easier to enforce when you are under par.  Would you accept what she did to you if it was from anyone else?  That is one of the measures I use.  Yes, she has a mental illness but that don't excuse abuse: either verbal or physical. 

                                                                                       Tightrope Walker

[hopeangel]

Thank you both so much for replying!  I was at such a low ebb I couldn't think straight!

I think you are right, she is perhaps too much for me when I have an illness so I will cancel  next time!

jellibeans, she does bring up old hurts when she is struggling but she does seem to make them up, she accused me of going for spray tans without her years ago which is bizarre on so many levels, not least because I have never had a spray tan in my life or wanted one?

Come to think of it though she is struggling with where she lives right now, as she doesn't like the man next door, I think that is becoming a big issue for her!

Thanks Tightrope Walker, I am going to set a boundary about abuse and threats, I was thinking that myself that she cant go round saying these things just because she's upset, other people would just never speak to her again (and that IS what happens frequently!) It's hard because I really hate bad language and violent talk like that, its so hard that my own daughter can be so crude but I will try not to take it personally!

Thanks guys!

[qcarolr]

HopeAngel - I have been in this place much too often with my BPDDD27. I knew she needed my support and advocacy in many ways esp. in school due to a learning disability and the developing mental heath issues. She has bee verbally and physically abusive for a long time. And I so often allowed it - soaked it up like a sponge. Always thinking "I will not take this personal". My accepting this abuse is like validating the invalid.

I now am coping with some auto-immune disorders. I think this is my body say "enough". My mother's heart struggles being consistent with my boundaries, and my DD is relentless in her 'extinction bursts'. Being unwell sure shrinks my window of tolerance - ie. staying calm and in validation mode.

I am getting support from my local support (professional, friends, faith community... . ) to express this to DD without slipping back into my patterns of anger and resentment; and projection of my distress onto her as she projects her distress onto me. We both are bullies at times. And that is the word that she seems to be able to hear - being a bully. I will not be bullied by her anymore.

To do this I have to become willing to move away from her at the first signs of her verbal attacks. This cut things short of the physical attacks. I say something like "Name calling and blaming feels like being bullied. I will not be bulled anymore. I am _____hit now. When we each calm down, we can try again. And then do it. Every time. Fill in the blank for what works in the situation. Walking away, driving away, hanging up the phone, turning off the phone, etc.

The EVERY TIME part is really important to avoid what the T's call 'intermittent reinforcement. I have not bee good at this in the past. My mother's heart so gets in the way.

Currently I am working with gd's T in dyadic therapy (parent/child based on attachment theory); my T on shame, worthiness, self-care, etc., reaching out to friends in my faith based small group, nurturing my marriage, getting a sponsor in the 12-step program I an involved with (Al Anon works). Putting on my angel armor.

Let us know if you need any specific support in boundary setting. There are a lot of great resources. Have you worked through any of the Tools at the right?

qcr

[hopeangel]

qcarol, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and thank you for telling me as I have been feeling maybe the on-going stress of dealing with a child with BPD can take its toll on a body and mind eventually.

I am aware my boundaries do need work but I do have some in place. Its confusing for me how far to go because dd suffers with psychosis sometimes (like now) and a lot of the negative things she thinks we are doing are in her head.  She is also aware of this on some level but unable to control the thoughts which lead to abusive behaviour.

Im very tired right now, I am wishing to grow my business so that we will be better off financially, since dd has been so needy that way, but now she says all I care about is my precious work and there's no point to it as I am still in debt (yes I am because of her!) I am so tired but still here and I guess, must try harder. I cant afford to get defeated by everything.

I have read the thread on how much to help adult child with BPD and that pretty much sums up a lot of my issues.

qcarolr - I think there is a huge lesson for me in your post about the long term effects on us all, I am going to try to take care of myself a little more and worry a little less if possible and get a better handle on things.  Thank you so much and I pray you can overcome your own health issues!

[qcarolr]

My T last week was sharing with me learning she is doing about chronic traumatic stress and how it impacts all parts of a person - physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. She was referring to the book : Full Catastrophe Living (Revised Edition): Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness Paperback

by Jon Kabat-Zinn. He originally wrote this in 1990 and brought meditation/mindfulness into the medical community. The newest edition was revised in 2013. I downloaded a copy to read.

I have really struggled to be consistent in mindfulness practices. Maybe it is time for me to carve out a time for this each day. Maybe before I go to bed - then if I fall asleep like I often do I can stay asleep!

Kind of related to this is working with two T's right now, and how they support each other in my healing. The child/family that works with gd focuses on areas of skills in coping with both gd and DD and my family relationships. She has helped me with boundaries in my family. She is also working with me to acknowledge the many attachment issues I carry with me from my whole life. My personal T takes me a step further, and we are embarking on focusing on this whole trauma perspective. She has offered to do EMDR therapy with me. Gd is doing this with her T.

For so long I believed I could manage all this by myself. It is so much better having the support network that now surrounds me, including my dh. I am 58. I have been doing some kind of therapy since I was 35. Why the heck has it taken so long?

qcr