Help Should I counter petition for adultery or agree to unreasonable behaviour?

[toomanytears]

I've been married 31 years.

Six months ago my uBPDh told me he didn't love me, that he wanted a separation and I should sell the family home. I asked him to leave the house, since he didn't want to be with me any more, which he did (thankfully).  Since then he has protested that I threw his out of the family home, but has refused to come back in spite of me asking him to do so to sort things out and go couples therapy etc. And each time he has agreed to something (helping prepare the house for sale, sorting out his personal effects, pay half the mortgage,) he's back tracked. Meantime, he has regularly demanded that I should sell the family home - even before any financial negotiations have begun. Constantly changing the goal posts.

He has now petitioned me for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. A long list of spurious reasons not worth mentioning. Just a few days before the petition arrived, and six months out of the FOG, the penny dropped that he has been having an affair - or possibly several affairs. Quite a shock after all his protestations of love - which alternated with the splitting of course.

My solicitor suggests that I consent to the divorce but disagree with the grounds of uneasonable behaviour and get it over with cheaply and quickly. However, I would like to counter petition for adultery. The main reason is that I'm concerned that if he gets his own way with lying in the divorce petition, it will make him feel that he is entitled to a better marriage settlement. The other reason is that I have had enough of being a victim of his bullying and after 31 years, it's about time I stood up for myself.

He is afraid of the legal system and his finances are in disarray although he earns a good salary.

Do any fellow boarders have helpful insights/suggestions/experiences to offer? Friends and family say I should counter petition but they don't really undestand what motivates a BPD and how self destructive they are prepared to be. BTW I live in England.

Thank you in anticipation for your sage advice... .

[ugghh]

Toomany,

I cannot answer specific to England as I am in the States, but am currently in process of divorcing my uBPDw after 25 years.  For what it is worth if you trust the lawyer that you have hired then you should follow his or her advice.  With my stbx I found myself in a similar situation of constantly changing, completely illogical demands.  I found the best solution was actually getting into court in front of the judge.  At that point, it was actually her lawyer encouraging her to move the process along under threat of the uncertainty of what the judge might rule.

I completely understand the need to draw a line in the stand after years of putting up with the seemingly endless demands of the pwBPD, however the best satisfaction at the end of the day will come the day you are truly no longer connected to this person.  First and foremost, do not be bothered listening to his irrational demands of sale of the home or his other suggestions for settlement.  My lawyer, who gets it, told me not to bother with mediation as it would just extend the process.  Just communicate your priorities to your solicitor and let them handle the negotiations.

[maxen]

first toomanytears, i'm terribly sorry for your situation. you have all my sympathies.

My solicitor suggests that I consent to the divorce but disagree with the grounds of uneasonable behaviour and get it over with cheaply and quickly. However, I would like to counter petition for adultery. The main reason is that I'm concerned that if he gets his own way with lying in the divorce petition, it will make him feel that he is entitled to a better marriage settlement. The other reason is that I have had enough of being a victim of his bullying and after 31 years, it's about time I stood up for myself.

that he may feel entitled to a better marriage settlement, doesn't mean he's going to get a better marriage settlement.

my story: i was also faced with my spouse's deceit and adultery, which she announced on her way out the door. i felt violated and wanted to file in adultery but my L calmly yet firmly led me to the no-fault grounds (which doesn't sound like what your h is alleging). adultery means a trial and in my state is hard to prove and makes no difference in the distribution. a judge wouldn't want the already clogged court's time used for a thing that makes no material difference (and there are no custody issues involved with us). i've learned that what's best for me emotionally and what's best legally are not necessarily the same thing. in the long term what's best for me legally may turn out to be what's best for me emotionally. it was a hard pill to swallow at first, but i'm alright with it now. she's unembarrassed about it (she has BPD after all) so it would be no moral satisfaction having it proved in court. i did file first and serve, i am divorcing her, and that's as it should be.

having said all that, i'm not trying to talk you out of it. have you gone over in detail with your solicitor what the legal consequences are of a suit in adultery vs this other grounds?

[Matt]

In the US, none of that stuff matters - adultery, "unreasonable behavior", etc. - so putting it into court papers just creates problems.  If you believe what he wrote is wrong and unfair, my suggestion would be - if you lived in the US - to say so in your response, but end the argument there - just state, "Mr. Fears states A, B, and C.  These are false." and then proceed to what matters - the division of property and other financial matters.

Ask your solicitor if it works the same way there, or if these issues - adultery etc. - make any difference.

Make sure you're not fighting over stuff that doesn't matter.

[toomanytears]

Hi Matt, maxen and ugghh - great to get your feedback 

Yes I agree that it some ways it does not matter in the great scheme of things.

It's psychology really. BPDH is such a narcissistic, I'm afraid that having gained this advantage over me (he will see it like this and blag about it)  he'll gain more confidence when we come to negotiating the financial settlement, when we sell the house etc.

I also want my solicitor to get more of a sense of a) the kind of person he's dealing with and b) I am not going to take things completely lying down.

In the end my solicitor might talk me round but I feel I need to have that conversation with him first.

[momtara]

I agree with the others that countering just for personal satisfaction may not be worth it, unless it really helps with other things.  If he is a narcissist, he may just come back with some other stupid thing. 

[toomanytears]

I agree with the others that countering just for personal satisfaction may not be worth it, unless it really helps with other things.  If he is a narcissist, he may just come back with some other stupid thing. 

Thanks montmara. I want to do this more for strategic than personal satisfaction reasons... .

[maxen]

It's psychology really. BPDH is such a narcissistic, I'm afraid that having gained this advantage over me (he will see it like this and blag about it)  he'll gain more confidence when we come to negotiating the financial settlement, when we sell the house etc.

a good lawyer will be able to parry that.

I also want my solicitor to get more of a sense of a) the kind of person he's dealing with and b) I am not going to take things completely lying down.

that's exactly what you want to do. i gave my lawyer the pamphlet from this site by bill eddy about BPDs in court. it's very handy, though you'll want to add to it from your own experience. she was a psychology major and receptive. does your lawyer reflect your own attitude? are you comfortable with him/her?

In the end my solicitor might talk me round but I feel I need to have that conversation with him first.

yes certainly. it's essential that you each know where you stand in every way, including emotionally. i've had such conversations with my L more than once.

[ForeverDad]

He has now petitioned me for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour... . he has been having an affair - or possibly several affairs. Quite a shock... .

Not unexpected.  It's called blaming and blame-shifting.  We all want to avoid our consequences, that's life, but those who are disordered with BPD or other acting-out PDs take that inclination to an unbalanced extreme.

My solicitor suggests that I consent to the divorce but disagree with the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and get it over with cheaply and quickly.

Solicitors advocate the typical outcomes as more sure things.  Typical outcomes are settlements.  When dealing with cases like ours the problem with settlements - and especially settlements made too soon - is that they're too often merely half-measures that leave us at a continued disadvantage.  (Many advocate that if there is to be a settlement then it should be just before a major legal event such as a hearing or trial so that the stbEx will feel less entitled/demanding and you're more likely to get a better result.)

However, I would like to counter petition for adultery. The main reason is that I'm concerned that if he gets his own way with lying in the divorce petition, it will make him feel that he is entitled to a better marriage settlement. The other reason is that I have had enough of being a victim of his bullying and after 31 years, it's about time I stood up for myself.

Wow, I can't find much if anything wrong with that.  Especially the part about not allowing him to lie uncontested in court documents.  You know your situation best.  Weigh the risks versus the advantages.  With education, information, insight, skills and support (legal, therapy, peer support, trusted friends and family) you can make more informed and more confident decisions.

And in case I was unclear above, I think you have a right to stand up for yourself.   Be sure it is part of a plan (or set of plan options/paths based on how he acts, reacts and overreacts) or strategy.