New here. Afraid for my life

[jkjd99]

I was urged to join this forum by some friends who are familiar with this situation.

I have no issues with no contact, I am not second guessing myself - I'm simply trying to live my life and move on from the trauma and soul-crushing chaos of this relationship. But she showed up recently. I believe she may be dangerous - I don't know. I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts to write this because I'm living in so much fear.

My ex is an alcoholic and, while she had told me she was diagnosed as bipolar or major depressive, people are pointing me more to BPD. I had read a bit about BPD but thought alcohol was the main thing going on with her. Although I loved her dearly, I ended it over a month ago after she went totally psychotic and finally hit me when she blacked out one night. She had threatened me before but hadn't hit me outright. She got gradually more aggressive when drinking as time went on. That same night, she tried to hit the owners of a restaurant for an imagined slight on their part. I had to escort her out kicking and screaming. She beat me with her purse and lay down in the street as I tried to get her home. When i got her to my apartment, she had forgotten who I was and where she was. She later hit me in the face when I told her I loved her. It was a grotesque, cinematic night. She had no memory of it the next day and cried about how I'll leave her.

The crux of my post is that I have gone no contact for over a month and she reappeared in person. I have changed all my contact information. I have secured my residence as much as I can. The only thing that might count as 'contact' to date is that I sent her clothes back without any communications enclosed, to send a clear message that we're done. She responded by sending mine back, and wrote a very sad letter saying she's getting help and that she doesn't fully understand what's going on.  I thought it was over after that.

I changed all my contact info because before the letter, she was sending numerous emails pleading with me. Then telling me it's my loss. Then back to pleading and apologizing. She left abusive voicemails saying she's not going to kill me, she just wants to talk to me. I thought she might try to manipulate me by threatening self harm so I changed all my info.

She appeared at my door at 5:45 am last week. I did not answer, as I had prepared for this with my therapist, who is treating me for trauma. I called 911. My ex lives over an hour away, and I could hear she was drunk. She kept saying 'i need help', 'i need to know' into my door. She got in by lying to an inexperienced front desk attendant, saying she was a resident of my building and giving my name. He breached every protocol by allowing her to get to my door.

The police did not file a report - I confirmed that yesterday. She got away mere minutes before they arrived and interviewed me and the desk attendant. I heard her walk off crying in the hallway, then the front desk called me saying she was gone.

My ex attempted suicide 3 times as a teen and was hospitalized for extended periods (unknown length). I know of 5 arrests she told me of, 2 for assualts (her mom, and a female police officer), 2 DUI's, and the other I don't know.

If she drank a lot, she seemed to be periodically prone to some kind of alcohol-induced psychosis, not just a black out or getting tipsy. She would hear voices, curse at things, think I was someone else, claim i said things I didn't during a conversation, and one of the most chilling things that occurred a few times was that she'd become 100% convinced that a demon was present in the room with us.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do. I'm living out of hotels. I don't have a huge support network. I felt in my gut that she was coming for me, and she did. I feel in my gut that a protective order could ignite something horrendous with her, false accusations, i don't even know or want to think about it.  So someone told me that a technique discussed here is to 'bore them to death'.  Any help, insights are appreciated as I swim in my thoughts.

[jkjd99]

I left out one of the main factors that has me scared.

My ex says she was molested by a family member. She attempted to obtain a gun to kill this relative at a funeral they were attending, but someone talked her out of this. She texted me at one point how she needed a gun for protection. One more than one occasion, of course while drinking, she looked me in the eye and told me that I should know she is capable of murder.  She said "i would never kill you, because I love you," but that she is capable of killing someone who hurts her. So my logic is that by breaking up with her, I implicitly hurt her.  I don't know if I'm overreacting, but that's why I'm here.

[Clearmind]

Clarifying you have left already and right now you don't feel safe - am I right?

[jkjd99]

Yes, I left her over a month ago. And I don't know how real or unfounded my fears really are. Looking for some insights into this situation and how not to feed into it. Silence has been my approach.

[jkjd99]

but yes - I have no sense of security except at work. I'm terrified at how she might escalate.

[MammaMia]

jkjd

I am sorry for what you are going through with your uBPDexgf.  Alcohol and BPD are the most toxic of combinations.  One fuels the other.  You have a right to be afraid because alcohol is a depressant which allows total lack of control and impaired judgement above and beyond her mental illness.

You need to get a restraining order against her.  You also need to document her threats and anything else she does to cause you anxiety and fear.  You MUST have proof of what she is doing.  The police will do nothing unless you can PROVE she is dangerous.  Sadly, it often takes a criminal act to get them involved, and you may need to press charges against her.  Once in the Legal System, she can be forced to get treatment if necessary.  

Does your exgf have any family to help? Like most pwBPD she has probably alienated everyone.  This is not your fault or responsibility.  If she has family, reach out to them but do not contact her.  I am glad you are getting some therapy.  Has your T given you any suggestions on how to avoid conflict with your ex?

We are here to help and support you.  BPDF is a great source of both, and we are so glad you joined us.  Local support is very important, and you have that with your T.  We understand BPD when others just do not get it.  Many of us have gone through exactly what you are going through, and it really helps to post on this board.  We offer comfort and safety.  We want you to be safe.

Please consider a restraining order and documenting the threats and stalking to use as tools to stop her behavior.  AND please keep posting.

[maxen]

hi again jkjd99. please have a look at this pamphlet Safety First, and this thread TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men. be safe jkjd.

[jkjd99]

So I have been advised that from an alcoholism standpoint, i should not interact with her family.  I basically disappeared after the breakup, which was by phone because I felt it could turn bad in person. So I have not interacted with her for over a month.

I don't have any expressly direct threats to document aside from the verbal ones in my original post, and the police said I should have called when she finally hit me, but I didn't. I have a letter and emails apologizing for hurting me, but she seems to have been careful not to say 'hit'. I have some voicemails that are angry and in one she says she's not going to kill me, she just wants to talk, and she calls me names for blocking her number. I don't know if she's alienated everyone. She has an apartment but goes to her mom's house nearly every day. On days when she didn't see me during the relationship, she usually spent the night there. The alternate numbers she repeatedly called me from were all different lines at her mom's house, which i immediately blocked. She has a need to talk to her mom nearly every day.  Her real father is out of the picture and was abusive to her and her mom. She has a stepdad who doesn't seem to care about anything. I am afraid that even contacting her uncle, who I was on good terms with and liked me a lot, would ignite more contact from her.

I have erased myself - email, social media, phone, changed locks. The only thing left for me is to move.

This happened while my therapist was on vacation so the next session will be the first time we discuss this. I had been going to therapy about the relationship for 6 months and finally worked out a plan to leave.  The past month has been focused on my recovery, so her reappearance is a major blow.

Would her prior arrests work in my favor to prove something? I'm really afraid to get a restraining order because I believe she doesn't care. She challenged my apartment staff to call the police during the incident - i could hear the conversation.

I do not have a lawyer. She has had one for years because of all her problems. I did a case search for her state and only found the 2 dui's. The other ones she mentioned for assault are either sealed or not available online, or she fabricated them while drunk.

[ForeverDad]

You should inform your landlord in writing that she no longer has your permission to enter the building and that ALL staff (doormen, front desk and other workers) should be informed of that.  You can't block another tenant from letting her in but that's what the front desk is for.

Be businesslike, it may not be wise to get too upset with management.  Mistakes in judgement happen, you need them on your side.  This visit surprised you and them.  One goof up is all there should be, they should now be aware and on their toes henceforth.

I'm not sure whether you have enough basis to get an RO or PO (restraining/protection order).  It might be easier to get one if you were of the feminine gender, sometimes that gender can get an order by just claiming to be 'fearful'.

[jkjd99]

Ok will do ForeverDad. I had a meeting with the apartment manager the day this happened, and they were very miffed, but it was verbal. She did take notes and said she'd speak with the shift supervisor. I followed up with her and emailed her a photo of my ex, which has been added to a digital registry at the front desk associated with my unit.  But yes, I need them on my side desperately, so I've held off writing an angry letter saying I'm contemplating moving, etc.

[jkjd99]

I guess what I'm trying to understand is the nature of BPD. If she is in fact afflicted with this disorder, will these 'visits' come in waves? Do they get tired? Someone told me to 'bore them' by not responding.

[MammaMia]

jkj

Excellent idea to let your apartment management in on what is happening. Be sure to not sugar-coat your concerns, because they may not take them seriously if you do. Providing a picture is a really good idea, and I hope the front desk is manned 24/7. 

If you stay nc and she still tries repeatedly to get to you, she could be charged with stalking.  However, the police may wonder why you did not do a restraining order first.  Another reason to consider this.

It is hard to anticipate what pwBPD will do. She may give up after a while or she may be more determined than ever to contact you.  If she is BPD, she may have a dual diagnosis:  alcoholism and BPD.  Substance abuse is common with BPD, as people try to self-medicate with alcohol and/or drugs.

All you can do right now is remain vigilant and hope she gets the message.

[jkjd99]

Ok thanks. The front desk is manned 24/7, but not every attendant follows protocols. My management was quite dismayed to hear I had to call 911.

She is definitely an alcoholic and would admit it while drinking. I have been in therapy for 6 months - initially I went to try to help her and learned I had to help myself. She has been drinking more than half her life, with the longest span of quitting being mere weeks.

She is on antidepressants but doesn't take them daily, and uses benzos to mitigate not drinking, I now believe.

I have read about the protective order process and am terrified because well, I'm a guy, and also because I envision her as the 'respondent', receiving it, and appearing at my door about it. She lives nearly 2 hours away in traffic, and got up the nerve to drive to me in the wee hours and harass me after a month. That is how she is when she drinks - she is compelled to do things.  I guess what I'm saying is, if i understand the protective order process, I believe she would respond with lies and denial. But I hear you saying not to think that way.

[MammaMia]

jkj

I understand that men do not want to get restraining orders against women for a number of reasons:

It is embarrassing.  If you really fear for your life, you need to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself.

It is her word against mine (you would need proof of her behavior BEFORE you can get a restraining order).  If you have documentation, it doesn't matter what she says.

She will be angry and come after me (if she does, she will be in violation of the restraining order and will be arrested).

Law Enforcement is much more aware of the real dangers of violent behavior perpetrated by women today.  If you have proof of verbal and physical threats, mental instability, alcohol abuse, and harassment, they must take it seriously.

As a chronic alcoholic, she may have mental deficits from that as well.

Just the facts.  The decision is yours.

[maxen]

jk, it doesn't matter if you're a guy, violence is violence. try to think of it in neutral terms.

as mammamia said,

If you have documentation, it doesn't matter what she says.

an RO doesn't need her agreement, her lies and denial won't matter. it needs your evidence. so have the documentation. and i know it's a catch: you don't want her showing up, but getting a retraining order, which is to prevent her showing up, may impel her to show up. but if she did, then you would call the cops and she'd be restrained from showing up in a more concrete way.

so i realize you are in a tough spot, but don't let the gender issue get in your way.