Smile

[maxsterling]

I've noticed how my pwBPD likes to look at my facial expressions to guess my mood.  Anything except a smile is confusing to her, and I get, "Are you mad?  You look mad.  I know you are mad and you just aren't telling me!"  Neutral expressions = I must be upset.  She's constantly looking at my face to gage my expression or see what I am looking at.  If I'm not looking at her, she asks "what are you thinking about?"

Yeah, it's invalidating and it's annoying.  But, I've learned that I can defuse or deflect a bad mood or anxiety attack simply by smiling at her.  It's weird.  I've heard that young babies respond to smiles, and that you can calm a baby by smiling. BPD in a bad mood and freaking over something?  I can walk in the room and smile at her, and a few seconds later she forces a smile in return.  Of course it doesn't help much if she is in a full blown rage or meltdown.

This tends to help in non BPD relationships, too.  Smile and say hello and generally people treat you better.  I wonder for a pwBPD who tend to be controlled by raw emotions if our facial expressions are that much more important in determining their reactions.

[MyGreatEscape]

WOW now that is funny. I have found that I get accused of being "mad" the most while... . wait for it... . washing dishes! I apparently must look like a mean old hag (to him) while doing this chore because my husband (with BPD) will abso-freakin-lutely NEVER fail to say, "what's wrong? what did I do NOW? Why are you so mad? I thought everything was FINE!"

It's totally bizarre. So I started not washing the dishes so great when he is home so now... . which he didn't like... . so now I dry! Funny... . he never says anything about my facial expressions anymore... . maybe 'cause I'm drying and turning to cabinets to put stuff away?

I even asked my daughter if I looked mad and she said, "Mom, he's crazy. No you don't look mad at ALL-your face is just blank... . "

I think all pwBPD have a tough time trying to "read" people... . I have told my husband to stop trying to be psychic... . he has NEVER been right with his assumptions.

Yes, smile... . but then wait for the, "oh, and why are YOU so happy... . ?"

We can't win!

[Seneca]

cant remember what book it was that i read, but one of them enumerated the ways that the BPD brain is physically different from a normal brain. one of them was that the neural responses to social cues and facial expressions was undeveloped. they would read neutral expressions as bad or even threatening. my h had to take a personality test as part of his treatment and he showed this in testing, as well i have experienced it in everyday life. if i ain't smiling - i must be up to something.

[MissTajo]

Yes, smile... . but then wait for the, "oh, and why are YOU so happy... . ?"

We can't win!

LOL. This is so accurate.

My bf is reading my expressions all the time which is awful from me cause I have cronic bit## face. And I tell him all the time that this is just my normal face and that everything is ok. But if I smile to much : you NEVER take anything seriously do you?

Can't win

[In_n_Out]

cant remember what book it was that i read, but one of them enumerated the ways that the BPD brain is physically different from a normal brain. one of them was that the neural responses to social cues and facial expressions was undeveloped. they would read neutral expressions as bad or even threatening. my h had to take a personality test as part of his treatment and he showed this in testing, as well i have experienced it in everyday life. if i ain't smiling - i must be up to something.

Yes, "When Hope Is Not Enough" talks about this.  A very important read (IMHO) for those wishing to stay in a r/s with a pwBPD.  It helped me in my r/s tremendiously.

www.amazon.com/When-Hope-Not-Enough-Dobbs/dp/1435719190

[maxsterling]

Thanks in-n-out, that looks like a book I should get.

[Gimme Peace]

Great topic.

For some reason, I can't always remember to position my face the best way so that he doesn't feel threatened. Maybe because I'm at home and want to relax and shouldn't feel the need to worry about what my face looks like. Oops, combine that with getting older, not caring about perfect makeup at the end of a long day while often being perplexed about another one of his nonsensical behaviors, my face doesn't always radiate complete and total bliss. My bad.

Thanks for the reference about differences in the BPD brain. I'm going to look that up.