Silent treatment

[SeaCliff]

I would rather be yelled at by my ex-wife than endure more years of the very painful Silent Treatment. If she yelled at me, then it would give me a chance to communicate with her. In our 20 years together, she only really yelled at me twice. On my side, I never yelled at her.

For a non-BPD partner, many times it may be wise not to respond to their angry outbursts since any reaction may only cause worsened behaviors on their side. There is a big difference between not speaking with someone for a few hours until they "cool down" as opposed to many years, especially when there are shared young children involved.

Best of luck to you, CPWUSAF33. Sometimes, it may be helpful to respond with benign statements like "I am sorry you feel that way", "Tell me more about why you feel that way", or "Your opinions may be right" instead of saying "You are wrong", "Why are you overreacting?", or "You make me upset or angry with your mood swings."

It truly is a "Catch 22" relationship in that we are "damned if we do or damned if we don't", tragically.

[SeaCliff]

This is an interesting 80 second video on the "Japanese Water and Rice Experiment." In this experiment about positive, negative, or "Silent Treatment" intentions, thoughts, or words, a man either says kind and thankful words to the 1st glass of water and rice, yells at or says negative things to the 2nd glass of water and rice such as "You're an idiot", or completely ignores and gives the "Silent Treatment" to the 3rd glass of water.

After 30 days, guess which glass of water and rice was in the worst shape of them all? Humans are primarily made up of water (energy though is at our true absolute core), so this study was an interesting potential parallel to how traumatizing the "Silent Treatment" may be to either a child or an adult.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wc-ZmvxfBxE

[Findingmysong723]

Interesting!

Also, that visual of fermented rice shows you the damage emotional abuse does to ones heart and soul... . not good!  :'(

[sarielle]

 Noah hey, your story resonates with me.

When I was 18 almost 19 and finished school her legal obligation to me had finished. She made this clear and asked for cash for food and rent or that I leave within a month. For the period of 3 years before I left, she did not talk (just to me) and had my brothers not speak to me for fear of causing her dishonour and pain. Queen war commander uBPD mother.

Some BPD's will be silent for days on end. My mother would lie on the sofa for 3 days and some would think she was dead, but on other ocassions she would rage for days on end. When she did either, it was directed to the whole family. Her ignoring me, was only directed at me.

Some part of me believes that being the victim reflects who they see as their most loyal and close person, child, SO... . that its a warped compliment. My spirit expressed through my intellect believes that to be true too. It is possibly a part of the fullest  healing process for me to admit that but it did not feel that way. The pain is so great and I only just discovered BPD 2 days ago, as the validation for my experiences and pain after the passing of a nc uBPD mother. Of course very few others were able to observe it from the outside and she went for 26 years to psychiatrists and psychologists for depression. They never saw this

She passed on over a year ago. I moved into her place and did know how hurt I felt until I could finally relax under her roof, from which I escaped 23 years ago and became nc. She was the cause of my having been on the run and defensive all my life. I did not know - I was in denial - to protect me from the pain. Also I was the only one at the receiving end of the wicked part and everyone including my brothers had sympathy under her emotionally captive spell and didnt awaken the dragon so much just the ogre.

Any thoughts? If we put our egos aside - can we see this as the proof that we were valued by them and they were broken.

If we truly forgive them does that spiritually atone for their sins and free they souls in the next world? Can this be an act of giving and of compassion?. Do we atone for their sins to clear their energy? Sometimes I truly wonder if that is the bigger picture here. Definitely it makes no sense, that I paid the price that I paid.

Hope twinkles in me - I hope it does in you too

Best Sarielle

[SeaCliff]

Sarielle,

In regard to your quote from above ("Some part of me believes that being the victim reflects who they see as their most loyal and close person, child, SO... . that its a warped compliment. My spirit expressed through my intellect believes that to be true too.", I too believe that to be true as it relates to who receives the worst form of "Silent Treatment."

If the pwBPD traits did not care so much about being potentially abandoned by the person who they were closest to such as a spouse, child, or parent, then their splitting trigger may not be as severe. So, it really can be a "backhanded compliment" when they ignore us, and then try to destroy us too, tragically ironically.

I know at least a few adult women who were once the closest child to their perceived Borderline Mom. Yet, they were split the worst of all of the children at a later date, and have continued to endure years of the "Silent Treatment" from their own Moms in spite of how much they continue to tell their Mom how much they did love and care about them.

Again, the very passive-aggressive "Silent Treatment" is partly used as a way to control us so that we don't ever abandon them. Yet, they are abandoning us, and keeping us distant by their actions, unconsciously. It truly is a nonsensical and vicious downward spiraling "Catch 22" in that our actions or non-actions are wrong either way, from their convoluted perspectives.