Manipulative wife making false allegations

[Lost505]

I am brand new to this site and really need some advice. I have been married for almost 7 years and have two children with my wife ( ages 5 1/2 and 19 mos). Our relationship has been filled with conflict most of the time.it started out great and very passionate. It didn't take long before she started saying she didn't like this friend or that friend so slowly I stopped spending times with those friends. I kept a few of my really close friends against her wishes and to this day she refers to them in negative terms. However, she kept all her friends and if I didn't like one then oh well they are her friends not mine. She controlled and blocked people on my social networking sites but argued that I should not try to control who she talks to. I was constantly accused of having other women but later found out about infidelity on her part. We would separate and I would be serious about the separation but then she would always find a way to guilt me and apologize and say things like she doesn't want our kids raised by another man. The cycle continued over and over and got to the point where there was no trust and we seemed to be enemies at war. Defensive with each other and resulted in just bashing each other and saying pretty nasty things. Somehow, we ended up pregnant. I guess because of the I hate you then I love you she goes through. I was in a very bad car accident about 2 years ago and we were separated at the time but she moved back home. I thought this would change things. However, things got worse. She became verbally, mentally, and physically abusive. She tried to shove me down stairs twice, choked me, punched me, kicked me, scratched me, threatened me, wished I would have died in my accident, said her friends and family were going to hurt me, pulled my own gun on me and a list of other things. Then would say she was sorry and that she loved me and we needed to go to counseling. We then separated again. I know it sounds bad but after all those years I just found it to be a normal thing that she did. Plus I was embarrassed to call the police and I'm a very private person. I would always tell her that I could be the perfect man and she would still have a problem with me because she targeted everything at me. Well in December 2013 she attacked me at her residence while picking up the kids. She jumped on me and our 16 mos old at the time. She choked me with her hand and told me I would see our kids again. She then told me to leave or she was calling the police. I left and I called the police. They refused to arrest her saying it was my word against hers and I could have put those red marks on my neck. They pursued end her to give me the kids. I then went and was able to obtain an order of protection and filed for divorce in December. When we went to the hearing the judge stated he did not want to have a hearing but wanted to work it out off the record. He decided to issue an injunction that was not police enforced. So now to the moral of the story. She began violating the injunction and sucked me in by saying she didn't feel well and asked if I could come to her house to get the kids for school and the baby for me to keep while she worked. It got to the point where she wasn't awake when I got there and I would be waking up the kids, dressing them, and fed ding them in her home when she was supposed to be meeting me at a neutral location. But as always I'm a sucker for my kids. All of February 2014 she has been asking me to dismiss the divorce or put it on hold and go to counseling and she said she would put her all into it this time. But this time I would not dismiss the divorce. She kept asking me to come over. Well on February 21, 2014 she became extremely intoxicated and while on Xanax to add to the impairment. She asked me for a ride home from a bar and during that ride home began her rage. I was upset and was saying mean things as well and then when we got to her residence she ran in and called the police saying all kinds of crazy things. Bottom line I got arrested and this is the worst time in my life. She got an order of protection and now I havn't seen my kids since February 21st. After I seen them everyday and did everything for them. She was sexually assaulted by her step father as a teen and her mother is still married to the guy. She has been in numerous abusive relationships in the past. Abuses alcohol. The funny thing is I was seeing a counselor for my car accident and I would talk about my wife a lot because she made my situation worse not better. The therapist told me my wife sounded like she had boderline PD. She gave me the names of 3 books to read a week before this incident. I procrastinated but now I have read them and the books sound just like my life. My wife and her friends have started a smear campaign and trying to make me look like the bad guy. She is manipulative and is very believable. My question is: these books help a lot but don't really help with what to do after she's already lied, false allegations, and has pretty much ruined your life. Is there anyway to overcome this. She is good and has me backed into a corner. She's out partying and having fun while actually I'm afraid and ashamed of myself by this whole situation and not understanding or researching earlier. Is it normal for men not to report domestic battery against them? I just don't understand how it has gotten this far. The police do not want to listen. I'm just lost. Thanks to whoever can help or give advice

[Aussie0zborn]

Wow, just like the rest of us here you sure f**cked yourself up. But you can repair the damage and get some sweet and discreet revenge by living life to the fullest - and it is possible. Think of your kids and what they need from you because they aren't ever going to get the same from her.

Firstly, yes... . men are hesitant to report abuse and often for the reason that its embarrassing. I would go further and suggest another key reason is that we have been through the idealisation stage and we believed their crap.  You know, how they wish  they had met us ten years earlier and not have endured the bad relationships they did because had they met us back then their lives would have been perfect because we are just perfect guys - or so they had us believing.  It's not the same now during the devaluation phase, is it? Everything they loved about us is all of a sudden ridiculed, scoffed at and scorned. That's just how it is.

Being painted black is normal with pwBPD for reasons detailed on hundreds of posts here and as you now know from reading those books. Reading them earlier may have helped to avoid the trap you fell into but don't kick yourself because like me you probably wouldn't have taken any notice believing that you could use logic and the SET technique to calm her down each time she went off the rails. Because you believed she loved you but those horrible men from the past are at fault and because of the effect their abuse had on her. Because we're genuine, we think she will see that and calm down.  The fact that we are genuine is one of the reasons we're chosen and the reason she knows she can abuse us time and time again.

The next trap she sets for you will be bigger and better. Please please take some time to read as many posts here that you can. Understand it and understand that your are not qualified to help her. Do what it takes to free yourself and to be their for your kids. They need you and always will. Hang in there, fight the good fight, don't be provoked and it will pass.

Also, if you can use paragraphs it makes long posts easier to read and you might get more responses. Good luck. Stick around.

[marbleloser]

It would have been great if you had been recording while in her presence,but that's water under the bridge.

Does the protection order also include the kids or is just a PO for her?

If it doesn't include the kids,you have every right to be around them.

Time to stop being nice. You can't afford to do that. You see where it's gotten you. If there's any way you can get the kids and keep them,do it, if you don't have a PO restraining you from being around them and there's no custody order in place.

[ForeverDad]

Isolation from friends... . common tactic to keep you away from support.

Double standards... . your spouse can have friends but not you.

Projection... . your spouse regularly accuses you of infidelity but she is the one unfaithful.

Posturing as the victim/target... . common abuser overreaction to shift blame off oneself.

(The ultimate in Projection + Blame-shifting - make the other look as bad as or worse than oneself.)

Your spouse had a childhood very much like my ex's childhood.  She had a choice to overcome her past but she took the path to blaming and abusive behaviors.  My ex too almost got me arrested.  What saved me was that our child was in my arms, sobbing and when the officer asked me to hand our preschooler over to her and step away, he shrieked and clung tighter to me.  I will always say my son saved me that day.

Back to you... . you got arrested.  Can't undo that easily.  Later your state may allow you to file for expungement in a year or so, good behavior and all that.  Frankly, you have several things to do all at once to avoid hurting yourself and sabotaging your divorce/parenting/DV cases so I'll jumble them all in together.

• Never ever argue or lose your temper with her, she won't listen and it will only end up hurting you.



• Never ever touch your stbEx again, not ever, it will only end up hurting you.



• Keep your distance from her, distance is less risky.



• Don't exchange the children at your residences, that's too risky, do it in a public location or, even better, at the local police station or sheriff's office.



• Stop being the Nice Guy (or if the gender fits, Nice Gal), your stbEx will use your good intentions and actions against you, it will only end up hurting you.



• Get a lawyer, an experienced one.  DV allegations are serious and can impact your employment and parenting.



• Never admit to doing anything wrong.  You are allowed to stay silent, you do not have to incriminate yourself.  Remember that plea deals, as attractive as they may be described, involved admissions of some level of guilt.  Such admissions may haunt you for years or decades.  Courts don't care about actual guilt or innocence. Guilty or not, if you admit guilt (cop a plea) then you're stuck with that admission.



• Now:  Get Bill Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It contains priceless advice that will help you navigate the minefield of dealing with false DV allegations and obstructive ex-spouses.

Yes, as already asked, does the RO include the children?  If it does, then you need to get the judge to drop them from the case.  This may take a few weeks if the judge wants CPS involvement or an evaluation to be sure you're not a danger to them.  If you can, try to get any investigations or evaluations to be applied to BOTH of you, not just you.  Time to shine a light on her behavior patterns too even if officialdom thinks they only have to scrutinize you.

If the RO does not include the children, then find a way in family court to set up a parenting schedule and set up exchanges in a police station so the exchanges can be monitored.  For now you can't be near her without an officer of the court present and officers and deputies are officers of the court.

Also, this is probably just a temporary RO, as a result of her "ex parte" or emergency petition to the court, right?  How soon is the next court appearance?  Within a few weeks they'll invite you in and take a closer look at the case.  Remember most cases aren't resolved on the first appearance, a few continuances are normal.  If you you're innocent, state so, let that be your position.  If not, then follow your lawyer's advice, probably where she would have to prove it.

Going forward, be very careful and always on your Best Behavior when having ANY contact with her, telephone, texts, emails, exchanges, etc.  Don't let her rattle your cage.  You can't reason with her, at least not on a consistent basis and now that it has gone legal in a ballistic way, you can never risk being with her again, not long term.

Long term, you'll need more that psych evals for each of you during the divorce.  In most areas that in-depth review is called a Custody Evaluation.

[Lost505]

Thanks for the responses. Great advice! I do not plan on being anywhere near her or alone with her ever again. I'm just wondering now how I'm going to co-parent with a woman so evil that you have to keep at arms length and walk on eggshells with.

Also, I am worried about the long term effect on the children. I bent over backwards, went above and beyond, and put up with pure hell for the kids for it to get to this point. You would think the police would do a better investigation or background on the parties involved. I feel so stupid. I mean I knew how unstable she was but didn't expect her to take it to this level. Although, now that I understand this illness I can see the patterns and common traits.

She was basically telling me what she was going to but I was educated enough about this to know it was actually going to happen. She said she would ruin my life and image. Well, she's doing a pretty good job at it now.

Now is it common for her to mess up during this if I keep my cool? Or are BPD's able to control their emotions when they know they have the upper hand? Would it be wise for me to start therapy for myself to help myself and understand this a little better? Will that help with court as well. She definitely will not get help because her life is everyone else's fault.

My court date for the OP is march 13, 2014.

And sorry for not separating the paragraphs the first time. I was on a roll and just hit send.

Again thanks for the responses they were very helpful.

[maxen]

I mean I knew how unstable she was but didn't expect her to take it to this level.

likewise, i saw all the patterns in my wife's (and her parents' behaviors but i never ever thought she (and they) would take it to the extreme they did. what a hell they made my life.

have you called a lawyer?

[Waddams]

Now is it common for her to mess up during this if I keep my cool?

I've seen it happen in my case and my current SO's case.  It can be as simple as their own selfishness sabotages them or with you gone, she'll turn her ire against the kids, and you can find a way to use that to turn the tables on her if you can document it correctly to the court.

Or are BPD's able to control their emotions when they know they have the upper hand?

In my experience, they get more dysregulated.  They start to think they are unstoppable, their grandiosity escalates, and their maladaptive behaviors escalate because they think they can't be touched.  The safer they feel, the worse they treat you.  And/or the kids.

Would it be wise for me to start therapy for myself to help myself and understand this a little better? Will that help with court as well.

Yes, and I would think yes.

She definitely will not get help because her life is everyone else's fault.

Which is typical.

Once you have a good understanding, you can really anticipate and plan for the next steps you take.  I've gotten so I can predict uPDxw pretty accurately.

And second from me on lawyering up if you haven't already.  Google "father's rights lawyer" or something + your local town name and state.  Another thing that helps is to google "lawyer" and your town's name.  Then switch to maps.  Start calling the lawyers that are closest to the courthouse.  Ask them about their experience representing men dealing with false accusations, abusive/disordered ex-wives, fighting for custody under those circumstances, etc.  Search this site for more info. as well as Bill Eddy's book/website for advice and see how what the L's you talk to compare.  

Also try to find a L that knows the judges well and is on good terms with them.  An "insider".  This is probably as important as having a L that knows the ropes of high conflict family law cases.

[Zon]

Or are BPD's able to control their emotions when they know they have the upper hand?

In my experience, they get more dysregulated.  They start to think they are unstoppable, their grandiosity escalates, and their maladaptive behaviors escalate because they think they can't be touched.  The safer they feel, the worse they treat you.  And/or the kids.

Does that apply to pwBPD in general or only those with NPD traits?

[Lost505]

Yes I have hired a divorce attorney as I filed for divorce before this happened. I think that's part of the problem that escalated this. I had the OP first and was petitioning for custody and child support. But now that I have read up on BPD I lacked an exit plan and now I know she was waiting for the right opportunity to turn the tables.

My divorce attorney is aggressive, believes in father's rights, and use to work as a states attorney in the family division where my divorce is filed so she knows the ins and outs.

My criminal attorney is referred and I'm told is one of the best.

I'm just worried that if she is a master manipulator and can make herself cry and use all the tricks to be believable then what if it turns out in her favor. What if she hasn't been diagnosed and they do not understand the illness? And how can someone so good at lying be properly diagnosed if they lie during evaluations?

I have so many concerns. She has turned my kids and my life upside down over her selfish, controlling, abusive, manipulative ways.

Again, thanks for the responses and for listening to me rant. This site is a God send.

[Waddams]

Does that apply to pwBPD in general or only those with NPD traits?

not sure.  i've admittedly only had first person experience with 2 ex-'s, and SO's XH (who is more like ASPD, i believe).  both my ex-'s had NPD traits as well as other disordered behaviors.  very few of them fit neatly into one specific category.

[ForeverDad]

A diagnosis is not as important as a clear accounting of her behaviors and behavior patterns.  For the OP they will be looking mostly at the adult behaviors.  When it comes to the children, parenting and custody, the professionals will be giving far more weight to the parenting behaviors (with the children) than the adult behaviors (with her).

When you appear for your divorce case, you must try to get the best order you can from the very start.  Yes, it will be harder with what she's done.  But your lawyer should know not to turn to you and say, ":)on't worry, we'll let her win now, no big deal, we'll fix it later."  In my case, my divorce lasted 2 years (okay, only 23.5 months) and the court refused to edit the temp order, not when the court's parenting investigator recommended I move up from alternate weekends to equal time, and not when the custody evaluator's report requested she immediately lose temp custody.

Also, be aware that many temp orders have a tendency to morph into permanent orders.  Judges conclude that since it 'worked' during the divorce it must be okay.

Are the children included in her petition?  Is there already a parenting schedule ordered in the divorce case?

Is this OP in family court where the divorce case is or is it in another court?  If in another court it may not be hard to get the children excluded from her petition right from the start simply because family/domestic court usually handles things - custody & visitation - dealing with the children.

Beware of being 'too' honest.  She probably alleged numerous things, exaggerated with maybe just a little truth or totally unsubstantiated.  If you answer "Yes but... . " to any of it then it's likely all the court will hear is the first word, "Yes".  So beware of splitting hairs with the truth.  In an effort to be super honest we can shoot ourselves in the foot.  Were you abusing her?  No.  Were you threatening her?  No.  Were you screaming at her?  No, I was trying to get her to calm down.  Etc.  Your criminal attorney will have good advice about what to say, not say and how.  Get Bill Eddy's Splitting handbook now.  It's inexpensive yet worth as much as either of your attorneys.  It is Required Reading.

Of course, that means you have to be super careful that no one ever hears you doing or saying anything to her that you don't want repeated in court.  Think, self control, don't let her push your buttons.  Loosing your cool with her will only put your freedom and parenting at risk.  Repeat that 100 times.

[broken3]

Lost,

So sorry to hear about your situation.

A word of advice that helped to turn the tables.

When I argued the abuse order and it was dismissed. I requested the judge issue a court order requesting communication through text and e-mail only.

My ex was so brazen that she literally continuously denied the parenting schedule in writing, cancelled kids insurance, denied them therapy, and even refuted all the false allegations. She now has put it in writing that I never abused her or my kids.

She has also flipped out in court a few times.

She was her own worst enemy. I literally did not have to do anything. Just document, document, document!

[Lost505]

The OP does have the kids on it. However, before this incident there was a temporary order which resulted in pretty much equal time with the kids. Actually, I think I had the kids a little more.

Another reason now that I think about it that this was planned.

The OP hearing is in the same court the divorce is being heard and I believe before the same judge.

I know now I'm in an up hill battle but as easy as it was for me to get material on this and learn more then why does it seem so hard for the courts to understand this?

I mean I understand but I don't understand. If that makes sense!

[maxen]

My divorce attorney is aggressive, believes in father's rights, and use to work as a states attorney in the family division where my divorce is filed so she knows the ins and outs.

My criminal attorney is referred and I'm told is one of the best.

I'm just worried that if she is a master manipulator and can make herself cry and use all the tricks to be believable then what if it turns out in her favor.

if you have good lawyers, it shouldn't turn out in her favor. they should be able to handle it. ideally, they'll have seen it before. did you mention BPD to your divorce lawyer? here is a handy pamphlet by bill eddy: bpdfamily.com About Personality Disorders and the Family Courts, and here is a thread about his book Splitting: Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist. print out the first one and hand it to your divorce L. maybe the criminal L too.

[Lost505]

We did have an injunction that called for only texts and emails. She then asked if she could call about the kids because it was too much to type. I agreed, she starting crying, apologizing, loving me. Sucked me right back in. At that point neither one of us could file contempt charges because we were both violating the order.

That's how I started getting even more time with the kids. If I went along with her demands and just dealt with it then she started leaving the kids with me on her time and it was like I had them 75 to 80% of the time. At least I knew the wouldn't be on the end of her rages and coming home intoxicated.

When I was around her anger and rage and misery was taken out on me and I felt that was a good trade to protect the children.

So it makes me wonder who is the target of her wrath now. She's so angry that it has to be released somehow.

[ugghh]

Lost,  there is little I can add to the advice that ForeverDad has written.  I would emphasize a  few things 1) Keep coming to this board, the patterns of the BPD/NPD are eerily similar and most likely someone here has already been down the path and can help you avoid stepping in any more holes; 2) Keep going to your counselor/therapist and also don't be embarrassed to share your story with family and friends.  You will be amazed at the support you didn't even know you had. 3) Yes, keep your cool the pwBPD will eventually blow up and shoot themselves in the foot if you are patient.

On the more practical side a few other pieces of advice:

My stbx tried to bugger me up with a phony order of protection.  The bad news of it was that she lied completely on the ex-parte order, the good news was that both my teenage sons were there at the time of the supposed "abuse" and were ready to come into court on my behalf.  Divorce judges are used to this kind of stuff - talk to your attorney and see if he can make the protection order go away lieu of each of you agreeing to mutual exclusive use of your own residences - you won't go in her house and she can't come in your house.

-- Lesson - never be by yourself with your stbx.  Get a friend/family member to go with you because in your case kids are not really old enough to speak up.

-- Lesson - thou shall immediately go get a digital recorder and keep on any time you might be near the stbx.  My recorder gets turned on 2 blocks before I pull in front of the house and I do not even walk in.  This is cheap insurance against false domestic violence accusations.

Within the first week of when I moved out of the house about 3 months ago, stbx kept up her normal routine of endless phone calls, berating, pleading, etc.  You are not going to be married to her and you are separated now - you do not have to answer the phone.  In fact I determined very quickly that given the amount she out-talked me and pwBPD propensity to project untruths, I had nothing to gain and could only lose with unrecorded verbal conversations.  I just refuse to have them with her.  Even when she would call and leave me an message I would respond via email.  ":)ear uBPDw, I received your urgent message expressing concern that the kids have been with me for all of ten minutes since you left and somehow I have managed to not infect them with bubonic plague.  They are fine and will be returning at the previously scheduled time of xx "

-- Lesson - avoid verbal confrontation with people who could sell ice to eskimoes or at least wear their opponents down until their eyes bleed.

-- Lesson - avoid verbal conversations that become he said/she said.  Emails leave a black and white trail.

The patience the nons have learned in putting up with abuse by the pwBPD becomes your asset in a divorce action.  Most BPD are highly impulsive and will try the patience of the everyone involved including the judges and even their own attorneys.  Decide what your goals are and keep your eyes on the prize.  As Broken3 said, your stbx will likely give you all the help you need if you do not play the game on her terms.  Remember pwBPD are used to being in control by whatever means possible - once you enter the court system, they are no longer in control. 

I listened to advice here about temp orders mattering - I got no SS, $300 CS to cover kids medical she pays, kids live with me (not much court can do at age 16 but still), traded paying me paying about $300 of bills for her taking about $700 worth of other bills.  Make sure your attorney knows your goals.

Hang in there, every day gets better.

[ugghh]

Lost, one other piece of advice I picked up from another board.

-- Radio Silence when discussing things with stbx - you talk about kids / kids issues only  (via email of course) nothing regarding your goals for divorce.  Let your L handle that.

-- Most importantly, pwBPD cannot wait to tell you how smart they are how the judge is going to smack you down and put you in your place - DO NOT TAKE LEGAL ADVICE FROM YOUR STBX - ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE BPD!

[Lost505]

Again, thanks to everyone. You are helping me more than you could imagine. It's amazing how much info you find out after the fact. It's almost like the craziness becomes normalcy and you think that's just the way it's supposed to be.

This is the most stressful situation I have ever been in and to find this site has been an outlet that I very much needed. When I explain everything to people who have not lived this life they find it hard to believe that things could be so bad in a relationship. Now that I've been forced to step back and take a look at it, I can not believe I allowed this to happen and it for sure has done some damage to my mental health.

It is so hard to believe there are so many people involved I relationships like this and so many people with this illness. I pray for anyone going through this.

[MyGreatEscape]

OH. MY. GAWD. Lost505, I am so sorry. Wow. I am almost speechless.

PLEASE start documenting. Create a calendar, write EVERYTHING that happens with her, when you have the kids and it's supposed to be her day, if she's intoxicated... . EVERYthing. Take this to court next time.

Look up your local laws/penal codes about restraining orders and custody and quote these verbatim. What a crock that they added your kids to the order!

Be dull around her or say nothing at all. One therapist told me to "be Jesus-like." Sounds impossible, but being boring and nothing-but-the-facts-maam and get out of there is always best. And carry a recording device ANY time you are alone near her. Seriously. Or, bring someone every time you get the kids... . someone neutral if possible (who can witness or snap pics!). She is totally deranged, the poor thing. Most importantly, poor you and your little ones. Good god. We all crack at times (there was another post on that earlier) but don't make it a habit... . these people WILL use it and you will lose... . they have perfected the smear campaign... . obviously, look at how she was able to manipulate everyone and you were arrested! Jeeez. Man, I feel a pain in my chest... . stay strong... . get those babies away from her, and keep reading these boards... . LOTS of insightful people on here with GREAT input.

Good luck to you. ((hugs))

[david]

My xBPDw ran away with our two boys in 2007. I tried to reason, etc. Doesn't work. You can't reason with unreasonable. They are two very different things and trying to will only continue to confuse you.

In 2010, ex called me ten minutes after I dropped the boys off at her place. She left a message since I only communicate through email. She said she was kicking S13 out of her place and he was no longer allowed to live with her. I left my guard done and went to pick him up. He was on the curb sobbing with his school bag on one side of him and another bag on his other side. I stopped without parking and went out to get him. He was shaking so much I just held him until I thought he calmed down enough. I had him get in my car. I picked up his bags and went to put them in the back of my car. By then, stbx was standing 5 feet in front of me. Started blaming me for everything. I said nothing. When my back was towards her she tripped or threw herself to the ground. She scraped her elbow. I was arrested, convicted, put in jail for two weeks, and lost my job.

I now carry a video and an audio recorder with me at all times in my car. If she comes near me she sees me turn them on and she walks away. After a few attempts she stopped. I still carry them with me.

Yes, I was very concerned about the boys wellbeing. I found a T to get my bearings.

Today, I have a better relationship with both boys (now 10 and 15) then I ever did. They both don't trust their mom with anything. They tell her nothing about their lives, friends, school, you name it. I fell bad about that but I did not cause it and I can't fix it.

Do not underestimate. Stay focused on the kids and it does get better.

[Lost505]

Believe me I am so afraid to be any where near her. And not just because of the verbal, mental, and physical abuse but because of the manipulation and ease of making accusations. She has it done to an art I tell you.

I have started carrying a small handheld digital camcorder just in case. However, I go above and beyond to not run into her. We live within 3 miles of each other and I've had to change my whole routine. I shop in a different town and even have started doing recreational activities miles away where I will not see her friends and associates.

It's a shame I have to do this and give up some of my freedom but that is how much she has beat me down. And it may play into her control that she needs to have but I'm afraid.

It's funny how her smear campaign is that I'm the psychotic "crazy" one but she is the one spreading rumors and false allegations and trying to figure out what I'm doing while she has the OP against me now.

The OP is bogus and because it is it is working backwards. I'm a prisoner in my own home and town and she's out partying it up and laughing in my face. Not to mention irreversibly damaging out children. The children are my main priority and it really hurts not knowing if they are ok. Especially when I was their main provider and supporter.

How selfish! It really makes me sick to my stomach daily to think about what those kids are going through. Today is the 13th day I have not seen my children and have not heard a word about how they are.

I pray this all works out because when it does there will be no sucking me back in or a chance for any allegations. I will safe guard myself to the max.

Love does not hate or abuse or wish death or want an innocent person in jail and away from their children. Why did I put up with this for so long?

Thanks everyone who reads and allows me to vent. It really helps a lot.

[ForeverDad]

My now-ex filed twice to have our son 'protected' from me.  Both were ex parte (emergency) petitions where she was granted the TPO until a hearing could be scheduled and I could defend myself to the judge.

In between orders and until I got into family court to get a divorce case temp order, I was blocked from all father-child contact, even by telephone, for over three months from my 4 year old.  So, yes, I know what it is like.  It is gut-wrenching, it was so very hard to stay away and not violate any terms of the temp protection order - or else I could have risked judicial consequences.

I had multiple concerns:

• I needed the judge to see I was not a risk to our son and exclude our preschooler from the case



• I needed to show I was innocent of the unsubstantiated allegations



• I needed to resist attempts to con me into accepting a plea deal which would mean admitting to some level of guilt

My lawyer said my ex could get an order for up to 5 years anyway just for claiming vague 'fearfulness".  So in the end we settled for (1) child was excluded from the order, (2) no finding or admission of guilt, (3) order was jsut for several months to get us through the first part of the divorce and (4) settlement was classified as one that couldn't be renewed or end date extended.

Point is, though I didn't like it, it limited my exposure to possible whims of a judge, guaranteed our child was excluded so my parenting was not restricted, I could still maintain my innocence, and it would end in a few months.

However, many here have been able to get the case dismissed outright without proceeding.  Often there was no credible evidence.  And if it wasn't dismissed then they got the judge to set a parenting schedule while the case was continued to a few new dates.