School...

[RaindropsOnRoses]

I am new to the board and wondered if anyone had any recommendations how dealing with the school and failing grades. My daughter is 13 in 7th grade and failing every single subject, has been all year.  In our district middle school is only 7th and 8th grade and then high school 9-12.

She has had some discipline issues all year, detention, In school suspensions. The school counselor actually told me earlier this year that her grades were not a priority at this point bc her "mental condition" was such a factor she felt like she was dealing with so much in her own head that it would be a slap in the face to pretend math or any subject was a priority right now. 

At the time i thought oh good she get it,grades were not a priority then and i was glad she wasn't harping on them. She was hospitalized shortly after that bc things were very rough at that point with depression and cutting, suicide talks.

She has since been doing better, not great, certainly not good by normal standards, but for her pretty good.

I have talked to her school again about her grades and what to do several times. They alway put it back on me and say well you need to work with her, she still isnt listening, is being disruptive in class, she doesn't try hard enough and puts little effort into her work, she fails all her tests ect.

So I know that is all true, but what do i do about it? I mean at some point its like this is as good as its going to get behavior wise ... so now what? Its like they arnt even willing to suggest anything. Her therapist has said I should request an IEP or 504 i think, but when i ask the school about this they discouraged it bc she isnt really special needs, and they think she is fully capable of the work required. 

We did some IQ testing previously and the results were inconclusive bc the scores on each sections were so inconsistent, some areas she tried and did well, others it was like no effort at all and failed every question.

I dont know what to do now... ?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ConflictedxAMillion]

I'm not sure where you are from, but for us (Vermont, USA).  If you request testing for a learning disability, hence a 504 or IEP - they are OBLIGATED to do it.  There's some psychological testing as well as academic/IQ.  I think I also remember with my daughter that her therapist at the time was allowed to come in and give her two cents worth as well.  My daughter was, in the end, given a 504 (accomodations) such as, taking tests outside of the classroom, when feeling like she was losing control she could be excused to the in-house school counselor's office, she had things such as those hand squeeze balls to help with the anxiety she was having and to keep her busy. 

My daughter also did very poorly in school.  It just was not her thing.  She too was also a displinary problem as well, but they have to work with you on it - and testing for learning disabilities/emotional issues can help get you to a 504/IEP to get you the special services you need for her.

[jellibeans]

Dear RaindropsOnRoses

School... . well that is a word that sends shivers down my spine... . my dd16 is a junior and everyday... . and mean everyday is a struggle for her to get through school.

You have to be an advocate for your daughter... . she should be on a 504 and begin the process for an IEP... . know your rights... . get her tested. We went the private route and had our daughter tested... . we did a Neuropsychological evaluation... . our insurance paid for it and it was easier than waiting for the school to get around to it.

My duaghter is in her third full time school... . I am not counting the schools she went to while at RTC and the hospital... . she is also looking to change again next year... . god help us. She really struggles at school but her disorder makes it very hard to home school her. She gets by but barely at times. Your dd is struggling right now and the school should be offering more help... . if she is behind she should be going in for tutoring... . if she skips she should be in school suspension etc... . you need to sit down with the principal of the school... . cut through all the middle men and talk to the person that makes the decision. What is going to happen at the end of this year? Is she going to repeat 7th grade? I don't see how that will help your daughter.

The fact is your daughter has a disability... . an emotional disability that is preventing her from getting her work done... . I would get a lawyer if you can not get the school on the same page with you. My school district has a campus for kids that have trouble in the mainstream schools... . it is their repsonisiblity to educate your daughter even if that means sending a teacher to your home to do that... . you really have to be direct with the school... . making it your problem is not acceptable... . if your dd is ODD there is no way she is going to listen to you.

Does your daughter have an DX? Does she have a dx of conduct disorder? Getting the testing done will give you proof that your daughter needs help so make that the first thing you do to get  the ball rolling. Hang in there... . at least this is not high school... . that is when the stress sets in... . right now the focus should be on how best to support your daughter during this time... . hang in there

[pessim-optimist]

Hello RaindropsOnRoses, 

Welcome to the Parenting board!

I am so sorry your school hasn't been more proactive and cooperative in this process. The school system in the US is obligated to provide appropriate accommodations for a child.

jellibeans advice is sound, and like she said, unfortunately you will need to be an advocate for your girl... .  

Here is a couple of links that have information on 504s/IEPs and Educational accommodations, that might be helpful for you in gathering information:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198796

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168656

Hang in there... . it's a long haul, but it can be done. 

[femom]

Notify your schools pupil personnel department (district special education) that you are requesting an evaluation.  They are obligated under federal law to provide testing and to initiate a Committee On Special Education (CSE) meeting within a certain number of days.  You are entitled to bring an advocate, therapist, etc with you to the meeting.  It doesn't matter how "smart" your daughter may be, having an emotional disability is one of the 13 categories for which special education services must be provided.  I wish I knew this back when my child was first experiencing difficulties in elementary school.  When I realized how I had been manipulated by the schools, I went back to school and got a masters degree in special education and am now teaching.  Don't back down!

[BioAdoptMom3]

I think an IEP or 504 is a good idea and I would get some kind of statement from both the doctor and the therapist!  Is she on any kind of medication?  Because our kids are so high strung emotionally school can be a problem for them.  For our DD14 it is not the grades at all, but attendance.  Her grades are excellent, but once or twice a week she is too tired or has a headache or cramps or whatever and she just "can't" go to school!  We do not allow her to go anywhere the rest of the day and have even tried taking her phone for the day, but it doesn't seem to matter.  You need to get the school onboard, maybe start with guidance.  Because our kids appear "normal", like many mental illness, society just doesn't want to recognize, or feel the need to recognize their very special needs!   

[femom]

Emotional disturbance is one of the 13 categories under which a child may receive special education services under the federal law.  It does not matter how smart your child is or how well they perform on standardized tests your child may have emotional issues that prevent her from attending school and from receiving the appropriate education that she is entitled to.  Contact your school's special education department and get the ball rolling.  The time clock starts when you make the request so be sure to stay on top of them to perform testing and to schedule a meeting.  Take charge and good luck!

[RaindropsOnRoses]

So far I have been able to get her to go everyday, I dont trust her along during the day so its really non optional and she knows that. She still misses a lot of class though bc she is in the nurses office daily, often more than once. She also meets with school counselor once a week and misses class for that as well as, then there are the days she spends in in school suspension. They have adopted a no tolerance policy with her, which I don't agree with at all!

I mean she is going to have problems, not that i think she should get away with things other kids don't but she is going to have troubles and be more disruptive than most the kids. Every time she gets in trouble for being too loud or disruptive , or to physical with friends (even playfully) she gets ISS, I have complained about this bc i think its counter productive to have her miss so much class all the time! They just refer to their "policy" and say she has been warraned enough times.

[RaindropsOnRoses]

She is taking meds also, Prozac, Risperdal, and Concerta.

[raytamtay3]

My DD14 was classified as "emotionally disturbed" under IDEA. It is my understanding that a parent can make a recommendation to have the child study team at the school conduct evaluations to see if she qualifies. I would not take no for an answer.  My DD was put on homebound instruction. She intially started with doing school work on line but that didn't work because she didn't put in the required time so I contacted them and asked for in home tutors instead. Up until that point it was nightmare getting her to school and having her stay in there as she kept getting suspended. Her school pretty much handed the IEP to us as they were sick and tired of having to deal with her on a daily basis pretty much.

[jellibeans]

RaindropsOnRoses

How frustrating for you and your dd. I think your school really needs to sit down and take the time to educate themselves on this disorder. This kind of environment can be very hard on your dd and just makes her not want to go to class at all. I think there are educational advisors you can hire to help... . kind of like a lawyer. I would put everything in writing when talking with the school. I think starting with requesting ameeting and including the district rep for special education is the first step. You need more people to support you.

Are you seeing any improvement with the medications? Is your dd depressed? My dd was on prozac and risperdal at one time and we didn't not see any improvement but everyone is different. My dd is on Lamictal 200mg and Celexa... . I do think the prozac made her more aggressive.

Just so you know many of us struggle with getting our kids to go to school... . have you looked into an alternative school? Some that only run a half a day? A shorter amount of time is something she might manage better. Have you looked into a theraputic boarding school? somewhere where she gets more intensive help with therapy and goes to school? These can be costly. She is very young right now and as far as school goes I wouldn't stress about that too much but you did need to get more support from your home school going forward.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[RaindropsOnRoses]

I have forwarded an official letter to the school today. I'm a little scared of their response, i know its stupid but I  struggle with admitting she has so many problems. I just want her to be normal, its hard for me to request help and admit I cant help her. I have looked into some private schools, but like you said they are  expensive and I dont have the resources to pay for anything like that. We have an alternative school that starts in 9th grade, but I dont like that place at all and hope to not have to go there. My brother went there and its basically daycare. They have very little in the way or true education, its suppose to be more life skills which sounds good but i just know from experience when i was in highschool and had friends there and now from friends who have had children graduated there its just not alot of education. Most the kids of leave there are in no shape to even attend a community college. 

Now reading this back after typing it, I can see first hand that i have not at all accepted what she is cable of and what that means for her... . sad

She is depressed, she cuts as well. She has been on Prozac about 3 years, i think its has helped but its is a big problem, the rispirital is newer, it replaced Abilify which didnt seem to make any difference. The Concerta is newer as well, replaced Adderall bc she was not eating on the adderall at all. It literally turned her off of food completely not just reduced her appetite. That isnt as much an issue now with Concerta its been 2 months on both. The reps is still a low dosage and will be increased monthly for 3 months is what they said.

[RaindropsOnRoses]

She took lamictal at one point too, but i cant even recall now why that was changed

[jellibeans]

Until they are on full dosage I don't know if you will see the full effect. My dd16 changed meds a lot... . with almost every hopsital stay and then when she was finally released her P would change it again... . I am terrified to even touch her meds right now because she has been really good with the raging and the our of control anger. She isn't always kind but at least she is is not out of control and having aone meltdown after another.

I am glad you wrote the letter... . get the process started... . really have to fight for your rights. I feel badly for your dd in the environment she is in... . being constantly sent to SSI... . that is no way to to deal with this disorder.

[theplotthickens]

We have found it much less stressful to homeschool.  She goes to classes with teachers that I hire and that she likes, and we are homework-free. We utilize a lot of technology, such as  internet and soft-ware based classes.  This lowers stress, increases achievement, decreases negative influences, and frees evenings up for activities and work.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but we have found it MUCH less stress to homeschool than to deal with the schools and their nonsense.

Has anyone else opted out of the public school system because it did not serve their family well?

[theplotthickens]

I would want to try a mood stabilizer as a monotherapy, weaning off the SSRI and Ablilify  Lamictal is good mood stabilizer for kids who cut/are depressed a lot of the time.   If she is still not stable, consider adding a 2nd generation anti-psych such as Seroquel. 

Any AD/HD meds or stimulants may be increasing irrititability, as well. I would resist those.

We have found that major med changes are best done in-patient during a hospitalization. 

[trainwreck4]

My dd17 is in our local public school. She has a behavioral iep. Unfortunately this iep means she doesn't have to go to class or hand anything in on time, and she has been actually "given" credits because the school feels badly for her. I have maintained through the last two years that she needs to have boundaries there and structure. The school refuses to challenge her on anything. She is a high functioning BPD and they are turning her into a kid that won't try. The school completely enables her with her drama, and I have actually seen her smirking while she manipulates them. I am seeing the other end of the spectrum, and I am afraid for her post secondary life. She has been taught that she doesn't need to follow rules, there are no expectations of her, and they will constantly preach to me about what a nice girl she is and I should be proud. I am proud, but they are grooming her for welfare and she has so much potential!