Made up stories/scenarios

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think my boyfriend makes up stories to gauge my reaction.

For instance, yesterday he said he got this really great job offer.  It seemed fishy to me.  Then the kicker... . it will require him to move 2 hours away.  What do I think?

I tell him I don't know, he'll have to think about it.  He had time to decide.

NOT the answer he was looking for.

I'm sure you can guess his reaction.

I don't love him, he says.  I don't want to be near him.  I am repulsed, he says.

Is this common in BPD?

[AllisG]

I think my boyfriend makes up stories to gauge my reaction.

For instance, yesterday he said he got this really great job offer.  It seemed fishy to me.  Then the kicker... . it will require him to move 2 hours away.  What do I think?

I tell him I don't know, he'll have to think about it.  He had time to decide.

NOT the answer he was looking for.

I'm sure you can guess his reaction.

I don't love him, he says.  I don't want to be near him.  I am repulsed, he says.

Is this common in BPD?

[Clearmind]

Alli your response to his moving is invalidating. Whether it's made up or not you'd probably feel invalidated if he said the same to you.

Your reaction sounds to me like you have one foot out the door - I do realize you are undecided.

How can you respond in a more validating way?

[AllisG]

I could have been validating.  I really need to work on that. I just have trouble doing it when I feel he's lying or being excessively dramatic. I feel sometimes that it feeds it. 

Like, why should I have to beg him not to move away when it's not even a possibility?

I don't know that I'm one foot out the door yet. 

I've recently started actually maintaining my boundaries.  It's caused a bit of an upheaval.  He's not used to not getting what he wants and isn't taking it well. 

I'm getting very tired.

[maxsterling]

Did you tell him that you will have to think about it, or that he will have to think about it?  I'm a little confused.  

I disagree that your response was invalidating.  I think it was neutral.  But the pwBPD may interpret neutral as invalidating.  In my case, my BPDgf can't handle it if I respond with "I don't know".  I legitimately don't know sometimes, and don't know how to respond.  It's honest.  Get a question from left field - obviously it will take time to respond to.  So for her, she asks, "should I do this?"  I may respond, "I don't know," and she interprets that as me not caring, and thus her voice elevates, and at times I have justified or defended (JADE) and the raised voice becomes a scream.  If the situation were reversed, I would accept "I don't know" or "I need time to think" as an acceptable answer, or make me realize my question was crossing a boundary for the relationship I was in.  

I run across similar situations all the time, and depending on how I respond, her response is "you don't love me" (An invalidation in itself!).  Her: ":)o you want to go to the store with me?"  Me:  "No, I have other things to do."  Her:  "I see, you don't want to spend time with me."  The way I see it, if she feels invalidated by an honest "No", that is hers to own and deal with.  I could say "Honey, I love spending time with you, but I really need to get this done now.  How about we do something later?" and that may put her mind at ease.  But what if I simply didn't want to go to the store?  A non BPD would not feel invalidated by a simple "no, I don't want to."  A pwBPD sees it differently.  

As to your questions on made up stories - perhaps this is what you are referring to:  "If we won the lottery, would we start a family immediately?"  I heard that one recently.  Or, "when we have a baby, which room would be the baby's room?"  It's not a made up story, but I think she is setting up a hypothetical scenario to test my reaction and test my feelings/commitment for her.  Basically - loaded questions based on hypothetical scenarios that are really not realistic at this point.

[Clearmind]

Validation is a useful tool and yes can be hard when you don't feel empathetic at the time.

A response along the lines of "I'm sure that is a really tough decision. I would feel the same. I would sure miss you if you were to move for work. Is there something I can help you with to make a decision".

Borderlines and anyone for that matter seek validation - no point being dismissive - try being supportive regardless of motive and he may quit with the false stories. He could be fishing for validation/support. Not the most mature way to seek it but if does have BPD its more understandable.

Boundaries are a must - good job.