Reflecting back: I may have been "done in" while sleeping. Maybe kids, too

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sounds dramatic and all ... . but reflecting back at things, ... I may have actually saved my children's lives as well as my own life, ... as I remember so many times my wife getting up in the middle of the night and crying,... . then going into her temper mode... .

I think that if I would have stayed (on the premise of the wedding vows:  "in sickness and in health" that my ex could have easily slit my throat and/or my children's as we slept. She certainly had her occasional "thing" with the kitchen drawer knives, ... in terms of scaring us.

I am, in a way, validating myself and my reasons for leaving. It sure has been quiet and non-voilent since NC and me having full custody of the kids. 

Also, ... . my teenagers have really had no contact with their mom, too, which kinda weirds me out. Isn't a mother be in a position of wanting to mother for the rest of her life? My ex was such a great mom when the kids were ... . well, ... kids.  It seems once that they had a "voice" of their own, ... then my ex's troubles started.

[ogopogodude]

Sounds dramatic and all ... . but reflecting back at things, ... I may have actually saved my children's lives as well as my own life, ... as I remember so many times my wife getting up in the middle of the night and crying,... . then going into her temper mode... .

I think that if I would have stayed (on the premise of the wedding vows:  "in sickness and in health" that my ex could have easily slit my throat and/or my children's as we slept. She certainly had her occasional "thing" with the kitchen drawer knives, ... in terms of scaring us.

I am, in a way, validating myself and my reasons for leaving. It sure has been quiet and non-voilent since NC and me having full custody of the kids. 

Also, ... . my teenagers have really had no contact with their mom, too, which kinda weirds me out. Isn't a mother be in a position of wanting to mother for the rest of her life? My ex was such a great mom when the kids were ... . well, ... kids.  It seems once that they had a "voice" of their own, ... then my ex's troubles started.

[ugghh]

Thanks for sharing.  Yea, my stbx had a couple of those incidents, one with a meat fork at my daughter and one with kitchen knife at me.

I moved out over 90 days ago now and yes the peacefulness is very nice.   D20 is off at college, S16 lives with me full time and S18 goes back and forth between stbx and me out of loyalty.  My counselor says I just brought up a very nice, sensitive kid who does not want to leave his mom high and try.  Other 2 kids go between no contact and very low contact.

My experience parallels yours as well.  When kids were little and worshiped the queen all was good.  As they got older and figured her out, it turned into a game of manipulation.  Even the son who still sees her has figured out that everything start with how it affects her first, he just takes it for what it is.

When my uBPDw went into her crying, full victim mode my D20 would describe it as being "waifed."   

Nowadays I just do what I have always done.  Take care of my kids and live life - I just do it with a lot less FOG.

[ogopogodude]

Just for the purpose of validating my own actions, etc, ... I literally just finished watching one of the dozens of  out -of-control temper rage episodes of my (ex)wife as I was driving (so the sound was on bluetooth in my car). Boy, ... what a f***g Beaaaatch she was when she was beating me and my kids. How did I have such self-control? The average man (& I certainly am NOT the average man, ... as I have patience galore), ... . would have beat the living crap out of her ... . & would not have put up with the stuff I did. She is/was a criminal.

[woodsposse]

Isn't a mother be in a position of wanting to mother for the rest of her life?

Nope.  And if you look back on it - I'm POSTIVE you will find she wasn't that great of a mom when they were kids.

My first wife did the exact same thing. 

When I first left (for good), I didn't have any problems with leaving the children with her.  I thought the problems were just between her and I.  It never even occurred to me that there could be some PD at work.  But later down the road when I finally got custody of my kids... . the full extent of what this monster did to my children came to light.

And I am being kind when I say she was a monster.  Yes, she may be disordered - but she is a vile monster and the things she did to my children were horrendous.  I knew going into court I was up for a lot of mudslinging and false accusations - I didn't care so as long as my children were safe.

After I got custody - she didn't bother to go out of her way for over 10 years to see them (and of course she blamed me for that).  To this very day she blames me for it.  Trust me, that doesn't bother me anymore since I know it is not the truth and my children, at least, know that is the truth as well.

No, this woman only wanted the children to serve her needs.  And when they got old enough to assert their need for needs - they were a bother and they were abused and neglected. 

My only regret is that after about a year of getting custody, I stopped taking us all to therapy.  I took us to Family therapy (me, the kids and my new wife)... . my older two were in their own sessions at another therapist... . and my baby girl was in one on her own.  My wife, I thought, was going to her own (but as I found out later she voluntarily stopped going).

My kids are EFFed up.  My wife (soon to be ex) is messed up from her own childhood.  and I went through years thinking I was going crazy.

This disorder is a beast!

[ogopogodude]

In my situation, ... . i would like to 'think' that my ex-wife was a good mother, ... maybe I should put it a different way: in the earlier years when they were toddlers and just kids, ... there was no screaming and yelling and chasing us around with knives... . i.e. the violence wasn't present at that time.

But I certainly find it interesting how you used the word 'monster' in your post .

This is exactly what I described my ex when she was in rages. She really was a monster.

And I don't have as much empathy as others when they talk about how horrible it must be to be a BPD-afflicted person and how their emotions are soo exaggerated why beyond the scale of 1--10 that us non-BPD's have.

It is my opinion that if they can walk on the sidewalk, ... . charge things on the credit card, ... . drive a car, ... etc... . then that BPD-afflicted person can dammmmm well make a series of appointments to the therapist to get rid of their temper etc... .


And when the BPD-afflicted person cannot even acknowledge that they have a problem, ... . then THAT really gets to me... . I, mean, ... . I have the smoking gun as evidence (meaning I have videos and audios of her rages-in-action) and she and her family (also temper-ridden) STILL DENY that a problem exists, ... . this really burns my azz.

[ForeverDad]

It has often been noted that pwBPD do better with smaller children, the children are more dependent and really don't get to make their own decisions.  But as children get older, the gradually growing need to increasing independence can cause problems with the parenting, especially if the kids aren't compliant and appeasing.  Control issues, among other things.

[ogopogodude]

yep, ... what you said, ForeverDad, ... it is a control-issue thing... .

[woodsposse]

It has often been noted that pwBPD do better with smaller children, the children are more dependent and really don't get to make their own decisions.  But as children get older, the gradually growing need to increasing independence can cause problems with the parenting, especially if the kids aren't compliant and appeasing.  Control issues, among other things.

Been there done that.  Watched it happen with my own eyes.

[Turkish]

It has often been noted that pwBPD do better with smaller children, the children are more dependent and really don't get to make their own decisions.  But as children get older, the gradually growing need to increasing independence can cause problems with the parenting, especially if the kids aren't compliant and appeasing.  Control issues, among other things.

Been there done that.  Watched it happen with my own eyes.

That was my childhood. My mom was mostly loving... . until I started becoming a man.

I was sent to therapy at 13 by my mom (later diagnosed with Depression, she exnibits some BPD traits, too, in retrospect, but is not "full-blown" BPD). It was supposed to be family therapy, but my mom, who worked nights, jumped all over me in our first session when I was honest. The T didn't do anything to fix that. I knew how it would go then... . Afterwards, I was taken to about 8 more sessions, while my mom used the excuse of sleep deprivation to nap in the car. 25 years later, my mom finally told me that the T thought I was one of the most well-adjusted young men he'd ever met. But I wasn't totally honest with him about how my mom was, I just talked about me. I knew that most of it would get back to my mom and there would be repercussions. A year later or so, I even dropped and had a seizure due to her mental and physical abuse of me which had been coming to a head for months. Even now, this is the only time that my mom says that she may have crossed a line. Only after I moved out and she had a complete mental breakdown and got into therapy was I validated that she was 90% of the problem. Other than some pyro tendencies, I was a pretty good kid, easy to raise.

Fast forward 29 years, and my uBPDx abandoned me to couples' therapy after one session as well. The difference between being a boy and a man is that this time, I was completely honest and let the emotions flow. I realize now that this wasn't for us, but for me. let the mother of my children think what she thinks. And my mom even now, though we have a decent r/s, think what she thinks. Knowing what is probably coming from my high functioning uBPDx, I have the tools and the will to look after our children as they get older and more independent. D22 mos is very strong-willed, and I think her mom may have the most trouble with her later.

[PinkieV]

My DH's uBPDxw called last Thursday and completely messed with SS13's head - from two states and a work release away.

SS13's older brother swam and played water polo throughout high school, so naturally SS13, who idolizes him, wants to do so as well.  We got him into a YMCA program, and he's coming along really well.

BM started grilling him about swimming and DH could hear him protesting "but I am getting faster, I am doing better" over and over again.  He doesn't want to go to swim practice this week, and he was too frightened to tell her, over the phone, that he wants to stay here with us.  It broke my heart to see the look on his face.

Yet BM had the gall to suggest to the judge during the settlement conference on Tuesday that DH and I are influencing SS13 against her.  The judge told us "he'd like to see Noah kept out of the middle of this".  Because we live two states away and it was just a settlement conference, we attended by phone.  That will not happen again.  We will be right there in the courtroom fighting back and making sure she doesn't finish completely f#%$*@g up her own son.

I CANNOT fathom what kind of person will do this to their own child.  You're completely correct, they are MONSTERS.

[whirlpoollife]

O/dude, I understand the feeling there. From what I read about sociopathic PD, my x2bh has those traits too.  I'm 99.9% sure he put sleeping pills in my milk and water. I had a refillable water bottle and he brought it too me which was highly out of the ordinary. I drank the water. He sat by me staring at me the rest of the evening with a smirk. I got dizzy and fell asleep.  Another time he called me to the kitchen and had milk poured, again he didn't do that ever. I didn't drink it cause I caught on to what was going on.  I was up first in the morning, I pretended to have opened a new milk but gave him the glass I didn't drink.  In about an hour he was napping.

I had to be very careful of food and drink intake. I hid my vitamins. paranoia but I had a reason. I didn't and do not have that paranoia with anyone else.    He was someone who could kill me while smiling and be believed later that he was a grieving husband.

[ogopogodude]

O/dude, I understand the feeling there. From what I read about sociopathic PD, my x2bh has those traits too.  I'm 99.9% sure he put sleeping pills in my milk and water. I had a refillable water bottle and he brought it too me which was highly out of the ordinary. I drank the water. He sat by me staring at me the rest of the evening with a smirk. I got dizzy and fell asleep.  Another time he called me to the kitchen and had milk poured, again he didn't do that ever. I didn't drink it cause I caught on to what was going on.  I was up first in the morning, I pretended to have opened a new milk but gave him the glass I didn't drink.  In about an hour he was napping.

I had to be very careful of food and drink intake. I hid my vitamins. paranoia but I had a reason. I didn't and do not have that paranoia with anyone else.    He was someone who could kill me while smiling and be believed later that he was a grieving husband.

WOW,... that is just awful. The intentional poisoning, and this is what you just described, is seemingly criminal in nature.  How could a person do that to another person.