Anyone else's BPD SO addicted to sex, food or the internet?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Mine's got issues with all 3... . found out a year ago he was addicted to porn (supposedly has stopped but ONLY because I installed filters on his devices and home computers after he did it again), he eats connnnnnnstantly and acts shocked/pissed off when he suddenly gains 10 pounds (he's in the obese category already and weighs himself daily 'cause he's always on a new diet), and he can spend countless hours on his fantasy-future-purchases like muscle cars, metal detectors or looking at celebrity gossip, and random useless crap I then have to listen to tr get raged at for "not having shared interests). He goes from one computer to his iPhone, then to the bathroom where he brings his phone for at least 30 minutes, then back out to sit in front of MY computer, usually with food.

Anyone else... . and how do you deal with it?

[MyGreatEscape]

Mine's got issues with all 3... . found out a year ago he was addicted to porn (supposedly has stopped but ONLY because I installed filters on his devices and home computers after he did it again), he eats connnnnnnstantly and acts shocked/pissed off when he suddenly gains 10 pounds (he's in the obese category already and weighs himself daily 'cause he's always on a new diet), and he can spend countless hours on his fantasy-future-purchases like muscle cars, metal detectors or looking at celebrity gossip, and random useless crap I then have to listen to tr get raged at for "not having shared interests). He goes from one computer to his iPhone, then to the bathroom where he brings his phone for at least 30 minutes, then back out to sit in front of MY computer, usually with food.

Anyone else... . and how do you deal with it?

[maxsterling]

Addiction is something that a non-addict can't really understand.  It's not about the substance or the action the person is addicted to.  It's about the addict needing something to avoid being alone with their own brain.  And often when they quit one, they pick up another.   

My girlfriend is an addict.  In her youth, it was drugs, travelling, sex and money.  The drugs nearly killed her and she eventually gained sobriety.  But since then, she's obviously filled that void with sex and food.  It's also a method of self-harming.  Self harming is also about wanting to feel something else than their own emotions.  So, she doesn't want to face her miserable life, so she sleeps around - it makes her not have to think. Same goes with food.  Better to feel full than depressed. 

My worry is that nothing has changed since she is with me.  Sure, she isn't sleeping around, cutting, or doing drugs, but she is definitely eating and overspending in order to avoid emotions.  And I also think she also uses me like a drug, that I am filling that same void that Heroin once filled for her.  The self-destructive behavior is still there, waiting for its next outlet. 

[MyGreatEscape]

Wow, Maxsterling, I am sorry to hear that. I guess the addictions go along with this illness... . they always feel empty and definitely don't want to be alone with their thoughts, for sure.

So how do YOU cope with her addictions and feeling like you are being used? I feel the same way so often and put my foot down, only to be raged at... . being silent does no good and pointing out the obvious causes more rage... . just looking for how others deal with this... . so interesting and alarming at the same time... .

[GN]

Hello all,

My sister is also addicted to food, sex (men) and the internet... . She eats all day long (literally emptying the fridge) and is suffering from bulimia. She spends hours on facebook and online stores instead of looking after her toddler and can't ever not be single, she jumps from one relationship into the other... .

[maxsterling]

How do I cope?  I don't.  I have issues with this, because this is an issue that could eventually hurt me.  Especially the sex thing.  Sometimes it interferes with my ability to feel intimate, partly because it interferes with her ability to feel intimate (she feels ashamed), but also because she has used this to hurt me, and because sometimes I feel insecure in that since she has basically used men in the past to calm her brain, how do I know she is not using me?  How do I know I am special to her?  I think most of us want our sexual experiences to be special in some way.  This is probably a conversation I need to have with her sometime, but she has a lot of trauma associated with sex, and ANY kind of talk in this regard puts her in a real bad place.  Plus, it opens the door for her to abuse or insult me over this subject again. 

The addiction/self harm issue is the biggest reason I am on the undecided board and not the staying board.  I really don't know if I can learn to be okay with this and feel comfortable.  If she is still doing things to harm herself, such as overeating, how do I know the cutting, the drug use, or the promiscuity won't come back?  Any of those are deal breakers for me. 

[Turkish]

Sex, kind of. It was like a demand most of the time, so I was turned off by it, no matter that she is a beautiful woman (the constant Queen tendencies and verbal and emotional abuse didn't help).

Shopping for clothes on the internet? Yes. Definitely. Food? She has a borderline eating disorder (no pun intended... . or maybe), in that she was obsessed with losing literally a few pounds off of her frame after the second kid. I never, ever gave her a hard time about her body (who I am to talk?). She's so petite, but she is almost unhealthily thin.

I hope she doesn't pass this lack of self image down to our daughter... . The most significant, however, is that she is a classic Love Addict. Addicted to being "in luv" as I call it. Hence her leaving me after the realities of having a second child and a home (you know, the hallmarks of a mature r/s) got to be too much for her. So she chased a fairy tale with a younger guy who is grossly immature even for his age. That's them: the perfect match. He might be a luv addict as well from the little I could tell. Those crazy kids!

[maxsterling]

So how do YOU cope with her addictions and feeling like you are being used? I feel the same way so often and put my foot down, only to be raged at... . being silent does no good and pointing out the obvious causes more rage... .

Here's an example, maybe a bit TMI but perhaps it may help.  My GF was obsessed with having a baby before I met her.  She was pregnant from a risky relationship a year prior to me meeting her, and had an abortion.  I've got suspicions about that relationship and her role in the process, but in typical BPD fashion she holds that with her and can't let go, and blames others.  She told me after the abortion, she became obsessed with having a baby, to the point of contacting fertility clinics to find a sperm donor, considering sleeping around to try and get pregnant again (she says she stopped herself from doing this, but I am guessing that since the thought crossed her mind she actually did this), she said she asked a gay friend of hers to be a sperm donor.  So, when two months into the r/s, she started complaining about me using condoms and refusing to go on birth control, I felt used.  I mean, every time we had sex she complained about the condom.  BIG turn off.  And she would go on and on about how she does not want to go on the pill again.  If it wasn't a direct complaint, then it was that "sigh" when I reached for a condom.  

One night during a road trip she made a remark about the condom.  The next night, she did the same thing, and when I got turned off and basically impotent, she said, "I see, you don't love me anymore."  Not knowing anything about BPD at the time, I JADEd, and probably made the situation worse.  the next day in the car, she seemed to be in a good mood.  And at one point she was going on and on about babies (as is typical).  I can't remember the original subject of the conversation, but at some point I interjected and asked her if I was infertile, would she still want to be with me.  She responded and asked if I was infertile, and then said that she would still want to have a baby with a donor, and then asked why I asked.  I responded in the kindest manner I knew how that with her constant talk about having a baby and a negative comment about birth control every time we have sex, and the "you don't love me" comment, that I felt used and wondered if a big part of her motivation in being with me was simply to have a child.  

Of course, she exploded in rage for hours.  And the rest of the trip, she was cold and distant.  She doesn't complain about the condoms as much anymore, but she still does sometimes.  Still won't use birth control.  Still wants me to discuss baby names with her (but not as much).  She even recently brought up that past incident on the road trip.  I'm still very hurt over that, as it feels unresolved and I still feel used sometimes.  Her recent comment pretty much denied any responsibility on her end: "Remember when you accused me of trying to intentionally get pregnant?  You don't feel that way anymore, do you?"  Those statements pretty much invalidated how hurt I felt then, and all the hurt came back.  The reality is, I feel like I was and am sexually manipulated by her.

[MyGreatEscape]

WOW, these people are doozies. Maxsterling, I don't know how old you are or if you even want children one day... . but if you don't, perhaps consider a vasectomy?

I had sorta the opposite-ish issue with a tweak... . we were trying to get pregnant (for YEARS) and he would get alllllll teary-eyed every single freakin' month nothing happened... . so we start looking into fertility treatments, he watched me go through (months of) numerous PAINFUL procedures, and they find nothing wrong with me. Turns out... . he was addicted to porn and basically had no swimmers left to even make a baby. (jeeez)

Now, I am back in school and OVER IT... . I do NOT want to get pregnant EVER (I already have kids from a previous R/S and am 40 now), and asked him to get a vasectomy. So far, nope... . he has made one phone call but no procedure yet... . and we are not using anything... . he doesn't want to use condoms and keeps dodging the inevitable... . he's just "so stressed out" ya know! He has a "counseling call" on the 13th for the procedure... . and with everything else going on at the moment, if he doesn't go through with this, I will be gone for sure this time.

[lemon flower]

and so the topic went from the sex-and-other-addictions to babies ... .

the relationship with my BPD-ex only lasted 6 months but during that time we managed to get pregnant twice , but I got miscarriages due to the huge amount of internal stress I suffered from (I didn't know anything about BPD at that time but I deed feel that something was seriously wrong) and knowing what I know now, I'm glad we didn't get a baby together !

my ex still cries about it now, but mostly because it feels like a failure to him I think, anyway... . sometimes life does fix things in its own way; and for the best!

about the other addictions:

internet and gaming: check!

alcohol: check!

other drugs: check!

food: only when he's stoned and feeling comfortable, usely he doesn't eat anything at all, but when he eats: it is overeating and totally unhealthy, as in: eating only meat, candiebars and cheese

overspending: check!

driving too fast: oh yes! luckily he lost his license recently; at least one problem less.

sex: definitely !

porn: ofcourse  

the guy is a walking addiction... .  

[hergestridge]

My BPD wife overdoes the shopping. Everything she ever does (cooking, cleaning, playing with daughter) turns into a "project", and every "project" requires that someone is sent of to the store with a shopping list. If she's home from work she gets bored and then she calls me at work and ask me to write down things we "have to buy". We would not have to buy any of the things on the list if she hadn't been home from work. She knows that this will start a fight every time and that I will question if those things are necessary to buy and she will call me killjoy. It's not fancy clothes. She overspends on food and laundry detergent because she likes paying money for stuff! It's compulsory. It's addiction.

I've thought a lot about it and I don't even know if it's the shopping that is important. I think it's planning and thinking about buying stuff that is the thrill.

This is something I object to because it affects me and my economy.

Apart from that I think she's got any unhealthy relationship to both food and alcohol, but I think she does her best to control it.

She can down both two and three glasses of wine very quickly and fall asleep, and pretty much our friday night. I don't drink at all and I told her that we don't have to have wine at home for my sake. This has made her very uncomfortable. She calls me on fridays to make sure that I buy home some wine and she's visibly nervous about facing a weekend without wine (in the country where we live there is no liquour available in stores at weekends).

Generally, she's the type who does too much of a thing for a year or two and then stops dead. Ten years ago she played the same game more or less 24/7 for a couple of years. Now she goes through a phase where she watches downloaded TV shows 2 hours every night, which becomes almost inapropriate because once we put our daughter to bed I don't get to talk to my wife at all. And forget about sex.

But it's stuff like that you have to explain to her, and I'm just so fed up with it all... .

[btechpc]

My uBPDgf is addicted to the following:

- marijuana poppers (weed & tobacco) smoked in a pipe

She needs these every day to function. Smokes them constantly. It's so bad that it's affecting her health and she coughs life a 75yr old smoker. If she doesn't have these she gets very agitated and sick. Can we say addict?

- spends like crazy!

She spends money like crazy. She's gone from DVD series, lotto scratch cards, housewares and her newest addition... . Plants! She also buys a ridiculous amount of stuff on amazon. Usually getting a package every day.

- sex

If she doesn't get it every day she's mad. I've had a fever and been so sick I could barely stand up... . Yet I had to perform. It's not just regular sex either... . It's gotta be rough and degrading to her. The more I abuse her body and 'punish' her the more she likes it. Sounds great until you go to swimming pool with your kid and everyone stares at you because her body is bruised everywhere. Her response... . Fck them, it feels soo good. Very very awkward. Actually had an incident  this week where I actually felt bad about how rough I was and she said to be rougher and aggressive. I felt sad inside... . I don't want to hurt her but she requires it to get off.

If I question her about anything related to these or

Try and talk to her about it she rages. The one that she rages the most about is the drugs. She's says she needs them to handle stress. This is the one that scares me the most.

[MyGreatEscape]

My god... . to everyone who replied... . and thank you for doing so.

HOW do they not see how absolutely insane this all is?

I've been being raged at for three days straight now. I have the big D papers printed out and he is in another room.

Can we just form a commune somewhere with high stone walls and get the eff away from these people... . forever?

I'm so exhausted.

[MissyM]

The original question, how do I deal with my BPDs addictions.  My dBPDh  has sex, drug, technology, work, and food (sometimes) addictions.  I go to Al-anon and COSA (for spouses of sex addicts).  This helps me realize that his addictions are about him and when he works recovery, then he does o.k.  I cannot do anything to stop him from his addictions, or any of his behavior.  I am powerless over him.  If I had any control, he would have a strong recovery, be a model and loving husband, father, citizen.   For a BPD to recover from addictions is tough, they have to work on the addictions and the causes.  Since medicating himself from his feelings is what the addictions are, that is hard for him to just stop.  He stops and does just enough work for the pain to subside a little, then he quits working on recovery and therapy.  Mainly because the bad feelings have to be felt and dealt with, to get to the other side.  He absolutely does not want to do that, the irony is that he then drowns in bad feelings.  Which then leads to him acting out in some way and he feels even worse than before.  I see what he does but cannot do anything to stop him.  Sadly, has to be the addicts own choice. 

Oddly, I am feeling more and more at peace.  There is a saying from A-Anon, Get off your partners back, get out of their way, and get on with your life.  I have been getting on with my life.   This greatly upsets my dBPDh but that is to be expected.  I deserve to be healthy, happy and free.

[HealingForMe]

I deserve to be healthy, happy and free.

Perfectly said!

My exBPDgf kinda had the opposite prob with sex, she was serially abused as a child so sex can be emotionally painful for her. She has other addictions though, until recently cannabis, but still xanax & alcohol. The alcohol is the really serious one. For about a month not long before our breakup she basically substituted alcohol for food. She was lucky to eat a slice of toast all day but would go through 2 or 3 4L casks of wine per week. Thats averaging approx 2 bottles per night, not incl beer & spirits. She started getting severe stomach pains & other symptoms.

The worst was she still wanted to have sex but as it was so emotionally painful to her she had to get drunk first (although I kept trying to get her not to... . it made me feel cheap as if the only time she could have sex with me was when she was drinking) & would then blame me in the morning for it. I knew what she was doing, transferring the responsibility onto me so she could have sex then feel guilt free like it was "my fault".

Eventually we mostly stopped having sex at all. Esp when an accusation was made that this was rape (being drunk she cant give informed consent), despite the fact that it was her making all the moves & I was doing my best to resist. But she wouldnt take no for an answer & as we all know pwBPD can be very persuasive, so there were times I gave in. So now she calls me a rapist to anyone who will listen & I get threats from some of those people!  :'(

[Seneca]

Alcohol, off and on for 15 years

Food, always

Sex, used to before the SSRIs

Internet, oh lordy. If he ain't workin or sleepin or hanging with us, he is on the web and enjoying a mixing bowl full of cereal. Checkin stock quotes, reading about politics and sports.

But i can't judge, because i get hyperfocused on things to avoid life. I have struggled with binge eating my whole life. I get super into hobbies, jobs, or projects and then eat, sleep and breathe them. Besides the food, i feel they are all healthy and productive things, but i know on some level i do it because reality is so g-dang painful i can't face it.

[lemon flower]

about internet, gaming, and television I think this "addiction" came out of the intense feeling of emptyness and boredom that comes with BPD, they need distraction constantly, my ex could not just sit at the table and enjoy the meal  with me, the tv had to be on and when I refused that he took a newspaper 

but then again, there are lots of non-Bp's who do the same don't they ? it became part of our western culture in which silence and reflecting has become something weird and "boring", look at trains, in restaurants or busstops, litterally everyone is constantly checking his smartphone, I hate that !

anyway, I have my home back to myself now, and I feel so relieved to have the peace back, no sound but the snoring of my cats 

[hergestridge]

I prefer to eat by the TV. That's not because I'm a TV addict, but because my BPD wife uses dinnertime to dysregulate all over me and our daughter. I get crap for not being social enough and the four year old gets told off having bad table manners (duh... . ).

My BPD wife feels entitled to a seated dinner with her family at a table. That's what families do apparently.

She propably thinks I'm addicted to this and that but it's just difficult to do things normally around her.

[MyGreatEscape]

So... . in a nutshell... . we find ourselves in relationships with people who were most likely tiny victims of childhood abuse of some sort (so horrible and disgusting and I wish the abusers could seriously be publicly stoned to death, painfully... . slowly).

THEN, in some way, our SO's start the cycle again... . with us... . with any kids we have... . and we watch them drown their feelings in food, internet, sex... . lashing out... . or we start to do it as well... . to avoid our realities... . but we excuse OUR avoidance, because THEY are the cause... . like their abusers are the cause of their acts of avoidance.

In some way, we are all avoiding reality, when it's the one thing we should be facing head-on, painful as it may be... . and dealing with whatever aftermath the truth sheds light on.

I don't have any addictions, never have... . but I have started avoiding my own feelings... . due to knowing that mine are never validated here, in my reality with my BPD husband... .

This hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when I was telling him that I have become numb and can't even feel my usual faerie-like fascination with all the things that usual keep me upbeat.

I'm that annoying person that is distracted by butterflies, sparkly things, babies, and can find the silver lining in any situation... . because I have always believed things happen for a reason, everything is a lesson, there are signs everywhere, and that we should be present and enjoy every moment we have. But, I've felt dull and not like myself at all anymore... . and I will not stand for that one more second now that I... . DUH... . recognized this. I feel kinda dumb even saying that.

I've let him change me. I complain about him and his behavior, mean, hurtful and INSANE as it is... . but I let him CHANGE ME because of HIM? What the heck am I doing and how the hell did I become so oblivious to this?

[HealingForMe]

This hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when I was telling him that I have become numb and can't even feel my usual faerie-like fascination with all the things that usual keep me upbeat.

A line from Evanescence Made of Stone... . www.lyrics.com/made-of-stone-lyrics-evanescence.html

"And now that I've tried everything

I'll numb the pain,

'Til I am made of stone"

I think thats what we all do... .

I'm that annoying person that is distracted by butterflies, sparkly things, babies, and can find the silver lining in any situation... . because I have always believed things happen for a reason, everything is a lesson, there are signs everywhere, and that we should be present and enjoy every moment we have.

Lol, keep enjoying the butterflies! 

Can I suggest a trip to your local zoo's butterfly exhibit? It might help 

I've let him change me. I complain about him and his behavior, mean, hurtful and INSANE as it is... . but I let him CHANGE ME because of HIM? What the heck am I doing and how the hell did I become so oblivious to this?

OK, dont blame yourself, we all do whatever we can to survive in these difficult r/s's. Perhaps its time for some serious boundary setting & enforcement. Dont forget if you do set boundaries, letting him get away with breaking one even once will reinforce his behaviour & teach him to escalate the behaviour due to "intermittent reinforcement"

Good luck, never stop believing in yourself & stay strong 

[empathic]

... . In some way, we are all avoiding reality, when it's the one thing we should be facing head-on, painful as it may be... . and dealing with whatever aftermath the truth sheds light on.

I don't have any addictions, never have... . but I have started avoiding my own feelings... . due to knowing that mine are never validated here, in my reality with my BPD husband... .

This hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when I was telling him that I have become numb and can't even feel my usual faerie-like fascination with all the things that usual keep me upbeat.

I'm that annoying person that is distracted by butterflies, sparkly things, babies, and can find the silver lining in any situation... . because I have always believed things happen for a reason, everything is a lesson, there are signs everywhere, and that we should be present and enjoy every moment we have. But, I've felt dull and not like myself at all anymore... . and I will not stand for that one more second now that I... . DUH... . recognized this. I feel kinda dumb even saying that.

I've let him change me. I complain about him and his behavior, mean, hurtful and INSANE as it is... . but I let him CHANGE ME because of HIM? What the heck am I doing and how the hell did I become so oblivious to this?

I feel the same way. I'm a shell of what I used to be. My wife wants everything to be called out on what it is (goes along with her negativity). Great way to take away the "magic" of things. I've had to adapt to this of course. She has told me later that when we had our first kid and she thought life was very difficult, she was baffled about me one day saying "oh what a beautiful morning" when it had snowed during the night and I looked out the window. She wants to dwell on the negativity, just like her brother, so comments like mine are not taken well.

[hergestridge]

They don't get "magic" because they're not receptive to that.

I feel the same way. I'm a shell of what I used to be. My wife wants everything to be called out on what it is (goes along with her negativity). Great way to take away the "magic" of things. I've had to adapt to this of course. She has told me later that when we had our first kid and she thought life was very difficult, she was baffled about me one day saying "oh what a beautiful morning" when it had snowed during the night and I looked out the window. She wants to dwell on the negativity, just like her brother, so comments like mine are not taken well.

[empathic]

True. I should clarify that it affects other areas as well, which would not be considered "magic". We had dinner at the house of another couple, and they served a dish they were very proud of. The kids had been talking about it before, about how good it was. My wife tells me afterwards "So it's meat and potatoes. Big deal."

It's like she fails to see the big picture, that something can be bigger than the parts it consists of. And she's also triggered by seeing it as a form of competition, that we must serve an even better dish when they visit us. To me this behaviour is draining. It takes away the fun of things, and distances us from people I consider friends.

[MyGreatEscape]

Wow, Empathic... . gotta scratch our heads (or feel sorry for them... . ?) when a person can't look at stark white, crystalline snow and NOT think it's awesome. From your moniker, methinks you see lots of things and feel that. Funny how negative people have to be "dazzled" with grand gestures (and even then, sometimes they STILL aren't!)... . when there really IS "magic" in a whoole lotta stuff everywhere.

Yesterday dropping off one of the kids to a sport thing, I had a damn magical time in the car 'cause they were playing 80's music on the radio... . sang along with the "old" Madonna when she had her trashy accent (before she became british somehow... . ... . ). Then I had a magical time hiding behind the pantry door and scaring the daylights outta our 6 year old, who then cried, and got all grumpy... . and I teased him that he was just mad he didn't get ME this time! HA!

I'm enjoying a freakin' magical cup of coffee right now too. And, I am having a magical time listening to these hilarious birds outside that sound like a parade!

Try not to let her steal your joy... . easier said than done... . I obviously know! It's way too easy to slip into numbness when we have these killjoys trying to flip our cup over to slap the verrrrrry last drop out!

[MissyM]

Try not to let her steal your joy... . easier said than done... . I obviously know! It's way too easy to slip into numbness when we have these killjoys trying to flip our cup over to slap the verrrrrry last drop out!

Very well said!  My dBPDh is furious that I am happy and the kids are happy.  If we won't join him in his misery, then we don't care.  Can't tie my happiness to someone that is a BPD addict.

[empathic]

Yes, I also try to truly enjoy those moments, listening to music while driving to work etc. Spending as much time as possible with the kids. Still have work to do on holding on to that when my wife is at home. She can easily kill the joy with her negativity right now.

[lemon flower]

I'm that annoying person that is distracted by butterflies, sparkly things, babies, and can find the silver lining in any situation... . because I have always believed things happen for a reason, everything is a lesson, there are signs everywhere, and that we should be present and enjoy every moment we have. But, I've felt dull and not like myself at all anymore... . and I will not stand for that one more second now that I... . DUH... . recognized this. I feel kinda dumb even saying that.

I've let him change me. I complain about him and his behavior, mean, hurtful and INSANE as it is... . but I let him CHANGE ME because of HIM? What the heck am I doing and how the hell did I become so oblivious to this?

same here... . butterfly girl  

don't change your believes, things DO happen for a reason, and your relationship is a lesson!

I'm sorry to hear  that you got stuck so deep in his negativity, you can't let that happen. If leaving him immediately is not an option then at least could you stand firm in obtaining your own personal space and enough time for yourself and the children ?

If he's gonna fight about then so be it, just let him and try to explain later (prepare yourself beforehand about WHAT and HOW you will talk to him, one of the biggest lessons I learned is that we hugely misinterprete their capacity of understanding us, we need to peep into their head once in a while and learn to speak their language since they really are mentally disordered, especially when their emotions, fears, angers,... dominate their rational part)

euhm, I hope this makes sence ?, sometimes I get struck in my own argumentation since my english isn't always sufficient enough  

in this period you are both struck in the negative spiral and you're both suffering from it, is there maybe a third person who could speak to him in a friendly way ?

[hergestridge]

I see beauty in many things and I can sit around just watch things enjoy that, especially if I'm with my daughter (now four). My wife - being the kind of person she is - is not like that at all. She has trouble "hanging" with our daughter. My wife has two modes with the daughter. Either it's a full-on sensory-overload playtime activity or she's ignoring the girl altogether (in a way that she obviously finds disturbing).

I pick up my daughter from daycare every day and often I take an hour off when we either drive out in the woods and play or  go down to the mall for a snack just watching people. We just relax and have a great time. This is BPD-free time. No nagging, no shouting, no guilt trips or hidden agendas... . no planning for tommorow.

I have discovered that my daughter sees the same things that I see. She hears the winds in the trees, the joys of the forest, the smells and sounds of the city, the beauty of it all... . it gives me hope for the future.

[HealingForMe]

I pick up my daughter from daycare every day and often I take an hour off when we either drive out in the woods and play or  go down to the mall for a snack just watching people. We just relax and have a great time. This is BPD-free time. No nagging, no shouting, no guilt trips or hidden agendas... . no planning for tommorow.

I have discovered that my daughter sees the same things that I see. She hears the winds in the trees, the joys of the forest, the smells and sounds of the city, the beauty of it all... . it gives me hope for the future.

Thats very nice, I'm so glad you guys do this 

[maxsterling]

Very well said!  My dBPDh is furious that I am happy and the kids are happy.  If we won't join him in his misery, then we don't care.  Can't tie my happiness to someone that is a BPD addict.

Ha!  Same here.  I remember one morning my GF throwing her teddy bear at me because she was jealous that I was happy.  Yes, I wake up and am happy because the world didn't end and have another day to enjoy.  She wakes up and just looks for things to keep her from being bored and lonely until she goes to bed again (her words). 

[MyGreatEscape]

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me how absolutely the SAME they all are.

It always makes me wonder just WHAT, exactly, causes this? If it was environment or abuse during childhood... . would they really all behave as if they share a gene? (I should do my thesis on this!)

I was just responding to another post and it struck me that NO therapists want to deal with these people. All of the ones I have gone to because of him have flat out said they are worthless or hopeless. We have one guy right now who is seeing us (we go tomorrow) but he was a prison guard social worker, so he is way thicker-skinned... . but even he has told me that he will only try for so long because BPD people do NOT get better... . ever. The guy has actually TOLD ME that if I can, stick it out to finish my degree so I can support the kids... . then LEAVE. He said in his 30 years of doing this, not one has ever gotten any better... . that the ONLY calming effect he has seen has been old age or meds... . but that BPD people generally refuse to stay on them even if you get them on one to begin with.

We aren't dealing with good odds here.

So again, in my fantasyland... . we all form a commune, full of butterflies, fishing holes, and PEACE... . the only noise will be buzzing bees and the wind through the trees... . and LAUGHTER... . we all meet up and wall ourselves in. The End.