How do I help BPD dd handle money without her seeing it as criticising her.

[somuchlove]

Long time since i have been here.  Have tried to catch up on some of the topics.  What a wonderful wonderful group of people that are here.  I don't think I can ever express that enough. 

My question is, now that my BPD daughter has moved away from all the stress and the place she hated so much to live has made a huge difference for her.  Her ex moved with the 2 kids as well and they are back in their beloved state, and 7 hrs from us.  Thank goodness no more plan trips to see them.  She has full custody of the little one from bf who had gotten so mixed up in drugs again after his 5 yrs. with her, drug free.  She said she feels like a huge huge pressure has lifted.  She is close now to her sister as well.  The kids are doing great with school and loving where they live.  Her ex. still has no money,  has no communication with his family for his move away from them.  Left a house, lots of bills, etc.  But he will probably always struggle and not give much support.  So we are paying her rent and quite a bit of her other bills.  She has found a job she loves, gotten help from the state for some food, baby sitting, etc.  She doesn't make a lot of money but we are hoping to help her regulate her money and get more on her own.  It is very hard with 3.  She doesn't spend money on silly things really but I sometimes think she could food shop a little better.  I just hate to ask her how much she is bringing home a week,  and get into the conversation, however she does use my credit card when needed.  I am not sure if she is paying some things on her own or not.  As we know how BPD people take things,  It is scary to me, but If we don't begin doing this it won't happen.  She is a so much better place in her life right now.  She found a boyfriend.  Seems to never have trouble doing that but is a very very good mother.  Seems to make really good choices, parental decisions, etc.  We are feeling so good about everything and being able to see them a lot sure helps.  She and her dad have also really redeveloped a good good relationship.  Our other daughter has said that is one thing that she has said, it is so nice that She BPD dd can finally hug dad and talk to him.   

So any ideas on how to approches this and keep our relations good like it is... . Keep her feeling strong and that we believe in her, trust her, and know she is a good person.  It has been so important for her feel she has family and realize how we have rallied around her with all she went through leaving quickly and finally getting full custody of her youngest.  It has been really really stressful.  I see less BPD but it does show it's ugly head now and then but not like it use to. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Wow! I am blown away by your post... . what a great post and I am happy to hear your dd is doing so well. Isn't it wonderful to look back and see how far she has come?

I am not sure what to say about the money issue... . I am not sure I full understand what you are saying... . are you trying to help her so she no longer needs to rely on your support financially?

How about looking into a computer program that helps with a budget... . a way for her to see what she is spenting and a way to manage her money... . You wouldn't need to discuss anything... . just offer it up as something she might find helpful? I am not sure I would come right out and try to tell her how to manage her money... . I would be care not to try and manage her in the that way... . I guess I am not sure of the real issue here... .

[somuchlove]

Yes,  we are so happy that things have really been going good.  Of course we have been conditioned to think hold on another thing will happen.  When we would just go , wow this is ok, then something else would happen.  You know, the panic the calls, the threats.  Anyone that has followed me will know.  However, it is much like the story of everyone here.  In part I want to think that I have probably mangaged much better which has helped although i still feel I jump when she says jump, inside anyway. 

What I am wonder is, how to approciat in a positive way so that dd will see it as not being critical or judging her on her money.  She could throw out the words like,  I know you think I am crap, no good, a failure, etc.  Of which she does, I feel to just make us not ask things.

I really in some way would like to know, if , since we are pay her rent and other major bills, if she can help with some of them.  Not that we want her to acount to us her money but that she has told us many times, how horrible she feels having to be supported by her parents.  Yet,  is she really trying to pay or take care of her finances. 

I just don't know how to approach her or bring it up in a way that doesn't sound acucations, etc.  She can do that so quickly. 

[peaceplease]

somuchlove,

I am glad that your dd is doing better, and that she has full custody of her youngest.   

Do you know how many hours she is working?  Has she told you her hourly wage?  Can you get enough of information from her that you can guestimate what her take home pay is? 

[MammaMia]

somuchlove

You need to have "The Money Talk".  By that, I mean your dd needs to know that your resources ARE limited and you have expenses of your own to pay.  Tell her exactly how much you spend on her a month, and let her know it cannot go on forever.

Do you give her a set amount per week?  That is an other way to force her to watch her money.

You can spare "X" amount of dollars and when it is gone you cannot give her more because you just do not have it. PwBPD tend to spend whatever you give them.  Keep re-enforcing limits.  :)o not be afraid to tell her you cannot afford to help her more.    

Praise her for responsible spending.  

Is she able to work?  If she feels bad about your financial support, tell her you understand how she feels and discuss finances.   What does she make and how does she budget it?  :)oes she do anything for you in return for the money you give her?  If she does not work full-time, perhaps she can perform some helpful services for you and consider her support as payment.

I do not know if this helps.  These are things I have done with my dBPDs.

[somuchlove]

Yes, she is working.  She only makes $10-12/hr.  she is working 6-7 hrs per day, 5-6 days.  She gets some help with babysitting costs and has health insurance from the state.  This job is seasonal, of which she has been doing really well.  In a month she will be trying to find something else.  She does have some leads.  Then come late fall she will have her job again.  I know with 3 children and know help from dad it can be tough. 

I guess I have "WALKED on eggshells? for so long that I am afraid to hold her accountable because she can be so fragile and sharp.  I am past that now and feel she does have her feet under her, not dealing with the situations she has been for the past 7 yrs.   Her siblilings are wondering when she will ever support herself and we will feel we can do more for ourselves.  WE are financially in good shape but right now my pay check goes to help her.  It is hard when you have 3 children.  2 whom are in school and a little one. 

[MammaMia]

Somuchlove

Your dd has a lot to deal with, and it actually sounds like she is handling things well.  She probably needs the additional income and is trying to contribute as best she can.   

Why is the father of her children not helping her?  Does she have full custody?