I'm her Trigger

[raytamtay3]

My DD has everyone convinced (or it appears that way anyway) that the problems she has is a family problem between her and I. That I am her only trigger and the only one she problems with and that it all stems from home and no outside interferences. And I feel like every time she says this the therapists, case workers or whomever, immediately look at me and jot it down in their notebooks. Yet, she was put on homebound instruction and given an IEP because she was constantly getting suspended from school for insobrdination to staff and problems with her peers. She cursed out the police on several occassions.  And now, she is having a problem at the shelter she's at.

I just spoke to her casworker who said that he is having a lot of problems with DD and how they are butting heads. That she keeps a very messy room (welcome to my world dude) and refuses to clean it up and blames it on her roomate. So he gave her additional chores to do as a consquence and she got irate about it. Then she refused to do an educational assignment on current events. As a consequence for that, she may not be allowed visitors this weekend.

Anyway, I just wanted to see how many of you out there "are the root" to all your child's problems in their mind. I cringe everytime she says I'm the root to her problems because he father use to tell ME my mother was the root to all the problems in my family. So I know where she got that trerm from.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[theplotthickens]

Yes, and being identified as a "trigger" only made my daughter more entitled to abuse me.  Being labeled as a "trigger" only adds to the belittling behavior - and it is one of many reasons that we found "therapy" to be most definitely UNtherapeutic.  You need a DBT or CBT therapist, not one who is always trying to "reduce stressors" and "identify triggers." 

Since we stopped doing therapy and treatment centers, my daughter's behaviors have been reduced by at least 75%!  They participate in blaming the parents for everything, and taking what the kids say at face value - it is a joke.

We do have a private DBT therapist who is fantastic.  The therapist MUST be somebody who "gets" BPD and all the associated behaviors, or they can do more harm than good.

 

[trainwreck4]

I too am the root of all evil in my dd17s world. I too see the school, therapists, social workers etc, look at me with horror. She is the master of being such a nice girl and manages to turn everything around on me, to make me look like the devil incarnate... .   I too have found once she is no longer attending therapy, most of the drama stops. With my daughter, the less people hopping up and down, the better.  I haven't posted on here in a while, but it looks like we are ramping up again. Its hard to keep your chin up when you feel like you need to defend everything you do isn't it?

[Verbena]

Anyway, I just wanted to see how many of you out there "are the root" to all your child's problems in their mind.

That would be a big, fat YES.

I couldn't possibly list all the people over the years DD28 has had major conflicts with, relationships that I had nothing to do with.  So I always wonder why anyone would believe  her when she says I am the problem.  Too many people know her history. A lot of people don't know, though, because she presents a completely different side of herself to them. 

I would not worry too much that your daughter is really fooling anyone right now.  It sounds like she is proving herself wrong anyway with her ongoing conflicts with others that you have nothing to do with. 

[hopeangel]

Yes I will add my voice here!  I am THE most annoying, irritating, triggering person she has EVER known - apart from almost everybody else she has any prolonged contact with - they are even MORE triggering and their crimes NEVER forgotten, however it is me that is always here still triggering away! 

Sometimes we have long periods where she is not so bad and then we can usually get along ok but right now is not one of those times I can do no right at the moment! 

[raytamtay3]

It just amazes me how I can be painted black one moment and then she's hugging all over me and talking up a storm the next. I'm the type of person who is very hard on themselves. I like when people are happy and I like trying to make them happy.  I'm usually the peace maker of the family.  And I know my DD has an illness, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it still bothers me. I do tell her when she tells me how much she hates me that then I must be doing my job right because I'm not her friend; I'm her mother. But I do enjoy the times when we get along and she's hugging all on me. But sometimes I question just how sincere it is or is it just a farse or more manipulation to try and get what she wants.  I hate that - not knowing.

Those moments have been few and far between but hopefully one day that too will be consistent.

[MammaMia]

Oh yes, that would be me... . Devil Mother, Spawn of Satan... . just plain EVIL!

I am the only family my dBPDs39 will have anything to do with, and he blames me for every bad decision he has ever made.  He blames me if the sun does not shine or if it snows.  This has gone on since his teens.  When he has to justify something that goes wrong, "It's Mom's fault", even if I have had zero input.  

For this reason, I have VLC with him.  If he needs something, he contacts me, but he sees any initiation on my part as aggression which threatens his manhood.   ?  

It is what it is.  I am all he has, and most days, he hates me.  It is part of the disorder.  Adult children wBPD often hate the fact they need anyone... . much less a parent.

[hopeangel]

Yes I honestly believe we do nothing wrong to trigger them, it is about them not us!

When you consider the trivial things they get mad about, for example I am not allowed to touch my face as it 'goes through her' it seems it is just their inner struggles manifesting themselves - all we can do is weather these storms by remaining calm and validating through them where possible.

These incidents are all about BPD and not about us or any of our our actions in reality, it is very much beyond our control, all we can do is try to respond appropriately and steer them through the emotions safely if possible, if not then run away fast, retreat waving white flag! 

[Kate4queen]

Don't you know that it's always the parents fault, particularly the mothers? My son demonizes both of us because we won't play the game anymore.

I fear that the child-centric nature of our society has swung too far toward the child and neglects to address the actual issues the child has by giving them endless reasons, triggers whatever you want to call them to shift the blame. And for BPD kids this is like giving alcohol to an alcoholic.

[lever.]

Unfortunately a lot of "pop" psychology blames mothers. It isn't long since mainstream psychiatry blamed mothers for schizophrenia and autism and now it is widely accepted that they are brain disorders. Our children do often blame us for their problems, its one aspect of the disorder.

What is upsetting and difficult is when the people treating our children view us with suspicion. Valerie Porr writes well about this. It is clear from reading this site that there are many committed parents making super-human efforts to help their children.

[jellibeans]

I really try not tofocus on this very much... . I don't like being put in a position of having to defend myself but my dd does see me as a trigger but I am one of many in her world.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Lever

Amen!  

People who know me and my son know what he says is not true. They do not believe or understand why he says derogatory things about me.  His claims and actions toward me clearly point to mental illness.  In fact, many of his past friends have told me they wished I was their mother.  That speaks volumes.

None-the-less, it is painful for parents to hear all the nasty rhetoric over and over.  We need to keep reminding ourselves that this disorder consumes relationships and destroys them.  It is not us, we cannot take it personally, and we cannot fix it.  Bpd has many victims, parents included.

Yes, in years past EVERYTHING was blamed on poor parenting.  It was a cop out then and it is a cop out now, except in cases of extreme mental and physical abuse which constitutes a small fraction of our children wBPD.  

[hopeangel]

I completely agree that the unfair stigma is one of the worsts things to come to terms with!

It is SO hard to keep knocking yourself out to try tohelp someone and then find out you are regarded as most of the problem by certain professionals!

[DKW]

I have lived in this world for 6 years now.  It was only recently that others also began to be her "trigger".  She got good at hiding it from grandparents and other family members who were not around for long periods of time.  Once she lost her cool in front of other family members she would threaten people, ":)on't make me go off!"  At that point, I knew that her stories were no longer considered as even partially true.  She now has strained relationships with cousins she rarely sees because she has demonized me, my dh and my parents to anyone who would listen.

It has taken time, but we all know that her illness is the reason for her triggers.  We have learned to retreat and limit contact.  This has helped.  We also have found that when we have a great day with her, an attack soon follows.  Just part of her and her illness!

[theplotthickens]

I too see the school, therapists, social workers etc, look at me with horror. She is the master of being such a nice girl and manages to turn everything around on me, to make me look like the devil incarnate... . I too have found once she is no longer attending therapy, most of the drama stops. With my daughter, the less people hopping up and down, the better. Its hard to keep your chin up when you feel like you need to defend everything you do isn't it?

That's it!  It merely adds to the already fantastic stress load we are carrying.  Don't you love it when they talk to us like we are idiots or worse?  THAT is SO helpful!  Not.

"The less people hoppeing

Don't you know that it's always the parents fault, particularly the mothers? My son demonizes both of us because we won't play the game anymore.  I fear that the child-centric nature of our society has swung too far toward the child and neglects to address the actual issues the child has by giving them endless reasons, triggers whatever you want to call them to shift the blame. And for BPD kids this is like giving alcohol to an alcoholic.

It is exactly like giving alcohol to an alcoholic. I LOVE that analogy.  I am so gonna steal it! 

I   all of you on this board!  Cheers to everyone of us!

[pessim-optimist]

Yes. It is hard to bear... . We are our kids greatest triggers because they feel the closest to us and they know we love them, so they feel safe enough to unload on us. We are the ones who have stuck by them after they have lost multiple relationships.

We've been battling outrageous accusations with my step-daughter, and occasionally, we still get upset by them.

Accepting that it is part of her sickness, and that she will tend to do that is ONLY THE FIRST STEP of the process... .

Here is the good news:

We have learned that we do not have to let her abuse us, and that we have the control over what boundaries we enforce to protect ourselves from the abuse when she "goes off".

Also, our enforcing of the boundaries is good for us, AND also for our step-daughter: over time, it teaches her to control her behavior in order to get what she needs/wants rather than getting out of control to meet her needs/wants... .

It is not an easy process though - working on boundaries can be stressful and hard in itself, and in the meantime we are dealing with an out-of-control child or adult. NO FUN, but worth it in the long run... .

[Pizzas123]

Add my name to the list of worse mothers of all time.  Yes, I am the reason for all of her problems.  Her list of complaints: I'm negative and because I am she has no self worth... . gets it from me.   I am disapproving of her because she didn't choose the same lifepath as me. (Therapist supposedly told her this. It is true, I do dissaprove of drug & alcohol abuse, promiscuity, etc., call me crazy!) Most of all, I'm just annoying! :'(

It's weird, she has relationship problems with just about everyone in her life, yet I'm the one that is blamed and accused of setting her off! I have learned though, especially from educating myself about this disease, that my words can definately trigger worse behavior, so I'm working on that.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one, although I am sorry for all everyone here has to go through!

[raytamtay3]

Yeah, it DOES help to know we aren't alone.    I for one get over critical of myself when she spews this stuff at me. And I too have gotten better about choosing my words more carfully so as not to trigger her. And I always make sure to let her know that I have things I need to work on just as much as she does.

Once again, I am so happy I found this board and you all. What wonder it does for me to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Thank you!