Says she has to be like a mother to me

[Zon]

My uBPD/NPDw and I were discussing a house project that we need to get done.  One thing she said stuck in my mind.  She said that I had forced her to act like a mother to me to prod me along.  Later, she said she was not mad at me but just frustrated.  I admit to not being the best with doing projects, but this time I feel like I have been doing some of the work before she does it.  This project involves a bathroom repair/remodel and us picking out how it will look and the material involved.  The contractors will do the installation.  I just wanted to mention that, so people will not get the impression that I am not doing my honey do list.  That is a separate topic. 

I have done projects like this with her before.  I hate to do them because I have to be especially careful not to trigger something.  This time I have been the one to find examples online of other peoples bathrooms that I liked and find supply stores for some of the parts (e.g., tile).  When she prodded me at one time, I said that I would go to a showroom by myself as she reminded me how flustered she got at one store long ago.  I just need to find a way to limit the options because there are too many choices, and I am poor at interior design.  However, she intends to go with me.

Anyway, she said that she had to act like a mother to me just like she does with our children.  It made me question how bad I am with needing prodding.  I do want to get the project done.  Children activities and work limit my time to go to showrooms.  In my mind, once there, she will get upset about something.  Is this her belittling me/making me feel guilty, or do I have a trait that rubs her the wrong way?  I will ask my T about it next week.

I really dread discussing things with her that we will not at least 90% agree upon or whatever her trigger point is.  I just wish our discussions could be nice and calm.

[HealingForMe]

Remember FOG... . fear obligation guilt.

She doesnt like going to the showrooms, yet you've been doing a lot of the work finding supply stores, other bathrooms you like, etc. Plus you have limited time. She's just making you feel guilty, dont stress.

I would suggest reading some of the workshops on here, esp SET:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Good luck with the bathroom & with the communication

[Zon]

Thank you.  I needed the reminder about what was happening.  Guilt was it that time.  I accept blame for some delays, but she did go overboard, in my opinion, with how she acted.

I have used SET before I knew about it but not always and not methodically.  As I am getting tired of trying to soften things for her over the years, I have to be careful not to just drop the discussion.  I used to defend myself, but that was obviously a good way to escalate a fight.

Tomorrow, we are going to look at tile.  Regardless if she was there, it will be fun! 

[maxsterling]

It's projection.  I get similar comments, about her having to make choices for me, about her taking the lead on everything, about wanting me to be more authoritative. 

Here's what's really going on:

-  She rarely makes choices about anything.  Even what to eat!  If we go to a restaurant, she asks me what I am going to eat before she can order.  if we are buying something that is mainly for her, she will say, "I really don't know, you decide."  She doesn't want to (or can't) choose, so she wants me to do it.  In her mind, she is always having to ask me what I want.  Me not making choices for her = me not being authoritative.  I have no problem making choices about what I want - it's the shared things that I really could care less about (such as the design of curtains) that cause issues. 

- At times when I have been authoritative or taken the lead, her response is often negative.  So, if she says she doesn't care where we eat and I pick a place, sometimes she makes a negative comment.  My fault that we aren't where she wants to be.  Same goes with relationship concerns.  The times I have initiated something, I run into one of her "triggers" (to a pwBPD, anything could be a potential trigger).  The first time I tried to talk about marriage to her?  HUGE RAGE because I said that I feel couples should be married before they have children.  Ever since then, my heart races and I try to avoid that subject.

when she is raging and hurtful, this is the kind of stuff she throws at me.  That I know nothing about how to please women, how I don't have enough relationship experience, that she has to take the lead on everything... . when actually, the opposite is true.

[Zon]

It's projection.  I get similar comments, about her having to make choices for me, about her taking the lead on everything, about wanting me to be more authoritative. 

Here's what's really going on:

-  She rarely makes choices about anything.  Even what to eat!  If we go to a restaurant, she asks me what I am going to eat before she can order.  if we are buying something that is mainly for her, she will say, "I really don't know, you decide."  She doesn't want to (or can't) choose, so she wants me to do it.  In her mind, she is always having to ask me what I want.  Me not making choices for her = me not being authoritative.  I have no problem making choices about what I want - it's the shared things that I really could care less about (such as the design of curtains) that cause issues.

My wife is not too bad on some decisions.  However, I see what you are saying.  My wife likes to buy things together because I "am so picky".  I am picky about clothes--I like them to at least fit--and somewhat on the house.  Tile, curtains and decorative things are not something I am good at.  I can say if I like the look of something completed but have a difficult time imagining what it will look like before then.  Perhaps, she cannot make a decision and wants me to be the reason for not being able to do it.  Fortunately, she can decide on somethings such as food.  A lot of things she likes to run past me after the fact such as buying clothes for the children or other items for the house.

At times when I have been authoritative or taken the lead, her response is often negative.  So, if she says she doesn't care where we eat and I pick a place, sometimes she makes a negative comment.  My fault that we aren't where she wants to be.  Same goes with relationship concerns.  The times I have initiated something, I run into one of her "triggers" (to a pwBPD, anything could be a potential trigger).  The first time I tried to talk about marriage to her?  HUGE RAGE because I said that I feel couples should be married before they have children.  Ever since then, my heart races and I try to avoid that subject.

I have begun to be more assertive which is something she has wanted from me for a long time.  She actually was upset when I did it because it was for something she did not want to do which was go to my step-father's birthday party (and see my mom ).

Sorry about the marriage issue.  I will say that as time goes by there are more and more issues that would make me get very tense as I know it is a high probability for a rage.

My recommendation for you is to not give in on the subject of children.  Ignoring morals and logic, it is the stress involved.  If she cannot handle getting married, then children will be much worse on her.  Marriage is a cakewalk compared to children.  For one, children have minds of their own which can drive my wife nuts.  Second, getting married is a big yet singular hurdle.  After getting married, there are no more decisions needed for the wedding and honeymoon.  Obviously, marriage has stress, more so for pwBPD, but not like children.

when she is raging and hurtful, this is the kind of stuff she throws at me.  That I know nothing about how to please women, how I don't have enough relationship experience, that she has to take the lead on everything... . when actually, the opposite is true.

I really wish I had known all of this long ago or seen it from another person.  I was inexperienced with women.  I tried very hard to do what I thought would make her happy.  If I had known that this was not a normal relationship, I may have never married her or at least tried things drastically different than I did.