The Best Way to Handle This?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The more I open up to friends about the nature of my relationship with my partner (MY friends, as I don't want to sabotage any of his friendships), the more I realize just how abusive he can be.

The threats, the aggression, the insults... . Attacking my character is easier than accepting that he's responsible for his own words and actions... . Blaming me for his impulsive passive-aggressive tendencies (cheating, picking fights, taking photographs of the laundry pile or the full garbage bin when I don't have time to take care of it, then claiming that he's "not allowed" to do anything around the house, spreading rumors about me to all of our friends and family, villainizing me to the point that it's destroyed some of MY friendships and then claiming to have had nothing to do with it)... . LYING ALL THE DAMN TIME... . Telling EVERYONE that I'm crazy (because I live with an anxiety disorder that is barely detectable when stress is minimized, but involves coping mechanisms - cleaning my house and taking a shower whenever I do laundry - whenever he lies to me and/or his behaviors get too intense. this stems from being bullied as a child and, yes, I'm very aware of the parallels between then and now.)... . The constant exit strategies and threats to dissolve our relationship... . The stonewalling and the gaslighting... . The claiming of innocence (HA!) and attempts to make me feel guilty for asserting my right to be respected... . The SARCASM and eye-rolling whenever I ask him to help around the house or to show me some kindness or love... . Being told I'm "unattractive" because I don't smile as much as I used to... .

I feel like I'm living with a teenager most of the time.

A friend recently told me that my light's going to go out if I don't do something, quick. My therapist also made it clear that I'm in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship with a man who is denying his own mental illness ("I'll go for an assessment, but it CANNOT be BPD-specific. I'm just depressed and am wearing myself too thin, that's all. there's nothing wrong with me, though. YOU are the crazy one! I wouldn't have this kind of stress in my life, if you weren't around!" and that, if I don't see positive changes immediately, I need to figure out a way to leave... . Only, the thing is, as much as part of me is so unbelievably LIVID with him for abusing both my kindness and my trust, and is ready and willing to run away screaming, part of me wants to hold his hand and show him how to make this world (his world, our world) a better place. I want to show him that love isn't supposed to hurt and that all of the wonderful things he talks about can and will happen, if he just allows himself to be loved the way that everyone in this world deserves. If he just allows himself to GIVE and SHOW the love he claims to have inside of him.

I've noticed that, in four years of being a couple, he's never really taken the time to get to know me (as both a person and a partner). He assumes that he knows me, but is consistently mistaking my sadness/disappointment as "anger" and claims I'm trying to control him or pick a fight whenever I (calmly) ask him not to disrespect me. He asked me to go out on a date with him last night to see a friend's band and then, pretty much ignored me while we were there. He doesn't talk to me about anything of substance, unless he absolutely has to. He doesn't seem to speak to me at all unless he absolutely has to.

It's getting to the point where I'm having difficulty keeping my cool whenever he makes a rude comment or says/does something abusive, as of recent. I'm not an angry person by nature, but I've noticed that I'm growing more and more angry in regards to the way he's been treating me. And, of course, if I respond to his complaints or aggression in a tone that he doesn't like, he cowers and makes me look (feel) like a jerk for sticking up for myself or standing up to him. My response is usually something along the lines of "hey. I wasn't being sharp/aggressive/barking at you, I was being assertive/suggesting a solution to the issue you're dealing with in a matter of fact tone. I'm sorry that you feel sad, but I need you to understand that it's not really fair for you to be upset with me for MY tone of voice when you refuse to be conscious of yours... . you know?" He usually sighs and says he understands, but it makes me feel horrible for the remainder of the day. Mostly because he looks like a sad little boy and it breaks my heart to think that I caused him to feel bad. Part of me wonders if he does it on purpose to have more control over our relationship (and if so, eff him!), but at the same time... . That's my Sweetheart, you know? Or at least, he looks and sounds like my Sweetheart.

As a non-BPD partner, how am I supposed to live with the conflicting feelings about MYSELF that come with psychological splitting and/or control tactics? How am I supposed to work through the anger that's been stifled for so many years, when my partner (who claims that I'm his world) continues to show the behavior of someone who really doesn't like me? How am I supposed to handle the break-up threats and the sarcasm and the passive-aggressive things he does, and still find a way to trust that he's not going to break my heart (again)? How am I supposed to trust someone who cries wolf to anyone and everyone who will listen, but claims to be the most honest and patient guy I will ever know?

Will DBT really help to make all of this go away? Or am I, indeed, "the crazy one" (as he calls me) for believing that there's a chance that he can change and we can live happily, as a family?

[NonWhoCares]

The more I open up to friends about the nature of my relationship with my partner (MY friends, as I don't want to sabotage any of his friendships), the more I realize just how abusive he can be.

The threats, the aggression, the insults... . Attacking my character is easier than accepting that he's responsible for his own words and actions... . Blaming me for his impulsive passive-aggressive tendencies (cheating, picking fights, taking photographs of the laundry pile or the full garbage bin when I don't have time to take care of it, then claiming that he's "not allowed" to do anything around the house, spreading rumors about me to all of our friends and family, villainizing me to the point that it's destroyed some of MY friendships and then claiming to have had nothing to do with it)... . LYING ALL THE DAMN TIME... . Telling EVERYONE that I'm crazy (because I live with an anxiety disorder that is barely detectable when stress is minimized, but involves coping mechanisms - cleaning my house and taking a shower whenever I do laundry - whenever he lies to me and/or his behaviors get too intense. this stems from being bullied as a child and, yes, I'm very aware of the parallels between then and now.)... . The constant exit strategies and threats to dissolve our relationship... . The stonewalling and the gaslighting... . The claiming of innocence (HA!) and attempts to make me feel guilty for asserting my right to be respected... . The SARCASM and eye-rolling whenever I ask him to help around the house or to show me some kindness or love... . Being told I'm "unattractive" because I don't smile as much as I used to... .

I feel like I'm living with a teenager most of the time.

A friend recently told me that my light's going to go out if I don't do something, quick. My therapist also made it clear that I'm in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship with a man who is denying his own mental illness ("I'll go for an assessment, but it CANNOT be BPD-specific. I'm just depressed and am wearing myself too thin, that's all. there's nothing wrong with me, though. YOU are the crazy one! I wouldn't have this kind of stress in my life, if you weren't around!" and that, if I don't see positive changes immediately, I need to figure out a way to leave... . Only, the thing is, as much as part of me is so unbelievably LIVID with him for abusing both my kindness and my trust, and is ready and willing to run away screaming, part of me wants to hold his hand and show him how to make this world (his world, our world) a better place. I want to show him that love isn't supposed to hurt and that all of the wonderful things he talks about can and will happen, if he just allows himself to be loved the way that everyone in this world deserves. If he just allows himself to GIVE and SHOW the love he claims to have inside of him.

I've noticed that, in four years of being a couple, he's never really taken the time to get to know me (as both a person and a partner). He assumes that he knows me, but is consistently mistaking my sadness/disappointment as "anger" and claims I'm trying to control him or pick a fight whenever I (calmly) ask him not to disrespect me. He asked me to go out on a date with him last night to see a friend's band and then, pretty much ignored me while we were there. He doesn't talk to me about anything of substance, unless he absolutely has to. He doesn't seem to speak to me at all unless he absolutely has to.

It's getting to the point where I'm having difficulty keeping my cool whenever he makes a rude comment or says/does something abusive, as of recent. I'm not an angry person by nature, but I've noticed that I'm growing more and more angry in regards to the way he's been treating me. And, of course, if I respond to his complaints or aggression in a tone that he doesn't like, he cowers and makes me look (feel) like a jerk for sticking up for myself or standing up to him. My response is usually something along the lines of "hey. I wasn't being sharp/aggressive/barking at you, I was being assertive/suggesting a solution to the issue you're dealing with in a matter of fact tone. I'm sorry that you feel sad, but I need you to understand that it's not really fair for you to be upset with me for MY tone of voice when you refuse to be conscious of yours... . you know?" He usually sighs and says he understands, but it makes me feel horrible for the remainder of the day. Mostly because he looks like a sad little boy and it breaks my heart to think that I caused him to feel bad. Part of me wonders if he does it on purpose to have more control over our relationship (and if so, eff him!), but at the same time... . That's my Sweetheart, you know? Or at least, he looks and sounds like my Sweetheart.

As a non-BPD partner, how am I supposed to live with the conflicting feelings about MYSELF that come with psychological splitting and/or control tactics? How am I supposed to work through the anger that's been stifled for so many years, when my partner (who claims that I'm his world) continues to show the behavior of someone who really doesn't like me? How am I supposed to handle the break-up threats and the sarcasm and the passive-aggressive things he does, and still find a way to trust that he's not going to break my heart (again)? How am I supposed to trust someone who cries wolf to anyone and everyone who will listen, but claims to be the most honest and patient guy I will ever know?

Will DBT really help to make all of this go away? Or am I, indeed, "the crazy one" (as he calls me) for believing that there's a chance that he can change and we can live happily, as a family?

[living in the past]

 *welcome*thanks for telling your story your not alone here, you described a pwBPD pretty good,take care of your self,you sound like a lovely person he is lucky to have you care about him.

[Surnia]

What a difficult relationship you are in, nonWhoCares! 

Speaking about it with good friends like you said or posting here is a very important step when dealing with a difficult relationship. Often we stay too long too silent about it.

You may have your own issues like anxiety - you are not crazy. This is important too.

About him and change: Some people are just not willing to change. DBT may help with someone who is reaching out to a T, we cannot force someone to see a T.

One question could be: What about your relationship if you let go the hope he will change?


What you can try is change your communication patterns.

My response is usually something along the lines of "hey. I wasn't being sharp/aggressive/barking at you, I was being assertive/suggesting a solution to the issue you're dealing with in a matter of fact tone. I'm sorry that you feel sad, but I need you to understand that it's not really fair for you to be upset with me for MY tone of voice when you refuse to be conscious of yours... . you know?"

First and foremost: NO JADE, no justifying, arguing, defending, explaining. Which is often not easy.

Another important communication mindset is validation. Validation for his feelings without defending yourself.

You may look at this workshop: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it.