Parent's legal liablity when adult child is engaging in illegal behavior

[seekingsunshine]

Hello. I posted much of what follows on the intro board.  A moderator suggested I share my story on the parenting board especially due to concerns over possible legal ramifications that my husband and I could face due to my DD’s actions.  Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

This is my first post. I've been reading on BPD for a few years in trying to effectively relate to my now 22 year old daughter. The last 5 years have been very difficult. My story is similar to many others here.  Although anxious and shy, my daughter was mostly sweet, kind and thoughtful as a child.  She was (I guess still is?) very smart (IQ). Her dad has a very high IQ but he isn't socially adept. We were only together briefly and although he always been around, he never provided any support because he never held a regular job but instead sits around and plays on the computer and watches TV.  But I digress somewhat. DD had plenty of other fatherly figures (my dad and brothers and when she was 10, my husband) and loving adults to dote on her.  I figured she would be all right and, in fact, she was on track for this to happen. 

She was an honors student in school, was involved with a nice group of kids who she had been friends with for years, had very kind and steady boyfriend.  I thinking now that she probably did as well as she did early on only because she was more of a compliant people pleaser and feared losing our love and affection. She internalized most of her distress. We were not aware of it at the time (although I had a feeling) but she started self-harming (cutting) and disordered eating (anorexia and binge-purging) around 15 or 16. At 17-18 she was hospitalized twice for depression, anxiety & suicide attempts.  She barely graduated high school after securing a full ride scholarship to college during her senior year of high school. She broke up with the good boyfriend and alienated all her other friends.  In January of that year, she was arrested for smoking pot and missed a very important school event. She lost her driver's license for a year.

She did go to college in the fall but did not acclimate.  She did not engage in any school activities but instead spent her freshman year in an abusive relationship. She alienated her roommates via drama: abusive relationship, eating disorder, substance abuse. Her grades were dropping. She was dropping courses.  She found a psychiatrist who liberally prescribed all kinds of meds including benzos.

The relationship with the abusive boyfriend was off during her sophomore year but she rushed into another relationship (with a decent guy) but when he needed space from the drama (a second arrest for possession of pot and also being apprehended for shoplifting failing school etc.) instead of waiting it out she freaked and got drunk with abusive boyfriend and arrested again for DUI after she totaled our car & hit another car (thankfully no one was hurt!).  This makes 3 drug/alcohol arrests, two shoplifting incidents etc. on top of eating disorders, substance abuse, cutting and several hospitalizations for stress related GI illnesses.

She went back to college for her junior year (she was on academic probation for the scholarship and at risk for losing it, but she still had it and, of course, she hated living at home!).  Towards the end of her junior year, she took some type of LSD substance at a music festival, ended up having a seizure, falling out, busting her face and ended up in the ER (again). The end of her junior year saw the last of her college scholarship. 

She moved back home with plans to attend the local college where my husband and I work (and where she could receive tuition reduction and live free of charge.)  It was rough!  Drama, drama, drama….She dropped out of school midway through the semester (she barely went to class). She stormed out of the house angry at me (again) and moved in with a boyfriend of 2 weeks. Soon after, she was once again hospitalized for GI issues (bleeding ulcers related to her substance abuse & eating disorders).   Boyfriend dropped her off at hospital ER and didn't visit once. She came back home. Hates me. Doesn't try to find a job. Instead, post to "arrangement finders" "carrot dating" and "sugar daddy" sites. Exchanges sexual favors for money.  I find out and tell her to not do this again. She actually makes some improvement at the first of the year. Because of health issues, she stops using benzos, pot and alcohol. I see some improvement in her mood for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately, I recently find out that she started (continued) to make sex/finance arrangements with older men. I outline conditions of living at home that are in line with our values.  I don't think she really cares. She isn't keeping to these conditions.  I am heartbroken but she really doesn't care.  Honestly, through the years, I've tried compassion, caring, kindness, support and tough love.  She goes to therapy. I go to therapy. I am tired of living this life.  I do not see it ever getting any better.  Right now I have a hard time being around her.  I just can't get over the latest.  We are regular folks. We work hard and have provided decent "things" as well as provided lots of loving, time and attention. She has access to a life of relative comfort (not plush, not wealthy) but instead of spending her time trying to improve her life with regular honest work she sells herself out of our middle class suburban home? What the heck? I told her that she needs to choose what kind of life she wants and that if she does continue with these arrangements then that is the life she chooses and that I will not be a part of it.  At this point, I am prepared to call it quits.

Update- so DD starts making attempts to get a job and she actually has an interview today with a national job placement agency…. But guess what?  Self-sabotage! She knows she isn’t going to pass the drug test!  Knowing she won’t pass the drug test and yet interviewing with a national job placement agency means that she will never be able to work with this company anywhere in the US.  She knows this yet?

Any ideas, suggestions for “calling it quits” legally with adult children.  Any concerns or experience with any legal issues that parents may face as a result of their adult children’s illegal/illicit behavior? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear seekingsunshine

I am so sorry you are struggling so with your dd... . what a long journey you have been on and I have to agree with the boundaries you have put in place. If your dd continues this kind of behavior I really think you have no other choice but to evict her from your home. I think I would start with giving her a drug test weekly if she wants to stay in your home. I do think there is a lot you can do to put firm boundaries in place. What are the things you give her that she takes for granted? phone? car? money? I have taken my dd16 door off her bedroom at times when she could not be trusted.

I am wondering if you have looked into a dual program that can help your dd with the drugs and her BPD at the same time? You say she is in therapy? How long has she been with this same therapist? I would question if he/she was really helping at this point and it might be time to look for other sources of support and help.

I can read in your post your disappointment in her and your sadness over her wasted school years... . try to put that behind you... . your dd is going to have a different life... . what does she plan to do right now? What are her main struggles? Hang in there... . I really don't know what your legal ramifications might be but if I found drugs in my home I would call the police and report her... . she needs help and the question is where is she going to find that?

[Kate4queen]

I think we all understand where you are at. I'm so sorry.

With my son, we took that detachment in slow stages that we could handle and still live with ourselves and our fear of what our son would do if we stopped enabling him. It's really hard to let go of that fear.

We set out in writing the minimum requirements for living in our house and gave him a week or so to digest those things. Of course, his BPD made him panic and things got a lot worse as he raged at us and fought us on every little thing, and every nuance of every word. But we stayed united. he stormed out in a huff and luckily for us found a friends family who were willing to believe we were the devil and put him up.

We took advantage of him not being there to strengthen our resolve and made a decision after a week of not having him home and feeling so much better that we were prepared to negotiate a deal with him to get him permanently out of our house and into an apartment with an allowance.

Now some people might think that was too much and we were frequently told either just to kick him out or that we were monsters (you can't win ) But we had to do what we could live with without tearing ourselves apart and that is different for every parent. We also made sure he was aware the offer wasn't forever but just until he could get himself a job (he failed college and didn't take up an offer for Berkley).

So that's where we are, taking small steps to reassert our boundaries, tail off his support, ignore his raging emails and have no physical contact with him at all.

Would it be possible for you to draw up a plan of what you are prepared to do to get her out of your house? Logical steps and then communicate them with her, refuse to be drawn into arguments or threats to self-harm and follow through?

[crumblingdad]

So sort to hear all this but indeed I do think you need to set some clear boundaries with her.  If she is using your home for prostitution that is indeed an illegal activity and not sure what kind of legal consequences you could face if she's using the home itself but I would imagine you don't need a police sting on your property which could very well happen.

At 22 there is no legal ramifications for you telling her she's not welcome although it doesn't sound like you are sure if you are ready for that.

Is she open to a treatment program?  Whether it be a DBT group therapy program or some sort of inpatient RTC type approach?

[seekingsunshine]

Hello again and thanks for the thoughtful replies. 

Prior to this post, I had written out family expectations and conditions for living at home etc.  This included majority of hours each week sincerely seeking honest work and/or engaging in skills training and/or volunteer activities. I stated these activities needed to be communicated from dd to us weekly.  I also stated that a healthy lifestyle (details re: no intoxication or harmful behaviors) plus weekly therapy is required and that she needed to help around the house (take out her personal garbage instead of letting it pile up in room - I can live with clutter in her room but garbage piling up is another thing) and unload/load dishwasher a couple of times a week.  I also stated that she needed to choose between living a life in accordance with our family values or a life completely outside of our family. (With our "family values" as basically no offers/arrangements of sex for money! I know, we are such hard-arses.) I highlighted some of the benefits of a life with our family and told her the decision was hers. 

Anyhow, so far so good.  But I've been hoodwinked plenty times before.  She is actively seeking employment and even cleaned the kitchen.  Prior to this, I had turned off her phone, disconnected our wireless internet and cable TV, and took the keys to the car that she sometimes borrows from us. I pointed out that these were some of the benefits that are privileges earned for someone who needs these things to live a productive honest life. These are not things to be taken for granted and used by someone not making an attempt to work hard at improving their life.

I am considering installing a security system to monitor the house.  Any suggestions?

[jellibeans]

Dear seekingsunshine

I think that is a very reasonable list and a really good start! I am glad you have it all written down... . give her a copy... . keep us posted... . sounds like a step in the right direction. 

[qcarolr]

seekingsunshine -

It is good she is trying to make things work out, and I will be hoping and praying for this to continue for you. What is the plan if she cannot maintain the contract to live in your home? Is that a part of the plan you have written?

This was always the sticky part of setting detailed limits with my DD, now 27. What are dh and I willing to do to protect our values-based boundaries? It is no longer about changing our DD's behaviors, values, beliefs, preferences, etc. -- she is an adult now and we have little impact on these things. We want our home to be a safe, peaceful place with no illegal activity going on. I have no fears of my being arrested or charged, but do not want DD's unkown friends around the neighborhood anymore. It has created a lot of isolation for us.

Kate4queen makes some good points. Only you and your dh can figure out what you are willing to tolerate in your home, and what you are willing an able to do when that line is crossed. Whatever you decide, make sure you can follow through with it.

It has been hard, yet our DD27 has lived homeless much of the past 5 years. Even when living in our home, she was gone more than here so she could do as she wanted, not what we wanted.

Be strong.

qcr

[parent of bpd daughter]

I am so sorry you need to be here. I wish you were in my neighborhood - we could go out for coffee and hugs and chocolate. I know exactly how you feel. Here's a few things I learned along the way (my BPDD is 34 now) maybe they will help - maybe not - I hope so

1 - Filing Charges against our own children I learned - is the only way to get court mandated treatment or action. Restraining orders or other tactics (at least in my county) don't work - gotta file charges (as if it's easy for moms to do right?) If they are doing illegal activities - one option is file charges - not civil, but criminal as in having them arrested.

2 - DBT therapists and programs seem the most capable of dealing with this - if you can get her into in-patient DBT - I think that's the best bet - they are expensive and sometimes insurance won't pay anything -  but it's an option.

3 - If you can't bring yourself to put her on the streets - a transition may be set her up in an apartment of her own for a time and can hire security to do wellness checks - it's extreme - but these kids are extreme

4 - Work on your guilt - that's the killer that I myself can't even overcome 100% - at most only 1/2 of her problem is "nurture" - probably less - the rest is "nature" she was just born different - no amount of coddling will ever change that. In cavemen days, she would be dead, same as mine - but in modern society- compassion tries to overcome them - but doesn't always work.

5 - Take care of YOU first and foremost because if you collapse - no one will be there for her anyway.

I am sorry - my heart goes out to you.