"I don't know if im IN love with you anymore"

[JS0811]

Hello,

  So my long whole story of my BPD ex is posted in my intro under new members. But one thing i have really been struggling with since our break up which is our 3rd breakup and was only a few days ago... . Is what he said "I care about you so much you are my best friend ... but i dont know that im IN love with you anymore." This has been playing in my head over and over and it really hurts to think this is true. I love him

More than anything and so im

Wondering have any of you had your BPD partner say this to you, to turn around later and say they love you ?

 

[goingtostopthis]

I dont know.  Im going through a thing now where Ive been questioning myself and feeling like I dont love "him" anymore. He split on me about a mouth ago and it lasted about month. It was horrendous, never ending attacking of me and intentionally hurting me, silent treatment the works. I got sick of course because of the strain and Im still fighting off this virus.

                      I finally gave up and stopped contacting him for about a week and a half.  I got weak and checked in with him once on chat and Bing Bong Boom! There he was acting like nothing much had happened. We have been communicating now for about two weeks on a regular basis. Hes been real nice but it's been strange.

Twise I mentioned about missing him after he said this to me,  and I said I wish I could come see him, and he said , I sort of wish you were here.  Before this was one thing he only dreamed of and talked about all the time. Now,   he "sort of" wished I was there to see him.  It hurt my feelings and I found myself starting up on my weeping jags again.   I told him my feelings were hurt (felt risky but I couldnt help it) and that I felt he had devalued me. Ya.  I just came out and said it. He told me he hadnt devalued me and then said , My head is still pretty messed up honey.  

                   It was stupid thing to get upset about anyways because hes in the Uk and Im in the US and I dont see myself having the means to see him in a long, long time.  So what was I thinking? What was he thinking? He knows this too.

                   Im bothered because in the beginning when he split on me I figured out his problem, pretty much.  Everything written I saw the lists, BPD all there.  What could I do?   I told him what I thought was wrong with him and he flipped! I didnt know what else to do and didnt understand how  he most likley was going to take that. not well... . Ugh... .   Anyways,  he keeps on saying now, on and off,  Im messed up, as him being the one who is messed up.  So I thinking, Does he know?   It seems obvious to me he at least knows something isnt right with him. What he thinks that is, I have no clue,  he wont talk to me about this. He could think it's aliens in his head as far as I know.

                   Im also bothered because we used to skype all the time.  I want to see him,naturally!  but he wont say a thing about it. If he wanted to , hed say.   at one point when we were fighting he was real mean about it and said,  Why would I want to do that for? It hurts my eyes and gives me a head ache! I guess Im not worth anymore,  at least this is how this felt.  So I can relate to what youre saying, except I myself am having doubts about how "I" feel.  Mt feelings kind of flip flop slowly through this time.  Now that he said his "sort of " thing to me,  I dont want to talk to him.  Im getting tired of this.   I dont know what to do. It seems kind of pointless to go on with this,  but I still care about him, and I do love him,  the love has just changed and I feel like it wont go back to deeper kind of love for me until he opens up to me. I dont think hes being honest with me at all. He needs to face his problem and it bothers me because I all ways thought he knew me enough to know he trust me and know Id be there.  Guess not.  The illness is making this too tough for him. 

[JS0811]

Hi There :goingtostopthis.

I understand your point of view as well. I have been there myself, when we were together... closer to the end I started to think of me a little more. I went out with friends more often and I tried to set some boundaries for myself, I began to question our relationship... because at times it was very difficult. I never questioned if I loved him, but I know how you might feel that way, it is so hard to sacrifice your own feelings constantly, to walk on eggshells.

Now i am struggling to not contact him... . like you I want to text him and see how hes doing. I really wonder and worry. Before when we broke up I contacted him much more and we always slowly began full blown communicating again and then dating again.

      His whole " sort of" wanting to see you thing, could just be him trying to protect his feelings. Im sure he senses that you are considering leaving him for good, and he doesn't want to get hurt.

   I have learned crying in front of my ex NEVER works. The only time it has is when I started crying and then immediately left and went home. He followed me there to talk because he felt bad. But that was a rare occasion. It sounds like he is using the fact that he isnt well to make you feel like your feelings dont count. Trust me ive been there too. Which is why im here, because now i feel like I can't cope very well or trust my feelings.

    Im glad you talked about bringing up telling him about BPD. I tried that too. He flipped too. He told me off and said How dare you? !  I said it out of love, because I wanted him to research the disorder... he did not see it this way. He felt attacked.:/ He might know "something " is wrong... but he might not want to label it. Thats how my ex was/is. Just the other day I saw him and he said he had an appointment and I said oh where? and he said to see " my crazy doctor" . He admits something is wrong, but its almost a joke?

     I think like you, the only hope for me is if my ex FULLY realizes his disorder and takes steps to improve things. I am doing the work. I am here... . I have ordered books and I want to improve our relationship ,even if its just a friendship. But its not fair if its only us doing the work... .

[sirensong65]

Mine started saying this right at the beginning of the end the first time.  I recycled once after that and now I am done.  I looked back and did some digging and it appears that right about the time he started saying that is when he was starting up with my replacement (his co worker) who I am pretty sure he is still seeing currently.

Trust me, I know how you feel.  We ALL have been there.  I drank the first 3 months away and could have lost my life or my job at the least.  Then we recycled and I saw even  more of the monster he truly is... and now I am done.

I deserve what I gave.  Anyone who lies to your face, has sex with you and then goes and has sex with other women without your knowledge cause you think you are exclusive is pure trash.  I don't deserve trash.

You will get there, you WILL move forward but please, take it from me, don't allow a recycle.  It just gets worse with each recycle.  It will NEVER work with these people.

You are worth more than this.

[goingtostopthis]

Now wait a minute!   

       Every situation is different and there are many relationships with BPD's that have worked out. I mean if you have decided to slam the book closed due to your experience that is fine, then why are you here still posting? It isnt helpful at all to say what you just said as if it applies to alll these relationships, because it doesnt.

                I still dont know what "I'm" going to do. That's why Im here.  I admit,  it doesnt look good for any kind of future with boyfriend and to be honest,  I look at many of the posts here and I think to myself:  "what are these people doing? with these people? We all might as well go out side and hit our big toes with a hammer. It doesnt seem to me you can have much of a life at all being with individuals afflicted with this illness. Youve got to be kidding yourselves!  and many are,  possibly me too.  Its niether here nor there at this point for me. Im still trying to figure this all out for myself. I cant pronounce my conclusions to be true for everyone else like black and white thinking.

               I do know that Im not happy with the course of things in my relationship. Thats a start. Im now beginning to realize that this is not what I have wanted and that it isnt good for me to be in contact with someone who is basically,  all ways negative in one way or another. They do pull you down. Just last night we were having a normal conversation. I had to stay late for work, 3 hours of hell because I was feeling sick and couldnt leave until 7 oclock.  I had a horrible sinus headache that would not go away.  Through out our conversation he was very supportive to me, loving  and encouraging,   never said anything about bad about how he was feeling. It seemed perfectly fine,  then  right when the clock hit 7 oclock, I had my bag packed, keys out, I was ready to book,  he all of  a sudden pronounces to me with all this seriousness that he was experiencing a psychic attack!   And Im thinking,  What is that?  I was torn,  do I stay and talk this out with him or go home now! It really bothered me and made me angry because he knew darn well how bad I was feeling and going home as soon as possible is what I needed to do. This is what we had been talking about for the last hour.     What is he thinking?   Why did he wait until the exact moment the clock struck 7. It pissed me off. 

        I politely told him I would talk to him as soon as I got home and felt better and showed my concern and worry for him,  but I "had"  to go. He said he'd be all right and that he was tough.  So I went home, but was plagued by him saying this the whole way. Was he manipulating me? or was he just reacting to his feelings with no thought of the time or what I was doing, you know, not meaning to. 

               When I got home I finally asked him,  whats a psychic attack?   and he said, its about my sensitivity and Ill talk to you about it tomorrow.  I asked,  was it something I said, and he said, no.  it didnt have anything to do with me.  I have to be honest with myself.  I dont need this. He's creeping me out. It all sounds like hog wash to me. And once again as I have said before,   it sounds like he knows hes got a problem. To admit he's really sensitive ,(his sensitivity) as a label to himself, many times, and to use words such a psychic attack! yet, he cant look up BPD like I asked him to when we were fighting and figure it out,  its beyond me.   

                Its like he has to come up with something more serious then my seriousness at the moment I was FINALLY able to go home. I dont know if he knows hes doing it ,  but we each need to take turns getting our emotional needs met in the relationship and it looks to me that what he said to me was his way of canceling mine needs out and pressuring me to focus ALL on him at that moment.  I couldnt do it.  So it looks like I need to take some serious time looking at myself. It might be helpful to find a therapist help me move on from this because I need help.  I cant just quit on him and dissapear. I cant at this time. It hard.         

[goingtostopthis]

I just looked up Psychic Attack.   This isnt the first time he has claimed he's had dark forces torturing him.  Im not going to try to prove or dis prove anyone's beliefs here, but in this case I think this is him making this up as apart of his disorder.   Im sorry if it seems I kind of took over the subject of this thread. I just think I need to be more sensitive to myself and how the things he says , or the acts he goes into bring me down. I dont know if giving them attention for things like this is the right thing to do. When it starts to feel like they are sucking off your energy , its time to go,  especially when you have no energy left.  I can love him just for himself but I dont think  can love him for being like this. Sometimes I dont think its a question of whether or not they love us. Are they really capable of it anyways when they cant love themselves enough to be aware of how they are effecting themselves and other people?  In the end we have to ask ourselves what we really want. 

                            I know I want to live a healthy, positive, happy life.    I want to spend my life with someone whose in reality and really wants to try, someone who has goals and dreams.       

[Seneca]

in no particular order, over the last 9 (of 13 )years i have been told:

i hate you

i don't love you

i never loved you

i don't like you

the worst thing i ever did was marry you

the biggest mistake of my life was marrying you

i can't stand you

i only married you because there was no one else who wanted me

i feel nothing when we sleep together etc

you get the picture.

but of course now. or today, he loves me unconditionally and didn't mean those things. though many of them were said in relatively peaceful times, not in a rage or serious dysregulation. the thing with BPD is that what is true for TODAY is the absolute truth. they have a hard time reconciling bad feelings about you yesterday with good feelings about you today. you can't be both good and bad, and they can't both hate and love you. so they choose one in the moment, and have amnesia for the other moments. he very well may feel right now that he is no longer in love with you. tomorrow, he may say something different.

so what is the truth?

the truth is that you are dealing with a sick person who cannot recognize that their rapidly changing emotions control their thoughts and direction. the truth for me is that i don't think he has EVER loved me. not like a man should love his wife. i don't really think he is capable of it... . not the reciprocal, empathetic, accepting love that one would desire in a partner. he just can't. so, the best option is to choose not to listen to either the i love yous, or the i hate yous. neither of them are based on what you've given or what you deserve.

[GopherAgent]

Yep... .

If it ain't about them... . It ain't about nothin'.

They don't realize that these kinds of comments have hurtful consequences to anyone once they spew them. Only they, the abandoned and wounded, have their "feelings" hurt and bruised by everyone else. Only they hurt.

Seneca... . I've heard everyone of those items on your list hundreds of times and I probably can think of just as many more to add to it and each and everyone of them are painful and hard to forget once unleashed during one if their rages.

They don't act out of "unconditional" love at any point in their lives to those closest to them. I call it "Situational Love". If the situation calls for love, then they act with love. If they get "crossed" by you... . WATCH THE HELL OUT. That's another situation all together. It will roll down hill and right into your emotional stomach and punch the spiritual crap out of you leaving you exhausted, spent and destroyed... . If you let it.

All the helps on these pages are fine here and hopefully, they will help us to deal with the one who has these traits. However, a consistent and active awareness of what is at play here with that person is the only thing that keeps me going. In a split second, she can go from loving to suspicious, or sweet and compassionate to a total bear. As long as I don't forget that any thing and every thing can and most likely WILL happen, then I can be prepared for the nasty things said and not have to take them so personally. I certainly have learned that sharing my intimate thoughts and desires for US is a bad thing to do because I will get burned and soufflayed because I didn't frame them right to her satisfaction.

What is that satisfaction any way? Especially since it is a always a movable goal post.

Oh... . darn... . that sounds like another topic for another day. The movable goal post.

Thanks... . GopherAgent

[hergestridge]

I'll have to second what Seneca wrote and I'll like to add something:

A person with BPD is obsessed with his own feelings and has a grandiose view of what his feelings mean to other people.

Your feelings are for yourself to act upon. They are not to be forwarded to someone else.

God knows that my feelings for my wife have fluctuated over the past 20 years when we've been through good times and bad times, but if I would run out of love to the extent that I would consider leaving her, I would tell her.

Telling someone about your (negative) feellings for that person without purpose of without consequences attached is just bullying. It's hurtful and unnecessary. You can't do anything about it. You're wounded, powerless and left hanging.

But for your BPD partner it's propably just natural to let you know the whole story about his feelings, uncsensored. Perhaps so that he can get it of his chest or so that you can make decisions that he feels are too big for him to make.

If you want to stay with him long time, set boundaries. No playing with feelings, no unnecessary sharing of feelings unless it actually means something.

[JS0811]

hergestridge:

  Thank you for your comments... this really spoke to me. " it's propably just natural to let you know the whole story about his feelings, uncsensored. Perhaps so that he can get it of his chest or so that you can make decisions that he feels are too big for him to make. If you want to stay with him long time, set boundaries. No playing with feelings, no unnecessary sharing of feelings unless it actually means something."

Im going to work on setting those boundaries with him and use this advice. I do want to be with him, I love him and i believe he loves me. I just need to understand his disorder more so I don't feel so confused... . and all of these comments are really helping me get a grasp on some of the things my ex has said to me, that i took to heart and really upset me.

[an0ught]

Hi JS0811,

this love you one day and hate you another is pretty "normal" for a pwBPD. In both cases you got a relationship just that the latter feels painful. In any case it will feel intense and real.

Read up on validation in the LESSONS on the staying board. You may want to actually know what he feels in order  to be able to validate so some information from him is helpful particularly represents his momentary state of mind (subject to turns on dimes). Often he will not even know exactly what he feels but you may have a vague notion and that can be helpful for him.

What you don't want however is making rash decision on anything what he feels - consider this a limit/boundary - protecting you from being manipulated by him. Knowing about his emotions is ok, validating/talking is too, in fact it is self helping you too but acting on it would be letting him control you. Let that happen and you are a puppet on strings in the hands of a teenager at best.

[JS0811]

Wow i cant believe just how right you all were. I stopped to pick up our dog from his house today and he told me he loves me and that hes stupid! Usually when he breaks things off we go through a period of a couple months of no contact. This time he has changed his mind and feelings for me in only one week.

[GopherAgent]

JSO811... .

Just wait until this switcheroo becomes a daily thing.

Today... . I Love you soo much!

Tomorrow... . I hate you!

The day after tomorrow... . I love you soo much!... . ad nauseum.

Any way... . Its not common for may of us with SO's to experience these drastic "mood swings" from day to day and even hour to hour on many occasions and for long periods of time. And for long periods of time, I mean 20 or 30 or more years of continuous dis-regulation and episodes like you've just experienced. I know... . I've just woken up to being totally unaware of this condition in my own 32 year marriage and it has been an awful road to go down.

Really, in many ways you are not confused by this disorder... . only unexperienced in its deceptive and manipulative twists and distortions of your words and emotions.

Yes... . Understanding the disorder helps. But what really helps is realizing that after you discover the "disorder" you come to terms with the reality that you actually have little impact on how these people come to terms with the hell they create in people like us. Only they suffer and are abandoned according to them. And you are the abandoner! Never them.

We continue to "love" them while being abused and debased by their total lack of self awareness and control.

anOught is right when he says "Often he will not even know exactly what he feels... . " That's because they don't see things with the same level of human connection that most of us don't question in the vast majority of "sane" and responsible people.

So JSO811, if your not married to this person... . consider a life removed from this madness and hurt. Find someone without this illness and don't look back on a 30 year relationship where the one with the madness is always on your case about some failure of yours or some misspoken word that caused them such pain and hurt that they want to end it all. Treat yourself to a nice life and find someone "NORMAL"!