Why does she still hate me?

[newc1992]

Hi everyone, I joined this forum recently so as to vent my feelings about my undiagnosed BPDexgf, since I genuinely feel as if nobody else truly understands what I am going through other than those on here.

Anyway, today is my exes birthday, and so earlier I decided that I would send her a text. Whilst I didn't expect a reply, obviously sort form of reply would've been better than nothing under the circumstances. Anyway this is what I sent:

"Hey stranger, it's newc. Just dropping in to wish you a happy 21st birthday. I hope you have a really good day! Enjoy yourself x "

Before I sent this we have been in NC for 2 months, since she decided that she no longer wanted to remain friends with me or have any further contact with me. She later found out that I had gone through her phone and had found out about her seeing new guys and sleeping with her ex. At this point she painted me black, blocked me from Facebook and cut all ties with me. She texted me two weeks later asking for some of her things back, and has most recently blocked me on twitter and viber, and deleted me on snapchat also. When I saw her out on Valentines night, she was all over some new guy and was deliberately allowing me to see this.

Despite her obvious hatred of me, it still hurts that she I has completely ignored my attempts to contact her on her birthday. We had a good relationship and she has no reason to hate me other than the fact that I found out the truth. She is in Spain (where she lives) for her birthday tonight and I have reasons to believe that she won't return to the UK anytime soon. She has made friends with a girl she had painted black for months and is spending the night with her, most probably looking to meet guys whilst she is at it. I know that in the long run it is good that she is not going to re-engage with me, but it still hurts that I have no acknowledgement if our relationship together. I want to be able to speak to her and be there as a friend since when she does return from Spain in the summer we will be living in the same region and I think that it would be good to just be civil in the future.

From what I have said does anyone see any chance of re-engagement (she will be returning from Spain at some point and does not have a lot of friends. In addition, despite desperately searching for my replacement, she has not found one yet. Also, it sounds stupid, but why is she still giving me the silent treatment and painting me black now? I am being polite and civil to her by taking the high ground but I know that she will just claim that I am being needy? She still has some items of clothing at mine which she has previously wanted back so is there a chance that she will contact me and ask for these items before she permanently moves to London (we are at uni)?

Thanks for any guidance on this matter. I appreciate the help I have from this forum as it is helping me in my struggle to overcome this painful period in my life. Thank you for any support. Any response will be beneficial to me.

[Love Is Not Enough]

It could be one of a million reasons why she hates you. Most likely she is projecting her own self-hatred onto you for "finding her out".

The question I want you to ask yourself is why you were attracted to her in the first place and why you want contact with her now?

I can see you want closure, but it is very unlikely you will ever get any. BPD is not logical in any way, shape or form, so looking for answers will only drive you crazy. I believe you are craving the idealization that you experienced for 3 months. Even if you get back together and she puts you back on the pedestal, you will not stay there for long. Eventually you will be torn down and the cycle will repeat over and over again. In the process you will lose yourself. Please read the threads from folks that have been married for years to see what they have been through.

Respect her boundary for no contact and focus on yourself. Learn as much as you can, not so that you can help her, but instead to heal yourself and to protect yourself from this happening again.

I am not saying that there is no hope for her recovery or having a relationship with her, but the odds are against you. Big time. She is very young and will most likely be in turmoil for quite some time. Years most likely. Things do tend to improve with age, but it can still take some time. My gf is 28 (I'm 36) and has just began improving recently. I still do not fell very secure though. She could come home from work tonight and tell me she is leaving me for a replacement that I know nothing about. Who knows. I just take it one day at a time. The main thing is that she is trying and I will continue to work with her as long as my major boundaries are respected.

I'm assuming you're young. Have fun and meet different people. Work on making yourself healthy (mentally, physically, spiritually) and you will attract healthy people to share your life with. In 20 years you will thank yourself  

[maxsterling]

From what I have said does anyone see any chance of re-engagement

Sure!  But it may not be the type of engagement you want.  Probably at some point in the future she will paint black whoever she is with, and a few days or hours later she will remember you and send you a, "hey, what's up?" message.  And you will be excited, and you will meet up, and it will be like old times, until she runs away on you again a few weeks later.  YOU have to be strong enough to establish boundaries so that doesn't happen again (unless you want to).

That's the nature of BPD - it will NEVER make sense to you.  A pwBPD is entirely emotion-driven.  You will never find an answer that satisfies you.  You ask why she hates you now - who knows, could be any reason, and that reason doesn't have to make sense to you.  The only thing that matters is that you are painted black, and there is nothing you can do about it except go on with your life. 

I will add - she is 21. My gf is 38, and I imagine this is how she was at 21 - just doing whatever to satisfy whatever emotion she was having at the time, probably destroying plenty of well intentioned friends and dating partners in the process.  17 years later - and she still does this.   You were only with her a short time - feel lucky that it was only a short time, because it's very likely she has years of unstable behavior in front of her that you don't have to be a part of and be hurt by.

[newc1992]

Thank you for your responses. I know that I am best to forget about her and live my life healthily without her. She is not a nice person and I have seen or heard about countless instances where she will act on impulse in order to make herself feel better in the short-term, even if this ruins her long-term friendships (I should add, that currently she has no real friends in this city, all our mutual friends have taken my side). This is not a healthy relationship, and whilst I am craving a relationship with her again, I know that will not last.

I do hope to receive contact from her in the future, be it via text or otherwise. I just know that right now she has me painted black, and that I will remain that way for at least the foreseeable future. To be able to speak to her without being hated would be a good start, but this would involve her painting me white, and I really don't think she's capable of that... .

[Aussie0zborn]

Hmmmm... . you sound like a sick puppy and you need to snap out of that. It sounds like she painted you black because you found out who she really is and pwBPD don't take too kindly to that sort of behaviour from us nons.

You talk about your replacement like you have some sort of right or you have been hard done by. Has it dawned on you that you were someone else's replacement? Just another one on her long list?

As she is 21 I'm guessing you're in the same age bracket. That being the case, don't waste your youth on this type of person. Once you become accustomed to their abuse you will be conditioned to accept it and before you know it your life has passed you by and you'll end up like us. A young man needs to build a solid foundation at every step in life. These little distractions are not helpful and you'll find a lot of them around.

Oh yeah, that's right... . I forgot. This one is special. S.P.E.C.I.A.L.  special. Pffft

Ask yourself why you are a sick puppy here rather than a man of strength and character that says, "thank goodness I will never see that piece of sh!t again". You need to make good decisions in life and this girl has already shown you numerous red flags. Act on them. Read as much as you can here to understand where she's coming from and where she's going. Keep reading to find out where YOU don't want to be going. Good luck.

[Pecator]

Why does she hate you?

Let's see, in my case she hated me because I made her crash her car. She had never had an accident before in her life. She slid into a snowbank. When she pulled into the driveway I saw the damage and went out to comfort her with a hug. She pointed her finger at me and said I brought this stress into her life. On the bright side, later after she calmed down she admitted it wasn't my fault. I should have given her space. See, not my fault in the end was still my fault.

She up and cut us off again in January (the 7th or 8th). Had a replacement a week later. She wanted N/C but that was undoable because my things were still in the home. I took the high road, only contacted her when absolutely necessary. Then after things settled I contacted her to ask if we could have a simple conversation (not yet finding these boards, I was trying to find closure). I foolishly tried to show her the high road I was taking by telling her I knew about my replacement and would do nothing to stand in the way.

I never seen her hate me more than when I let her know I knew. She was so upset about feeling exposed.

none of this makes any sense! 

Keep you focus on you my friend. We're here to help

[newc1992]

Pecator: as soon as you mentioned that she hates you for exposing her, I could relate to what you have said. I exposed my ex too, which could be why she hates me so much and why I am painted black. I was able to find out through friends and through looking through her life what she was like as a person. I found out that she had been with two guys within two weeks of our breakup (one of whom was her ex), and I confronted her about this. Deep down, I think she knows she has a problem. She told me that she always runs away from issues in the hope that they disappear and that she had used me to hide from her problems. When I told her that I knew about her past, and knew what she had been doing since our breakup, she became extremely volatile. Looking back, I am pretty sure that she didn't want me to find out about her, and she is now too ashamed to return to me. I know she has had long periods where she has been alone, where you would expect a BPD to reach out - but I've heard nothing from her. Perhaps in the long run this is a good thing. It hurts so much, but time is the biggest healer. We will both come out of this alright in the end. Meanwhile, it is highly likely that our exes will continue on their self-destructive paths for a very long time. We both deserve better, and in time we will find that. Whether she has a replacement for me right now, I do not know. She didn't have one this time last week, but in her life a week is a long time (she went from single to in love in around 3 days with me). But I have learned that eventually I will stop caring. I hope it is sooner rather than later.

[barbwire911]

yeah my ex freaked when I exposed him too; tried to deny it and then yelled "you were never anything to me anyways" and hung up and then went on a massive smear campaign at work against me. I have emailed him to stay the hell away from me and he is out of my life, etc and now he is starting to show up at the gym at the same time I go.  But yeah almost a month ago, when i confronted him on catching him cheating with the new one, he just freaked out and lost it. So the exposure is likely why he went crazy after and smeared me yet silent treated me, despite me sending him an email letter to stay the hell away from me now on.