Accompanied her to her P today, "thar she blows"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Today I was invited to go to a follow up session of my BPDw and her P, for yet another ride on the carousel of medication changes.  I am able to use FMLA time from work instead of personal time, since I work for a big company.  I though for sure she was going to fire this P right on the spot.  I am not sure how much longer this one will hold her attention.

Recently, medication n+1 began to lose effectiveness, and she put on abt 10 pounds.  Well last summer with medication n-5 she put on 28. I had to take her to a pain management doctor to get her to "detox" off of n-5.  That took several months.  Needless to say that was the end of P-1 and t-1 as collateral damage.

Different strategies have been attempted by P, but because I have a medical background, she expects me to detail her like a pharmaceutical rep or research lab about each medication the P prescribes, why, and the side effect profiles.  Telling her she is smart enough to just google the med and read it for herself is obviously not satisfactory.

I was invited into the session a few minutes into her visit, and she started her broken record of "why don't you (meaning me) know what happened... . why did I (meaning she)  put on the 10 pounds... . you (meaning me) were there what did I (meaning she) do wrong?".  Babble, Babble, Blame  and Shame.

The P observed all of this.  Then she lit into me about inconsistent parenting.

The P said all we do is fight: I agreed, saying it happens the minute I get home from work, nights and weekends.  Also on the phone as well. 

The P is right, I am trying to use the skills here, just was the L5 workshop on validation, but to tell you all the truth, I am exhausted.  I get up at 5 am and now do the lunches, get the kids up, feed breakfast, throw in a load of laundry, drop the kids off to school and get to work by 7:30 am.  Then I get home, get to cook the dinner, do the dishes, put the kids to bed , then the kitchen clean up, and that gets me to about midnight.  Then on to the next day.

I have the privilege of being in the cross hairs of her verbal rifle if she is still awake when I finally get to bed.

One glimmer I decided two nights ago:  after the kids are asleep, I get out of the house and take a walk.  She's so tired from all her meds, she's laying in bed/in her lair, so I am trying to make the most of it.  Last night I watched some you tube songs that make me feel a little better.

But I just don't feel any good vibes with this situation.  I am isolating myself from my coworkers because of the shame I feel is broadcasting out of me like a beacon. I am having a bad enough day, and it's almost time to leave work and go home and see and deal with her again.

I thought I was strong enough to work it out, but I don't think so now.

[gary seven]

Today I was invited to go to a follow up session of my BPDw and her P, for yet another ride on the carousel of medication changes.  I am able to use FMLA time from work instead of personal time, since I work for a big company.  I though for sure she was going to fire this P right on the spot.  I am not sure how much longer this one will hold her attention.

Recently, medication n+1 began to lose effectiveness, and she put on abt 10 pounds.  Well last summer with medication n-5 she put on 28. I had to take her to a pain management doctor to get her to "detox" off of n-5.  That took several months.  Needless to say that was the end of P-1 and t-1 as collateral damage.

Different strategies have been attempted by P, but because I have a medical background, she expects me to detail her like a pharmaceutical rep or research lab about each medication the P prescribes, why, and the side effect profiles.  Telling her she is smart enough to just google the med and read it for herself is obviously not satisfactory.

I was invited into the session a few minutes into her visit, and she started her broken record of "why don't you (meaning me) know what happened... . why did I (meaning she)  put on the 10 pounds... . you (meaning me) were there what did I (meaning she) do wrong?".  Babble, Babble, Blame  and Shame.

The P observed all of this.  Then she lit into me about inconsistent parenting.

The P said all we do is fight: I agreed, saying it happens the minute I get home from work, nights and weekends.  Also on the phone as well. 

The P is right, I am trying to use the skills here, just was the L5 workshop on validation, but to tell you all the truth, I am exhausted.  I get up at 5 am and now do the lunches, get the kids up, feed breakfast, throw in a load of laundry, drop the kids off to school and get to work by 7:30 am.  Then I get home, get to cook the dinner, do the dishes, put the kids to bed , then the kitchen clean up, and that gets me to about midnight.  Then on to the next day.

I have the privilege of being in the cross hairs of her verbal rifle if she is still awake when I finally get to bed.

One glimmer I decided two nights ago:  after the kids are asleep, I get out of the house and take a walk.  She's so tired from all her meds, she's laying in bed/in her lair, so I am trying to make the most of it.  Last night I watched some you tube songs that make me feel a little better.

But I just don't feel any good vibes with this situation.  I am isolating myself from my coworkers because of the shame I feel is broadcasting out of me like a beacon. I am having a bad enough day, and it's almost time to leave work and go home and see and deal with her again.

I thought I was strong enough to work it out, but I don't think so now.

[Surnia]

Hi Gary

Tough situation - there is a lot you are doing to make everything work, I would feel exhausted too. 

I think what you did 2 nights ago could be something: Going for a walk alone. Some moments of good care for yourself, this is so important. We cannot just give and give... . we need to recharge. Perhaps you can try to get some routine into some recharging moments for yourself?

The P said all we do is fight: I agreed, saying it happens the minute I get home from work, nights and weekends.  Also on the phone as well. 

Did the P give you some hints how to stop the fighting?

I think Validation is a great tool, and sometimes we try to stop first all the arguing, explaining.

Here you can find more about it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.0

[gary seven]

"The chiding and such is just bait.  Our SOs know what to put on the hook to get us to bite... . they also change up the lures in case the first few casts come up with nothing.  When the gauntlet starts to comw off, that's our cue to start leaving.  If we ante up and decide to throw in and mess it up with them, we've already lost.  We've sunk down to their level to play their game.  We need to play by our own rules.  Stick to your guns and take the high road.  When you feel your pulse rising, just shut up and breath deep.  When get frusrated and work from the flight/fight part of our brain, our creative abilities are shot.  We can't reach in our toolbox and pick out the correct tool... . when we're flooded with the same thoughts they are, we just want to reach in, grab the first thing we can find, and start swinging it wildly.  Don't match their emotional ante.  Don't join in the discussion and try to justify yourself.  Fly above the emotional carnage... . you'll sleep better and live longer!"

Surnia:

Although I include a lot of holistic thinking in my every day work, I really appreciate you taking the time to point me to the above gem... . from 2009.

I may not be saying this properly, but I believe I am going to see the quote as a meditative/Eastern thought re-direction.  Like this morning when she asked three times " Should I take the kids to school," when that is what the normal routine should be.  It was bait and I fell for it, since we were running late and I have a lot of pressures as already spewed out. I blew up today.  And I knew it.  That's so not the me I want to be.  I can't always be Caractacus Pott, but I will try again with the help of this tool.

So, I am printing the above mantra and staring a file at work for me to practice.

It's hard to get an old dog to learn a new trick, but I think I will feel oh so much better for it.

Oh, BTW, I took another walk last night, about 11pm, by myself.  Almost looking forward to doing it again tonight!

[Surnia]

Gary seven

its sometimes quite difficult not take the bait, I know, I know. And sometimes we miss it. Thats okay.

Great you did another walk. In my experience it helps to be stable in all the chaos when you have some quality time with yourself. 

[maxsterling]

I hear ya about the exhaustion thing.  I feel like my list of things I need or want to do is not onto several pages long.  My problem is like yours - I come home from work, and then it's up to me to decide what we are to eat, then I do almost all of the cleaning up, and then she wants to do something together.  I only get a few minutes a week to do the things I wand to do for me.  Weekends are hell, because I have a list of chores I need to get done, while she waits for me to entertain her.  So Saturday by noon, she is antsy to get out of the house. So we go somewhere.  And then that evening she wants to watch a movie, and Sunday the same thing.  By Sunday night I lay down and realize I've checked only two things off my list.  The next week we do it all over again.

I'm a guy who lived by himself for nearly two decades, took care of his own needs, managed his own schedule.  I enjoy the company, but man - this type of "I need you for everything" scenario has sucked me dry.  Like you, I'm struggling just to find a few hours a week.  And unless I have some kind of set schedule of something to do, she will guilt trip me into why I am not spending time with her.  What's saved me the past few months is her falling asleep by 9:30 and waking up late.  Just that hour before work and that hour and a half after she goes to bed have helped me recharge.  Of course, I can't live like this forever and something has to change.

[gary seven]

.  I only get a few minutes a week to do the things I wand to do for me.  Weekends are hell, because I have a list of chores I need to get done, while she waits for me to entertain her.


Like you, I'm struggling just to find a few hours a week.  And unless I have some kind of set schedule of something to do, she will guilt trip me into why I am not spending time with her.  What's saved me the past few months is her falling asleep by 9:30 and waking up late.  Just that hour before work and that hour and a half after she goes to bed have helped me recharge.  Of course, I can't live like this forever and something has to change.

Max:

Here's hoping we both get through this weekend with some space to ourselves.

Yeah, when my SO falls asleep early, I relish the quiet.  I soon may start reading a book.  What I have taken to is taking nighttime short walks out of the house, with cell, house keys and a flashlight.

I have started calling my friends and making dinner plans with them alone once or twice a month.

I now just put it on the calendar without seeking approval if there is nothing already scheduled.

[an0ught]

Hi Gary,

Different strategies have been attempted by P, but because I have a medical background, she expects me to detail her like a pharmaceutical rep or research lab about each medication the P prescribes, why, and the side effect profiles.  Telling her she is smart enough to just google the med and read it for herself is obviously not satisfactory.

The P said all we do is fight: I agreed, saying it happens the minute I get home from work, nights and weekends.  Also on the phone as well. 

The P is right, I am trying to use the skills here, just was the L5 workshop on validation, but to tell you all the truth, I am exhausted. 

not really surprising you are exhausted. You are carrying too much responsibility and are not able to live up to your own expectation and feel frustrated.

Validation is no miracle cure. Boundaries are no miracle cure either. Together they can be powerful. At the moment you rely too much on understanding and validation. She is belligerent and seeks conflict - unless you are super skilled you will not raise up to the level of emotional display to validate her - that would need serious acting skills. Validation works best when someone is not dysregulated much - she seem to be constantly on the edge and validating under constant fire is exhausting. And once exhausted too far you will become invalidating eventually and may even abandon her.

Boundaries are energy savers. The first few are scary but the relief is significant. Boundaries will be particularly important as

  - constant contact and fighting is an indication of weak boundaries. It takes two to fight.

  - your constant deep involvement in her medication is a sign of weak boundaries.

  - you not being able to say no to her dumping medical research on you and with it responsibility for herself on to you is a sign of weak boundaries. She forces her own duties on you and then of course all becomes your fault. While her thinking is faulty it is promoted by letting her get away with the first step.

The last one is interesting as you seem to have a healthy sense of what is right but still are not able to stop her pushing you. Gary, you are frustrated and are even considering giving up. And possibly you should. And possibly you should consider what is important to you and how to protect that with boundaries. Getting serious with boundaries is no easy thing - can't change everything in a day - getting started with a few key ones. Relationships have been turn around that way and broken up too.

I thought I was strong enough to work it out, but I don't think so now.

Nobody is strong enough to overcome the problems in a pwBPD. We are only strong enough to manage ourselves. Only your wive can fix herself if she chooses so. Giving up on carrying her load is not failure but self preservation. Stopping her abusing you is not stopping her using abuse to regulate her emotion - is stopping enabling her and giving her incentive to adopt healthier coping mechanisms.

Recovery of our relationships starts with ourselves. Your kids need a strong dad - protect him 

[gary seven]

Validation is no miracle cure. Boundaries are no miracle cure either. Together they can be powerful. At the moment you rely too much on understanding and validation. She is belligerent and seeks conflict - unless you are super skilled you will not raise up to the level of emotional display to validate her - that would need serious acting skills. Validation works best when someone is not dysregulated much - she seem to be constantly on the edge and validating under constant fire is exhausting. And once exhausted too far you will become invalidating eventually and may even abandon her.

Boundaries are energy savers. The first few are scary but the relief is significant. She forces her own duties on you and then of course all becomes your fault. While her thinking is faulty it is promoted by letting her get away with the first step.

Nobody is strong enough to overcome the problems in a pwBPD. We are only strong enough to manage ourselves. Only your wive can fix herself if she chooses so. Giving up on carrying her load is not failure but self preservation. Stopping her abusing you is not stopping her using abuse to regulate her emotion - is stopping enabling her and giving her incentive to adopt healthier coping mechanisms.

Recovery of our relationships starts with ourselves. Your kids need a strong dad - protect him 

an0ught:

Can I thank you for validating what is evolving into my current truth?

She is unvalidatable. 

I have tried my best to validate her, buying her flowers for our anniversary and  buying her a card as well (both of which she steadfastly abhors, you know because flowers die and home-crafted cards cost less since she has a ton of card crafts she has accumulated on multiple clearance trips to Michaels and such places).

I now know I need to focus now in building/setting  boundaries.  Can't do the validating.

For instance it was agreed I would be at work today to study by 9:30.

Well the kids woke us up at 6:30 and I fell back to sleep, and woke up at 9. (She was unable to fall back asleep, naturally, and stayed in bed until I got up, then of course complained she had been up since 6:30, "because of the new medications"

I told her "I gotta go," she says "what, no breakfast with the family?"

So I said fine, I stay home the hour for family breakfast , but I am going to add another hour onto the end of my studying."

She was spitting nails, but that is how today will play out. 

I found a public library that's on my way home that'll be open for enough time for me to study the hour.

She has called twice about how she feels at home.  I let her speak about 4 minutes and then tell her I gotta go back to studying (and finish this note).

Just one small step.  It really feels good, and gives me a break.  I'm still a novice at this, and will continue to peruse the boards to find myself the comfort and thoughts and the learning that is involved with me, her, and protecting my kids.

Thanks again,

G7

[an0ught]

She is unvalidatable. 

We all are at time. Dealing with BPD requires high situational awareness. What is validating now may be invalidating in another situation. That is one reason we want to validate - any understanding of where our pwBPD is helps us to adjust our response. And when we validate and get no reaction - well we know it is time to switch tools.