custody eval today

[david]

Went to a custody eval today. It was the second one for me and the first one with ex. The evaluator started by going over xBPDw concerns that she has with me. Most were complete nonsense and it was easy to show that her concerns are not real. Basically she is telling lies. 1) Kids will be kicked out of their school since we live in different school districts if I get 505 or more custody. I explained the state law which actually says if parents live in two different districts and both parents agree on which school they go to then that is the school they go to. Further, if one parent has more custodial time we can have a judge write in an order which school they go to and there will be no additional expenses since one party is already paying the property taxes in that district. I explained my atty assured me that is the way it works. 2) Kids are not allowed on her health insurance unless they are both on her tax return as a dependent. I simply said that wasn't true and if it was I would like to see the evidence stating that.

We turned to my two major concerns 1) Kids do over 90% of the school work when with me and I want more time to help them. About half of what she does with our 10 year old is wrong and that has me spending more time with him to correct the things he didn't understand. Ex countered by reading his teachers comments on his report card saying how great it was that he completes all of his homework ? I sat there realizing she is making my point. I felt like saying thank you to her but I didn't think that would be good in front of the evaluator. She then went on saying and this is a direct quote, " I already did fourth grade homework and I don't intend on doing it again". I kid you not, she really did say that out loud. I had summarized all the homeworks for the year of both of our boys. It showed the number of homeworks done with me and the number done with their mom. I also had the number that was incorrect and was corrected when with me. He asked if I had further evidence. I told him I had every homework copied at home but didn't bring them with me since he required triple copies of everything. That would be over 300 pages and I didn't think that made sense unless he actually wanted to see each one. I said I had no problem making the copies if he wanted and I would bring them next time we were there. He said that was fine. He asked why I needed more time during the school year and I explained our routine. He spent most of the time addressing their school work which is my main focus. It seemed to me that he got what I was driving at. Ex also blamed S15 for failing to do his homework and that he should be responsible enough to do it. He missed 10 homeworks when with her and missed one when with me. She took no responsibilty for anything. I am detached enough now to really see who I was married to. What the H*** was I thinking back then.

[david]

Second concern, SS35 was arrested in June for distribution of a controlled substance. Ex denied he was ever arrested and blamed me for making up lies. I gave the arresting officers names. I explained further that we were supposed to go to court last Sept but this has been taking longer than anticipated. SS35 was subpoenad to appear in Sept. When he got the subpoena his criminal defense atty called my atty and explained he would plead the fifth for any question he was asked. The eval asked ex how I could be making all this up. Ex went on about something (changed the subject) and never really gave an answer.

We have to go back again in a few weeks. I plan on having evidence supporting everything I said just in case.

[david]

SS35 lives with his mom, doesn't work, and is extremely volatile. Has a serious substance abuse issue that I have documeneted evidence.

[PinkieV]

David, it sounds like your persistence, documentation, and calm demeanor are starting to pay off - congrats!

[momtara]

Sounds very good.  I hope it matters to the judge too!  Your ex's fourth grade homework comment was duuuumb.

[david]

Ex said a lot of things that made no sense. She didn't answer a lot of the questions the evaluator asked her. She deflected and changed the direction of the conversation. What struck me the most is that it was so obvious to me. She was just like she was years ago. The difference was in me. I heard what she was and wasn't saying.                                                                        She flat our denied that SS35 was arrested for trying to distribute. I remembered I have an email from my attorney in which he told me the arresting officer (he included his name) called him and said he would not terstify since SS was a confidential informant. My atty sent him a subpoena. I plan on giving that to the eval next time. The thing is I sent an email to ex telling her everything I learned about his problems months ago when I first learned about it. She , of course denied it all, and I replied that I was hoping we could do something to get him help. She again said I was being abusive by making false allegations.

[maxen]

Ex said a lot of things that made no sense. She didn't answer a lot of the questions the evaluator asked her. She deflected and changed the direction of the conversation.

but the evaluator wasn't snowed, right? you're confident that he saw this evasion?

What struck me the most is that it was so obvious to me. She was just like she was years ago. The difference was in me. I heard what she was and wasn't saying.

i'm just now coming to accept something the same about my stbxw. during the marriage i saw all the problems one by one and absorbed them one by one. but now i'm seeing just how pervasive a pattern of emotional disorder there was. it's clarifying, it's very helpful.

[david]

I plan on bringing up some of the discussions again in a new manner. Ex's two "concerns" can easily be rectified and I will be giving the solutions in a very simple manner. I also plan on addressing some of the things that were said in the last meeting. The evaluator indicated he was open to that if it led to solutions.

[david]

I get an email from ex yesterday saying she wants S15 this Thursday during my time. She wants to take him to college night at high school. I already had plans to do that and let her know. She replied she will be there. She hasn't been involved in anything involving their education for the last two years and I have everything documented. My take is she realized the eval didn't go well and she is trying to make it look good. I will still be going. I plan on having my audio recorder in my pocket (turned on) the entire time just in case she tries something. These are the times I am most concerned because of past events and her false allegations.

[momtara]

Bet you a buck she doesn't show up anyway. 

[ForeverDad]

Would evaluator get the facetious point if you asked whether you could have ongoing monthly evaluations until the kids are grown so mother would be more consistently involved?

[david]

If she does show ( and I wouldn't put money on it ) I think I will let ex bring it up at the eval meeting and then point out this is the first time she has involved herself in anything involving the kids in over two years. Have to think of the best way to word it.

[david]

I just remembered. A few weeks ago ex sent an email saying S10 had a pain in his leg. She made a doc appointment for him on my time. She said she would take him out of school in the afternoon and asked where we could meet for me to pick him up. So far so good, right. Well I picked up S15 at school and was on my way to her place since S15 had something he needed for homework at her place. I told him to call. He called and she didn't answer. She called back a few minutes later and told him she was out shopping. I called the doc and she did make an appointment earlier that day. I picked S10 up at school. I could see down the hall he was walking fine. As he got closer, (as he seen me) , he developed an limp. He insisted his leg hurt real bad. I took him to the doc. Doc found nothing. I suggested he get a B12 shot and explained the size of the needle. Within minutes his leg started feeling better. I rarely get caught up in that kind of nonsense anymore.

[sfbayjed]

You should definitely let the elevator know about her making dr appointments on your time.  My ex has been relentless  about being over zealous about medical appointments. She would change appointments to her time or make an appointment if the kids are home with a cold and say I had to take them, which was just a was to harass me pretty much. It is just one more example of her behavior.  

Sounds like you are doing well though, it is a long slow possess but seems like you are on the right track.  

[david]

Been busy. I recieved a call from S10's school Thurs. He was sick. The nurse said she called ex 4 times and left a message. She also called ex's place of employment twice. The second time they told the nurse she was not scheduled that day. I told the nurse I would be there in about 15 minutes since I was already picking up S15 at school. I picked S10 up and went to their mom's since this was my weekend and they had things there they wanted. Ex had a bag out front with their things. Her car was in the driveway. S15 got the things and we left. Ex sends an email accusing me of keeping S10 away from her and she is a nurse. Apparently, she listened to the voicemail when she woke up and went to the school. That was an hour after I picked him up. I gave her the info above without explaining anything. Just the facts. I also asked if she would like to pick S15 up and take him to college night. She, as I expected, declined saying it was too late. It wasn't. I recieved another email accusing me of not communicating, keeping the boys away, realying messages through the boys, and threatening to give the email communication to the custody evaluator. There were more accusations and passive/aggressive remarks in her email. I stayed focused on the facts. If she doesn't bring the email at the next eval meeting I will have a copy. S10 has a bug and is getting better. I have taken care of both boys before when they were ill so this is nothing new. I've done this for years. I've taken the boys to the pediatrician, dentist, etc. before. Of course, ex is a nurse and is stressed about things so she goes into attack mode. The email is a microcosm of the last six plus years. She expressed concern about me picking S15 up on Friday and leaving S10 alone by himself. Like I would do that. She talked to S10 this morning and she told him she had soup ( not homemade but store bought) and ginger ale at her place and to tell dad to pick it up when he picks S15 up. I decided to send an email letting her know what I was told by S10. I asked if she could pick S15 up at school and drop him off with the supplies so I can stay with S10. She, of course, declined. My brother stayed with S10 when I picked up S15. I went to ex's so S15 could get something of his. His mom gave him a bag full of soup, ginger ale, crackers, etc. that she had run out and bought just for S10. When I got home I checked my emails and ex wanted to know why I left a sick child at home by himself. I stopped replying since I had enough.

[sfbayjed]

My ex is a nurse also, she made sure everyone knew it too "I'm a Nurse", she would always say, seems kind of funny now.   

A good strategy might be to only answer her emails if you need to relay necessary information and ignore the distortions and accusations all together as far as she is concerned.  Yet, be documenting as much as possible and gathering the evidence you need to prove she is making things up, and expect that if the emails stop working in harassing you, that she may try something else to get to you.

[david]

Actually my ex is a registered nurse. If you say she is a nurse she will correct you. I found it quirky when we were together. Now I believe it is to make herself feel more important or better about herself.

I ignore the accusations in her emails. I have so much practice at it I don't even think about it anymore. Years ago I used to try to defend myself with each accusation.

[Waddams]

You should reply why she'd leave a sick child at school since the nurse kept calling and she wouldn't answer.

[david]

Apparently, from her email she was napping. The kids say she sleeps a lot when they are there. Before she ran away in 2007 she admitted herself to a mental health facility. She was there for a weekend and they wanted her there longer. They tried to keep her there longer but she refused. The facility went to court. I was not allowed in the hearing but their atty talked to me. The atty explained that she would be released unless she told the judge she was going to hurt herself. When she was going to the facilty I called our "marriage counselor" to tell her what was happening. The "mc" told me to tell the doc she was diagnosed with major depression with pschosis, sleep deprivation, and PTSD. Later the "mc" told me I couldn't be seen anymore since ex was her client. Yea, it sounded twisted to me too. I learned about BPD after all of this. The evaluator will be seeing both boys and the fact that she sleeps a lot when they are with her will be something I will let the evaluator know beforehand.

[Waddams]

yeah, i figured she was sleeping.  i was being more sarcastic.  we need the "sarcastica" font for posts here!

can you get some kind of written documentation from the school about trying to contact her?  the number of calls, both to home and work?  and then be able to show how the incident supports your napping claims and how it's escalated to the point that it can put the kids at risk on her parenting time?  it's important to tie everything back to how it effects the kids negatively.  any issue that doesn't have a negative effect on kids is probably better to not argue about.

[david]

Ex sent several nasty emails about this situation. I did reply that the nurse called her 4 times on her cell and twice at her place of employment. I also pointed out that we drove to her place to pick the boys things up. Her car was in the driveway and I assumed she was sleeping since she wasn't answering her phone. Ex replied that I should have called and left a message because when she woke up she played her messages and immediately went to the school without calling the school. It was over an hour from the time I picked him up and was past my normal pick up time at his school anyway. She was ticked off because she went to the school and then found out I already picked him up. I normally don't reply as much to emails but I figured I would let her document why I don't email as much. She had quite a few accusations and digs at me in her emails which I just ignored. The exchanges pretty much verify why I don't engage in her emails that often. I have years of examples but I didn't have a recent one so I figured this would show she is the same person she has been for the last 6 plus years.

Reading The Art of War is a really useful book for situations like this.

[ForeverDad]

Her napping would be more of an issue if the children were young.  It's not like her sleeping all the time would be letting toddlers go outside and wander into busy streets.  If they're pre-teens it may lend mesh with the lack of homework involvement, but at their ages she may not be seen as 'neglecting' the children in a directly actionable CPS-style way.

[Nope]

David,

Good call on getting recent documentation. It's important to do that every so often to combat future claims that you don't communicate. That's what my step kids mom is trying to claim right now. She sees her attempts to pick fights with their dad over nothing as coparenting. So her story becomes, "I try to coparent but he won't respond." 

[livednlearned]

I agree with FD. Not saying it's important that she responds to her phone, but my ex has accused me of similar stuff, and it backfired on him. Sometimes, bad behavior is just bad behavior, but not necessarily worthy of court intervention. If she was napping, and missed the calls, and one parent picked up the child, they are not going to see neglect in that. They could perceive david as being stuck in combat mode over relatively minor issues.

I just worry that you make yourself look bad. 

[david]

"If she was napping, and missed the calls, and one parent picked up the child, they are not going to see neglect in that."

I agree. Her emails to me after the fact show she is still in attack mode. I ignore the attacks and just reply with facts about S10. The dialogue is what I think is the real issue. I stick to the 3 to 5 sentence rule and she rambles on about all kinds of things mostly about what is wrong with me. She does mention S10 but that is briefly. My replies address S10 only and the issue at hand.

It's the reason I keep physical distance and only communicate through email. It's the safest way to "co parent".

[livednlearned]

"If she was napping, and missed the calls, and one parent picked up the child, they are not going to see neglect in that."

I agree. Her emails to me after the fact show she is still in attack mode. I ignore the attacks and just reply with facts about S10. The dialogue is what I think is the real issue. I stick to the 3 to 5 sentence rule and she rambles on about all kinds of things mostly about what is wrong with me. She does mention S10 but that is briefly. My replies address S10 only and the issue at hand.

It's the reason I keep physical distance and only communicate through email. It's the safest way to "co parent".

You do a really good job of detachment, david.

Similar to what you're experiencing, N/BPDx's attack emails became a problem for him. The judge saw that he could not control his anger long after the divorce, and that was a  .

What I also found is that N/BPDx brought his own emails in as evidence that there was something wrong with me. He would write "Lots of things are wrong with LnL. Here's my email to her saying these things to her. That's proof."



Judge kept saying, "Mr. N/BPDx, we can read these emails. You do not need LnL to read aloud emails that we can all read."

[david]

My T, this site, and time to sort things out helped me detach and that was the biggest thing that let me help our two boys. The custody eval was the first time in over two years that ex and I were tiogether. I could tell she was still absorbed with getting me. It was an eye awakening experience.