I think my BPD boyfriend is burning himself with cigarettes/need advise

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night as I was leaving work I was chatting with my boyfriend and right before I left he said ,basically out of no where that he was being psychically attacked. I didnt know what he meant, I just knew it didnt sound good. I wasnt able to talk to him about it at the time because I had to stay late for work 3 extra hours and I had one of the worse sinus headaches ever. I told him I was really concerned and that I would check in on him if he was still up when I got home.  

                 When I got home he was still up, it was 2 in morning for him which is usually for him unusual to be up at this hour.  I asked him what he meant by psychically attacked and he said he would explain it to me in the morning, and basically it meant he has some kind of sensitivity issue. Hes been labeling himself with this description for quite awhile as if he is this specially effect diamond gem or something.  Just more clues or validation to me that he is a BPD.  

                       Anyways, I finally got a hold of him tonight. He didnt write me all day which I thought was unusual and I didnt want to write him unless he felt he wanted to, plus I got a bit nervous after I looked up psychic attack on google for myself.  I really think hes making this up in a way where he wants to believe this is happening to him, but actually I dont think it really is. I think its part of his drama for attention. And I have to admit I was not happy about it and was not into validating this experience to him in the least because the sirens in my head kept yelling "hog wash"!      I was also afraid to talk to him this morning because I had no clue how he was going to be.  Was he going to split on me? and acuse me of attacking him? Who knows.

                        Finally I got a hold him tonight and he said he could hardly keep his eyes open and that he had been sleeping most the afternoon. Sometimes I never know if Im hearing the truth or a some form of evasion from him because he told me last night he would explain what he was going through to me today and never contacted me. I was kind of glad,  but anyways when I did get to talk to him I gently asked him questions as to what was going on with him last night and was he all right.   Well,  he blankly answers that he doesnt know what Im talking about.  Then he said he couldnt remember and forgot all about it. Another thing I think he was fibbing about.  Then I reminded him and how  Id been worried about him all day because last night he made it sound pretty darn serious.  I asked him what happened.  I asked him what it felt like.  He said his face was burning,  <something I saw on google on the indicator list. I think he just read and adopted for himself from another source,  and that he had 2 burns on his arm that looked like they were done with a cigarette.  He seems to be inferring that some dark out side force did this to him.

He lights 2 candles in his room when he goes to bed. I asked him did you have the candles burning last night and he said yes. I dont think he was thinking  what I was thinking, but Im sure you all know what Im thinking.  He said they were on the out side part of his arms like he was crossing his arms over his face to protect himself.  I honestly think he thinks some out side force is doing this to him.   and then he claims he has no memory of this happening last night,but he has the burns. He tried to get me to think that because he was on line last night and looking up classified information about the British Navy,  that "they"  who ever they is ,  is out to get him and did this. I guess through their special powers.

                         Can I have a reality check here.  He did this!  He did this to himself. What else could this be?

  Could he be walking in his sleep? or going into serious BPD states that he doesnt remember. Is this possible? Or does he just like to create this drama he really wants to believe and hurts himself on purpose to get the attention.       How should I handle this?  and then through all this, he tells me not to worry about it because this happens to him all the time.  When I saw him 6 months ago, I only saw one mark on his arm and it could have been caused by anything, falling into a tree... .you know, tripping on a step and falling. And oh ya. another important obvious detail.  He smokes rolled cigarettes all the time, night and day.

                       And last but not least, if he is doing this to himself, which you know, come on... . how else could it happen. He lives alone.  Why is he doing this to himself? Why do BPD's hurt themselves?    What should I do?  

[goingtostopthis]

Last night as I was leaving work I was chatting with my boyfriend and right before I left he said ,basically out of no where that he was being psychically attacked. I didnt know what he meant, I just knew it didnt sound good. I wasnt able to talk to him about it at the time because I had to stay late for work 3 extra hours and I had one of the worse sinus headaches ever. I told him I was really concerned and that I would check in on him if he was still up when I got home.  

                 When I got home he was still up, it was 2 in morning for him which is usually for him unusual to be up at this hour.  I asked him what he meant by psychically attacked and he said he would explain it to me in the morning, and basically it meant he has some kind of sensitivity issue. Hes been labeling himself with this description for quite awhile as if he is this specially effect diamond gem or something.  Just more clues or validation to me that he is a BPD.  

                       Anyways, I finally got a hold of him tonight. He didnt write me all day which I thought was unusual and I didnt want to write him unless he felt he wanted to, plus I got a bit nervous after I looked up psychic attack on google for myself.  I really think hes making this up in a way where he wants to believe this is happening to him, but actually I dont think it really is. I think its part of his drama for attention. And I have to admit I was not happy about it and was not into validating this experience to him in the least because the sirens in my head kept yelling "hog wash"!      I was also afraid to talk to him this morning because I had no clue how he was going to be.  Was he going to split on me? and acuse me of attacking him? Who knows.

                        Finally I got a hold him tonight and he said he could hardly keep his eyes open and that he had been sleeping most the afternoon. Sometimes I never know if Im hearing the truth or a some form of evasion from him because he told me last night he would explain what he was going through to me today and never contacted me. I was kind of glad,  but anyways when I did get to talk to him I gently asked him questions as to what was going on with him last night and was he all right.   Well,  he blankly answers that he doesnt know what Im talking about.  Then he said he couldnt remember and forgot all about it. Another thing I think he was fibbing about.  Then I reminded him and how  Id been worried about him all day because last night he made it sound pretty darn serious.  I asked him what happened.  I asked him what it felt like.  He said his face was burning,  <something I saw on google on the indicator list. I think he just read and adopted for himself from another source,  and that he had 2 burns on his arm that looked like they were done with a cigarette.  He seems to be inferring that some dark out side force did this to him.

He lights 2 candles in his room when he goes to bed. I asked him did you have the candles burning last night and he said yes. I dont think he was thinking  what I was thinking, but Im sure you all know what Im thinking.  He said they were on the out side part of his arms like he was crossing his arms over his face to protect himself.  I honestly think he thinks some out side force is doing this to him.   and then he claims he has no memory of this happening last night,but he has the burns. He tried to get me to think that because he was on line last night and looking up classified information about the British Navy,  that "they"  who ever they is ,  is out to get him and did this. I guess through their special powers.

                         Can I have a reality check here.  He did this!  He did this to himself. What else could this be?

  Could he be walking in his sleep? or going into serious BPD states that he doesnt remember. Is this possible? Or does he just like to create this drama he really wants to believe and hurts himself on purpose to get the attention.       How should I handle this?  and then through all this, he tells me not to worry about it because this happens to him all the time.  When I saw him 6 months ago, I only saw one mark on his arm and it could have been caused by anything, falling into a tree... .you know, tripping on a step and falling. And oh ya. another important obvious detail.  He smokes rolled cigarettes all the time, night and day.

                       And last but not least, if he is doing this to himself, which you know, come on... . how else could it happen. He lives alone.  Why is he doing this to himself? Why do BPD's hurt themselves?    What should I do?  

[waverider]

They often hurt themselves so they can have a physical pain to focus on rather than the insubstantial stuff that is going on in their heads. A point of focus if you like.

Often they feel ashamed afterwards and make up all sorts of excuses to explain it away.

Best just don't interrogate him, there is not much you can do. This is 'his stuff", if you make him feel ashamed it can often make it worse.

It is addictive behavior, the denial, projection and defensiveness that can come with it if you interfere can be worse than the self harm itself.

[goingtostopthis]

Well,


              I think its horrible.  I think his story as to why it happened is on the borderline of psychosis.  Im really angry about this.  I want to talk to him but I dont want to talk to him at the same time. I feel like Im as messed up as he is right now.  I write here and I write here and I feel like I never seem to get any real help. Now  Im just saying I feel this way,  it seems... . this way... .    At least I can still divide my feelings from what is really happening or not happening.  I "have" gotten help here,  but in this subject Im angry that you are the only one who has reached out to me about this.  This is a horrible horrible thing that happens a lot with these people and you are the only one who has something to say about it?   What kind of BPD site is this?   Im sorry, but this is just my gut reaction.     

[waverider]

I have been through this many many times via many different methods. The most delusional one was my partner biting huge chunks out of the side of her mouth, this was passed off as a genetic disease. This went on for over a year with it becoming infected. She used to have a smile like a split lemon and big lips.

Now she has a restricted mouth and barely any lips to the point that she can only eat with a teaspoon, and will need major mouth reconstruction to repair.

I knew this is what she was doing but the more I tried to talk sense into her, the more she had to prove it was mysterious diseases.

There have been many more methods of self harm, endless ODs, cuttings etc. The more I wanted to talk about it the more I was "stealing" her private issue as she put it. In her mind this was her issue and nothing to do with me. Even if at times she wanted to make me aware of it, she would then withdraw it again as she did not want her coping mechanism taken away.

Yes, you need to talk about it but maybe with someone else rather than your partner. It is their skeleton in the closet and no one likes to have their skeletons dragged out of the closet out of fear of ridicule. Your reaction to this is real and reasonable, but a pwBPD does not have a high degree of empathy. They will not allow your need for understanding override their need for relief.

I now listen when she wants to talk about her hurts, without trying to judge or fix. This seems to have taken away much of the desire to self harm. She trusts me more now that I don't make a fuss to the point she will tell me she is starting to feel like harming. and opening up often allows the feeling to dissipate. It took years to reach this stage though.

It is a hard subject and most partners and family members have a great degree of difficulty coming to terms with it. Reading about it and experiencing are are two different things.

[waverider]

This is previous discussion on self harm

BPD BEHAVIORS: Self injury and self harm