Getting a guardian ad litem, suggestions?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, my attorney and I have requested for one to review our problems during this rough, custody snatching, BPD separation.  Thankfully I have a clean record, really clean home, and lots of kid involvement in culture and projects.  So,  what is the general state of these GAL types?  Do they do a home inspection, interview, etc?  Do they typically want to interview my friends?  Just give me any insight that might be helpful.

One question I have is regarding spanking, government takes different approaches on that. I / she / we spanked on rare occasion to control each kid, I have no issue with that; do GAL's typically balk at that?

Obviously nobody can predict the future, but some here have probably ridden thru whatever surprises come up in that process.

Thanks,

[Unleashed]

Well, my attorney and I have requested for one to review our problems during this rough, custody snatching, BPD separation.  Thankfully I have a clean record, really clean home, and lots of kid involvement in culture and projects.  So,  what is the general state of these GAL types?  Do they do a home inspection, interview, etc?  Do they typically want to interview my friends?  Just give me any insight that might be helpful.

One question I have is regarding spanking, government takes different approaches on that. I / she / we spanked on rare occasion to control each kid, I have no issue with that; do GAL's typically balk at that?

Obviously nobody can predict the future, but some here have probably ridden thru whatever surprises come up in that process.

Thanks,

[ForeverDad]

I had a GAL twice, once for custody and again for majority time.  Yes, after the final decree I went back twice, not counting the contempts of court.  One thing I noticed was that many GALs are lawyers, though they're supposed to also have experience representing children.  Lawyers love settlements.  With normal cases that may work but too often in high conflict cases like ours they're half measures and don't address all the issues.  That's what happened to me, nearly a year and a half in court and I did get custody but GAL didn't want to change parenting time, saying ex might be more stable if she was able to have child support.  Yeah, you can guess, didn't change a thing.  So it was back to court for another year and a half just to get majority time.  Twice the cost too.

I guess what I'm saying is that you may want to give your reasons to the GAL explaining WHY making deals may not get to the core problems adequately.

[ugghh]

Get Splitting by Bill Eddy. Gives great advice about guiding GAL types to see problems without calling the ex just crazy.

Don't volunteer spanking unless asked.   Now is not the time to fall on your sword, your kids need you.   In general be honest with GAL. If asked about spanking, remember your ex could and probably will lie. However, that being said if you are being honest it should framed in terms of being a last resort, limited in duration, used infrequently, other methods used, connecting actions to consequences, etc.   I suggest you google or read about justification for spanking.


Kids will prob be asked. So better to be honest - but again if asked.

[PinkieV]

Does your attorney have one that he/she favors?  We gave my DH's uBPDew a choice of three, and of course she never chose, so we got the one our attorney wanted.  I really like and respect her, and not just because she recommended we keep custody.  I felt she did a very thorough job, laid out her case well, and was cautious but clear with her final determination.  Even if we hadn't received such a favorable report, we at least would have felt fairly treated.  If your attorney doesn't have first-hand knowledge, have him/her ask colleagues.

[Stuffie]

I've actually been thinking about requesting a GAL when we go back to court this summer. I've been extremely curious about the process as well!

Good luck to you!

[Unleashed]

Thanks folks.

My attorney does have a recommendation of one GAL.

Don't volunteer spanking unless asked. 

Re: spanking, that is a hot button topic in this age. My policy is: spanking is OK to control a child who will hurt himself due to hyperactivity, when other methods fail. I do not endorse spanking as a matter of authoritarian pride, humiliation, etc by a parent, or as a routine method.  One incident with one of my kids did result in a rather serious injury due to lack of control (spanking etc).  This is an area where I am no fanatic, but rather a logical problem solver type. Hopefully the GAL understands my position above.  actually, if there is any area where wife and I agree, it is the above.  But... . wife was tangled with a cult that took fanatical pride approach to spanking (and domestic violence between spouses oddly enough). I vigorously oppose anyone taking pride in "how we hit our kids", that approach is immature/counterproductive.


Dealing with a GAL, I'd probably assert my above position, eh?  I should not be a doormat and submit to a potential view that differs?  One weakness is that I can get calm, verbally articulate, and run over therapists, etc.  I shall try to not do this with the GAL.

Yeah, you can guess, didn't change a thing.

  That is one fear, marriage counselors have been weak in taking charge properly. It's like they want a display of client satisfaction only, even if it is outside of reality, or reasonable conduct. Like if you leave the office not divorced you improve their stats... .   I hope GAL's can be more objective.

[ForeverDad]

Your lawyer represents you, not you and the children.  Your spouse's lawyer represents your spouse, not spouse and the children.  A Guardian ad Litem is the children's lawyer.

That should be simple enough, but many here have seen GALs try to please everyone with an eye on settlements and we all know who, at least at first, can be more emotionally convincing, emotionally compelling and emotionally pressuring.

[ugghh]

Unleashed,  the answer you posted is spot on.  It acknowledges that you recognize spanking but are loathe to resort to it.

On the GAL, if your attorney has any experience at all they should be able to help guide the choice to one that they trust.

[Nope]

We have a GAL now on our case. In a way we are lucky and unlucky that we live three states away. Lucky because if the GAL sees the issues for what they are we will get a huge amount of majority time due to distance. Unlucky because the bar for moving kids three states away from the woman who gave birth to them is a lot higher than if majority time just meant weekend visits with her. But all of this means that the GAL can't offer unsatisfactory and meaningless compromises since the children's health and safety are an issue.

From what I've seen so far, if you get one that is a lawyer it's best to really have documentation and evidence on your side. I think they think of themselves as mini judges.

[Unleashed]

3 states away, wow.  I've always wondered how such a complex topic as divorce can be made to happen when a different state and laws are involved.  Good luck... .   So do really distant custody cases try to set up to exchange the kids once every month, less often, etc?  School?  I am interested generally, and there is a slight chance that mine would dart.  Some BPD'ers can more easily manage a reputation when starting fresh, eh? 

[Nope]

3 states away, wow.  I've always wondered how such a complex topic as divorce can be made to happen when a different state and laws are involved.  Good luck... .   So do really distant custody cases try to set up to exchange the kids once every month, less often, etc?  School?  I am interested generally, and there is a slight chance that mine would dart.  Some BPD'ers can more easily manage a reputation when starting fresh, eh? 

Both parties (I'm the kid's step mom) moved out of the original state they divorced in. BPDmom ended up back in her home state and their dad ended up getting a good job three states away after he got out of the military. Since the original state was across the country, he had given BPDmom consent to move. 

The way custody stuff works is that jurisdiction is based on where the children reside. She refused him access to the children for more than a year until he signed a parenting plan she would agree to out of desperation. So he agreed to be responsible for 2/3 of transportation. This also only applies to every other Christmas, every other spring break, and for six weeks of summer parenting time. If he wants to see them more he has to go all the way out and get two hotel rooms, pay for all gas and food and activities to keep them for the weekend. Which, if he can afford it, I'd only allowed one weekend a month.

And then she screams at him that he never helps *her* get extra time with the kids.

[PinkieV]

We are two states away and after 10+ years of severe parental alienation! my DH got emergency custody when BM went to jail for a year - what luck! 

[Nope]

We've finally had some luck of our own. DF talked to the GAL last night and she made it pretty clear that she sees right through BPD mom's lies and distortions. She also seems to see that it would be in their best interest to move them. But she also implied that she is going to have to so some hard thinking about how she wants to word thisin her report so that a judge will really get it and understand that it is necessary.

[livednlearned]

Don't just trust your lawyer's recommendation for a GAL. Ask around. Call the clerk at the family law court. You'll start to hear the same names over and over. Usually it is pretty obvious who is good, and who isn't.

My L was adamant about not using a GAL, but I'm in a state where there are parenting coordinators, and that was the strategy she wanted for my case.

In her opinion, GALs have very uneven training, and the quality can be terrible. In my state, there are no education or experience criteria to become a GAL, and they get about 30 hours of training. They are not lawyers. They are often overburdened, and can suffer from terrible burnout dealing with awful cases of child abuse, sexual molestation, serious neglect. Some of them can be petty tyrants -- they have no training, but lots of power. Not saying all of them do, there are obviously good ones. But it's a pretty lousy system when someone who has so little training can have such a big impact on your case. If you can, be proactive about who is selected. Or see if you can get your L to recommend three -- all of them vetted by you. Then let your ex pick one of them so she feels like she has some control.

A third-party professional can make or break your case.

[suffering_parent]

In my county there was a women who volunteered as a GAL.   She had been doing it for many years solely out of the interest of kids.

It only cost me her expenses and she was amazing.   She literally saved my kids lives.   She dug deep into our case and was super observant even though she is like 70 yrs old.

She was recommended to me by my lawyer.   She has kept in touch with a genuine interest in my children.   This is the kind of GAL you want.   One that is really there to protect the children.