What to divorce, going to divorce, feeling paralyzed...

[Mike76]

I know for my own personal mental health, healthy productive life, etc, I need to begin the divorce process.

I feel frozen in fear, I am not sure of why.  (Not for person safety reasons).

For the first time she mentioned she was willing to attend DBT, but it is to late for me. I can see her attempting to do some things differently in the last 2 weeks, but it no way does it begin erase the past.   She told me last week I can see her mistakes, but I can tell she has not clue what it is going to fix these things.  The few conversations we have had reflecting back, they are really just the same.

Maybe I feel guilty and ashamed of divorcing.  Divorce really does suck... . but I do believe better that I have going on now.

I do have the books "I Hate you Don't Leave Me" and "Splitting". I have read in the past be, have no strength to read again.

I am so tired, exhausted, I have no effort to move forward in any direction.

I can move into my parents, but so desperately wish I had an apartment I could move into.

I am depressed... . probably a bit. I took a few weeks off from my individual consular, but we meet later this week.   

[ForeverDad]

Promises can string you along... . Actions are what count.

Is she doing this because she can sense your attitude is different?  Expert controllers and manipulators are very good at sensing a shift in the moods and perspectives of those around them.

My ex never accepted responsibility for her actions toward the end, she had stopped apologizing over a year before the end - and demanded I apologize every time she became offended over any disagreement.  It was total Denial and total Blame-Shifting.

[froggy]

Mike76... . I soo know how you feel. I know I need to get out... . I know it's for my own sanity. ... it's terrifying the thought of just getting the process going.

I think looking at the whole big picture is overwhelming. ... have to break it up into smaller tasks.

I've lived in this disfunction for 33 years and not sure I know how to do normal.

I've been dealing with my own depression so I can get myself moving slowly in the right direction... looking at how much money I will need to move and how much it will cost me to file... .

One step at a time I guess

[Mike76]

Promises can string you along... . Actions are what count.

Is she doing this because she can sense your attitude is different?  Expert controllers and manipulators are very good at sensing a shift in the moods and perspectives of those around them.

My ex never accepted responsibility for her actions toward the end, she had stopped apologizing over a year before the end - and demanded I apologize every time she became offended over any disagreement.  It was total Denial and total Blame-Shifting.

Forever dad, My dBPDw has never accepted responsibility until now.  For the past 5.5 years (6 years marriage),  she is telling me she only acting differently because she does not me to divorce me.  I was also blamed for every disagreement until now, only now has she now only tells maybe I looked at things incorrectly.

Mike76... . I soo know how you feel. I know I need to get out... . I know it's for my own sanity. ... it's terrifying the thought of just getting the process going.

I think looking at the whole big picture is overwhelming. ... have to break it up into smaller tasks.

I've lived in this disfunction for 33 years and not sure I know how to do normal.

I've been dealing with my own depression so I can get myself moving slowly in the right direction... looking at how much money I will need to move and how much it will cost me to file... .

One step at a time I guess

Well said froggy. At least for me... . I do not know that there is normal... . but if there is one I not have it.

Money in part issue for me,   lawyers, 2 places to live until she sign the papers, spousal support, etc.

__________hit

I have realized the grudges she has felt to others and me, I now have started to feel against her and the people she has felt them towards.  It is no way to live,   I need out soon before it destroys me anymore.  

[livednlearned]

I feel frozen in fear, I am not sure of why.  (Not for person safety reasons).

Divorce brings about a lot of change. It's normal to feel fear! And walking on eggshells for a long time can really put you in a chronic state of anxiety and worry.

Maybe I feel guilty and ashamed of divorcing.  Divorce really does suck... . but I do believe better that I have going on now.

Also normal feelings, but they can be even harder for people ending BPD relationships because of the heightened levels of FOG in the dynamic. It's a really really good idea to have a T while you're going through this, to help check your thinking. A lot of us sabotage ourselves because we feel guilty, and there can be longterm ramifications that look like dumb decisions once we're out of the thickest FOG.

I am so tired, exhausted, I have no effort to move forward in any direction.

I can move into my parents, but so desperately wish I had an apartment I could move into.

It gets better. It's a transition that few people want to make -- but it does get better. Walking into a house without conflict is one of the best gifts I've ever given myself. A lot of the exhaustion you feel may lift just from moving out.

Curious, though, why you are the one who has to move out?

[Unleashed]

Mike and Froggy, I understand the uncertainly of you initiating... .

For the first time she mentioned she was willing to attend DBT, but it is to late for me. I can see her attempting to do some things differently in the last 2 weeks, but it no way does it begin erase the past.   She told me last week I can see her mistakes, but I can tell she has not clue what it is going to fix these things.  The few conversations we have had reflecting back, they are really just the same.

Mine would submit to, 1) confessions, 2) therapy, 3) attempting to be productive, when she knew I was moments from divorcing.  It never lasted, these are possibly last ditch efforts to contain you.  I cannot speculate on your full details, but the last minute submission to the abusee is a classic of mine --> Questions: Why is she willing to attend DBT now, and not much earlier?  Was your pain not valid earlier, but is valid now? This just happens to be the magical moment of her cooperation, but earlier you weren't worth it>  The questions are rhetorical, not for asking.  3 months apart and she is not doing much nice now, but I have peace... .  

Hang in there.

[Mike76]

Curious, though, why you are the one who has to move out?

She tell me she refuses to agree with this divorce process and never sign papers.  If I wish to start moving things along I will need to move out.  

If it starts the divorce process, I am willing to move out.

We probably would have been selling the house anyways this year because, it is said "I am a failure and do not make enough of money to live in our house AND have her sit at home and not work ever day. "

[maxen]

I have realized the grudges she has felt to others and me, I now have started to feel against her and the people she has felt them towards.  It is no way to live,   I need out soon before it destroys me anymore. 

very wise of you Mike. my w hoarded her feelings, i became resentful, and it ate at me and my life stalled. you're got good insight.

[ForeverDad]

Forever dad, My dBPDw has never accepted responsibility until now.  For the past 5.5 years (6 years marriage),  she is telling me she only acting differently because she does not me to divorce me.  I was also blamed for every disagreement until now, only now has she now only tells maybe I looked at things incorrectly.

So what happened recently to change her?  Married 6 years, blaming for 5.5 years, here for 2.5 years, what's different now?  Is it that you have mentioned divorce?  So her introspection, what little there is of it, was a reaction to delay The End.  If that was the only impetus for her to even contemplate changes, it sounds like she will only do the bare minimum to keep you.  To have a healthy future together, she has to want to improve herself FOR HERSELF, not just to keep stringing you along.

[Mike76]

Forever dad, My dBPDw has never accepted responsibility until now.  For the past 5.5 years (6 years marriage),  she is telling me she only acting differently because she does not me to divorce me.  I was also blamed for every disagreement until now, only now has she now only tells maybe I looked at things incorrectly.

So what happened recently to change her?  Married 6 years, blaming for 5.5 years, here for 2.5 years, what's different now?  Is it that you have mentioned divorce?  So her introspection, what little there is of it, was a reaction to delay The End.  If that was the only impetus for her to even contemplate changes, it sounds like she will only do the bare minimum to keep you.  To have a healthy future together, she has to want to improve herself FOR HERSELF, not just to keep stringing you along.

The only thing that is different in her eyes is the fact I mentioned divorce... . She said something close to all these next statement  "I was blind before you mentioned divorce... . I pushed the envelope too far and realize the errors of my past... . I realize I was stubborn and unwilling to work in MC, but now will do anything for you not leave"

I have tried to say in a loving way too little to late, but I am failing at this step... .

I do think she is trying to delay the divorce and also the minimum to keep me.

I have told her a few times,  "nothing is going to get better before we take care of ourselves individually  " I am pretty sure she does not understand the connection. 

She recently shared with her parents she has BPD... . I was told they said "what is that everything has a label these days" but they also told her "you have treated us and even your husband incorrectly the last several years"   She used a few phases and examples that could have only come from her parents. 

She is now erratically trying to correct the past mistakes, which is making things worse.

[ugghh]

Mike,

As it seems you realize, you are worn out from this relationship.   We are here for you friend.  Please keep at it with your counselor.  I highly recommend that you take the next step and go get an experienced attorney and begin to follow his or her advice.

[whirlpoollife]

Promises can string you along... . Actions are what count.

Third year of my marriage  I wanted to leave. I fell for the promises and took the blame and shame.  27 yrs before I filed. Don' let that happen to you.

Is she doing this because she can sense your attitude is different?  Expert controllers and manipulators are very good at sensing a shift in the moods and perspectives of those around them.

X2bh was/is very good at this.  It put me in the FOG.

I under the fear and paralyzed feeling to divorce.  I was nauseous and trembling when I went to a L to just make the appointment.  Same when I told h , same when he received the notice to go to PO to pick up the complaint.  Same for the first court dates.

Almost two years since I filed. I am a totally different person now.  

I realized that the person who should be my closest intimate partner in life had crushed me and took joy in it.  That is not what a marriage r/s is about.  

Take that last bit of strength and one more forgiveness and give it to yourself. You deserve better.