Maybe leaving and feeling guilty

[Bklner]

My wife is a undiagnosed BPD. Our family therapist believes that she has BPD but my wife had left therapy and will not go back. I am trying to understand and support her but as time goes on it is becoming increasing difficult. She has taken to much more verbal abuse of myself and the kids , both very young. Profanity has become a main stay of her language when she upset.

She is using love as a weapon to manipulate the kids. Saying things like" you don't love mommy" and telling them to leave if they don't do what she wants the very first time she asks them to do something. As of tonight my daughter was moved to using a different bathroom because my wife does not want her near her. She also yelled at my son yesterday and told him to leave the room and that she will never do anything for him again. I thought that she was going to hit him when he just looked at her with a straight face and said "OK, fine". Then he walked away, and she slammed the door behind him.

She has also been trying to deny them food as a punishment. This is something that I can not support, and then she verbally assault against me. She has also pushed me a few time. Lately she is getting worse. She sends the kids to the room and holds the door shut. Again I have to intervene. I try to let her know that I can handle this and she can go relax. That does not always work.

My children seem to be getting tired of the yelling and the  abuse. They are not listening to her, and as my daughter said it doesn't make a difference we are going to get punished anyway. As you already know, she tells them and me, that we are abusing her. It is a difficult message for young children to understand.

Both my kids are in constant punishments. My wife has threatened month long punishments, toys were taken away and thrown outside. She spanks them and I have to stop her on that. They are not bad kids but as all children do they sometimes act badly and that does call for a punishment.  But, I don't believe that such extreme punishments work.

Because of all of this, lately they have been running to me for everything. I talk to them all the time about listening to their mother but it is becoming an uphill battle. She rarely asks nicely.

My wife does not believe that I support her and I do, up to when it is threatening to the kids.

Her behavior is making me very nervous. I have been thinking of leaving but I try to stay for the kids. I lost my job , and if I did leave I would want to try for custody because her temper and violence towards the kids really scars me.

I don't know of any services or programs that could help in such a situation.

Lost and confused.!

[cosmonaut]

Wow, I'm so sorry, Blkner.  This is a terrible situation.  I am very concerned with how disregulated your wife seems to be.  Since she is refusing to take responsibility for her disorder and accept help, I think you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children from her.  Things like withholding food are absolutely abuse.  She (and possibly you) could land in serious trouble with child protective services for that sort of behavior.  I wish I had some better advice.  I feel awful for you.  Please look after your and your children's well being.

[cosmonaut]

I should add: do not allow guilt to keep you and your children in a dangerous situation.  I know the guilt involved in loving someone with BPD and how much you must want to help you wife.  Given how disregulated she is, however, I think you need to put your and your children's welfare first.

I hope others here can give you some better advice.  Some of the posters have dealt with similar situations.  Hang in there and keep posting.  We're here for you.

[MissyM]

I would look into a battered spouse shelter.  They have resources for families that are being treated like this, even if you don't go to the shelter.  You could get in trouble with CPS if you don't protect your children.

[cosmonaut]

Do you have any family members that you could stay with for a while with the kids?  That might be one way to put a buffer between your wife and the rest of you.  The battered spouse shelter is another good idea.

[momtara]

Gary_seven posted a similar story today.  Just in case you ever do split up, you have to gather evidence of how she behaves.  Sometimes the deck is stacked against dads.  I wouldn't want to see her get almost all the custody if you left.  She could manipulate the kids into lying or just not saying anything. 

Kids only get to grow up once.  Wouldn't want to see them screwed up. 

I can tell that you have become very accepting of some of these unacceptable behaviors - you don't really have a choice, other than to leave or use a threat of leaving to push her into therapy.  I know you're in a tough place.  Proceed cautiously and take careful notes. 

[goldylamont]

I have a friend in her 30's whose mother is dbpb--they don't even speak any more. And this friend still suffers from depressions/anxieties over being raised by her mom who she says was often times cruel/manipulative. she's starting to come to terms with a lot now that she's been on her own for some time, but the scars continue into adulthood. i can tell she really loves her dad, but she's said sometimes she gets frustrated and wonders why he didn't do something to get them all away from their abusive mother.

the nervousness you feel is trying to alert you that something dangerous is happening. others here dealing with legal issues and children can give you more specific tips, but I do recommend you start collecting evidence of your wife's behavior that can be used to help you keep custody of the children.

[Bklner]

Thank you all for responding.

Child services did come twice before. Last week they only spoke with me and my children. My children pretty much told them what mommy does, e.g. the yelling, the punishments and the taking food away. Both children said that they were afraid of mommy, which I found out tonight.

As I stated prior I do intervene when it comes to the children.  But I usually take it when she direct her anger at me.  Last couple of days she has been walking me up early in the morning just to yell.

Anyway, today child services spoke to my wife. She was on the defensive for most of the conversation. At times she was over talking the investigator, and he told her that. He explained that not giving the children food as a form of punishment is abuse and she changed the story to how she was taking the food away because they did not want to eat. I understand that this is probably what she believes happened, but it is not the truth. While I did not interfere with most of her interview, ( I had my chance and I wanted to be fair to my wife) I did have to same something here. I did pay for that later on in the evening. Guess where I am sleeping tonight?

She went on the say that I was at fault and that I am not a good partner or father.  To my wife acting like a partner is doing what ever she says at that time and supporting her actions/punishments with the children. That is something that I can not support. I am a father and I have to protect my children first. I don't support a week or month long punishment. I believe that you punish the child appropriately for the behavior that you want to change and then it is over. I am not totally sure if it is part of BPD, but she never lets go of something that my children or I may have done some time in the past. For the children that would be a factor in the punishment and for me it is the fuel for her yelling at me.

If our children do not listen when she says brush their teeth, the first time, she will start to yell and punish them for days. To me that is extreme. Young children often don't do things on the very first time. For me under the same circumstance I would ask them to brush their teeth. If they don't, I will walk them to the sink and say it again. This works for me. But she thinks that I am wrong. My way there was no yelling and the teeth are brushed. Sometimes not allowing them to brush their teeth is also a punishment that she will use.

To get back on the topic the case worker sees that she has issues.  She was not listening and getting angry and argumentative. He actually told her that it would be difficult for him to be married to someone like her. I also paid for his comment with verbal abuse and cursing at me when he left.

He recommended that she try not to yell as much. He tried to instill that young children do not always do what you ask to do immediately and that food should not be used as a punishment. He suggested that she seeks counseling for herself and that we should do this as a couple also.

I feel that the situation is now worse. I know how a BPD person feels about their self image. In my wife's case she needs to feel the love from the children even if she does not show it back. Now she knows what the children said about her and she believes that I called child services, which I did not. I feel like I am waiting for a volcano to erupt.

[Bklner]

I just wanted to add that the counseling for my wife was a suggestion and it was not for child abuse but to learn how to better deal with her emotions. She did not accept that as a recommendation.

[cosmonaut]

If your wife is not able to control her emotions even with the CPS agent, it is evidence of just how severely she is disregulated.  She truly needs some help.  It's tragic that she won't get it, but not that uncommon for pwBPD from all I understand.  The disorder often doesn't allow the pwBPD to realize how distorted and disregulated they are.

In any case, I am glad that you are taking steps to protect the children.  Please do for yourself as well.  You shouldn't have to take your wife's verbal abuse (and physical from what you mentioned earlier).  As you said, it is likely that she will continue to deteriorate, especially with all of this new stress in having CPS involved and feeling that the children, and maybe you, don't love her.  Her abandonment fears and shame are almost certainly through the roof.

I'm sure that you love you wife, and I can hear that you wish you could help her, but I do think that you may want to start taking steps to secure custody should it come to that.  As other posters have said, you should start to document.  From what you have said here, it does sound like she is becoming truly abusive.  Are you certain that nothing worse is happening behind your back when you are not there?  Would the children tell you?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Stay strong and protect your children and yourself.

[momtara]

"He actually told her that it would be difficult for him to be married to someone like her."

Wow.

You say it made things worse, and I understand what you mean, but it is better because... . let's say CPS never came.  Let's say she decides she wants to divorce you, and she claims YOU did all the things that actually, she did.  It's a common tactic.  You'd have no evidence.  This way, you do.  you should take notes on everything in a journal.

Remember, if you let her abuse them, you can be assumed to be equally liable... . while I know you can't contradict her overtly, it is good for you to be firm and not support things like keeping them from food.

[Bklner]

I wanted to begin by sharing what happened tonight.

My wife called me on the way home from work. She wanted to go out to look for a new appliance, but I was not feeling well and I suggested that we go out tomorrow. She got mad and hung up. I knew when she came in the house it was going to be hell.

As she came in, she needed to go to the bathroom. My young son was in there prior and made a mess on the toilet seat which she did not see and sat on. She was screaming at me to get the cleaner, which I did give her. It was not the one that she wanted. That started her into a fit because I did not get the correct one. She stormed up stairs. Slamming the doors which has become quite common.

Next thing that I hear is her yelling at my daughter. She was not satisfied with the way that her bed was made. I went upstairs and told her that I will handle it and suggest that she could take her shower. She continued to yell and then finally left. 

Prior to this incident I was cooking dinner. Dinner was a bit dried out because  I had to intervene.

She was complaining about this and decided not to eat dinner. She started yelling how I don't know how to feed the children because of this, which is interesting because

I do almost all of the cooking.

The children ate and then it was shower time.  I was cleaning up from dinner, when I heard my daughter yelling/screaming/crying for me. My daughter refused to take a shower because my wife punished her for not making her bed properly. My wife put her in the shower with her cloths still on to teach her a lesson for disobeying her , and she also locked the door so that I could not get in. I was able to open the door and asked her to leave and I will finish up with my daughter.  My wife is now in our bedroom ranting to herself while calling me all sorts of names and profanities.

I mentioned this earlier but I lost my job almost a year ago. I have been trying to find one but it has been difficult. My wife does not believe that I am looking despite the stack of job applications that I have, which she wont even acknowledge. Additionally, I have spent all of my savings and, I have cashed in my retirement funds to keep us going during this time as well as when she was unemployed for  almost half of our marriage. During that time I was paying her credit card bills and giving her money. She doesn't seem to remember any of that.

Don't mean to sound bitter but I am starting to feel that way.

Now that I am unemployed she wont contribute to the mortgage. She would have to stop

paying her credit card bills but she says that she needs to still use them. I explained that if we don't pay the mortgage your not going to have them much longer and it would be better to have a roof over our head. She would not listen to me or a financial advisor who said the same.

Now she uses that fact that we may lose our house as another way to belittle me in front of the children. While I am writing this she is screaming that I am  loser because I cant pay the mortgage anymore, bad father, liar  and that she cant trust me because she thinks that I called CPS. What's new today is that she is saying that I am hiding her bills because she cant find them. Funny thing is that the bill she is referring to is the car insurance, where my car is on that as well.

One more thing to add is that my parents are getting up in years and my father is sick with cancer. It is a whole other story but  let me say how she was not very nice to me while my father was in the hospital, at a time when we did not know if he was going to survive. She never once called my father to see how he was and she would continually hang up on me while I was there.

Even with all that my parents are going thru, my parents are trying to get along with my wife. They invited us out for dinner this week to celebrate their anniversary and she does not want to go. I don't think that my dad will make it to another one.

I told her that she doesn't have to. I said that I would take the children and she can stay home and relax. She does not want the children to go either. It is sad to say this but I missed celebrating my birthday, with family, because she did not want to go then either. I was going to take the children but if they walked out of the house she was going to punish them. I could not put them in that situation. At that point I felt uncomfortable about leaving.

This has been my life for awhile now. 

[goldylamont]

Blkner terribly sorry all of this is happening. hearing more about your story though seems to make even a stronger case for coming up with an exit plan. seeing that you are posting on the Undecided board, does this mean that you want to stay in this situation? you are being abused, as are your children. i'm sure if you make the decision to start the process of leaving then you will get plenty of support and ideas from here. i understand not having a job makes things incredibly hard also, but even just making the decision for yourself and your children could start opening up doors as a best way to safely exit.

what do you want to do in this situation?

[an0ught]

Hi Bklner,

first you really are dealing with a very difficult situation  . It may feel odd and you are being punished for getting CPS involved it was not wrong but brave! Breaking the silence is key to contain the abuse.

It will be important to document every abuse, the actions you took, the steps the CPS has recommended and who spoke with the kids etc. in a secure place. Continue demonstrating that you are the reasonable and responsible part. You may want to also check over with the folks over at the legal board for other protective and preventive steps.

I mentioned this earlier but I lost my job almost a year ago. I have been trying to find one but it has been difficult. My wife does not believe that I am looking despite the stack of job applications that I have, which she wont even acknowledge. Additionally, I have spent all of my savings and, I have cashed in my retirement funds to keep us going during this time as well as when she was unemployed for  almost half of our marriage. During that time I was paying her credit card bills and giving her money. She doesn't seem to remember any of that.

Don't mean to sound bitter but I am starting to feel that way.

My wife called me on the way home from work. She wanted to go out to look for a new appliance, but I was not feeling well and I suggested that we go out tomorrow. She got mad and hung up. I knew when she came in the house it was going to be hell.

She is shopping? Don't you have financial trouble?

Keep some cash away. Line up credit if possible from e.g. parents in case you have to move unilateral. You are now quite dependent on her, there is no quick fix but don't let that dependence grow. Besides all practical concerns feeling dependent and weak will only get in your way getting boundaries in place. Develop a safety plan for yourself and the kids - again most plans are not needed but it also helps you to manage the distress knowing you got one.

Right now you are staying with her so even if you want to leave, while you may even plan to leave it is important to know the basics of staying. Please read the material on the Staying board, read the LESSONS particular on:

  - validation (to understand the basics, to support your wife regulating, so support your children and limit the damage her behavior does)

  - avoiding invalidation, controlling and JADE (because invalidation is often the main trigger)

  - boundaries, timeouts and extinction bursts (because they are the most effective means to stop abuse)

In your intro you wrote:

It has reached a point where the kids no longer respect their mother.  My oldest said the other day why should I because I am going to get punished anyway. They feel that their mother hates them. On a recent bad day my wife called my oldest some bad names. My oldest responded back in kind. Then my wife took her stuff and threw it downstairs. I was trying to stop this and then my son jumped in and hit my wife. I was trying to calm the whole thing down. but neither my wife or the kids would stop the yelling, name calling and throwing stuff. I felt helpless.

Looks like the kids themselves are adding to the level of distress in the home. That sort of aggressive behavior on their side against an adult is not normal. Is there some way you can help them or they can get help to cope better?

This is a really tough situation, hang in there 

a0

[livednlearned]

Bklner,

The stress you're living with is extremely high, and having kids involved can make it unbearably difficult. Having CPS involved is a sign that things are in the red zone. It's something I can relate to --parenting with a disordered parent is the hardest thing I have ever done.

How can we best help you right now? There are really good tools here to help you with some of the stress. Is there anything from the co-parenting board that might support you right now? Your kids need help from you managing the effects of their mom's disordered parenting. Whether you stay or go, it's good to understand what they're experiencing, and learn some tools that will give them a little extra rocket fuel so they have a shot at emotional resilience.

Child development and parents with mental illness

As parents, we benefit from understanding the natural developmental stages our children experiences as they grow up. It's good to know that a toddler's "no" is most natural and necessary, for instance. As parents, stepparents, grandparents, and other significant adults who may share in the care of children who have a parent with mental illness, an additional layer of understanding is also needed. How does the child's developmental needs intersect with the parent's mental illness? What are the impacts of a parent's mental illness during different developmental stages? How can we support children so they grow up as resilient as possible? Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167128.0

There are a lot more resources we can share if you feel it would help right now.

I'm pulling for you, Blkner. Nothing ripped up my heart more than seeing my son's father abuse him. You're not alone.



LnL

[momtara]

Are you a stay at home dad?  This would work in your favor for custody.   

Please tape record these incidents.

[Bklner]

As you can read from my other posts the situation with my wife has been getting worse. She started yelling at me because my young daughter went downstairs in her panties. I asked her to go upstairs and change but apparently it was not quick enough.

My wife started yelling and cursing at me telling me and then the children but was fixated in saying that I am not a good father. I walked away from her and she followed after me slamming my home office door. I then heard her telling the children that I am a liar, that I abuse her. While I know that I probably should not have said something I could not let the children believe that. I spoke up which caused her to slam the door on me. When I say on me I was literally in the door way and she kept trying to hit me with the door. I was blocking it with my hands. No to mention the pushing me and pointing the finder in my face. I am a ration easy going person but I am at my limit. I remember all of the things that I need to do but I after telling the children that I am a unemployed (add about three curse worked here) loser who is trying to lose the house. doesn't know how to take care of them and is going to put the children out in the street.

I feel that she is trying to get them to hate me.

For my own validation needs I do want to say again that I had paid for a wedding, a ring, honeymoon, and down payment for a house out of my savings. Then I supported her when she lost many jobs and was unemployed for more then half out marriage. I have paid the mortgage and could not pay the last two months while my wife chose to her pay credit cards over the mortgage. BTW, the minimum payments are more then the monthly mortgage would have been. She is also holding the fact that she is working over my head. I need a few dollar ($25)to pay off the last my son medical expenses and she wont do it. She told me to go ask my parents. When I said that I am broke it is not a joke. I have nothing left.

Sorry for the validation but I am feeling a bit underappreciated and depressed myself.

So, She was yelling so much the children were frightened and my son was hiding.

She planned on going out today, but would not tell me where she was going. After our argument is when she wanted to take the children, but as I said they did not want to go. I asked them if they did and if not I will speak to mommy. This of course set off WWIII from her. She screamed that I was scaring the children, that I was turning them against her. Honestly I don't know how she still has a voice. My son finally said where he was she took them.


She refused to tell me where she was going but last night when I wanted to take the children to dinner with my parents she threatened me that if I do, she would call the police and file kidnapping charges.

I did call the police. No action at from them at this time. I have no doubt that they will be here soon enough. I need to get out and find a way to take the children.

So back to todays issues, She took the children to the petting zoo, park and shopping for toys. My daughter came back and said that mommy was saying bad things about me all day to them.

Finally, She also got her mother involved who called my mother to tell her that I was a abusive person. My mother tried to set her mother straight because she has seen this behavior many times. This is escalating so quickly after CPS came that I ready to walk! Leave ! Get out now!.

I don't know what to do about the children. I fear that she is ready to go over the edge especially now that my daughter just came to me to tell me that mommy told her that war is going to start.

I called a divorce lawyer this has to end!  

[Bklner]

I was so upset I did not even check my spelling--

As you can read from my other posts the situation with my wife has been getting worse. She started yelling at me because my young daughter went downstairs in her panties. I asked her to go upstairs and change but apparently it was not quick enough.

My wife started yelling and cursing at me telling me and then the children, that I am not a good father. I walked away from her and she followed after me slamming my home office door. I then heard her telling the children that I am a liar, that I abuse her. While I know that I probably should not have said something I could not let the children believe that. I spoke up which caused her to slam the door on me. When I say on me I was literally in the doorway and she kept trying to hit me with the door. I was blocking it with my hands. Not to mention the pushing me and pointing her finger in my face. I am a rational and easy going person but I am at my limit. I remember all of the things that I needed to do but I after telling the children that I am a unemployed (add about three curse words here) loser who is trying to lose the house on purpose and that I don't know how to take care of them and I will be the cause of them being put out in the street.

I feel that she is trying to get them to hate me.

For my own validation needs I do want to say again that I had paid for a wedding, a ring, honeymoon, and down payment for a house out of my savings. Then I supported her when she lost many jobs and was unemployed for more then half out marriage. I have paid the mortgage and could not pay the last two months while my wife chose to her pay credit cards over the mortgage. BTW, the minimum payments are more then the monthly mortgage would have been. She is also holding the fact that she is working over my head. I needed a few dollar ($25)to pay off the last of my son's medical expenses and she wont do it. She told me to go ask my parents. When I said that I am broke it is not a joke. I have nothing left.

Sorry for the validation but I am feeling a bit underappreciated and depressed myself.

So, She was yelling so much the children were frightened and my son was hiding.

She planned on going out today, but would not tell me where she was going. After our argument is when she wanted to take the children, but as I said they did not want to go. I asked them if they did and if not I will speak to mommy. This of course set off WWIII from her. She screamed that I was scaring the children, that I was turning them against her. Honestly I don't know how she still has a voice. My son finally said where he was she took them.


She refused to tell me where she was going but last night when I wanted to take the children to dinner with my parents she threatened me that if I do, she would call the police and file kidnapping charges.

I did call the police. No action at from them at this time. I have no doubt that they will be here soon enough. I need to get out and find a way to take the children.

So back to todays issues, She took the children to the petting zoo, park and shopping for toys. My daughter came back and said that mommy was saying bad things about me all day to them.

Finally, She also got her mother involved who called my mother to tell her that I was a abusive person. My mother tried to set her mother straight because she has seen this behavior many times. This is escalating so quickly after CPS came that I ready to walk! Leave ! Get out now!.

I don't know what to do about the children. I fear that she is ready to go over the edge especially now that my daughter just came to me to tell me that mommy told her that war is going to start.

I called a divorce lawyer this has to end! 

[livednlearned]

Hang in there Bklner -- this is a really tough roller coaster that you're on right now. You're not alone, a lot of us have been in your exact shoes, people who can help you get through this. When it gets to this point, it can be hard to think, things feel hopeless, depression is common. But there are many things in your situation that are really important. One is that CPS has been involved, and it's recent. That might be the most important part of your case, if you file for full custody of the kids. It's unfortunate when these things happen, no one wants them, but it also puts you in an advantageous position legally. The other good thing is that your parents are there for you. Support from family can go a long way to help you stabilize things. And you have us, people who understand what this is like.

One thing that really helped me was reading Bill Eddy's book, "Splitting: Divorcing a BPD and NPD Spouse." Worth. Every. Penny. It will be hard to find it in stores, most of us find a copy online -- I downloaded a copy to my computer and it literally changed my life.

Be very discreet about meeting with a lawyer. You might feel guilty about this, but it's for your own protection and your kids. Also, there is usually a $50 or $100 fee (and sometimes free) to consult with a lawyer. It's a good idea to write down a list of questions about what you want to ask. I found that my emotions and mind became flooded when I saw an attorney -- such an emotional and distressing experience to find myself there. It really helps to think about questions you might have ahead of time, and go with someone you trust, someone who can take notes and help you discuss what the lawyer said.

It's a smart move to meet with a lawyer no matter what happens. When we live with people who make false allegations, it's important to understand what the repercussions of those allegations might mean. If she is alleging that you abuse the kids, or abuse her, it's important that you know what to do to protect yourself because any abuse allegations will lead to court. With good information, you can save yourself a lot of money and heartache.

It's also really important to defuse (for your own peace of mind) which threats of hers have any merit. For example, you cannot be accused of kidnapping your own child. You just can't. My ex (a former trial lawyer) threatened me with this for years. If your wife files a threat, she will draw attention to her own instability.

Document as much as you can. And buy a copy of Splitting.

It will be ok, Bklner. You're in the worst of it right now, but it does get better. We're here for you.

[Bklner]

Well it did get worse tonight. I was in my office looking for a job and she was making dinner. First time she cooked in months. She did not let me know that dinner was ready. I went down stairs and into a storm of lies that she was telling the kids about me. When I did take food, she kept on taking my plate, forks and chair away. Then she slapped me. I called the police a filed a report. She called her family who are here now and only listening to her and not me. I hear that what she is saying and it is the same lies. I want to say something but it wont do any good.

I am so upset at this. I do not feel that I can trust her at this point.

Without trust there is no relationship. Time to get out of this relationship.

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry to hear about these worsening developments, Bklner.  I think you really do need to get your kids and yourself out of there.  ASAP.  I'm glad you called the police.  Document everything!  Make sure others know that she is falsely accusing you of abuse.  She's really becoming unglued and it won't be long now before she loses it entirely.   I understand the hardship you are under being unemployed, but you have got to get away from her and take the children.  I'm worried about you guys.  Please do meet with a lawyer who can give you legal advice on how to protect yourself.  Also visit the legal board here.  Hang in there.  Stay focused on you and your kids' welfare.  We're here for you.

[livednlearned]

That's awful that she hit you. Is this the first time she has been physically violent with you?

Blkner, I'm also wondering how CPS got involved. Do you have any idea who made the call?

You are very smart to seek counsel from a lawyer now, sooner rather than later. There are some critical things that can make a huge difference in your life going forward, and particularly for your kids if you talk to a lawyer and understand how the law works -- just in case your wife attempts to sabotage you. For example, I fled the marital home with S12. My lawyer told me to get S12 on the phone with his dad as soon as possible. That was a critical piece of information -- my ex kept telling the court that I "kidnapped" the child, that I abducted him, etc. Except I had phone records showing that S12 talked to his dad every night, even though for safety reasons I didn't tell N/BPDx where we were living. It was 3 months before I agreed to share that information, long after lawyers were involved and things were moving through the court system. 

Other good advice my L gave me: to file for separation in a county where they were very matter-of-fact and down to business. The county where I had been living has a terrible track record with custody battles. They aren't efficient, which means it costs more money. By filing in the next county over (a 12 minute drive), I ended up in a much better court. Only a lawyer can help you figure this kind of thing out, plus people here on the legal board have a wealth of collective knowledge. The Internet is not going to get you too far, unfortunately. You need local knowledge about how things work where you live, in the court where you plan to file.

These are the kinds of things a lawyer can help you with -- it is very dependent on the state where you live, and the judge you may have.

[momtara]

Taking your food away, slapping you?  How awful.  You deserve better.  We don't even treat pets like that. 

[Bklner]

Well, it has been a,while since I wrote on this board.

We did get divorced and it was painful. She still attempts to treat me badly. She still calls me and finds a way to turn the conversation into an argument.When I don't engage but answer her calmly she gets angry and hangs up. This

is daily.We have joint custody and shared parenting time. She tried everyway to prevent my parenting time. In fact it took days just to make the parenting tine arrangement. The lawyer's fees were astronomical. She still tried daily to interference with the relationship I have with the kids. They are constantly telling me the names she calls me and how she tells them that I am a not trustworthy,  liar and other bad words.

He's the back story

My udBPD wife called me almost a year ago ( thats how long thus has been going on) on the phone on day after our marriage counseling  session(we took different cars) and said that she wanted a divorce. It was not the first time but this time she said that the counslor said we needed to think if we wanted to stay together.  She told me I have no job, so I am no use to the family. This was just to much for me aa i saw that the counseling did not work. She used it as a means to complain about me and put me down. We were getting no where.

I told her I agree. I didn't think she expected that. That night she told me she did not want to get divorced  yet.She wanted to when she had the resources. She wanted to take the kids and leave but didn't want the divorce just yet. We were going to lose the house anyway. I said that I have parental  rights but she said I need to remove myself from the picture. I was no longer in the bedroom. I had enough and went to a divorce lawyer. Needless to say she felt betrayed.

She started telling everyone that I abused her. She was impossible to desk with in court. She actually started to verbally abuse my lawyer and even got up and walked out a couple of times.

... .but it is over or so I thought.

She still accuses me of doing things I am not doing. She still tried to verbally pur me down.she stil Isn't ring to hurt my relationship with our kids.

I did finally find a job but more than 3/4 of my check goes to her. Because I lost my  better paying job the child support was based on a 5 year average. She could have worked with me , and taken less, but chose not to do that. I am still living in the family home until it is foreclosed. She moved out and I can not afford a place.

I don't know what is going to happen in the next few months with my residence. I do know that I get to spend time with our kids. Even though she was investigated twice by child services she was still allowed go have joint custody.

I now look back at this relationship and feel sad in is over but also glad. I feel better that I don't have to deal  with her everyday face to face. I feel better that at least 50 percent of the time the kids are in a stable enviroment.

I do know that everyday is going to be a challenge. I have to constantly do damage control with Kids because of her constantly putting me down to them. But it is better for them to habe at least on consistent parent

[livednlearned]

Hi Bklner,

You've been through a lot this past year. Divorcing someone who is BPD, especially with kids involved, is not easy. Have you looked at the lessons on the Coparenting board? Lesson 5 is about raising resilient kids: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

There are really good materials, workshops, and articles there that can help you raise resilient kids even when one parent has BPD. A lot of people who end up in BPD relationships grew up in invalidating environments, and so learning to validate your kids is important. There is a good chance you have higher than normal needs for validation, and that can lead to a parenting style that provides less than optimal amounts of validation for your kids. Validating them will help you deal with the dysfunctional relationship your ex is passing along.

Lesson 6 is about parental alienation, which is what your ex is doing when she calls you names. They need you right now, and these skills or whatever you want to call them work immediately, although they take practice and have to be done over long periods of time.

It does get better over time. Especially if you work on values and boundaries, and learn what it means to raise emotionally resilient kids. Doing that will help you heal, too. 

LnL