Where to start

[woodsposse]

Hello everyone on this board dealing with children suffering from BPD.

For the time being, I think I will spend some time on this board as I would like to gain as much insight as I can in better ways to support my children who may be suffering from BPD (or certainly BPD traits).  I'll gladly share my backstory in more details later (but in short, I recently came to this board because of my failed relationship with my diagnosed ex -  and finally understanding what I had been dealing with for years in that r/s... . as well as my own participation stemming from my FOO).

So this lead me to the understanding that some of the issues with my kids are very familiar with BPD symptoms - so this is a great place to start.  My ex was diagnosed with a PD (not BPD, but I pretty much and comvinced she has a dual diagnoses thing going on) - and sadly, a lot of the issues my ex had, my children have (kids from a previous marriage... . back when I was literally married to satan.  But I digress).

Anyway, I guess a great place to start is with a question.

From my understanding of what I had been reading, BPD usually presents itself in young adulthood.  So if that is true, how is it that we can see/spot issues with teens that are not just "normal" teen rebeliions and stuff like that?

And then the next big question would be... . so now that my kids in questions are young adults (21 & 24) - where as a parent do I start?  They no longer live at home (and for the most part, I took all the blame for everything... . even though, for the most part, I was the only thing stable in their lives).

I have my listening eyes on and all feedback is greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

Hello Woods Posse- welcome. I am no expert but I will jump in here. I do not think it is the case that most BPD traits emerge later in life. Earlier threads have confirmed that many of us had issues with our kids from early days.

Good for you for looking to make things better at this date, and all I really have to say is read Valerie Porr's book- it should make a huge difference in the way you deal with your adult kids, and will help them in the long run.

The reason it is hard to get a diagnosis in adolescence is that it is true many symptoms are normal for this age. However, I think anyone who has lived through it knows when what they are dealing with is way beyond "normal"- when police are being called, when suicide is attempted , when there is other self-harm, when you feel like you are walking on eggshells trying to prevent the unpreventable.

Good luck!

[Verbena]

With my DD, BPD traits began showing up very early on--as young as maybe three.  I didn't know about BPD until just before my DD turned 18, but she had every single trait long before that. 

I agree that some of the BPD traits could be considered normal teenage behavior which explains why a BPD diagnosis might be hard to get for someone under 18.  In fact, my DD28 likes to frequently say that she was bad as a teenager but that was a long time ago and she has "turned out really well" and I should be thankful for that.  She seems to think that there were just a few years when she was out of control and that from age 20 or so on, everything has been just peachy.  She thinks if she says something and I don't argue with her, that makes it true.  My daughter now denies that the BPD diagnosis that was made when she was 18 never even happened. 

If your children are suffering from BPD or BPD traits, you are wise to learn as much as you can about it.  Do either of your children know anything about BPD? 

[woodsposse]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say they don't.  Or if they do - it was in passing and they just shined it on.

But... . I really didn't learn about it until recently and all my reading, so far, makes perfect sense. Not just about their behavior but my own as well (such as why I endured the r/s with their mom the way I did and so on).

I read a very interesting post regarding the Lonely inner child (me) and the abandonded child (BPD s/o).  It made a lot of sense.  It described the lonely child as seeking understanding.  And for me, that is essential to my existence.  Things have to make sense.

I don't really care what it is made of - as long as it makes sense.  I really have a difficult time not understanding something... . and it amazes me that there are people (even my children) who don't see the world like this.  But... . I never wanted to raise duplicates of myself.  They are their own people and own set of histories.  Some of their history I will never know (as they kept it from me in secret... . shame, and all that).

I wish it wasn't so - because my desire with my kids (as well as my s/o) was to have nothing but a stable household.  Now that I'm learning the dynamics of what was actually going on in my home, I see that without this understanding - we were never going to have stability (and the fighting off chaos was just that... . a fight.  Aand I really hate fighting).