New here... 10 year old child with new unofficial BPD diagnosis

[misrubytacones]

Hi everyone. We have a lovely little girl we've had for a few years in guardianship who just recently seemed to completely devolve and a totally different child is in front of us. We have been told to start thinking of what is best for our family because we are looking at something that may never be resolved. She is a child who never shows displeasure, anger, or irritation and is always very sweet, funny, and kind. She is a pathological liar, extreme manipulator, allegation maker, with zero empathy and is on line of sight care because she is constantly trying to get inappropriate with boys or meet grown men on internet. I'm mourning the loss of the girl I though I knew and loved while trying to see how we can develop new healthy relationship while protecting rest of family. I'm just lost and so thankful I found this board

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ProfDaddy]

My heart goes out to you and the girl.  Children with these diagnoses often seem normal but have regular moments that are very much out of control.  Treatment is difficult, they often don't get better.  The strain on families is immense.  Who else is in your household?  How are they coping right now?

[misrubytacones]

My 9 year old is in shock and confused. She loved her and thought of her as a sister and now she is scared of her because she doesn't recognize her as same person. We have 2 older foster children that have been here for years and they are angry that she's causing so much chaos when she is obviously able to behave. My husband and the rest of our extended family are just in shock and very concerned over a child who is now a stranger and wholly unpredictable. I've been advised that it will just get worse especially for 9 year old and if just for her emotional well being I should think about some major changes. She has started having nightmares of BPD child hurting her while she sleeps and although she's never been violent or aggressive the therapist believe that my 9 year old is reacting intuitively and should be made to feel safe.

[co.jo]

this sounds more like serious reactive attachment disorder? I would assume you have already checked into that, but it might be worth a further read.Nancy Thomas has some good resources.

[chelishere42005]

Wow!  I truly feel for you.  My fiance is BPD and bipolar, her 10 year old daughter is also bipolar and has generalized anxiety disorder.  They moved in with me about 10months ago after we had dated for over a year and a half.  Having them live with me was much different than dating!

I had a 17yr old from previous marriage and she has the 10year old girl and then a 5 year old boy.  Us all living together turned bad fairly quickly.  The 10year old started acting out by being extremely disrespectful to me and disobedient which made the 17year old upset because he knows I don't normally allow that kind of behavior.  

I was trying to be patient as the 10yr old became accustomed to us all living together but she only continued to get worse and act out severely.  About 6 weeks ago we ended up having her go to a childrens mental hospital for 8 days.  They took her off all her meds but then said she didn't have anything wrong with her.  I don't know what to think about that, but her mom decided to move out of my house and end all relationship with me.  Somehow it became my fault that the daughter is having these issues even though she's had them since she was very young.

Very similar to what you described as far as normal one minute but you never know when she is lying or trying to manipulate the situation.  The more I was around her the more it truly seemed like she could not stop herself from lying and could not show true remorse  for her actions.  She was mean to our animals, we have cat and dog and she would just do weird things to try to hurt them.  When she goes into a rage she threatens to kill others and herself, uses very hurtful words and actions to myself, her mom and her brother (the 5yr old).  Very scary stuff because you have to think, what could she actually do some day when they stop being words amd turn into actions.  I tried to keep the 5 year old from being around it but he heard and saw a lot.  Now that their mom has moved them out, I feel a sense of relieve on one hand but very concerned on the other.    

As much as I'm sure you love her and want to help her, she may need to be professionally evaluated and medicated.  And I would think you would have to do what is best for all the other people involved, including yourself.  You can't be a good parent if she is controlling and manipulating you.          

[qcarolr]

misrubytacones

If this is a total change in behavior so suddenly, I would look into some event that may be triggering a trauma or attachment reaction. It is so easy to jump on a specific diagnosis at such a young age, and there is still so very much development that has yet to come... .

I have found great help with my gd8 in the models for foster, adopt and struggling bio kids from two groups. One is called "Beyond Consequences" [BCI Institute, Heather Forbes) and the other is Attachment-Based Family Therapy modeled on P.A.C.E.,  (DDY - Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, Daniel Hughes-USA and Kim Golding-UK).  I have been very lucky to be working with a T getting certified in this PACE model, and it has made a great difference in how successfully I am parenting my gd8. Both of these awesome people have been in my city and I was able to attend their daylong workshop. The county mental health center also offers a parenting class based on the PACE model.

Both of these come from a place based in personal experience with foster and adoptive children and families. They both emphasize the fear based place many children live in that drives their behaviors. When I have been able to use the PACE strategies with myself and then with my gd we can get to a place where the behavior/consequence tools can work.

It was also important to get my gd's anxiety/trauma issues managed with meds. and to get her ADHD managed with meds. and then the mood shifts pushed by the ADHD meds managed. She is currently managing with all this. Her aggression is much improved, and I am feeling more sane as well.

I have to go - the school bus is here. I can be back with some book reviews, links, etc if you are interested. These child focused tools, and the self-support and training fall very close to the tools listed at the right.

THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. THERE IS SO MUCH NEW KNOWLEDGE ABOUT NEUROSCIENCE THAT GIVES NEW HOPE. DO NOT GIVE UP.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Here is a link to the books that Kim Golding has published. It also gives some background info about her.

www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1742

There is also a review of the books I have read here at bpdfamily.

"Creating Loving Attachments"  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195443.0

"Brain-Based Parenting"  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195469.0


From another perspective, my BPDDD27 can no longer be in our home and preferably not in our neighborhood. My ability to take a stand on this boundary has helped my gd8 to feel more safe, and this allows her to be available to working in her sessions with T, and responding to the new strategies we have been trying. And my process of learning is never ending. Last year was very very hard one for DD27 in many ways. She refuses to access the treatments options open to her.

What resources are available to you as a guardian for this girl? available to her? Caring for the other children in your family makes this so much more complex than what I have experienced.

qcr

[BioAdoptMom3]

Is she in therapy?  You could also be dealing with a different mental illness such as bipolar, abandonment/adoption issues or a combination of 2 or all 3 of those.  Most children who are abandoned/rejected (as they interpret it even though it may not be the actual case) by a birth parent will react with many of the behaviors you mentioned.  It is very often not BPD but just the fact that the child needs to grieve her loss and come to terms with what is going on in her life.  I highly recommend the book, "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier.  It is an easy read and very helpful for foster and adoptive parents in understanding these little ones.  There are other great books, but since you have her in guardianship I would start there!   

[theplotthickens]

I agree with the others that it sounds more like a trauma and/or an attachment disorder.  Has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) been ruled out?