RTC and DD14

[raytamtay3]

DD called me last night. Of course she had nothing but bad things to say about the RTC, which is to be expected at this time. She was pleasant to me though and I got another "I love you too" back before we hung up.   She said she tried to call me the other day too.

She said how the kids are really bad. She goes to an alternative school there and got in to an argument with a boy and the boy almost hit her. She said the kids curse out the staff at the place. I guess I was expecting more of a therapuetic (sp?) environment. It sounds to me like this is a place for defiant kids as a lot were in gangs, are very aggressive, etc. Well as we know, DD is very defiant. But I'm just hoping this was the right choice now.  Of course she hates all of the girls she lives with. Says they are all lesbians too. Neither DD nor I have a problem with that (she has a few gay friends), but she just thought it was funny how they all are. She said she has yet to ride a horse and how kids who have been there for five months haven't even ridden... .

What if it turns out this place isn't right for her? Does anyone know if I'd be able to move her considering it was a court order? Not a court order for her to go to a particular place, just an RTC?  I know, give it time. But I'm just worried. I'm afraid she's going to get hurt and have bad vibes... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Ray

This is not going to be a quick fix... . you need to give it time. Don't listen to your dd... . I am sure she will say anything to get out and come home. I think it is good that she see these other kids as well... . at times it is like looking in a mirror for her and she needs to see herself and focus on making the best of where she is. Don't worry about her right now... . give it time like you said and don't be sucked into her negative comments about the place... . she would have haed any place she went to. Stay Strong

[Being Mindful]

Hi Ray, Do you know if they have treated teens with BPD? What is their approach? Have you seen her treatment plan? Were you involved in the treatment plan?

[raytamtay3]

We have a meeting April 10th to go over goals at which time I will ask a lot more questions.

[theplotthickens]

I believe what your daughter is saying because that is the type of environment my dd experienced in treatment settings.   Mine picked up substance abuse, and she picked up a ton of other negative behaviors there.  She also stopped learning and lost track of dreams and goals that she had, preferring to act like a thug (new behavior).

The treatment did no good.  I honestly think that mental health "treatment" is a racket.  They bill for hundreds of dollars a day and there is little evidence that these treatments help. 

That said, sometimes they are the only viable option. I would be very, very hesitant to discount everything your daughter is saying.  Never trust anyone 100% with your child, nor discount the fact that these places exist to make a profit and bill.

Pray hard and trust whatever your gut tells you to do.  Hold the staff accountable for maintaining a therapeutic environment, rather than one that is toxic. 

Keep us updated!

[co.jo]

I believe one of the characteristics of BPD is no sense of self, and so they try to adapt to fit in to the environment they are in. My daughter attended an assessment centre when she was 14, and someone who knew her and talked to her while she was there said she didn't even sound like herself. Of course an assessment centre is dealing with some very extreme and varied behaviors. I do not think much good came out of that place, she ended up running away a couple of times with some very hard-core kids, and losing her virginity on the roof. Due to her anxiety disorder, previous to that she didn't even go out on weekends.

I guess that is why an RTC that is exclusively for people with BPD would be the most useful, if it even exists. Leaving us between a rock and a hard place with finding help.

[Rapt Reader]

Hey, raytamtay3... .

I'm sorry that this stress is so never-ending for you  

I'm wondering if you have read any of the Hospitalization, RTC & IOPs Threads that are archived at the top of the front page of this Board? I'm asking because sometimes the kids fight the treatment tooth and nail and will say and do anything to get their parents to take them out.

And other times, yes... . There are problems in the facility and the parents ended up pulling their child out and putting them somewhere else after checking into the situation. Have you had the chance to call the Administrators of that RTC to find out just what is going on? This place was recommended to you by the professionals you were dealing with during your daughter's being detained; can you call any of them and see if they can help in any way?

I'm hoping by now you've talked to your daughter or the RTC (or even your support system locally who have recommended this facility), and found out something... . Preferably something that can allay your fears and help you feel better about everything. Please keep us updated; I truly hope things aren't as bad as they have been sounding, raytamtay3.

[raytamtay3]

While my DD certainly has “traits of BPD”, she most definitely has full fledged Conduct Disorder on top of it. So this place actually might do her some good. The kids may appear to be “bad” to her, but she herself has done her fair share of things too, i.e., stealing, possession, problems with the law, lying, cutting school, fighting, aggression, etc. I’m just going to try and keep an open mind and see how things go. If I feel that it’s doing more harm than good, I will have her go someplace else. In my opinion no matter how great the reviews on a facility, there will always be some issues. Every place is going to tell us what we want to hear to have us choose them. I'm just keeping my eyes and ears open.

My DD is fearless. She doesn't care who you are, how old or young you are, if she doesn't like you, she will make it known.  Maybe, just maybe, being here will bring her down to reality.

When she moved with us to NJ from PA, and to a very upscale neighborhood mind you, and one of the highest ranked school districts in the state, DD still said how there were more fights and drugs at the school than in PA. She finds fault in anything she does not like. And she didn't make that big of a deal out of the RTC. If it was truly that bad, my DD wouldn't be so nonchalent about it. All she said was "yeah, nice place you sent me mom".

Some of the kids that are in there have what I consider a reason for being the way they are.  Such as coming from abusive homes, being in foster care, gangs, etc. It still amazes me how my DD acts they way she does when she comes from a good, loving stable home. I don't think I will ever understand it.


The real test is when she comes home for home visits.

[Rapt Reader]

You sound like you have a good handle on it all, raytamtay3.

Being watchful and cautious, but cognizant of your daughter's M.O. is very good. I agree with your summation, and I'm glad you are being open-minded that this could be the right place for her... .

Being mindful of her situation and willing to entertain her staying, but willing to entertain her having to move if the circumstances warrant it, is the best place to be. You are doing well 

[co.jo]

One thing about my daughter, when she encountered someone with one of those sad home stories, she did appreciate her home more in her calmer moments. Plus she enjoyed the drama of some of the other stories, and it distracted her for a bit from creating her own. 

[raytamtay3]

I just got off the phone with DD's case manager at the RTC. She said DD is doing very well. She talked with me about the incident that occurred last weekend and said how since my DD was the new girl, the other girl in question tried to bully my DD. And the CM said how DD was not having it, does not back down and can certaintly hold her own. To that I agreed. I'm very proud of my DD in that regard; when it's used appropriately like it was this time that is. I've always had a hard time sticking up for myself. I'm pretty much a wuss really. I admire my DD's strength.

Anyway, I'm very happy to hear things are going well so far. And for the CM to say that speaks volumes as she is the one who told me from the getgo how she "don't do attitude" after DD left the room. She scared me a bit.  I was afraid they'd butt heads but I get the sense the CM has taken to DD. A lot of them do. My DD has a great personality and can be you're best friend, unless she is mad at you.  The CM is even allowing DD to wear foundation which she was first against. I feel soo much better after talking with CM today. I was really starting to feel anxious not knowing what is going on. So yay!  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Disclaimer: I love my DH very much and am thankful to have a supportive man in my life through these trying times.

BUT, why must he burst my bubble when I bring up positives about DD? He makes me not want to tell him anything anymore... . which I know is not good.

I know that it's still early in the game and that DD's true colors are bound to come out, but cut me some slack! Let me have ONE day to feel good about things instead of squashing them. I did tell him this. He said he just speaks the truth. I said but I don't need to be reminded all the time. To which he replied he disagrees but that he'll shut up to which I replied... . YA DO SO!    Grrr... . Ok rant over.  Thanks for letting me vent. Not that you had a choice.  

[pessim-optimist]

  You can have as many days as you'd like to feel good about things here raytamtay3.

We'll always be happy for you when you are happy, and if/when things get tough again, we can deal with it then... .

Your DH is a man, and so he wants to keep things objective and in a realistic perspective... . If he has bad experience, then he will expect some of that to happen also. I know you know that... .

Maybe you can tell him that when you feel happy, you would like him to support you in that and enjoy it while it lasts. 

[jellibeans]

RAy

good news and a good start... . staying positive is key... . that is the one thing I feel I must hold on tight to. I think if your H continues to do this I might just end the conversation and not engage him... . walk away... . put a boundary in place. My H does this often too because he has seen things go bad with my dd16... . I really try and ignore him but I do correct his error in thinking when he says things that are just made up in his head... . he is a negative person at heart so I think it come very natural to him. I am happy to read the progress and I hope your anxiety about the situation is getting better.