Tips for keeping your cool in the madness?

[Cloudy Days]

I am actually a very emotional person, I cry very easily, get my feelings hurt easily, take things personally easily when I feel attacked. Obviously this causes a problem when you are living with someone who has BPD. My husband's sole purpose when he is mad is to hurt me and make me react to him.

Something has snapped in me, I am no longer going to internalize what he says to me. At least I am trying really hard not to. I've done a lot of soul searching, a lot of healing within myself. He can still get to me though, he can still say just the right thing to get me to participate in his madness.

Last night I made the mistake of telling him to stop analyzing everything everyone does. He was attacking something my father did, it got to me and it just slipped out. 6 words ruined the whole night.  I knew as soon as I said it I wanted to take it back. I apologized for telling him how to act, validated him as much as possible and then just kept my mouth shut. It was too late by then, he was already over the top with anger. He told me to pack and leave so I started to, calling his bluff. Eventually things calmed down and I put my stuff back only to have him go back up to that level because I was staying calm and not giving him the reaction that he wanted. Which is screaming back at him. When I was able to be alone I cried and then calmed back down, not letting him see it.

So my question really is, what are some ways to keep your calm in this madness. I have been breathing deeply and then reciting a song in my head to distract from the emotional pain. I remind myself that it isn't about me, he's reacting to something that happened in his childhood. It seems to have carried over to this morning and we are hashing this out through texts. I just keep sending validating statements, not picking up the bait. But I feel numb, I want to cry but I am at work and can't. I know I need some time for myself but at this point the only time I am going to get is on the weekend when he is sleeping if he sleeps. He tends to go through periods of insomnia that make him act much worse. Again, I know it's not about me, but I am still emotionally drained and I need something to make myself feel better. I am stronger than I have ever been before but it still doesn't seem quite enough.

[maxsterling]

I can certainly relate here.  It's such a shame.  With 95% of the adult population, you can tell someone that their behavior is bothering you - saying exactly what you did - and they will take it to heart or at least make no big deal out of it.  Say it so a pwBPD, and you may wind up with something being thrown at you.  It's just so unfortunate because you can't expect yourself to be 100% careful with your words 100% of the time. 

I'm where you are - I know it's not about me.  I know not to engage in her emotions.  But yet I hurt, and I try to not show that to her, so I carry it to work or wherever.  I also wait for times when she is asleep or off doing something else to take care of myself. 

Here are some things that I do to remain calm - When I do get time to myself, I try and make the most of it.  I walk, ride my bike, read, listen to music - anything to help me relax.  I'm also sure to not let myself get too socially isolated, and keep up conversations with friends and family.  I don't want her chaos to be my only interaction with others.  When in the thick of it, I try to not let things carry on for too long.  I listen, remind myself over and over that it's not about me.  I just let her rant and complain and don't do much to defend myself, because I know it's not anything I can solve.  I try and validate her emotions as best I can, but sometimes this is just impossible.  I try and stay in the moment and listen to her issue, but afterwards when my mind is racing with confusion and frustration, I chose to just daydream or move my mind to a happy place for awhile.  If I don't do that, my mind will go in circles about her issues that I have no control over.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband's therapist told him too create a happy place in his head. I guess this is something I need to do too, a happy place seems out of reach for me at the moment . I actually told him last night that I am not perfect, I am going to say things he doesn't like on occasion. I then asked him if he could accept the flawed person that I am and accept that I will make mistakes. He pretty much blew me off after that, I didn't get the feeling the he accepted the imperfect me. But guess what I accept the imperfect me for the first time in my life. I have a whole new outlook on life. It makes it so much easier to let this stuff roll right off of me. But he knows what my insecurities are and he pushes my buttons hard.

I really have been trying to be careful, I am to a point where I am leaning more towards leaving than staying. But it feels like a waste, I have been working so hard at trying to improve myself. I finally get it, I finally am at a place that I accept myself and that I can actually even accept that he is disordered. But now I am facing reality that if I really want to be happy, the best place to achieve true happiness is not going to be with him. It does make me feel guilty because he has shown improvement too. He's working on himself too but that doesn't make him less disordered, it just shows he is trying to keep me in his life, which is very Validating to me. A part of me feels it's too late to fix though. But I want to give it an honest try.

Create a happy place in my head... . Check

[MissyM]

When I asked this question while we were away at therapy, the therapist looked at me and said "You aren't supposed to remain peaceful while being subjected to emotional abuse."  Woah, a smack in the head.  He very clearly told me to disengage and go take care of myself.  Now I am keeping what I will tolerate very short.   His emotional tirades just aren't good for me emotionally, mental and physically.  I can validate his feelings and state the truth, then disengage.  It is very empowering and has given me a lot of peace.  I cannot fix his feelings and that is what was going on by trying to stay engaged.  He was expecting me to fix his feelings and I was fuming over it.  Not healthy for either one of us.  So I am calmly and lovingly disengaging.

[Cloudy Days]

I agree that is what I need to be doing. But it's not always possible with my situation. A lot of the time me reacting to what he is saying draws things out. In this case he said something that wasn't a personal attack against me, it was against my father, I also know it was just his active mind in play, they are what he is thinking whether he wanted to think them or not. If I had said nothing then nothing would have happened and we could have gone on with our night without conflict. That's why just distracting from what he is actually saying is more helpful. When it gets to the personal attacks against me I leave the room. Sometimes he follows and this is where me fighting back just makes things worse. If I am not engaging with the fight he gets board with it and leaves me alone to go calm down or stew some more about it. It takes a lot of will power not to say nasty things back to him. He pulls out the arsenal in a very short amount of time.

[maxsterling]

Interestingly, last night my girlfriend was going on about how she wishes she could just shut her brain down.  She claimed she was spending her time worrying about future things or things she can't do anything about.  I told her that happens to me, but I always try and find something happy to think about that can distract me.  She seems to be incapable of this.  She really has no hobbies, no good memories form her past, and no happy family moments to think about.  So all she does is worry.  I can see where your husbands T would tell him this - but my guess is he struggles the same way.  Once he gets something on his mind, I bet he obsesses and wants it so be solved ASAP, but does not have the means of solving it.  So he rages.

My dad used to tell me there are two kinds of things to worry about:  those that you can do something about, and those you can't.  Those that you can do something about, you should just take care of so that you no longer worry.  Those that you can't do anything about aren't worth worrying about.  I seem to be naturally good at distracting myself (probably ADHD), but dealing with the BPDgf has been a huge struggle - this relationship consumes so much of my time and thoughts that I am having a difficult time relaxing and focusing on other things.

[Cloudy Days]

Yes, I know my husband gets stuck. Thankfully he does have a few hobbies but when he is depressed hobbies don't matter. He's said millions of times.

One reason why I need to be able to keep my cool. My husband just told me he cheated on me. I honestly don't think it is true, it's a ploy to get a reaction out of me and I'm not taking the bait. He's said these things in the past and even then they didn't make sense, but I believed him only to have him tell me he lied. I told him I want proof of it in order for me to actually believe him. He is trying everything to hurt me on this one. He's always had a guaranteed reaction out of me and I know it is what he is looking for.

[MissyM]

Well, I went down the rabbit hole with him today.  It was something stupid but he he was blaming me that he went the long way to pick up our son and was late.  This kind of crap just pisses me off.  It is amazing how I am controller of the universe and responsible for everything.  I know that he does this when he feels bad about himself, it can't be that he has done something wrong and has to be that I have done it to him.   Then he escalates to he wants a divorce and I am just using him, blah, blah, blah.  I finally cut it off but not before getting upset.  Just going to take care of myself and grateful we aren't living together right now.

[Cloudy Days]

All the people who escaped the clutched of BPD partners are singing and dancing now, save yourself as well.

Learning to Validate has at least made me feel in control of something. I know how to calm him down at least, it makes for a much more peaceful life, while you are trying to figure out how to fix it.

It's much easier said than done to get over the attachment we have to these people. I have mental issue too that make it much harder for me to walk away. Working on my self though, really trying to.

[MissyM]

Max, I agree that validation isn't a cure all.  It has it's place but only works when NOT validating the invalid.  My dBPDh wants me to validate the invalid and I will not.  If he doesn't do the work on himself, he will not improve.  I would gladly run from this relationship if I didn't have children.  He is not a good, safe parent and I really try to buffer.  Right now he only has the kids a total of about 9 hours a week and most of that is in our house.  If we divorce, he will have more access to them.  So, for now I am living in limbo and working on myself.