Validation

[BackinBlack]

"The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet”.  Mohadesa Najumi

Ah, a whole lot of truth in that statement, huh?  My problem is that I needed my uBPDx to validate me.  Maybe that’s what I’m missing.  Feeling valid.  Needed.  It’s how I was conditioned as a kid.  If I was trying to fix/help my parents, then I was worthy of love.  I know, it hurts tremendously just to type that.  I’m only worthy of love if I’m taking care of someone else. 

Real love doesn’t look like that, people.  I’m convinced that if someone loves you, it’s not what you DO for them that matters.  It’s simply who you are. 

Know that you are worthy of love regardless of how giving you are.  This is hard for me because, the truth is, I don’t love myself.  And, you can’t love anyone else if you don’t love yourself.   

It took this particular relationship to open my eyes to that.  The thing we shared in common is that neither of us loved ourselves (ouch). 

My inherent need to fix him was a way to take the focus off myself (ouch).  I really tried to change who he was - reading every self-help book regarding abuse thinking I could make him stop being that way.  It finally led me to believe it was a mental disorder (one that isn't easily changed; especially by someone that won’t acknowledge the problem).  It also finally led me (after many months focused on him) to look at myself, at how I was contributing to the dysfunction in this relationship. It was going to take changing me, not him if I wanted to make it work.

After a 3 year relationship, 6 months ago I was painted black for absolutely NO reason other than his constant problem with my past.  I can now see his fear in losing me because of his fixation on all my past relationships.  I get it.  He’s not capable of being close to me because it scares the crap out of him.  How in the world do you have a relationship with someone like that?  You don’t.

One of the things that kept me stuck is seeing that vulnerable side to him once in a blue moon.  You know, the one that is the hurt little kid wanting to be heard.  Yeah, that one.  I loved that vulnerability, which was rarely shown to me.  How do you have a relationship with someone that can’t be vulnerable?  You don’t.

Truth is, I need to work on myself. I obviously have intimacy issues too, but it’s been nice blaming it on him.  So, I’m going to own it finally.

I don’t have any advice other than the best thing you can do for yourself is to really grieve the relationship.  If you feel like crying, then do so.  Wanna get mad, be mad.  Feel it and let it go.  It’s perfectly normal to feel pain when losing something you deemed important.  Start using all that energy you used on them for yourself.  Do small things for yourself every day.  Not every day has been great for me, but I’ve survived. 

Recently I saw an interview with Glennon Melton where she stated that being heartbroken is not an ending, but a beginning.  It’s in your brokenness that you learn what you like about yourself and start eliminating the things you don’t.  It’s hard for me to see this relationship as a gift, but without it, I would never have looked internally. 

I haven’t posted on this board a lot because well, abuse thrives in silence.  After being on these boards a while, I’m finally breaking my silence.  Thanks to this site for giving me a voice.

[Cloudy Days]

Thank you for speaking up. I was having a hard morning, my husband is his usual self, not trusting me, not listening to me about our finances, telling me we are over. It made me really sad, I felt so strong yesterday, not going to allow him to get to me anymore. But the fact is, he does still get to me. The thought of leaving him brings me to my knees even though almost everything in my body and mind tells me I should. I've never dealt with anything so hard in my life. You can't go through something like this without changing. I do love myself for the first time in my life. I seriously could have written everything you wrote, The relationship has been changing me, at first I was changing myself for him, now I am changing myself for myself. There is a big difference between the two, one makes both of us unhappy and the other will make one of us happy. I know my husband may never truly be happy and that still hurts to think about. Will I ever stop caring about him?