what should i do

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Posted here many times, brief story, left a very abusive controlling woman and my son, moved back to the UK from New Zealand to the UK as I had no family. I tried my hardest to stay in the marriage for my son’s sake but even appeasing her and wearing headphones didn’t stop her, sadly my son became pretty abusive towards me as well which was very hard to take as I was the one who raised him.

So I gave her an ultimatum which made her worse and finally I was driven out, not before she got divorce papers for me to sign. Moved back to the UK with nothing but a suitcase. Gave up a great job, my home, the lot. She started trying to charm me back after about 3 months, phone calls, emails and I resisted. I tried no contact but faltered due to my son.

What followed was a campaign to get me to back. She bought me a one way ticket which I never got on the flight. She used my son as a pawn, resorted to using threats against me. I decided to see them last year and then didn’t bother at the last moment. I was very weary of her. Honestly Im frightened of her.

So she has been trying and trying, saying she had cancer, which turned out to be a lie, then in January I ended up buying a return ticket then as I soon as I did that she went mad, saying I couldn’t come on a free holiday, I was gay, I couldn’t come until she had found a new father for my son etc., etc. I was supposed to last week  and I was hoping she would just say come and say see your son but of course she’s incapable of that. Basically I had to agree that I would stay there and not return to the UK which I wasn’t prepared to do. I thought of going in a hotel but I know exactly how she operates. She would have gone out, not answered the door and for my sons sake I stayed here, I didn’t want him to witness her wraith. So I wasted money I couldn’t really afford to waste.

She had two previous relationships which had bad domestic violence, I can see why somebody would hit her, she says the vilest things imaginable and on numerous times she reduced me to tears. She seems to get a perverse joy in upsetting people. She has a daughter from a previous marriage that doesn’t bother with her and lives with her father. Even she used to lash out and hit her own mother. Many times I was a referee trying to make them reconcile which was a lost cause.

I never laid a finger on her and perhaps that why she is trying to get me back. I worry that my son will witness domestic violence as I am not painting myself as a saint but I don’t think many men could take 12 years of what I took. I’m thinking she will do what she did to me, sweep them off their feet, rush them into marriage then the poor guy will wake up after a few months and think WOW what have I married. I also worry as it appears she needs a person that she can bully and torment in the home and I am wondering if my son is bearing the brunt of it all. Her abuse has really left a mark on me so god knows what effect its had on him. I would describe her as completely irrational. Its impossible to negotiate with her.

i havent spoken to my son in a month.  Everytime i call she just starts her rant then hangs up on me.  With my last call  I mentioned I would come back but find my own place to live and do whats in my sons best interests.  I would have proper contact, maybe once a week.  That made her go crazy with rage, I was told to fck off and recieved a Email saying I was not allowed to contact my son ever again.

I have done everything humanly possible to stay in contact with my son but I can’t think of anything else I can do.   Im planning to move back for his sake but unsure of my rights. 

[keith99]

Posted here many times, brief story, left a very abusive controlling woman and my son, moved back to the UK from New Zealand to the UK as I had no family. I tried my hardest to stay in the marriage for my son’s sake but even appeasing her and wearing headphones didn’t stop her, sadly my son became pretty abusive towards me as well which was very hard to take as I was the one who raised him.

So I gave her an ultimatum which made her worse and finally I was driven out, not before she got divorce papers for me to sign. Moved back to the UK with nothing but a suitcase. Gave up a great job, my home, the lot. She started trying to charm me back after about 3 months, phone calls, emails and I resisted. I tried no contact but faltered due to my son.

What followed was a campaign to get me to back. She bought me a one way ticket which I never got on the flight. She used my son as a pawn, resorted to using threats against me. I decided to see them last year and then didn’t bother at the last moment. I was very weary of her. Honestly Im frightened of her.

So she has been trying and trying, saying she had cancer, which turned out to be a lie, then in January I ended up buying a return ticket then as I soon as I did that she went mad, saying I couldn’t come on a free holiday, I was gay, I couldn’t come until she had found a new father for my son etc., etc. I was supposed to last week  and I was hoping she would just say come and say see your son but of course she’s incapable of that. Basically I had to agree that I would stay there and not return to the UK which I wasn’t prepared to do. I thought of going in a hotel but I know exactly how she operates. She would have gone out, not answered the door and for my sons sake I stayed here, I didn’t want him to witness her wraith. So I wasted money I couldn’t really afford to waste.

She had two previous relationships which had bad domestic violence, I can see why somebody would hit her, she says the vilest things imaginable and on numerous times she reduced me to tears. She seems to get a perverse joy in upsetting people. She has a daughter from a previous marriage that doesn’t bother with her and lives with her father. Even she used to lash out and hit her own mother. Many times I was a referee trying to make them reconcile which was a lost cause.

I never laid a finger on her and perhaps that why she is trying to get me back. I worry that my son will witness domestic violence as I am not painting myself as a saint but I don’t think many men could take 12 years of what I took. I’m thinking she will do what she did to me, sweep them off their feet, rush them into marriage then the poor guy will wake up after a few months and think WOW what have I married. I also worry as it appears she needs a person that she can bully and torment in the home and I am wondering if my son is bearing the brunt of it all. Her abuse has really left a mark on me so god knows what effect its had on him. I would describe her as completely irrational. Its impossible to negotiate with her.

i havent spoken to my son in a month.  Everytime i call she just starts her rant then hangs up on me.  With my last call  I mentioned I would come back but find my own place to live and do whats in my sons best interests.  I would have proper contact, maybe once a week.  That made her go crazy with rage, I was told to fck off and recieved a Email saying I was not allowed to contact my son ever again.

I have done everything humanly possible to stay in contact with my son but I can’t think of anything else I can do.   Im planning to move back for his sake but unsure of my rights. 

[keith99]

She clearly has BPD.  It makes a lot of sense.  The rages that come out of nowhere, the crazy making, having to walk on eggshells 24-7.  Shes left me broken.   

[blue_skies_ahead]

Please talk to a lawyer.  I can't tell from your post if you have any kind of written agreement in place spelling out your parental rights, but you need one and your son needs you to have them so you can be in his life.  Good luck!

[keith99]

I dont have any kind of agreement.  In all honesty even though it sounds weak I fled in terror.  12 years of that took its toll on me.

[momtara]

Keith, I think people will4 understand, esp. if she has prior domestic violence situations.  But you have to gather documentation of anything you can, before4 you start communicating with her in any major way.  You have to do a lot of strategizing.  Courts want dads to be in their kids' lives.  But you have to start out right from the get go.  You could have a very strong case for visitation and such, but do talk to lawyers in the area. And you can post on avvo.com for free.

[blue_skies_ahead]

All you can do is fix it, right?  We all have our breaking point, but your child needs you with a PD parent.   Pick up a phone or start sending emails to lawyers for help.  You'll feel empowered.

[keith99]

The thing is I havent paid child support.  When I left i returned to the uk and was unemployed for 6 months.  Also she is a high flying career woman who earns about 180.000 dollers a year.  I have a job but earn peanuts.  I have sent my son stuff and tried to maintain contact.

im going to move back, even though i have no family.  I cant cope not seeing him.  i am sad because I am the one who raised him.  His mother was hopeless. She is so abusive that I am afraid of lasting damage.  As I said her daughter left home at 10.

[keith99]

when we were together she controlled all the finances, including the wages I was paid.  I was pretty much left with no money to survive whilst she spent money like water.  It was a nightmare I also paid for private school so I didn't shriek my responsibilities. 

shes just being spiteful, she has hounded me for two years and just because I dont want to return to the relationship, she behaving like this.  The stupid thing is i feel guilty and keep thinking what could I have done, when I had exhausted every avenue.  It got to the point when i wore earphones to drown out her rages, I tried to appease her and that didn't work.  she gave me a dogs life and I was more like a servant than a husband or a human being.  I bent over backwards to raise my son.  i worked from 7am until 3, did the school pick up, homework, dinner, parks and she'd waltz in at 8pm and start screaming at me for making a piece of toast or using her hari gel or drinking her coffee, which was crap as I wouldnt dare touch any of her things.

[blue_skies_ahead]

Ask for alimony and child support then.  Sounds like you did most of the child rearing, etc.  Alimony isn't just for women. Ask that she pay for your lawyer, too.   Courts are sympathetic and want the father in a child's life.  You qualify for alimony (long term or rehabilitative) in my state (FL) if you were married 12 years.

I have no doubt that all you say is true.  She sounds like a bully, but the only way to handle a bully is to stand up for yourself and take back your rights.  It doesnt matter how much you make or don't.  Your rights are not dependent on that solely.  It's merely a factor of consideration. Sounds like you could give your child a calm living space to retreat to.   Like you, I'll bet it's much needed.  If you can prove mitigating circumstances, the lack of CS can be dealt with and since she's a high earner, chances are your payment wouldn't be super high anyway - if any at all, especially without any agreement in place where you are ordered to pay CS (I'm thinking out loud here).  You can always ask for a repayment plan if there's any arrearage.

I know you're hurting but suck it up buttercup. :-)  Make your plans and inch toward them until your strong enough to crawl ... . then walk ... . Then RUN!

I wish you luck!

[keith99]

Her latest bout of behavior has pushed me to go back.  She's impossible to deal with.  i know it was the right thing to do, leave her as she got so much worse as she got older.  i did hope that giving her a ultimatum whilst we  were still married would make her change but WOW it made her a billion times worse.

[momtara]

I think a court and judge can be swayed by all this.  You can't leave your son anymore - clearly he may need you.  Just be careful, talk to lawyers and do this all in a very planned way.

[Deep Impact]

Keithy, just dig in for the fight bud... She'll soon come unstuck when you consistently apply yourself. Just seek legal counsel, be patient and just become a hassle for her. Personally, I am in a similar boat, embrace the fight, I actually look forward to dedicating my life to exploring all avenues possible - and I will not stop, my sons life is at stake.

[ForeverDad]

So I gave her an ultimatum which made her worse and finally I was driven out, not before she got divorce papers for me to sign.

So, are you divorced now or is she just sitting on the paperwork?

She had two previous relationships which had bad domestic violence, I can see why somebody would hit her, she says the vilest things imaginable and on numerous times she reduced me to tears. She seems to get a perverse joy in upsetting people. She has a daughter from a previous marriage that doesn’t bother with her and lives with her father. Even she used to lash out and hit her own mother. Many times I was a referee trying to make them reconcile which was a lost cause.

Sounds like she thrives in conflict, even if she has to cause it.  That domestic violence might have been her doing.  All past relationships have to be described as abusive, whether they were or not.  Remember, everything has to match her perceptions, whether true or not.

I also worry as it appears she needs a person that she can bully and torment in the home and I am wondering if my son is bearing the brunt of it all. Her abuse has really left a mark on me so god knows what effect its had on him. I would describe her as completely irrational. Its impossible to negotiate with her.

Inability to cooperate or negotiate is a common trait with BPD, so remember that always.  She's likely to fool you into thinking you can reason with her, know full well that it is a cunning trap to trip you up.  Be aware.  Beware.

Yes, your son is surely being raised with twisted method, either being raged at or manipulated as a Golden Boy, or alternating between both extremes.  As you know well, the constant cycling would keep him off balance, confused and vulnerable.  The more time you can spend with him, the more stability he will have in his life.

I haven't spoken to my son in a month.  Every time I call she just starts her rant then hangs up on me.  With my last call  I mentioned I would come back but find my own place to live and do whats in my sons best interests.  I would have proper contact, maybe once a week.  That made her go crazy with rage, I was told to fck off and recieved a Email saying I was not allowed to contact my son ever again.

I have done everything humanly possible to stay in contact with my son but I can’t think of anything else I can do.  I'm planning to move back for his sake but unsure of my rights.

So get a lawyer there, find out what your options are.  Somehow her daughter's father got the girl away, maybe you can legally retrieve your son - and certainly see him more than once a week.  But... . that will almost certainly never happen without a court order.  You can't reason with her so the only Real Authority is family court.  She thinks she holds the ultimate power, but really it is the judge.  You know you can't reason with her, ever, but the judge should become your friend, just show you're a decent and reasonable father and let the court do the rest.

The stupid thing is i feel guilty and keep thinking what could I have done, when I had exhausted every avenue... . I tried to appease her and that didn't work.  she gave me a dogs life and I was more like a servant than a husband or a human being.  I bent over backwards to raise my son.

We all felt guilt, thinking surely there must have been something we could have done better.  But the truth is, no matter what we would have done, it still wouldn't have been enough.  When a crazed person is making the rules and constantly changing them, there's no way we or you can can ever do enough.  So LET GO of the  guilt.  You did what you could, she was a crooked card dealer and the deck was stacked against you.

Have you herd of the "F.O.G."?  Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Those were the tactics used to crush you, keep you in line, make you feel worthless and incapable.  Yes, your head knows that's true, but emotionally it's hard to accept.  Give it time.  Give recovery time.  Recovery is a process, healing is a process.

Probably best not to live too near her.  Have a separate residence close enough to regularly have your son with you but never ever move back in with her or you'll be at risk of relapsing into the old behavior patterns as abused target.  Even if you have to be closer to have a chance to see your son, distance is still your best friend.

Be aware that she will never willingly allow you to be a parent, not while you still have your freedom from her.  That's why you need to document - now - her poor behaviors, blocking or interfering with your son's telephone contact, raging and threatening you over the phone, etc.  Why?  If you end up going to court there in NZ you can count on her claiming you're the abusive person and you'll need documentation to prove otherwise.

How did her daughter manage to get away from her at age 10 with father's help?  Did her father have to take legal action to do it?  Maybe you have a supporter in the daughter or her helper?  Maybe your son can do that too, if she hasn't turned him to her puppet on a string?  At this point, the court ought to be your best friend, since you'll never get cooperation from her.

When you do get to court, try to get as much time as possible with your son.  Don't be timid, it's your son's welfare at risk.  If you think he would do best living full time or the majority time with you, then state so.  Prove why it would be better.  Produce as much documentation as possible showing your parenting is stable and hers isn't.  Remember, his future is at stake.

[livednlearned]

My ex is a former trial lawyer. In the marriage, I believed him when he said I would never get custody, no one would believe me, I would live in section 8 housing, wouldn't get a penny from him.

It didn't work out that way. I ended up with full custody. The man I was so afraid of looked so disordered and angry in court, it was hard to believe I never saw how ill he was.

You need validation. Once professionals start to get involved, you realize how most people deal with abusive, disordered people. For some reason, probably our childhood experiences with disordered people, we don't see it so easily. It's a process, to slowly learn how obvious this behavior is.

Talk to a lawyer in NZ and find out how it works where you live. Don't communicate with her or negotiate anything until you've talked to a lawyer. Figure out what you want, and then come up with a strategy to get there. It will take a while -- court is a blunt instrument. So be patient. But don't defeat yourself before you know what the rules are.