Recycling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm new and posted in a few areas... . Today is my 1 year anniversary of being married... . We didn't make it to 10 months and she filed for divorce.  Our problems weren't anything most couples usually have, but our arguments were mainly due to my wife's insecurities and trust issues.  She would go into rages doing damage to the house and as far as biting me!  She has all of the classic BPD signs, but hasn't been diagnosed.  No one else sees this, although I think her parents have and are in denial, as they "warned" me of things awhile back and now I see what they meant.  But, now that she has painted me black, they side with her and I am the antichrist!  She hates my guts, filed a false restraining order and has gone as far as accusing me of rape, to our therapist.  She suggested we go to a porn shop one night and get toys.  SHE picked out a Butt plug.  We went home and had an awesome night, cuddled and fell asleep holding each other, in love. The next morn, we were still kissing and in love and drove to the marriage counselor (MC).  We got there, the MC asked how we were doing.  I said, "doing better".  My wife spun like the Exorcist and yelled at me she should have said I raped her last night!  I was blown away and she kept ranting, to the point the MC stood up, yelled at her to sit down and shut up, twice!  She grabbed her purse and left the building, leaving me there shaking, wondering what happened, since she picked the toys out and enjoyed it!  I was freaked!  I love her and want to get her to get help.  I didn't know about BPD back then and we haven't been to an MC since.  I was hoping to get her to a therapist, who could diagnose her.  But, now that I'm not allowed to talk with her, I can't even discuss reconciling with her or try to get her to counseling.  She has painted me ULTRA BLACK and says I'm the worst relationship she's ever had and worst thing to happen to her and wishes she never met me... . mean stuff.  I'm no angel and had some porn when we met, so I don't want you to think I'm blaming her for everything, but I got rid of that a long time ago, but she doesn't let me forget it.  It's always on her mind.  I've read a lot about recycling... . Is it normal for a BPD to come back after all of this-restraining order, hate and divorce?  We have a 10month old daughter, so we will be in each other's lives forever, and I'm wondering if she will flip back to make me WHITE again?

[kfifd196]

I'm new and posted in a few areas... . Today is my 1 year anniversary of being married... . We didn't make it to 10 months and she filed for divorce.  Our problems weren't anything most couples usually have, but our arguments were mainly due to my wife's insecurities and trust issues.  She would go into rages doing damage to the house and as far as biting me!  She has all of the classic BPD signs, but hasn't been diagnosed.  No one else sees this, although I think her parents have and are in denial, as they "warned" me of things awhile back and now I see what they meant.  But, now that she has painted me black, they side with her and I am the antichrist!  She hates my guts, filed a false restraining order and has gone as far as accusing me of rape, to our therapist.  She suggested we go to a porn shop one night and get toys.  SHE picked out a Butt plug.  We went home and had an awesome night, cuddled and fell asleep holding each other, in love. The next morn, we were still kissing and in love and drove to the marriage counselor (MC).  We got there, the MC asked how we were doing.  I said, "doing better".  My wife spun like the Exorcist and yelled at me she should have said I raped her last night!  I was blown away and she kept ranting, to the point the MC stood up, yelled at her to sit down and shut up, twice!  She grabbed her purse and left the building, leaving me there shaking, wondering what happened, since she picked the toys out and enjoyed it!  I was freaked!  I love her and want to get her to get help.  I didn't know about BPD back then and we haven't been to an MC since.  I was hoping to get her to a therapist, who could diagnose her.  But, now that I'm not allowed to talk with her, I can't even discuss reconciling with her or try to get her to counseling.  She has painted me ULTRA BLACK and says I'm the worst relationship she's ever had and worst thing to happen to her and wishes she never met me... . mean stuff.  I'm no angel and had some porn when we met, so I don't want you to think I'm blaming her for everything, but I got rid of that a long time ago, but she doesn't let me forget it.  It's always on her mind.  I've read a lot about recycling... . Is it normal for a BPD to come back after all of this-restraining order, hate and divorce?  We have a 10month old daughter, so we will be in each other's lives forever, and I'm wondering if she will flip back to make me WHITE again?

[MissyM]

It seems to typically happen when we move on, then they want us back.  It is crazy and maddening.  So, just keep living your life and do whatever you can to protect yourself and your children.  I am sorry, my dBPDh filed for divorce in December and canceled in January.  I think he has probably filed again this week.  They are just really unstable and need someone to blame for their problems.

[kfifd196]

Thank you... . I'm sorry your's filed again.  She's moved out and back 3-4 times over the past year and a half, after some type of rage incident or major trust\insecurity issue and always ran back to her "mommy & daddy".  She's 34 and still calls them that.  But they enable her bad behavior, instead of telling her to go back to me and work it out.   When yours filed for divorce, was he in the "Hate" phase or painted you black?  If so, what made him change his mind?  I wonder if my wife will change back, as she is filled with so much hate right now and her parents are supporting it, thinking I am some evil entity.  I've been beyond supportive of her and still want to help her.  It's come as a shock, as she TOTALLY just cut me off as if I didn't exist.  She felt she couldn't trust me because I took a picture of the bite marks she left on my arm-making ME the bad guy for taking the picture, but TOTALLY ignoring, that she BIT ME!  Her parents won't even acknowledge me to talk with them about any of this... .

[MissyM]

My dBPDh is in therapy, he just isn't making much progress.  He is a drug and sex addict and is furious at me right now, saying that if he isn't married to me he won't have to do recovery work.  Yeah, like our 9 year olds don't need a sober Dad.  I have been told that he won't stay sober if he doesn't deal with the BPD.  He took the filing back because we went away together for therapy and they confronted him on his behavior.  He has painted me black again because he is so unhappy and miserable.  What set him off was that he was going to pick up our son and went the wrong way, so was 25 minutes late.  This became my fault because I was going to Al-Anon and this is why he was picking up our son.  Then it became I am an evil B**** and using him, yeah using him to watch his own children.  It is pathetic.  Then he went on the rampage and cut me off financially.  He has taken off his wedding ring and has changed his status from married on FB.  He wants me to meet him at marital therapy on Weds but I think not, he is just interested in blaming me for his problems and that does nothing to make progress.

[kfifd196]

Do you still want to work it out with him or what is your intention?  I totally get what you're saying about not wanting to go to M Therapy w\him.  3 months ago, My wife and I were on the way home from a party and she said. "Let's stop at that adult novelty store".  We did and got some toys, that SHE picked out... . Anal play toys.  Now, I knew she didn't like anal sex or playing back there, but whatever... . she picked it out and knew what it was.  We had awesome sex and cuddled, kissing and fell asleep in eachother's arms.  The next morning, we went to M Therapy and held hands the whole way.  We sat down, the T asked how we were and I said doing well!  It was like the exorcist!  My wife's head spun around, she stood up screaming, that she should have said I raped her last night!  I was speechless! She continued to rant until the MT screamed at her twice to shut up & sit down... . She grabbed her things and left leaving me there shaking... . I never went back until now, when she moved out.  Now, she blames me for waiting too long to go to a new MT... . There honestly was zero time to go in the last 3 months, due to work, the holidays and our side business that we work every day from 7am-2am... . oh and care for our 10 month old... . I guess what I'm saying is I wish I went back sooner, it may have changed things, so I don't want to see you not go and regret it later, like I am.  My wife has done the same thing and painted me black... . She slandered me to everyone and blamed the relationship demise on me.  Her family won't even look at me or speak to me!  They've all defriended me on Facebook, etc.  I am a good person and don't deserve this, as are you!  Al-Anon has been helping and I have a sponsor\buddy, thats been really good... . His story is exactly like yours, just with his wife!  I hope I was able to help you. 

[MissyM]

Thanks, kfifd196.  At this point I don't really care of he paints me black. I am sick of being the nice one while he dumps and rages.  I spoke to the marital therapist and he is going to meet with my husband alone and determine if there is any point of us coming in together.  Thus far, he has done nothing any joint therapist has gotten him to agree to.  An active addict is just insane, on top of the BPD.  So, I will see with the marital therapist has to say after meeting with him.

[MissyM]

And I am sorry about your in-laws.  Mine are insane and I haven't had anything to do with them in years.  My dBPDh's Mom actually made up a bunch of hit about me, including that I had a boyfriend and was on drugs.  Of course, I get the irony because her son is a drug addict and started cheating with multiple women.  Sick families produce sick people.

[DreamFlyer99]

kfifd196,

have you had a chance to read much of the info on here? There's a good article about recycling: US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

And for me I know it's been reeeeeally helpful to get these things into my brain so I know what's true for an honest, reciprocal, loving relationship: The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships .

I'm still learning a lot about what I did wrong in the years spent with my uBPDh as far as enabling his bad behaviors. I guess I was used to things how they were, Comfortable. Familiar. but not good in so many ways. It's not easy even when well-armed with tools to deal with a pwBPD for decades. If our pwBPD isn't being treated and they're happy in their dysfunction, it's tough. But at least you can become well armed here for the years of relating with each other over your daughter. Do you share custody?