Responsible for their actions?

[refusetosuccumb]

I need to work on my spine when I'm actually talking with my husband of 16yrs.  No firm diagnosis in place yet but I truly believe PBD is part of it.

I snooped in his phone last week and saw him trying to hook up with at least 6 different women since last August.  He had a full blown affair starting last January, he moved in with her, I allowed him to move back home in August, him promising to do anything and everything that I required to win his trust back.  So really, he's never stopped reaching out to other women.  He's currently not using drugs and not drinking.

He knows how to use my feelings against me, but sometimes I'm not sure if he's manipulating me or if I'm actually being confusing to him.  For example, I've been the one doing all the phone calls the past 3yrs to get him help and I KNOW he's been let down by the system as it is.  He claims he's too mentally ill to know what he's doing (ie contacting other women) and that it's the system's fault.  Rationally, while I'm sitting here, I know that's the case in the past,  but he's been offered hospitalization (that he won't take) twice this week which would make a difference for him.  So yes, he's mentally ill but claims the talking with other women is a SYMPTOM of his mental illness.  I guess since I accepted drinking and drugs as part of the symptoms, he feels that since this is an escalation, without real help, I should accept that?



Is he not responsible for his actions, even though he's mentally ill?

[maxsterling]

I would look at it this way:  You are hurt by his actions.  Nobody is blackmailing him or holding a gun to his head.  The only person responsible for his actions is HIM, and he is the only one who can change his actions.   Mental illness or not, he is still responsible.  His disease is not an excuse.  Unfortunately, your options are to accept that is who he is and to not expect change, or move on to protect yourself. 

Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with infidelity.  But I have dealt with plenty of other abuse.  She's open about her mental illness, but also uses that as an excuse.  She does seek treatment, including hospitalization, but sometimes I feel she isn't giving the treatment her best effort.  She will cancel appointments because she doesn't feel like going.  But, the attitude is the same - I tell her I need her to be happier before I will marry her.  She says she can't because she is mentally ill.  I'd feel much more comfortable committing to my relationship if I saw her put more of a commitment toward herself.

[MissyM]

I am sorry, I have had to deal with this.  I go to a support group for spouses of sex addicts.  Multiple addictions are one of the symptoms of BPD.  If you can find a COSA or S-Anon in your area, you will find a lot of support.  I also go to Al-Anon, as my dBPDh also has drug addiction.  There are people out there that can offer you some practical ways to deal with this.  I highly recommend a therapist, I use a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) that also deals with other addictions and BPD.  She has been a life saver for my sanity and codependency issues.

[refusetosuccumb]

Thank you for sharing your story.

What he requires of me, in his mind, is completely unrealistic. We have two young children together, I work full time and we also have 2 dogs. My time is not my own,,from morning till night.  He requires constant validation, and anything I can do for him goes completely unrecognized and he fixates on what he thinks Im not giving him. He wants me to market his music for him. He does nothing around the house to the poubt where Im so resentful that i dont even have anything left to give to meet his bare minimum. Throw in women outside the marriage and Im done.

He asked today if we have a chance of getting over this. I told him no. I need to find a new place to live in the neighbourhood... ... I cant afford this place without his small disability cheque but I can afgordcan apartment on my own. I am giving notice to our rental place on Monday and will be moving May 1.  My birthday is April 30. 

Im at peace with my decision. I need to stop the bleeding and give my kids a stable, peaceful home where we arent walking on eggshells. I need to focus on the kids. When we separated last year, he was actually a more involved dad. I pray for peace. I really hope he puts in the effort to cope for the kids sake.

Funny enogh I think he is working on a replacement. He isnt so angry with me today didnt even try to convince me to stay.

Good luck to all of us. I will be moving to the other board.