How do you plan for important things

[formflier]

I think the answer is that you don't... .

I'm supposed to go have an MRI tonight... . I am a bit anxious about it.

Was looking forward to my wife taking me if the "normal" one was there

Just got a bunch of text bombs about whores and a bunch of other fantasies... . there is a chance it will wear off by tonight... . schedule is pretty tight.  Usually a dysregulation is 5 hours or so... . sometimes half a day.

Very frustrating... .

And literally... I can't drive to it and back because of the medication I will be taking... . I am a bit afraid of tight spaces... .

[SleepsOnSofa]

In my experience, you plan for them as normal, but you don't get married to the plan. We have about a 50% chance on any given day of having an episode of dysregulation and pointless-but-infinitely-escalating arguments over nothing; important events heighten her basic insecurity and neurosis, and make episodes more likely. Sometimes holidays and other events go off okay, but usually they don't. If it's something with my family, especially my mother or sister, I just have to brace myself to spend the entire ride home and the rest of the night until my uBPDw exhausts herself, hearing about how selfish/demanding/controlling/unstable/mean someone in my family is. Interactions with outsiders - especially my family - significantly increase the likelihood of things turning ugly.

I've given up on our taking vacations, because I don't want to spend thousands of dollars to be told all night what a crumb I am in another state or country; we can stay home and do that for free. So the only time we take trips anymore is when my parents invite us to come with them, and she ends up ruining it for everyone and embarrassing me with her behavior. I admit, I've lost my patience to suffer in silence and cover for her to save us both embarrassment. These days, when she's trying to needle me in a way that she thinks others won't notice, I call her on it, so that she can't help but know that they know--which they do. The only person she was fooling by being "subtle" was herself.

It makes me sick and sad that her inability to moderate her reactions and emotions ruins so many things for my parents and our 6-year-old daughter. Eventually, our daughter will be old enough that my wife will have to admit she can go on trips with her grandparents without us, at which point our daughter will get a few days' break from the tension that generally dominates our house. And my wife will have a few days to yell at me without having to worry about upsetting our daughter--which she usually doesn't worry about anyway, though I do, alot.

[formflier]

. These days, when she's trying to needle me in a way that she thinks others won't notice, I call her on it, so that she can't help but know that they know--which they do. The only person she was fooling by being "subtle" was herself.

Very interested in the way you go about calling her on it and her reactions... . and your reactions to her reactions... . the cycle.

Thanks for sharing this.

For tonight... I have my daughter set up to drive me to my medical screening.  My current plan is that even if I have a happy wife when I get home... I'm going with the daughter.  I'm stressed enough with the medical thing... . MRI... . I don't like tight spaces... that I don't want to worry about a dysregulation... .

Good grief...

[an0ught]

Hi formflier,

hope it all goes well, it is a bit scary going into the tight tube  .

While you may be scared and worried your wife may be picking up a bit and amplifying it in her head.

It's great that you got someone else to drive so you are less stressed about the procedure.

[1BrickShort]

How did it go?

I'm glad you have someone else you can rely on for things like this. MRI's are important!

I still hang out with my d x BiP/BPD/ASD and the planning part always gets me. We have made some plans to do things for the next 6 months or so (not medical events, but summer plans and concerts, etc) and every dang time I do this, it just pisses me off b/c THERE WILL BE DRAMA and then it shoots all the plans sky high.

I, however, forget when she's stable

I have learned that I cannot rely on her for anything important. It sucks, but it's so true.

[empathic]

In my experience, you plan for them as normal, but you don't get married to the plan. We have about a 50% chance on any given day of having an episode of dysregulation and pointless-but-infinitely-escalating arguments over nothing; important events heighten her basic insecurity and neurosis, and make episodes more likely. Sometimes holidays and other events go off okay, but usually they don't. If it's something with my family, especially my mother or sister, I just have to brace myself to spend the entire ride home and the rest of the night until my uBPDw exhausts herself, hearing about how selfish/demanding/controlling/unstable/mean someone in my family is. Interactions with outsiders - especially my family - significantly increase the likelihood of things turning ugly.

I've given up on our taking vacations, because I don't want to spend thousands of dollars to be told all night what a crumb I am in another state or country; we can stay home and do that for free. So the only time we take trips anymore is when my parents invite us to come with them, and she ends up ruining it for everyone and embarrassing me with her behavior. I admit, I've lost my patience to suffer in silence and cover for her to save us both embarrassment. These days, when she's trying to needle me in a way that she thinks others won't notice, I call her on it, so that she can't help but know that they know--which they do. The only person she was fooling by being "subtle" was herself.

It makes me sick and sad that her inability to moderate her reactions and emotions ruins so many things for my parents and our 6-year-old daughter. Eventually, our daughter will be old enough that my wife will have to admit she can go on trips with her grandparents without us, at which point our daughter will get a few days' break from the tension that generally dominates our house. And my wife will have a few days to yell at me without having to worry about upsetting our daughter--which she usually doesn't worry about anyway, though I do, alot.

Really sorry that you're going through this. I feel the same way about vacations. Lots of money down the drain over the years. There's also an upcoming event this summer that my sister has invited us to, but I'm reluctant to take my wife there as she completely ruined it the last time. On the other hand, I'll feel bad missing out on it (and so will the kids). Me going there with the kids would send my wife into strong feelings of abandonment.

[formflier]

How did it go?

I'm glad you have someone else you can rely on for things like this. MRI's are important!

Didn't go well.  I took two of the pills to relax me.  Daughter was late.  I went in the tube two times and came back out... . quickly.   Evaluating options.


The next day my wife seemed very normal.  Said she was sorry that she didn't go.  Had a very "normal" conversation.  I brought up that I had been doing research and had found a style of therapy that might help... and talked some about DBT.

BPD was not mentioned... that she may have problem was not mentioned... just that this could be a way to work through feelings more effectively.

I think she did some google research on it. 

Had a couple nice days... . and them some light grumbling.  This morning there was a bunch of muttering and "stomping" around the house.  Tonight seems normal to good.

At some point I'll have to find time to bring up DBT again and see if there is any traction there.

And... at some point I'll have to face the MRI tube again... . with more meds... .