The car - did I handle this well?

[maxsterling]

I'm sure you all can probably find familiarity with this story.  She bought a car about a year ago.  She felt it was something she absolutely needed after moving here.  So she used what money she had as a down payment, and got an economical used car at a decent price and a good payment.  And her mood went from extremely sour to good for a few weeks. 

The past few months, she's more and more unhappy with the car.  The windshield cracked and it needed replacement.  The paint top coat is peeling.  But most of all, she says it is not big enough and not good when we have a child (here tying her car into her future of a baby and marriage).  So she has been OBSESSING about her car for weeks. 

Tuesday, she got done with an internship, and then called me while I was at work to tell me she was going to stop by an auto dealership.  She promised she would not buy a new car, she said she just wanted to see how a trade in would work.  So, she stopped, spent two hours there, and then left.  I was prepared for a full blowout when I got home.  But, all she said was "those people are idiots" and "my car is just fine for now."  Whew.

Then today, she did the same thing.  She had the afternoon off, said she was going to stop by an auto dealer just to look.  Umm.  The real reason is that she didn't want to go home and face herself and the important issues, such as figuring out whether she wants to take this job, cleaning, and laundry.  So she avoided reality by shopping for a car.  She periodically sent me text messages to tell me she was still there.  And that they were offering her a great deal  .  Of course, I was frustrated.

I'm frustrated because it's obvious this is her BPD/addiction brain working. 

I'm frustrated that she chose to do this rather than do the housework that she is neglecting.

I'm frustrated because two weeks ago she was freaking out about money and telling me she should have not bought her car and that she should sell it and just borrow mine.

I'm frustrated because I am trying to work towards some kind of stability, and she seems to want to undermine it.

My frustrations were probably coming through via text message, but I kept my cool.  She then said "they are giving me a great deal and if you co-signed the loan the payments would be less than 400 per month!"  Sh---  I about snapped.  No mood to validate here, but she was in a decent mood, so I was just firm and honest - "400 is not a good payment,  what are you paying now, 230.  That's 200 more you would have to pay every month? And just two weeks ago you were telling me you could not afford that and wanted to sell your car."

"Yeah, you are right."

But then she texted an hour later to tell me she was still there, and she is tempted.  GRRR.  I then told her bluntly - "You will get the same deal 6 months from now.  Trust me. "  But, I refrained from letting my frustration really show. And I think I handled it without either validating what was a really bad idea, or without being too invalidating.  Just stating the facts.  She replied that she would not get as good of a deal 6 months from now because her trade in would have lost value. 

On my way home, I was sure I would have it from her tonight, how I don't support her, etc, etc.  And I was nearly sure this would be the issue that finally broke this r/s.  And I was ready to lay it down in front of her, "honey, I certainly understand the appeal of buying new things.  And I want to support you in ways that would make you happier or make you feel more secure.  But I don't see where this is going to make you happy, and I will not cosign anything with you until you have a job that you stick with for 6 months so that I can feel secure that I won't have to cover all the payments."  But, I didn't have to say that, because she came home, and gave me a hug, and said she wasn't going to do that again.  Of course, that is what she said on Tuesday. 

[cosmonaut]

Sounds like you did well.  You controlled your emotions and set boundaries.  You might not have had it in you to validate, but you didn't invalidate either.  You just kept it very even and rational.  And she seemed to respond well.   I think you might be being too hard on yourself.  Sounds like you did well!   

[Aussie0zborn]

You handled that very well.  Congratulations. Keeping your cool is very important when dealing with your partner's impulsiveness. Well done.  

[seeking balance]

  You controlled your emotions and set boundaries.  You might not have had it in you to validate, but you didn't invalidate either. 

I couldn't have said it any better.

Good job 

Let it go now 

[Pecator]

Absolutely!

If I ever get the chance and decide to work it out, I would so follow your lead. You are…well…the master!

But as you cautioned, this could come 'round again. Take SB's advice. Let it go. And rest up.

This BPD is so exhausting!

[Surnia]

yes, well done, maxsterling!