Are there any others in this strange situation?

[Mexgal]

I don't even know where to begin... . recently I was reunited with my now 19DD. I live in one country, her in another. It took me 10 years to get a divorce from her abusive narcissitic father, that still to this day plays emotionally deadly games with her mind. We were reunited, recently when her therapist convinced her that she needed to have me in her life. I flew in from where I live now, to be reunited with her, knowing she had been diagnosed last year with BPD, but not understanding anything about it. She's a cutter, attempted 4 suicides, has replaced cutting with piercings and tattoos now, shaves her head and colours it neon colours. All the "classic" signs. She tells me that last May, which was her last attempt, she was taken to emergency by friends, finally diagnosed, put under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist and when the narcissist found out what she had done, he was furious for what she had done by exposing his family to such embarrassment, etc. A fight ensued, and she no longer lives under his roof.

The first week with her was euphoric and we were inseparable, but all the signs were there, now I know since coming home and reading books on BPD. Out of the blue, at the end of the 2nd week, she'd been spending time with the narcissist, she flew into a rage with me over a general conversation I'd had earlier with one of her friends about where I lived and if ever they wanted to come and visit, they could stay with us. I have never been so scared in my life, and for a moment thought she was going to physically hurt me. Of course, I did everything wrong with her, not knowing how to respond to false accusations, etc and tried to "protect" myself and arguing with her that it never meant I loved her friend and wanted to spend time with them instead of her, etc, etc.

Now, I've returned home and she refuses to talk to me and our parting words were that she hated me, I'd ruined her life and I wasn't her mother. I have been physically sick since then, not knowing how to fix this, wanting to fix this. She won't return my calls, and I'm sure that the narcissist is still working her over. I know it's her disorder, but I can't stop thinking about how the first week could have been so perfect, and shift so violently, so fast. The vortex of emotions I am feeling are all consuming and I have no idea what to do now.

Is there anything, anyone can suggest, or anyone that has been in this strange situation like me?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear mexgal

I am sorry that things turned from good to bad so quickly... . must have been a shock to you and I would be also hurt by the sudden change.

I think what has worked for some people in the past is writing a letter to your daughter... . Valerie Porr talks about this in her book "Overcoming BPD"... . this isn't a letter to point out what she did wrong but simply a short letter to apologize for what you did wrong in this encounter... . that can be very simply put and I know it has worked for me in the past... . I think sometimes they just can't hear our words but a letter has a way of getting through to them... .

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Maxgal,

And welcome to the Parenting board!

I am so sorry about what you are going through... . Being estranged from a child is one of the worst pains I know of... .

We are also in a similar situation with my step-daughter, who developed BPD. She is a sensitive girl and on top of her illness, over the years her mom has been able to mess with her head so much so that the girl is now coming up with very strange stories and seems to remember history very differently (different stories depending on the day you talk to her). And what used to be a close bond between at her and her daddy has currently transformed into a strained relationship with periods of no communication... .

The pain of watching her struggle and not being able to reach her at this moment is excruciating for my husband... . While there is hope, some of the information we have read on these complicated situations is discouraging.

From your post, I can see that you do realize that there is more at play than just your daughter's BPD (which would be hard enough). Your ex husband's influence on her can be a strong destabilizing force in this dynamic... .

Please keep posting... . this forum is a really good place for parents of children w/BPD.

In addition to educating yourself as best as you can on BPD (books on that and this forum is full of resources for that), I want to encourage you to also educate yourself on the issue of re-uniting with your child after a long period of estrangement through divorce. There are some great books on that, the one I would recommend to start is this one: Divorce Poison- Richard A. Warshak, PhD (I have read it, and it has lots of useful practical information on the topic of what to do and what to avoid doing when a child is being poisoned and manipulated against us through divorce). Much of that has already happened in both our and your case, but understanding it and avoiding the common mistakes can be really helpful.

Are you in touch with your older girl, or has she not re-connected with you as of yet after all these years?

I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing you on these boards.



Pessim-optimist

[Mexgal]

Thanks so much for the advice from both of you. I will definitely get those books and keep reading.

I've already considered writing a letter to her, but something I'd read, or so I'd thought, was to not take blame for something you hadn't done? I think it was "stop walking on eggshells". I can apologize for inviting her friend and tell her I didn't realize it hurt her so much, but what if I get into that situation again. When people learn where we live, they always say they want to come and visit, and under normal situations we generally just tell people that'd be great to have company. But now if my D ever talks to me again, I feel trapped, and shouldn't say anything.

Also in the letter I wanted to address the 8 year estrangement and the horrors of what I went through to try and see them, but their narcissistic father literally brainwashed them, and one minute my kids loved me and within 4-6 weeks they wanted nothing to do with me. How do I explain to her without her severing ties completely with me or having a serious relapse that I tried with all my might to see her, but had to finally give up. I felt I had only two options, continue down the path of his abuse (which caused me to have a nervous breakdown) or move on with my life, so that if they ever wanted to see me again, I would be healthy. I know with her disorder she won't see things or process anything I tell her like others would, as I've found out she swung from thinking I was an angel on our reunite to now thinking I'm the devil again... .

[jellibeans]

Dear mexgal

There is another post that is talking about writing a letter... . here is a quote from that post

It's on page 331, and officially called "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration" in the book, and is the 2nd paragraph down from the top of page 331:

Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

The simple line above is very generic but I think addresses the pain your dd is in. Your letter doesn't have to be long... . I think the shorter the better... .

[Mexgal]

Thanks so much jellibeans! That's an amazing, powerful declaration... . I'll run with it!

Which book is that from?

[jellibeans]

That is from the Valerie Porr book Overcoming BPD... . great book

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks so much jellibeans! That's an amazing, powerful declaration... . I'll run with it!

Which book is that from?

The book is "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr. Here's the book review: Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder.

It's my own personal BPD Bible, and is dog-eared, highlighted, and discolored on the top of the pages by a spilled latte, but I love it 

[pessim-optimist]

Dear Mexgal,

Reaching out with your love is the best thing you can do for your daughter and for yourself... . Open the door for her, so she knows she's welcome. The good news about BPD is that their emotions and therefore their perception of reality is likely to change. In this case it can work in your favor.

One of the things that I remember from some of my own reading on re-uniting with children after a long time is to understand that their memories may be very different from your memory of the past, and also that the child wants to be able to voice their pain and sorrow and be validated and heard. (that they are not necessarily interested in our story, and definitely they are not interested or ready to hear that it was their other parent that caused it - even though it may be true, that is likely to backfire). That actually happened to us, and it caused a lot of damage... .

You can even search on the internet for information on "reuniting with a child after a long separation" or some similar search, and there are lots of articles (and book recommendations) that might help you understand where your daughter is at.

Of course, it will be more complicated because of her BPD, but the regular issues will be there as well - it's good to know how to navigate those.

[Stella1425]

It's from Overcoming Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr. I'm just now reading that book and finding it very helpful. I am the one that's thinking of writing a letter. I must give it much more thought however.   

[peaceplease]

Mexgal,

Welcome to the parents board.  I am so sorry for all that you are going through with your daughter.  I am so sorry that you experienced the separation from your children.  I am glad that her therapist suggested having you in her life.

As you can see there is much support here!    I hope you will continue to keep us updated.

peaceplease

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders