Sad day

[Chicken Soup]

It's been a long time coming, but I told my wife last night "Either we get counseling, or in 4 years, when our youngest son graduates from high school, we get divorced."

It's quiet this morning around the house.  We'll see what happens the next couple of days.  One day at a time.

[In_n_Out]

Four years is a long time out and I know that in the case of my pwBPD, she can't hardly figure out what she's doing the next day and if she does, she will change her mind a half dozen times or so.  So yes, one day at a time but perhaps with a gentle nudging to help HER come to the decision that counseling would be a good thing for the both of you instead of putting her before the cliff saying "turn around or we perish".  My opinion of course. 

[Chicken Soup]

Thank you In_n_Out.

I've asked her to go to counseling before, so I'm not holding my breath.  This is the first time I've mentioned divorce. 

I've had practical reasons for not divorcing her yet - I would still have to deal with her (two teenagers under 18) and finances.

If I'm serious about this, I need to talk to a lawyer.  And read the boards here.

[goingtostopthis]

Id say 4 years is too long away. She'll forget about it. 

[ugghh]

Go talk to the lawyer.  Know where you stand.

I too was going to wait - 25 year marriage, youngest is currently junior in high school.  I left house 3 weeks before Xmas and have not spent a night there since.  The kids all chose to live with me because mom is to quote them " batsh#t crazy"

I arrived at my decision after 18 months of counseling and a lot of careful thought.  Yes we had done marriage counseling, marriage recovery weekends, etc.  Finally I realized she will never change. The very nature of this disease makes them very unlikely to admit they have anything to do with issues in your relationship.

Also I highly recommend a therapist for just you. It sounds as if you have been at this a long time.  An outsider looking in can help you cut through the noise

[an0ught]

Hi Chicken Soup,

Thank you In_n_Out.

I've asked her to go to counseling before, so I'm not holding my breath.  This is the first time I've mentioned divorce. 

I've had practical reasons for not divorcing her yet - I would still have to deal with her (two teenagers under 18) and finances.

If I'm serious about this, I need to talk to a lawyer.  And read the boards here.

it is good that you are getting serious about making changes. Keep in mind that there is a thin line between being assertive, being passive aggressive and issuing a threat. It may be good to review DEARMAN for how to do strong pushes for what you want. If you want to go down the couple therapy road maybe it helps to become more concrete on what you have in mind with reasonable levels of commitment expected from her.