Staying Until She Finishes School-Advice Needed

[ATLandon]

Hey all. It has been a while since I posted here. Life has been crazy between getting a roommate, losing my job, and handling all the stress that goes along with those things on top of life.

Anyways, I'm posting because I have more or less come to the decision that I'm divorcing my uBPDwife eventually, once she finishes school and gets a job in her new career field. That will be at least another 2-3 years. In the meantime I'm also going back to school and working on saving money away. My uBPDw has managed to blow through over $50k of my life's savings/inheritance since we have been married. We're living from paycheck to paycheck, which I've never done before in my life it scares the living hell out of me every waking moment. It barely phases her. No obvious signs of remorse when I bring up how much we had in savings and should have held on to it. And, truthfully, I can't put all the blame on her for the loss of my money. I let myself be manipulated and encouraged to spend money when I knew better. It just makes me sick with myself... . and her.

I barely have a relationship with my immediate family these days because of the strain my uBPDwife has caused with them, along with personal issues of my own from being transgender and my family not handling it well. In spite of this, I'm writing a letter to my mother today. As painful and dysfunctional my relationship with my family can be I do miss them terribly. I'm not telling my wife about reaching out to them. I feel that this only get in the way of any sort of possibility of mending things with my family, who I may need when I leave my uBPDwife.

Anyways, I'm looking for advice on how to make plans to leave eventually. Aside from saving money away in a secret account, reconnecting with family, and slowly detach emotionally, what else can/should I do?

[seeking balance]

ATLandon,

You might get better advice on the legal board with this - would you like me to move your thread?

[ATLandon]

ATLandon,

You might get better advice on the legal board with this - would you like me to move your thread?

Seeking Balance,

   I'm fine with the post being moved wherever will yield the best and most relevant answers. Thanks for the consideration.

[Nope]

First, good call on trying to reconnect with family during this difficult time. But also make sure to reaffirm any existing connections with good friends whom you trust. A support system really does make a difference, as many here will attest to.

Read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy. It is highly recommended for anyone trying to get out of a marriage with someone with BPD.

Also, talk to a lawyer. This doesn't mean you need to retain one right now, but there may be some important state-specific considerations that you haven't thought of. For instance, does that extra couple of years put one or the other of you at risk for having to pay alimony? Or did you know that in some states you have to be legally seperated for a year before you can file for divorce?

Also, please know that if you get caught squirreling money away during the division of assets you can end up getting more trouble than you bargain for. In some states she may be entitled to the full amount of anything you've hidden. Not to say that there aren't ways, but you should know the risks.

Also, read the stories posted by others on this site and heed the warnings. I've seen someone post recently about being angry that he supported his wife the whole time she was in school and then she decided not to get a job in her field when she got done so he ended up stuck paying alimony anyway. Not saying that would or could happen for you, but pwBPD are unpredictable so ending up in a situation where you are counting on her to do something may be a losing proposition.

[maxen]

First, good call on trying to reconnect with family during this difficult time. But also make sure to reaffirm any existing connections with good friends whom you trust. A support system really does make a difference, as many here will attest to.

i will attest to that.

[ForeverDad]

I'll comment on the practical matters.  Having a religious background, I found it hard to even imagine or contemplate divorce much less actually do it.  Yet that is what happened to me and many others here.  It never got better, it never stayed the same, over time the conflict, demands and dysfunctional relationship just got worse.  In other words, there was no other choice if I were to protect myself and my parenting.

There are risks to staying married "for a few more years".  First and foremost, what if during that time you two have children?  You both may agree not to have children but... . "Oops, I forgot!" or "Oops, I don't know how that happened!"  Right now, you can make a relatively clean break.  If you have children during the next few years, it's vastly more complicated for decades to come.

Second, you've been married for less than a year.  Short marriages should be simpler to unwind.  Yes, you've been together for several years and your state may count that unofficial time together, depending on your state's laws and whether you lived together or not during that time.  If you lived separately then maybe possible palimony laws don't apply.

There is a truism here, the longer you're involved, the harder it is to make a break.  What if she doesn't finish her classes as soon as you planned?  What if she has a baby (or babies) in the next few years?  Apparently thus far she hasn't made false allegations of DV to the police or elsewhere but the longer you're together the higher that risk.  (In my case, having a child actually triggered her more, caused higher conflicts and forced a quicker and more drastic end to the marriage.)  And what if, as mentioned above, she gets her training but then sits back and doesn't do anything with it to find work?

Third, here behaviors are likely to get worse, not get better or stay the same.  Can you handle that prospect?  If you stayed together, would be be in an emotionally better state or a worse one?  Frankly, if I may borrow an old saying, why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

So list out the advantages, list out the disadvantages (and increased risks), compare them and make an informed and more confident decision.

Understand too that you have the right and obligation to periodically review, reconsider and adjust prior decisions in the light of more information, subsequent incidents and improved objectivity.  If you decide to "stay for now" you can and should reexamine that decision periodically.  Be aware, if you feel 'stuck' then that means it's time to reevaluate your decisions sooner rather than later.

Sadly, you can't fix her, while you might be able to point the way, only she can fix herself, almost always with guidance from a professional.  However that will never happen unless she wants it.  She's an adult, you can't control her choices.  On the flip side, you're an adult too, you can control your choices.

[Waddams]

Any money you save she's likely to try to make a claim for later.  Sometimes divorcing when there's nothing left to divide is easier.  She can rail about what she wants, you can show the judge the account balance for a dose of reality.

But generally waiting just makes it worse in the future.