I don't want to hurt anymore

[DiamondSW]

Guys,

Willy, Weasel, Surrender,

This is crackers!  And I use the word 'crackers' not because I'm a stereotypical Englishman, but but because I can't think of any other way of putting into words (respectfully) how we have/are all acting (myself at the top of the list). 

Come on.  I have one post where a lady is telling me how amazing her BPDexbf is regarding his intellect, another sounding like he is falling apart because he is missing her (what seems to be awful) behaviour, and I'm looking back at personal therapy and hospital bills which would have bought me a beautiful sports car... . and for what?

There is a healthy time to 'grieve' these relationships.  It's healthy, human and dare I say it 'emotionally normal' to be hurt, upset, goodness -even 'broken' after what I know can be outrageously hurtful and damaging words and deeds by our exes.

But guys, spending years of your precious lives thinking/stewing about these people is too much.  There's no miracle waiting around the corner other than the miracle that all of you guys could have a really happy future... . if you let these people go.

Radical acceptance... . yuck... . I hate that term!  It's cold, uncaring, indeed the whole concept of 'radical' reminds me of the 'whoosh' as I went from being important in her life to being absolutely irrelevant... .   think it happened over about an hour at Kew in London. whoosh... .   Diamond "You don't matter"... .   she didn't say the words, but the actions said a thousand times more... .

But what I have 'got' after 6mths NC is real acceptance in the form of my personal understanding about her... . yes, the forum members here all say 'assess yourself... . what bad things did you bring to the relationship?'... . well, tbh, 6mths later, therapy etc etc, I know I brought a lot (A LOT) of good to the relationship.  I was happy, healthy, successful, my life was going well... . and then, 10mths of BPD relationship and it all came crashing down.  Yes, I played my part, but my part was 10%, hers was 90%.  That's just the facts. 

So I did my best.  So did you guys.  So stop the self punishment. 

Secondly, my ex was beautiful, adorable, oh my goodness, the kind of girl any man would fall in love with VERY quickly... .   but the FACTS again spoke out to me... .   she wasn't just angry at life, she was furious.  She wasn't just lonely, she was alone.  She wasn't just financially ticking over, she was 100% reliant on others.  She wasn't just naieve about the world, she didn't really want to know -she purposefully locked herself in a bubble and expected someone else (me) to forge her a life where she had security (a home), children, even a career... .   she looked to me to 'create' that career for her... . and I even started it. 

So basically, she was ill.  Very ill.  Very waif like... . and she was 30, not 21.  She was like this before she met me, she changed for maybe 2 mths, but it was too hard for her and she reverted back to waif, blaming me for her problems... .

I felt bad.  of course I did.  But her problems were not caused by me. 

Guys, this illness has love at the core.  Of lack of love.  It strikes a nerve and makes up want to protect and cherish someone.  But normal people pick themselves up off the ground.  They may need a little help, heck my parents financially helped me when I needed it after Uni, but BPD people need CONSTANT everything... . LOVE, MONEY, VALIDATING etc.

It's too much. 

Your relationships didn't work.  My one didn't work.  My goodness did we try... . almost to the brink in a few cases.  But what for?  Nothing will have changed... . you can see him/her tomorrow and they won't have changed... .   but you might have... .

I have a real chance now;  I've met someone lovely.  And I mean by the word 'lovely'... . well, human, kind, thoughtful.  Do I miss my exes beauty?  Of course.  Do I miss her voice?  Goodness yes.  Do I wish I could put my arms around her at night?  Yes.  But do I want the pain of her and the games... . no way!  Do I want to know what it feels like to be loved?  Yes... .   so... . how am I going to 'find it?'... .

The answer is simple... . through detaching, moving on, and maybe taking a chance with someone else. 

You guys have all 'paid a heavy price'... .   now is the time to think about your futures.  It's ben a lesson for all of us... . but don't be fooled by the BPD rollercoaster and BPD words any more.  Please like yourselves and gradually feel a fondness for yourself again;  you can live fresh in the knowledge that your exes will continue to feel nothing about anyone or anything, certainly not healthy love. 

I written an essay, but I'm mid 30's... . what are you guys?  come on... . we can all do this... . and be happy... . AND well... .  

look after yourselves 

[willy45]

Ha ha. That's awesome. Thanks for the post. I agree. All the self help stuff sometimes just doesn't help. The people we were with were ill. We fell into it. We got out. Time to move on for real.

[Surrender]

Boy did I need that Diamond! I mean you whipped my noggin into shape real good haha. I know everything you said is true and those are the things I keep telling myself. Strange how regardless of how many years down the road they will still be who and what they are today but yes we have a real chance at life and at living.

There is Hope indeed! Thanks for that Diamond you have a great mind and heart!

Time to move on indeed and to be honest I'm looking forward to normal. I was forgetting what that looked like and I may need a refresher. 

[DiamondSW]

Normal... . well here in the UK it's nearly half one in the morning...

I've just come off the phone having chatted an hr to a fun, articulate and interesting young woman all about the new Muppet movie which has just come out... . we discussed Kermit the frog and his evil nemesis Constantine the frog... .   and how he's Russian and v dodgy!

Guys. that's normal... . (well ish, we are in our 30's) 

With my BPD ex all I can remember are the conversations about 'needing space' and 'not being able to make sense of the world' and 'let go and let god'... .  

Give me the muppets any day!  (sorry to ruin your thread willy) 

Life is for laughing, good company... . not feeling suicidal and crying and alone... .   I've 'done' that -its BPD hell and I don't have BPD or any other mental illness... .   my T says so!       her!

[oldweasel]

Diamond,

Thanks for the not so subtle kick in the arse. All of what you said is spot on, now I only have to do is move. Thanks and cheers. 

[willy45]

Hi Pink Parchment,

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the words. Yes. I guess it is about doing it day by day and making sure to do things that are enjoyable. I'm really into white water kayaking. Hopefully the snow finally melts up here and I can get out there and do that. Maybe get back into painting. I really appreciate the thoughts.

This really sucks because I was over ever even thinking about contacting her again. I would get waves of pain every now and again but they would go away. I would be able to avoid and stay away. That was the smart person thinking.

After her contact, it is just so easy to get drawn back in. She wants to be best friends (whatever that means). She also told me she didn't want to talk about our past relationship and just wanted to move forward but then went into a huge laundry list of all the terrible things I did to her. Too crazy.

So yes. I think I'm mourning the relationship I had with the person I thought she was, not the person that she really is. I have been finding it hard to trust my judgement because the good was SO good that I feel I must have been mistaken about the bad. But, the bad was SO bad. I never thought I would have to hide from my partner on a regular basis just to stop the rage. That's pretty bad.

Thanks though. Very thoughtful post. I really appreciate it.

[Clearmind]

Willy can I clarify if you originally split with your ex mid 2012? If so, have there been many recycles in the last 2 years? When was the last break up?