I've had enough abuse

[sadinsweden]

For several weeks, we've been doing fine. But every month, around the 25th of the month (when he gets paid and I've run out of money) my SoBPD dysregulates. Tonight we went out. Had a lovely time. It's springtime and sunshine in Sweden. But then ... .

After several drinks (he doesn't do well with wine)... . he abandoned me in the city because he's gotten angry at me (this is becoming a lifestyle ... . him taking another tram or bus home and leaving me in the city alone).  I'm left to find my way home, which is not a big deal now that I've lived in Sweden in for almost two years ... . but it is disrespectful and unnecessary. It's knee jerk reaction and childish. Regardless, I can find my way home (which was not the case when I first relocated here) ... . but I have set a boundary that this should never happen again. And yet, it has. 

We get home. He rages at me. Spits in my face ... . Three times. Rages some more. Tells me that I'm fat (Yes, I have gained weight since moving here... . due to stress, or different cultural eating but I'm certainly not obese ... . just bigger than I once was. I used to weight 120 pounds. I am getting older. I have a tummy) He tells me "You are a hippo" "Look at you" "You are Sponge Bob" "You are Mr. square pants". He spits in my face several more times. I sit and take it. Oddly, it doesn't even hurt my feelings. It doesn't even surprise me. My thinking is that by doing nothing, I'll give him nothing to use against me. I leave to go into another room. He follows me.

He bought food for our cats. He left it at the bus stop as a punishment to me. He probably has not really left it there because he paid for it, so he probably put it in the basement, but tells me, demands that I go and find it. He says he has left it at the bus stop and if I don't want our cats to starve I have to go get it. This is a game because no way would he waste money in such a manner.  It's a game to get me to go out and look for cat food (in my new tote bag) which will never be found because he's in fact, probably hidden it somewhere. I do not go to search for the cat food. I will not give him the satisfaction.

And he continues raging at me ... I close the kitchen door to "escape" into the living room. He removes the door (off it's hinges) and puts the door in the kitchen on the floor. I ignore this. I leave to go to the bedroom to go to sleep. He comes into the bedroom. He turns the TV up full blast.

I tell him he has crossed a line tonight. He tells me I have too (?).

I don't know what my thinking was. I thought that by remaining absolutely silent it would give no fuel to the fire. Let him deal with the verbal and physical abuse he has dealt to me himself when he finally comes around to understanding what he has done and how he has now treated me. He will reflect on this, believe me. I asked him ":)o you feel like a man now?" I've done nothing but take the abuse. Yes, I am aware this is enabling.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd ever be the victim of abuse. My childhood and first marriage did not include any such behavior. It was not until I moved to Sweden that I experienced abuse. I am 52 years old. Tonight I allowed it so as to not get into any more physical altercations... . let him spit on me, call me fat, just don't hit me. I was lost. I am lost. I want to go home to the US but have no money to be able to do so, so I have no choice but to take the abuse. I am stuck and sad in Sweden ... . I don't even recognize myself anymore. I have become nothing here in Sweden... I am slowly being erased. This was supposed to be a better life and yet, I am dependent on this abusive man for my food, and survival.

[MissyM]

Have you tried the American Consulate?  I know when I was younger and working abroad, we were told that if something happened to contact the American Consulate.  They should help you, as you are a US citizen.

[SweetCharlotte]

If the U.S. Consulate cannot help you, there are women's shelters. You may be able to stay at one while working toward paying your passage back home, if necessary. Also, many European countries are now paying for immigrants to return to their native lands. It sounds horrible, but it might be an opportunity for you.

You are living with a terrorist and it is of the utmost importance to remove yourself from that situation.

[waverider]

One way or another you will have to remove yourself from this situation, as it is not just going to fade back to "normal", it will in fact escalate. There is nothing at all at the moment stopping him from dumping all over you. Even this dumping will not sate whatever is driving it, so it will increase, then he will subconsciously blame you for this not making him feel better. It then escalates even more until it becomes physical.

You will hate yourself for letting yourself get into this. You will feel worthless.

Your options may not be great, but this is not your best one.

[casey1099]

Contact www.roks.se, a network of women's shelter in sweden. you must remove yourself as soon as possible. get back home to the us. you dont deserve this...

[sadinsweden]

Thank you everyone. Casey1099 thank you for that link. I think I'm a little in shock this morning. I have made arrangements to stay with a friend tonight and tomorrow. I will call the hotline number because I could use someone to talk to and find some options.

[sadinsweden]

I am so sad, I don't even know how to process it.

[Aussie0zborn]

You handled that very well and I could imagine how you feel after you have processed it.  I do hope you get out of there fast. Work out a way to get your things... . maybe ask the police or a friend to accompany you.

What will you do if you get the big apology and the promise that he will never do it again? Are you prepared for this?

[Surnia]

A big, big hug to you, sadinsweden. 

I can so relate with your sadness - its such a hard thing anyway and more difficult in a foreign country.

Great you have a place to stay for tonight and tomorrow. Being away from him can help to clear your thoughts.

Sending you strength. 

[WalrusGumboot]

Normally they isolate you, then the abuse starts.

Spitting in your face? I cannot think of anything more demeaning!

I hope you get out of there soon! Please take care and keep us posted.

[sadinsweden]

Where yesterday I was sad, today I am PI**ED. I am angry because this guy, who I knew for 15 years, tricked me into selling my house, my car, giving up my career, leaving my sons, so I could move here to be spit in the face. I am so sick of the abuse, the stupid game playing, the insults, the accusations, the fault finding, the manipulation. As this guy was repeatedly spitting in my face, I looked into his eyes. Do you know what I saw? I saw that he enjoyed it.  ….

You know what? It’s not even worth my energy to write about it. Congratulations ___hole. You took a great love and turned it into hate.

I have better things to do with my life.

[goldylamont]

Where yesterday I was sad, today I am PI**ED. I am angry because this guy, who I knew for 15 years, tricked me into selling my house, my car, giving up my career, leaving my sons, so I could move here to be spit in the face. I am so sick of the abuse, the stupid game playing, the insults, the accusations, the fault finding, the manipulation. As this guy was repeatedly spitting in my face, I looked into his eyes. Do you know what I saw? I saw that he enjoyed it.  ….

You know what? It’s not even worth my energy to write about it. Congratulations ___hole. You took a great love and turned it into hate.

I have better things to do with my life.

even though it may not feel 'good', i think it is a good thing that you are feeling anger right now. your anger is trying to protect you--it is telling you to LEAVE. and i feel you are realizing this message it is giving you from you last post above. please do heed this warning.

so terrible you are experiencing this. it's astounding how people can hide their true selves for so long. my ex and my situation were less dangerous than yours, however i do identify with looking into their eyes and seeing them enjoying the pain they are inflicting on you. some people may try and tell you that this isn't real and that he's not conscious of what he's doing, but just trust your instincts on this. i believe some people are emotional vampires, in the sense that their survival depends on sucking the life force out of other people. they have this sick need so they are masters at controlling people to get this fix.

the verbal abuse and calling you 'fat' has nothing to do with how beautiful you are. this is about control for him. it's easier for him to keep abusing you if he breaks down your self esteem to the point where you accept more of his abuse. he probably has no sense of self, of who he is other than his needs in the moment. so he will try and destroy your sense of self and gain some type of identity for himself, but he can't.

your sadness and your anger are good things in the sense that at least now you know that your emotions *work*. they are functioning, does not feel good but overall it is good. they are fighting to keep your sense of self and self esteem alive. the same way that your body naturally vomits if you eat food poisoning--you feel terrible and sick, but the reason for this is to save your life.

i believe you may have been 'detaching' during his last rage where he was spitting and abusive. detachment is a form of coping with extremely emotional situations. your sadness and anger were building inside you then but it probably wasn't safe for you to feel them at such an extreme time, so these emotions waited until you could get into more of a safe space, then they come back full force to tell you something.

you aren't what he says you are. and he isn't what he claims to be. you are still the beautiful woman you were before this abuse started. and it is this beauty that he is attracted to and what you must protect. my heart goes out to you sadinsweden 

[Fly Like An Eagle]

SadinSweden,

I was thinking today about what I read on your post yesterday and I must say that you should be very proud of the way you have handled yourself.  Not only have you responded well to his spitting on your face, which I was shocked to read about, but you have taken in great stride the fact that he insulted you about your weight.  In my book, there is no worse offense a man can make on a woman than play with her self-esteem related to weight issues.

I say the above because you really deserve better.  You can move on from this guy, but if you decide to stay with him, he needs to make the effort to treat you as the great person and human being that you really are.

Cheers!

[sadinsweden]

I think one of the things that living with a BPD has done for me (in a positive sense) is make me realize what I am and what I am not. Over the last several months, as the BPD would rage and insult me, I’d think to myself, “I can’t possibly be that horrible?” I did a lot of soul searching over the last year. Also being an immigrant trying to integrate in a new country, experiencing culture shock and displacement, contributes to some considerable enlightenment. None of this is pretty but it is powerful stuff.

So, goldylamont and Fly Like An Eagle, while the comments about my being a “hippo” really (really) hurt … I also know the truth. I am 25-30 pounds overweight. Most of it put on here in Sweden. But I also know that I am perhaps healthier than when I arrived here. I walk A LOT. If, when, I lose that weight ... . I’ll find muscles I didn’t know existed before. And I look forward to that. So thanks to my BPD for pointing it out. Too bad he will never get to enjoy my new rocking body.

I came home this morning to reacquaint myself with some work obligations (I work from home and have a deadline for today) and also to see my darling cats. I had planned my arrival back to the apartment thinking that he would have already left for work. I was wrong. He was still here. Once I saw him, I had words. There were some things I needed to say.

Of course, when he saw me he immediately tried running away … you know, that thing some BPDs do? They try to pretend you don’t exist or that you are invisible (this would be all part of the passive aggressive nonsense that I would have gone thru should I not have taken shelter with my friend for these last two days) so they walk on the very other end of the room to escape your presence or as if the mere presence of you repulses them. So childish!

I told him what I saw in his eyes. I told him that now that I’ve seen that … everything is so much clearer to me. The look I saw on his face when I said this was one of surprise. I told him how now I figured out that when I’m supporting our family, he’s just nice as pie to me, but when it’s his turn to support us … oh, that’s when he gets angry for no reason and doesn’t have to buy food or support me in anyway… you know, cause he’s not talking to me for the next 5 days or a week. What a savings for him! He’s all about money… f**king cheapskate. He doesn’t much answer back, but keeps telling me to stop talking. He keeps “shhhhing” me. He does this a lot. Likes to try and make me silent. Tells me how I’m screaming at him (I don’t scream). Tells me how he had to take the door off the hinges because I’m always slamming doors (I don’t slam doors either … but I also realize that with his ever so fragile thin BPD skin, he probably does think I’m screaming and slamming doors even if I speak in a whisper or merely shut the door). Too bad for him. Not my problem anymore.

And yes, I am still really really really angry! This is not just a matter of having found someone I thought I would live with for the rest of my life. It’s not like I moved into his place in the next city. I MOVED ACROSS THE ATLANTIC FOR THIS! Man! I mean, I’ve known this guy for 15 years. I guess the saying is really true, “You never really know someone until you live with them.” Did you know that Sweden has one of the highest rates of domestic abuse in Europe?

For months and months, since learning about BPD, I felt sympathy for the BPD. The poor guy. How could I better help him? How can I support him? How can I be a better partner? Well BS! Done with that. Done supporting someone at my own expense and to my own detriment. There is no filling the empty hole that is him. It's no longer my responsibility.

As he was “shhhhh-ing” me, and telling me to shut up … I had my final say. “Yes,” I said. “You abandon me in the city again, spit in my face several times, call me fat, thrown food at me, AND you think you are the one who is justified in being angry. Think again.”

He doesn’t say much except, “Your cat pee’d on the table.” And he left for work. Sure enough one of my cats, pee’d on his side of table … right where he’d put his dinner plate if he were eating. An interesting and perhaps comical aside here. Whenever the BPD dysregulates and rages on me, my cats will pee on something that belongs to him. Never my stuff. Just his stuff. I used to find this upsetting. Now I see it as justice. Good kitties!

I did a lot of planning while I was with my friend. I also watched a lot of TV (It seems that watching continuous episodes of Dexter stops the ruminating. I have big problems with ruminating!) My friend owns a cafe in my neighborhood. This is a place where I can pack a suitcase and leave it in her back room. I will also need to order two cat carriers for the flight back home and get my cats to the vet for certificates for them to enter the US. I also have to deal with some business obligations here in Sweden. Once I put all the pieces together… I will leave this apartment with my cats, while he is at work. I will leave a note on the table. I have already contacted my son with a brief “heads up”.

I know that in a day or two the BPD will stop dysregulating and once again be my charming man. This will make me weak. I will again disappear into the fog. I’m prepared for that because I KNOW that this will happen again next month… or maybe even again in two weeks. And when it does, I will be angry and hurt, but this time I’ll have my ducks in a row and will be prepared for departure.

I have little money as I have been supporting my BPD and myself for the last month. I have some new work coming in, but here in Sweden you don’t get paid for a month so even if I finished the work at hand today (not going to happen), I would not see a paycheck until probably the end of May. In order for me to get the funds needed to fly home and set myself up AGAIN … I will need to sell my mother’s jewelry. It was given to me after her death. It includes her engagement ring. This would provide me with enough money to do everything I need to do, get an apartment in the US, and survive until I can reunite with my old clients and find new ones. The thing is …. it will break my heart to do this. I wish I could find another way  ….  #!*?&%!  :'(

In closing, I want to thank each and every one of you for your very kind comments and support. I’m touched by your words. 

[waverider]

Print this out and keep it handy as a reminder when you start to weaken again.

[sadinsweden]

Oh, one other thing I want to share. As I think about this plan of escape (I've thought about such things before but this time is different, I mean it's really different. Things have changed. Ahh... . Bob Dylan song in my head now.) I keep imaging how wonderful it will be to be free. What it will be like to be reunited with my son again. I can almost feel that amazing super hug he'll give me. God ... . I haven't seen him in almost two years. I miss him awful. We are soul mates. I imagine the peace of having my own place. Not having to walk on eggshells anymore. Of being back together with my old friends and business associates. Of how my cats will be so much happier. How my apartment will be cleaner. How I will never again have to worry about someone spitting in my face, or throwing food, or trashing my home. I imagine eating the food I want to eat. Doing the things I want to do. Sleeping without being subconsciously terrified of a blow up. To be able to go to the bookstore and find a real honest to god, excellent book, written in English! To actually once again... . belly laugh with loved ones.

[sadinsweden]

Print this out and keep it handy as a reminder when you start to weaken again.

Yes Waverider! And the happy post I just put up while you were writing.

[waverider]

Good to see you focusing on the positives

[Aussie0zborn]

There is no filling the empty hole that is him. It's no longer my responsibility.

Yes, I like that. Good luck!

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Sadinsweden,

You have a lot of BALLS to be doing this.  I am very close to getting to your point, but still lack a little more BALLS.

You are truly an inspiration.  Please let us know how it goes.  And if for some reason you can;t manage to go back to the U.S., don't beat yourself up... . it is only a matter of time before you take that final step.

CARPE DIEM!

[sadinsweden]

I am not an inspiration, Fly like an Eagle. Please don't say that.  I'm as messed up as a person can be.

[MammaMia]

Sadinsweden

This has been going on for a long time.  He is not going to change.  The time to go is NOW.

Contact the American Consulate, and the Hot Line.  Contact your family in the US... . anyone who can help you.  You must do something.

Above all, do not let him sweet talk or frighten you into staying, like he has done before. There are people who will help, all you have to do is ask.   

Enough is enough.  Stay strong.  You CAN do this.

 

[Fly Like An Eagle]

SadinSweden, what kind of talk is that!  C'mon, stop beating yourself up.  You don't think that your significant other takes advantage of your insecurities and then manipulates you into doing things that you later feel guilty about?  You are worth so much more!  You were fully committed to your relationship and moved to Sweden to demonstrate this.  The fact that it has not worked out does not make you a failure or unworthy.  Move on NOW!  Keep imagining how good it will feel to be free!

[sadinsweden]

Sadinsweden

This has been going on for a long time.  He is not going to change.  The time to go is NOW.

Contact the American Consulate, and the Hot Line.  Contact your family in the US... . anyone who can help you.  You must do something.

Above all, do not let him sweet talk or frighten you into staying, like he has done before. There are people who will help, all you have to do is ask.   

Enough is enough.  Stay strong.  You CAN do this.

MammaMia, I really appreciate your concern. I am wondering how it is that you are so familiar with my situation? Until this weekend, I was on the Committed Board. Saying that I "must do something" is a bit caustic, and really the last thing I need right now is caustic. In fact, over the last year, I have done quite a few "somethings".

First, living in a foreign country doesn't really allow the luxury of being able to just pack up and go right NOW. There are arrangements which need to be made. Work contracts which need to be honored. Additionally, one of the first things I learned is not to rush my exit strategy... . rushed strategies often fail.

I have contacted the US embassy. Did this some months ago. Yes, they will fly me home. But I can't take my cats (and I certainly will not leave them here with the BPD) and I will have to surrender my passport. The consulate will then issue me a "temporary passport" until I repay them for the cost of the flight etc. My passport will then be reinstated. (Not really my best opinion, I don't think)

I had also contacted no less then ten women's organizations for DV here in Sweden. In case, you don't know, and many people do not, Sweden is YEARS behind other countries in terms of dealing with issues of domestic violence. Up until perhaps ten years ago, it was considered a "family tragedy" and was a private matter. It was only in 2012, when the government here created a DV Coordinator. They are currently conducting a report in which to create a national hotline and "measures for 2012-2014". At present, most phones at the hotlines and shelters are unmanned, and voice messages are in Swedish only. If you are lucky enough to reach someone, most volunteers can only offer listening support. Because of the high degree of DV in this country, most shelters are filled up and the only viable opinion is a hotel which also serves as a refugee camp (Sweden has one of the highest immigration rates in the world). Because I am here on a "love visa", meaning I hold residence based on my relationship with my BPD who is Swedish, if this relationship should end, I will be deported. As a love expat, my presence in this country is considered "disposable". Living in a refugee camp ... . also probably not one of my best opinions.

I also, some months ago, contacted a national hotline in the US and was able to speak with a very lovely woman. She was able to do some research for me, but really all she could do was offer listening support and help guide me to resources here in Sweden.

I started my own business and was able to do quite well. I was able to collect a fairly nice savings account (in order to protect myself and have money to go home should need be), however, when my BPD became unemployed, I had to use my savings to ensure we would be able to eat. Sometimes life works out that way.

In the meanwhile, I spent considerable hours (and hours) reading posts and information on this website, and others, in order to educate myself in ways of better dealing with my partner's BPD. Sometimes we were quite successful. I did this at the expense of pursuing my own goals and desires, but I felt being a good partner to someone whom I loved was worth the sacrifice. I no longer feel this way, however. I can not fix this relationship.

I have contacted and spoken to my family (and recently just did again so two nights ago). We are considering several options and discussing the best way of going about doing things.

I moved to Sweden for the love of someone whom I had known for 15 years and adored with all my heart. I moved here fully believing I would have a wonderful life with this person in a beautiful country. I am at present shattered with the knowledge that he is so severely mentally ill that even the love of a good woman can not fix him. I am heartbroken that this relationship has failed. So please... . please ... . do not lecture me about how I must do "something".


 

[MammaMia]

sadinsweden

About a year ago, another woman with your name was posting about an identical situation.  I assumed, perhaps incorrectly, that that person was you.  Her situation was dire and many of us were very concerned about her safety.  

I apologize if that was my mistake.

I did not intend to lecture you, and I am sorry if it came across that way.  I was unaware of the attempts you have made to leave your relationship, and I commend you for your courage.

You have done many things to try to get out of your situation.  I hope and pray one of them affords you the opportunity to leave.  In the meantime, stay strong and God Bless.

[Surnia]

Sadinsweden

You did your best. I can so relate with your pain about a shattered love, its so difficult to accept we cannot fix it, when a rs take a turn like yours, like mine. 

You are in my thoughts, in my heart.

[sadinsweden]

Thanks Surnia 

As well as fluctuating between utter anger and utter broken heartedness ... .

Boy, you know this is just topsy turvy world. Since I got home on Wednesay, he's been doing the silent treatment ... . cause you know, after all, I'm the evil one. I'm the one at fault. I'm abusive. He's just a lovely man. (sarcasm? hells yes!)

So he comes home from work, makes something to eat, and then goes to his man cave for the evening and drinks. Fine by me, because this time I'm not going to be the one who attempts to talk it out. Validate him. Sooth him. I'm not going to be the one who takes the blame just for the sake of putting things back to "normal". For all I care, he can stay in that man cave and give me the silent treatment until the day I walk out of here.

However, there is also all this other nonsense. He took the WiFi out of the TV so that neither of us can watch Netflix on the flat screen (fine by me, I have a computer). He hasn't bought milk or coffee in days (this is to punish me because I work from home and love my morning coffee.) He knows that I spent my paycheck and my savings supporting us for the last month, (and the two months when he was unemployed). I don't make a ton of money ... I only just started to re-establish myself in this country. (Oh but then, when I was supporting us... . he was just nice as pie to me) There are other stupid things that he is doing ... . all designed to be passive-aggressive BS ... . but man! This is dedication! He is so invested in hurting me (or doing things that he thinks will hurt me) that he is willing to also sacrifice that things that also give him pleasure.

He texts me and tells me that he must go into his "jail cell" after work to get away from me because he is so afraid of me and "my next crazy move".

Fine. Whatever. I'm going to go read a book. 

[waverider]

Does he know, or even believe you will leave?

[sadinsweden]

I honestly have no idea Waverider. I've threatened to leave on other occasions ... . which rather invalidates me at this point, in his eyes. I said I was "done" with this relationship on Sunday night. Told him he crossed a line.

He must know something is different because the dynamic between us is now different and yet, no, I don't think he really believes I will leave. He thinks I love him too much. But really ... . I have no idea what is going on in his head other than the notion that I'm the bad guy. Or maybe not. Maybe that's just BS BPD insults he throws at me, and he knows it. And he is ashamed. He should be.

I also think this behavior of silent treatment is something he considers normal. I remember once his brother told me, "Just ignore him for three days or so ... . he'll eventually come around." Really? This is par for the course in his family? I guess so, he learned this behavior somewhere.

Clueless here.

[sadinsweden]

Good song. Very relevant for some of us. Bob Dylan, Things Have Changed.

www.youtu.be/L9EKqQWPjyo