Help Me Make It Over The Goal Line

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I ask all of you to help me with your push of momentum…especially the footballers…like we did when we played high school football and rallied our team at those key times we had advanced to the opponent’s 1 foot line tying to score on our last of four downs.  Those of us that were on defense were on the sidelines screaming our heads off…and those that were on offense knew that this last attempt, this last try was only going to be successful if we helped the line and momentum surged our fullback, offensive and defensive linemen all together with a huge hit and surge push with all our might with both of our feet churning and never quit moving to create the needed “big push” until the “pile” along with the ball carrier…made it just far enough so the tip of the football made it over the goal line for the score.

Little did I realize back then…when my own team members were giving me pretty good licks and were hitting me and pushing me from the back trying to get me a push over the goal, or a squeeze through the lineman’s grasps…that they were really just trying to get me into the end zone regardless of the deep muscle bruise I would feel the next day in my lower back just above my hip pads or the extreme muscle tenderness in the back of my hamstring

I took on the same hit…just so the overtime would be over and we could say we won.  I also did not realize that while all of my teammate’s hits on me were painful, they really did want me to score so we would win the game.  What I also have realized that when you go through a divorce with a BPD spouse, the people on your team and the teammates you thought were with you, become at times, somewhat hard to see or ever find.

I need you all to give me that last bit of coaching to help me get over the goal line as I try to end my marriage with my BPD wife.  In looking back, I recall how I often questioned how I kept “hanging in”, tried do my part to make repair possible after the many meltdowns, threats and physical abuse that …I now continue to be aware each and every day that learning in my counseling that while “hanging in” the marriage…and trying to make it work the way was trying to repair to repair it, trying to honestly talk with my wife that both of us and our marriage that we needed major help with to access our marriage and decide what we both wanted to do from that point forward.

I know BPD is an illness and I if I have any sense of compassion in my soul, any anger and pain I have from all of her threats, the CD cases she threw at my face that about split my eye, the canceling of me on her insurance so she can be sure I struggle when I have to pay my own medical bills, the threat-after-threat that if I did not do what she wanted or believe in what she believed in that she would divorce me and make sure I would have nothing, her rationalization that her emotional involvement with another man was my fault since it was me who caused our marriage to fail, and all of this is not anywhere near the reality that my anger and pain is real, yet it is like being mad at your Father who  is in the final stages of brain cancer!  A nasty and mean cancer that has caused him to be more and more belligerent, critical and demeaning of you as the cancer literally destroys his brain.  How can anyone be made or angry about such an illness that is of no one’s wish to contract?  I always felt a hole in my sole since she decided to change her mind after we were married that she really did not want to have any children after all.  I look back now and that may have been a blessing but that is truly hard for me to see.

A year of the divorce process with BPD spouse is like 7 years with a person who is not disordered.

So the Judge rules in June, but I need that last minute pep talk, some coaching that works well when it is 4th down with: 10 seconds left in the game and we are on the 1 yard line!

I need all of you to give me that last minute push so I make it over the goal line!

Thanks to all of you for all you do.

NewWays

[NewWays]

I ask all of you to help me with your push of momentum…especially the footballers…like we did when we played high school football and rallied our team at those key times we had advanced to the opponent’s 1 foot line tying to score on our last of four downs.  Those of us that were on defense were on the sidelines screaming our heads off…and those that were on offense knew that this last attempt, this last try was only going to be successful if we helped the line and momentum surged our fullback, offensive and defensive linemen all together with a huge hit and surge push with all our might with both of our feet churning and never quit moving to create the needed “big push” until the “pile” along with the ball carrier…made it just far enough so the tip of the football made it over the goal line for the score.

Little did I realize back then…when my own team members were giving me pretty good licks and were hitting me and pushing me from the back trying to get me a push over the goal, or a squeeze through the lineman’s grasps…that they were really just trying to get me into the end zone regardless of the deep muscle bruise I would feel the next day in my lower back just above my hip pads or the extreme muscle tenderness in the back of my hamstring

I took on the same hit…just so the overtime would be over and we could say we won.  I also did not realize that while all of my teammate’s hits on me were painful, they really did want me to score so we would win the game.  What I also have realized that when you go through a divorce with a BPD spouse, the people on your team and the teammates you thought were with you, become at times, somewhat hard to see or ever find.

I need you all to give me that last bit of coaching to help me get over the goal line as I try to end my marriage with my BPD wife.  In looking back, I recall how I often questioned how I kept “hanging in”, tried do my part to make repair possible after the many meltdowns, threats and physical abuse that …I now continue to be aware each and every day that learning in my counseling that while “hanging in” the marriage…and trying to make it work the way was trying to repair to repair it, trying to honestly talk with my wife that both of us and our marriage that we needed major help with to access our marriage and decide what we both wanted to do from that point forward.

I know BPD is an illness and I if I have any sense of compassion in my soul, any anger and pain I have from all of her threats, the CD cases she threw at my face that about split my eye, the canceling of me on her insurance so she can be sure I struggle when I have to pay my own medical bills, the threat-after-threat that if I did not do what she wanted or believe in what she believed in that she would divorce me and make sure I would have nothing, her rationalization that her emotional involvement with another man was my fault since it was me who caused our marriage to fail, and all of this is not anywhere near the reality that my anger and pain is real, yet it is like being mad at your Father who  is in the final stages of brain cancer!  A nasty and mean cancer that has caused him to be more and more belligerent, critical and demeaning of you as the cancer literally destroys his brain.  How can anyone be made or angry about such an illness that is of no one’s wish to contract?  I always felt a hole in my sole since she decided to change her mind after we were married that she really did not want to have any children after all.  I look back now and that may have been a blessing but that is truly hard for me to see.

A year of the divorce process with BPD spouse is like 7 years with a person who is not disordered.

So the Judge rules in June, but I need that last minute pep talk, some coaching that works well when it is 4th down with: 10 seconds left in the game and we are on the 1 yard line!

I need all of you to give me that last minute push so I make it over the goal line!

Thanks to all of you for all you do.

NewWays

[Ritchie53]

You dont need a pep talk, the coach will tell you that youve played an outstanding game and whether you make it to the goal line in 10 seconds or not, the game is still won. Your freedom is winning, your life returned to you is winning. Enjoy the last few seconds of the game - and at the end instead of shaking hands with the BPD, exchange gifts - hand her the paintbrush and black paint and in return receive the keys to your freedom.

[NewWays]

Ritchie53... .

Some of the best coaching I've ever received and a great perspective "Pep Talk" I have

ever received.

perspective is so very important.

Thank you coach for helping me continue on my path!

NewWays

[ForeverDad]

Regarding medical insurance, if she cancelled it after the divorce filing, then you could object to that and HR or insurance company (or court) could reinstate it until the divorce was final.  However, once the divorce is final then she does have an obligation to report the finalized divorce to her HR, employer or insurance company and you'd have to either choose COBRA or find your own insurance.

[NewWays]

ForeverDad... .

I am clear on the direction the health insurance goes after the divorce is final.  The issue is in our state, for some of the medical costs that I incurred... . that specifically medical costs are viewed as marital debt and that until a divorce is finalized by the court, removing a spouse from a plan is not warranted and... . such action makes the removing spouse responsible for paying off at least 50% of the medical costs.

Thanks, for the input.

NewWays                                                                                       

[livednlearned]

Divorcing N/BPDxh is the best thing I ever did. Hardest thing I did, and I would not wish it on anyone, but in healing I found so much that I'm truly grateful for. The FOG really is the fog. Work on the emotional healing ahead, and treat your stbx as a lesson that keeps on giving. You'll get more perspective the more distance you get, and start to see things that were once in your blind spots.

These relationships, marriages, divorces can be the worst things in our lives, and they can also be spiritual and emotional new pages.



LnL

[NewWays]

L and L--

I hope as I walk my path I reach the resolution, clarity and wisdom

I hear coming from your soul.

Thank you for your insight!

NewWays

[NewWays]

livednlearned... .

How long has it been for you to build the distance?  I recall your comments about your children.  How do keep the distance and still deal with the fact that I am going to assume that you still have some "forced contact" due to the fact that children, even if one spouse is disordered, most often have to spend time with that parent.  How do you keep the Fog clearing?

As I have posted before, I really wanted children... . but now sad to say it was a blessing we had none.  How do you do it and keep your great reflection and wisdom available to all with your great insight and input?

NewWays

[marbleloser]

I can't speak for LandL, but the longer I was away from stbx, the more the fog lifted. Now, when I do have to be around her or talk to her, I wonder what I ever thought by staying in that RS. She doesn't make any sense most of the time.

It helps that I met a stable,smart,sweet and caring woman also. The difference is very clear.

Time,for me,has been an asset.It will be for you too.

[ForeverDad]

As I have posted before, I really wanted children... . but now sad to say it was a blessing we had none.

Children are wonderful blessings but they don't fix a troubled relationship or troubled people.  Having children just makes everything vastly more distressing and complicated, especially when unwinding the relationship.

How do you do it and keep your great reflection and wisdom available to all with your great insight and input?

Time and distance.  Or stated in better order, distance and time.  This is after all a disorder most evident in close relationships.  Recovery is a process, not an event.

[livednlearned]

livednlearned... .

How long has it been for you to build the distance?  I recall your comments about your children.  How do keep the distance and still deal with the fact that I am going to assume that you still have some "forced contact" due to the fact that children, even if one spouse is disordered, most often have to spend time with that parent.  How do you keep the Fog clearing?

As I have posted before, I really wanted children... . but now sad to say it was a blessing we had none.  How do you do it and keep your great reflection and wisdom available to all with your great insight and input?

NewWays

The FOG is something that I'm still clearing, and probably will my whole life. Just like real fog, it can roll in and out, sometimes be thick, sometimes be thin. The difference now is that I even know such a thing as FOG exists.

I summarize my BPD marriage as a symptom of my own issues with intimacy, and those go back to my family of origin. A lot of people here have codependent traits, and while I understood that I shared these traits, it was only recently I realized how much my self worth was tied into helping, rescuing, fixing. I hit a point in my struggles where I had to admit I needed help, and it broke me right down to my core. When I could not help, rescue, fix, I didn't feel like I was worthy. Excruciatingly painful! Our egos are very good at hanging onto these beliefs about who we are, and there is a lot of emotional pain in changing the patterns we learned in dysfunctional families. This is why the "wise mind" and mindfulness tools here are so useful -- they help us look at the space between who we are and the negative self talk that undermines our worth. In some ways, though, that's the easier stuff to learn. The harder stuff is learning to be emotionally intimate in healthy ways. That's a lifelong process that I'll probably always have to work at.

The forced contact with N/BPD is challenging, but if I didn't have him, I would never have learned any of this. I would never have had to learn about boundaries, or how to be assertive. He also made me think about what it means to be emotionally healthy. What does it mean to raise an emotionally healthy child? N/BPDx woke me up, and I'm grateful for that. It is very, very, very wearying to have learned these lessons, and still be involved in court. I look at each setback or court action as more practice of the tools I've learned from being in a high-conflict relationship. These lessons are not cheap, but you can get riches from them if you are determined to heal. I just wish there was a big cash prize at the end for getting through this stuff 

The challenge for me now is whether I can feel compassion for N/BPD. I'm able to separate the disorder from the person now -- I can see in emails that he has an infected heart, and that he behaves this way because he is ill. I'm able to stick to strong boundaries, assert myself when needed, manage my own feelings so I'm not living in fear, anxiety, and dread. My boundaries are amazing, and I've learned to manage the guilt that can go with that. But compassion is hard. I feel it when there is no immediate drama, but it seems to disappear when the drama returns.

The lessons on the Leaving board are really good steps to follow -- for me, there have been waves, and sometimes I have to go back to earlier steps for a tune-up. You're out of the physical space and finally in a place where you can grow. Make something amazing with that space 

[toomanytears]

The FOG is something that I'm still clearing, and probably will my whole life. Just like real fog, it can roll in and out, sometimes be thick, sometimes be thin. The difference now is that I even know such a thing as FOG exists.

Very well put. The distressing thing for me is that the fog rolls in when I see my son aged 21. He is so like my BPDh in looks at the same age. It takes me a few days to recover and reset my thinking. Checking out my h's current photo on facebook helps... . the beautiful looks have long gone and he has the face of a bully.

[livednlearned]

Checking out my h's current photo on facebook helps... . the beautiful looks have long gone and he has the face of a bully.

This is true of my son too. He's 12, starting to morph into a man, and he looks so much like his dad. His facial expressions are almost identical.

NewWays, it's also very true what FD says:

Time and distance.  Or stated in better order, distance and time.

Physical distance was critical. Being able to come home to a space where I feel no dread, no fear -- it allowed me to feel safe enough to start healing and then growing. The key is to detach and start focusing on you.  The more you understand your role in the dynamic, the more free you'll be.