Finally kicked her out. So hard. Is it supposed to be this hard?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

5 years I put up with it. Got married 4 months ago after being in a relationship with her for over 4 years believing that things will get better and that if I continued to do everything I could for her she will realize how great of a catch I really am and respect, love(the way I need), emotionally meet my needs, stop lying to me about stupid crap, try to get help but I realized 4 months into the marriage and 5 years into the relationship nothing was going to change. She threatened so many times to leave me before the marriage, and threatened annulments after the marriage, blamed me for our financial problems, blamed my parents and us living there as to why she is always stressed out and her life is in chaos... . there was always a reason for why she couldn't do something. I facilitated everything for her to get healthy, to lose the weight she wanted to lose, to be active, to seek therapy, and build the life we always talked about... . but it never happened. The lessons and techniques she learned in therapy she never utilized. The offers of help from her professors at school to help with her test taking/grades were never utilized. There was always a reason she couldn't talk to me when I needed to talk about a problem or behavior of hers that bothered me. She was always too stressed to talk, or the timing was never right and then she wondered why we seemed to be arguing more frequently. Only now after we start splitting and her family is involved asking me what happened she is telling me I never could talk to her and that I would shut down. It's true I would shut down, but that was because I never felt my feelings were heard. And even if we did have a talk and came to some sort of middle ground, the same cycles repeated over and over and over again. The last few months I have been trying to talk to her, and all I could get out of her was the my feelings were my own problem. That I need therapy and need help because I am turning into my mother. Or she would make a excuse as to why she can't talk. Nothing ever seemed to me what I thought of as normal conversation. Sometimes I felt like I would get through, but the good times were always so shortlived until chaos began again.

I woke up one morning and just... . we weren't even arguing... . I just came to the realization that nothing will ever change. The only way this will change is if she changes her heart and goes to hardcore therapy, but even after all the perfect letters she is writing me now and telling me exactly what i've been waiting to hear for years... . it is too late in my mind.

I get so incredibly anxious at the site of a text message and/or voicemail that my mind deceives me. I start thinking about how lost and confused she must be, how hurt she must be, how much her family must hate me when just 4 months ago I promised them I would take care of their daughter through better or worse (and her family is REALLY against divorce and don't believe in it).

The only way I know now on how to keep my sanity is to ignore everything. Ignore all emails, voicemails, calls, calls from her family members... . everything. I feel so weak and fragile. I felt strong the first day or two when I made up my mind, but as more time goes on the more I think about how horrible this must be for her that I kicked her out with nowhere to go. Her grandma can only take her for 2 weeks then she is out. There is a part of me that wants to believe things will truly change this time... . but I can't help but think that if I accepted her back i'll only get a month or two or normality until she is settled again and then we're back to it again. I've been mentally abused enough. I thought I could stay with her through all of it until things get better, until we get to where she always dreamed of us being but I can't do it. I just can't. I'm broken.

Has anyone else been through a "successful" divorce from a BPD person? I have been ignoring everything from her and I am trying to save my soul.

[SamsungUser86]

5 years I put up with it. Got married 4 months ago after being in a relationship with her for over 4 years believing that things will get better and that if I continued to do everything I could for her she will realize how great of a catch I really am and respect, love(the way I need), emotionally meet my needs, stop lying to me about stupid crap, try to get help but I realized 4 months into the marriage and 5 years into the relationship nothing was going to change. She threatened so many times to leave me before the marriage, and threatened annulments after the marriage, blamed me for our financial problems, blamed my parents and us living there as to why she is always stressed out and her life is in chaos... . there was always a reason for why she couldn't do something. I facilitated everything for her to get healthy, to lose the weight she wanted to lose, to be active, to seek therapy, and build the life we always talked about... . but it never happened. The lessons and techniques she learned in therapy she never utilized. The offers of help from her professors at school to help with her test taking/grades were never utilized. There was always a reason she couldn't talk to me when I needed to talk about a problem or behavior of hers that bothered me. She was always too stressed to talk, or the timing was never right and then she wondered why we seemed to be arguing more frequently. Only now after we start splitting and her family is involved asking me what happened she is telling me I never could talk to her and that I would shut down. It's true I would shut down, but that was because I never felt my feelings were heard. And even if we did have a talk and came to some sort of middle ground, the same cycles repeated over and over and over again. The last few months I have been trying to talk to her, and all I could get out of her was the my feelings were my own problem. That I need therapy and need help because I am turning into my mother. Or she would make a excuse as to why she can't talk. Nothing ever seemed to me what I thought of as normal conversation. Sometimes I felt like I would get through, but the good times were always so shortlived until chaos began again.

I woke up one morning and just... . we weren't even arguing... . I just came to the realization that nothing will ever change. The only way this will change is if she changes her heart and goes to hardcore therapy, but even after all the perfect letters she is writing me now and telling me exactly what i've been waiting to hear for years... . it is too late in my mind.

I get so incredibly anxious at the site of a text message and/or voicemail that my mind deceives me. I start thinking about how lost and confused she must be, how hurt she must be, how much her family must hate me when just 4 months ago I promised them I would take care of their daughter through better or worse (and her family is REALLY against divorce and don't believe in it).

The only way I know now on how to keep my sanity is to ignore everything. Ignore all emails, voicemails, calls, calls from her family members... . everything. I feel so weak and fragile. I felt strong the first day or two when I made up my mind, but as more time goes on the more I think about how horrible this must be for her that I kicked her out with nowhere to go. Her grandma can only take her for 2 weeks then she is out. There is a part of me that wants to believe things will truly change this time... . but I can't help but think that if I accepted her back i'll only get a month or two or normality until she is settled again and then we're back to it again. I've been mentally abused enough. I thought I could stay with her through all of it until things get better, until we get to where she always dreamed of us being but I can't do it. I just can't. I'm broken.

Has anyone else been through a "successful" divorce from a BPD person? I have been ignoring everything from her and I am trying to save my soul.

[ForeverDad]

Something had to change... . she wouldn't, so you did.

Likely it got worse after marriage because you were in a closer relationship, not just BF/GF, you were Married.  BPD is a disorder of emotional and mood dysregulation, the closer you are the more evident it becomes.  That's why distance (or after an incident) makes it seem better and why relationships keep getting recycled, it calms down with distance and then when you're back together the cycle begins again.

I too, and many others here, had hopes and dreams, then reality had to be faced.  We learned the hard way.  It worked for me in the early years, but gradually more and more issues arose.  Then I thought she'd be happier if we had a child.  Oh, oh.  I didn't realize that although children are wonderful blessings, having children doesn't fix problems, it just makes them vastly more complicated.

My boundaries, though already tattered and torn, kept getting pushed more and more.  It was relentless.  It never stopped.  Finally, when she was looking at me suspiciously while I was caring for our then-preschooler, finally self-preservation kicked in.  I accepted that that no matter how hard I had been trying or could ever try, I would never again find the safety, comfort and intimacy that had been lost to the abusive relationship my marriage had become.

If you're married for just 4 months why don't you file for an annulment?  If it get denied then it can probably be converted to a dissolution or divorce.

[SamsungUser86]

If you're married for just 4 months why don't you file for an annulment?  If it get denied then it can probably be converted to a dissolution or divorce.

From my research I've found that a annulment is almost impossible in my state. I have no money or anything.

[SamsungUser86]

Something had to change... . she wouldn't, so you did.

Likely it got worse after marriage because you were in a closer relationship, not just BF/GF, you were Married.  BPD is a disorder of emotional and mood dysregulation, the closer you are the more evident it becomes.  That's why distance (or after an incident) makes it seem better and why relationships keep getting recycled, it calms down with distance and then when you're back together the cycle begins again.

I too, and many others here, had hopes and dreams, then reality had to be faced.  We learned the hard way.  It worked for me in the early years, but gradually more and more issues arose.  Then I thought she'd be happier if we had a child.  Oh, oh.  I didn't realize that although children are wonderful blessings, having children doesn't fix problems, it just makes them vastly more complicated.

My boundaries, though already tattered and torn, kept getting pushed more and more.  It was relentless.  It never stopped.  Finally, when she was looking at me suspiciously while I was caring for our then-preschooler, finally self-preservation kicked in.  I accepted that that no matter how hard I had been trying or could ever try, I would never again find the safety, comfort and intimacy that had been lost to the abusive relationship my marriage had become.

If you're married for just 4 months why don't you file for an annulment?  If it get denied then it can probably be converted to a dissolution or divorce.

Was she always telling you that "If/When ... . (fill in the blank)... . happens, then things will be better."

[livednlearned]

Has anyone else been through a "successful" divorce from a BPD person? I have been ignoring everything from her and I am trying to save my soul.

I'm not sure what you mean by a successful divorce, but by BPD standards, your divorce would be relatively straightforward. You have no kids, you were not married long. If I were you, I would try to find $50 or $100 to consult with a lawyer for 30 minutes. Put together a list of questions you need answered, then find a friend or family member who will go with you (it helps to discuss what you learned after), and then make a plan. If you have no assets, don't own a home together, then the struggle will be largely psychological and emotional. You may even be able to talk to the Clerk of Court and see how much you can do on your own.

In my state, if you're married 10 or more years, there is often an expectation that alimony will be paid for half the marriage. Since you have been married such a short time, there's a good chance you will not have to pay alimony, but that's a question for a lawyer since every state does it differently.

Make sure you don't get her pregnant if you're serious about divorce. You cannot imagine the nightmare of co-parenting a child with someone who suffers from this disease.

Also, be careful. False allegations tend to go hand-in-hand with BPD divorces. That's a whole other nightmare that will involve a separate court.

[ForeverDad]

Was she always telling you that "If/When ... . (fill in the blank)... . happens, then things will be better."

Of course.  It's all part of the Blaming and Blame Shifting.  It's all Your Fault and so you have to change.  Nice Guy or Nice Gal that you are, you figured in the past that since you're not perfect you can make some conciliatory changes to accommodate the other.  Problem is, it is never enough, no matter how much you appease or how well a doormat you become.  Conditional demands are forever changing.  Have you heard about the Moving Goalposts analogy?  Imagine you two as two football teams playing, your team is following the other team's rule book and as soon as your team gets close the making a goal, the other teams changes the rules (again and again) and moves the goalpost (again and again).

What helps?  Firm Boundaries that set proper limits to behaviors and actions.  (Boundaries are about you, not her, as in, "If you hit then I will walk away/ leave until you calm down."  Sadly, she may not get the message and it may just be a stopgap measure.)  However, that's not easy to accomplish, your spouse will almost certainly try to sabotage your efforts to reduce the conflict.  As LivednLearned wrote above, you can expect some horrible backlash - Extinction Burst - if you stop being appeasing.  It may take some time for her to even slightly accept your new boundaries.  Meanwhile, protect yourself emotionally and legally, be sure you do nothing at all that can be twisted into you being accused of being abusive.

[SamsungUser86]

Was she always telling you that "If/When ... . (fill in the blank)... . happens, then things will be better."

Of course.  It's all part of the Blaming and Blame Shifting.  It's all Your Fault and so you have to change.  Nice Guy or Nice Gal that you are, you figured in the past that since you're not perfect you can make some conciliatory changes to accommodate the other.  Problem is, it is never enough, no matter how much you appease or how well a doormat you become.  Conditional demands are forever changing.  Have you heard about the Moving Goalposts analogy?  Imagine you two as two football teams playing, your team is following the other team's rule book and as soon as your team gets close the making a goal, the other teams changes the rules (again and again) and moves the goalpost (again and again).

What helps?  Firm Boundaries that set proper limits to behaviors and actions.  (Boundaries are about you, not her, as in, "If you hit then I will walk away/ leave until you calm down."  Sadly, she may not get the message and it may just be a stopgap measure.)  However, that's not easy to accomplish, your spouse will almost certainly try to sabotage your efforts to reduce the conflict.  As LivednLearned wrote above, you can expect some horrible backlash - Extinction Burst - if you stop being appeasing.  It may take some time for her to even slightly accept your new boundaries.  Meanwhile, protect yourself emotionally and legally, be sure you do nothing at all that can be twisted into you being accused of being abusive.

I am avoiding all confrontation to avoid any possibility of anything being misconstrued. Legally I am doing what I can, however emotionally I feel weak every once in a while like it's about to spill over and I could fall back into the trap of believeing things will be better THIS time. Also, when I feel the worse is surprisingly thinking about the recent wedding and all the promises I made to her parents and how horrible this must be for her... . but then I remember the events of the last five years and I tell myself that I can not put up with another minute of any of it unless I lose myself completely. I already feel incredibly out of it and emotionally and mentally raped... . so I just need a LOT of support to stay strong through this, follow through, and move on with my life. I can't sacrifice my own happiness anymore and I can't allow myself to doubt whether the good times will last. The times when everything felt great, and when I finally thought we could be normal always came crashing down and was always just a matter of time so it got to the point where my thoughts and concerns weren't heard or just brushed away and even when things felt euphoric and we were really getting along well and things were going smoothly... . the anxiety was already building wondering when it's all going to just come crashing down and then i'll be encumbered by the horrible drama and chaos. 

I've manipulated so badly that even to this moment knowing everything I know in my rational my mind, I still feel these surge impulses to let it go... . but I have to stay angry otherwise I won't make it and follow-through on this.