What do you do with the anger?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPDh and I are separated. I found out he'd been hiring sex workers after he gave me an STD. Turns out it started at least a year before the separation. There has been much lying and posturing. He tells me he didn't enjoy it, that he was punishing himself with it. I haven't been able to express my anger at the betrayal and deception because if I do it suddenly becomes all about him. He curls up in a ball of self-loathing and wails. Suppressing it like this is just making it worse. I sometimes get flashes of absolutely hating him. I haven't had any opportunity to give him what for and i feel like I'm going to blow up. What should I do with it?

[fresh_hell]

My BPDh and I are separated. I found out he'd been hiring sex workers after he gave me an STD. Turns out it started at least a year before the separation. There has been much lying and posturing. He tells me he didn't enjoy it, that he was punishing himself with it. I haven't been able to express my anger at the betrayal and deception because if I do it suddenly becomes all about him. He curls up in a ball of self-loathing and wails. Suppressing it like this is just making it worse. I sometimes get flashes of absolutely hating him. I haven't had any opportunity to give him what for and i feel like I'm going to blow up. What should I do with it?

[Pecator]

Well, the first thing you should do with that anger is honor it. It is a very healthy emotion tying to save some sanity.

Look at what your anger is telling you. "This situation is wrong" "you don't deserve this" "he has hurt you too much." These are very sane thoughts coming out of a rather less-than-sane situation.

You also have an important compassionate side that is telling you expressing this anger to him will not bring more sanity.

Make sure you have a good T r/s. Work with you T to find healthy ways to express your anger and keep these thought alive.

Your anger is one of the healthy strengths that is going to get you through this (and you will get though this  ). Find healthy ways to nurture and express it.

Glad you are here, keep posting!

[maxsterling]

The anger you feel is normal and healthy - infidelity like this hurt you badly.  I'll second the suggestion to work with a good T about healthy ways of dealing with this. 

Personally, I've found that expressing my anger back at the source solves nothing, mainly because of the same reasons you describe - she throws it back at me and I wind up feeling worse. I'm better off re-directing the anger into creative projects, yardwork, exercise, etc, so that I can work through the issue with a calmer head.  Of course, this also frustrates her because she expects me to be angry at her, and it throws her off when I soothe myself in other ways.  She apparently interprets that as abandonment or me not caring. 

[LifeIsBeautiful]

From my personal experience, waiting for the lift could trigger an outburst  :'(

It's the racing mind, the car's picking up speed and there's no brakes and steering's gone.

They are feeling real bad inside, and it's unbearable. There are filters in their mind, all sorts, essentially they are always the victim and the things they say or do are what they deserved. I realized there's some payback mentally in play, she was treated at some time, perceived or real, the same way. So she's giving it back, doesn't matter who received it. Everyone deals with their thoughts and emotions differently, their way is just overboard I felt most of the times and they can't handle it any other way. Hence the need for intensive therapy.