I want to believe that it's real

[Cloudy Days]

My husband has been having moments of real clarity lately. He's been going to counseling for about a year and a half and he's not done real well with using the tools they were teaching him. Heck he sort of got kicked out of group because when he spoke he got everyone worked up, just the nature of how he feels most the time. But he did continue therapy.

He's been having several days at a time where he seems to be like a real person without problems, acts loving, acts like he doesn't have extreme anger problems. I want to believe it is real, I want to believe in the fantasy. Just to be clear this has been happening in the last month. Before this he never really went a day without accusing me of cheating on him, or wanting to go off on someone. So this new attitude really takes me by surprise. It's almost as if I don't believe it is real. Is it possible that the therapy is actually working and he is just now getting it? Obviously he still has work to do but the fact that he can act like this really takes me by surprise. It just feels too good to be true. It's actually messing with my mind, because I really love this new person. I have been leaning towards leaving lately and this really throws me for a loop. I can't think about leaving him when he's acting like the person I thought I married. It's very confusing. I guess that's what this disorder is... . confusing.

[maxsterling]

I'm kinda in the same boat.  I'm told to pay attention to actions not just words.  But like you, things have improved with my GF, to the point where I am really enjoying her company again.  This despite a month or two ago I was strongly leaning towards leaving.  So now I feel guilty of even thinking that.  But if I can put my emotions aside, I think there are a few concrete things I need to see before truly believing this is not just a new phase:

- Stopping bad behaviors before she does them, rather than do them and apologize afterwards. 

- Some kind of slowdown in the self-loathing talk.

- Finding interest and happiness in something outside of me - whether a job, hobby, or a friend.

-  Being social outside of me

-  Actually being enthusiastic about therapy or AA meetings rather than dreading it every time as something she has to do.

-  Taking care of some of her own needs and making decisions on her own.

-  Actually doing things for me without me having to ask her.  She always says she wants to do this or that for me, but she never does. 

So right now, I do have better behavior compared to a few months ago, but I don't see any of the above so I don't see a real pattern shift.  I think that's when you can start believing it's for real - when you see a change in patterns or attitudes towards life- not just a change in mood.

[Aussie0zborn]

I believed it was real when I went back to her, even though I had just identified her BPD traits. I felt sorry for her and loved her dearly. Like other nons, I believed that giving her love, understanding, compassion, empathy, money, my whole self and more, much more, would soothe her.

I got taken for a ride.  She spent two years planning a payback for leaving her.

I actually believed it was real. It wasn't. What's real in my situation is that she is sicker than I could have imagined. I obviously hadn't learned enough about BPD as I had not yet discovered this forum.

[Cloudy Days]

I'm kinda in the same boat.  I'm told to pay attention to actions not just words. 

I'm seeing more action than I have seen through our entire marriage. Although, he did have a blow up last night, so I think I am out of the wow. He's still himself, just getting more thoughtful in his better moments I guess. He seems to be really trying to make me feel better about the relationship. But he's still stuck on the fact that he's been cheated on so many times by other people. He keeps telling me something is wrong, something is off and then says that it must be me cheating on him. I had a pretty wonderful morning with him though. He made me breakfast and coffee, packed my lunch and we had a wonderful moment with each other on top of all that. It wasn't a typical morning, I hope there are more to come. 

[an0ught]

Hi  Cloudy Days,

I would be surprised if therapy brings significant changes within a year time-frame for anyone with difficulty to see the problems and work on behavior at the beginning. Even for motivated and more conscious stayers it seems to take months to learn a better understanding of emotions and boundaries not talking about consistent daily implementation. In any case progress is two steps forward and one back. So yes, there could be some real traction but then the proof is in the pudding.

Obviously he still has work to do but the fact that he can act like this really takes me by surprise. It just feels too good to be true. It's actually messing with my mind, because I really love this new person. I have been leaning towards leaving lately and this really throws me for a loop. I can't think about leaving him when he's acting like the person I thought I married. It's very confusing. I guess that's what this disorder is... . confusing.

Understandable that this messes with your mind. But you don't have to decide right now. Working with boundaries and validation isn't attaching you much stronger to him than you already are. In some sense these staying tools lead to a certain degree of detachment if you have been too close before.

I'm seeing more action than I have seen through our entire marriage. Although, he did have a blow up last night, so I think I am out of the wow. He's still himself, just getting more thoughtful in his better moments I guess. He seems to be really trying to make me feel better about the relationship. But he's still stuck on the fact that he's been cheated on so many times by other people. He keeps telling me something is wrong, something is off and then says that it must be me cheating on him. I had a pretty wonderful morning with him though. He made me breakfast and coffee, packed my lunch and we had a wonderful moment with each other on top of all that. It wasn't a typical morning, I hope there are more to come.  

Possibly he is sensing that detachment. And while it is detaching with love it still may trigger his abandonment and that is what you see.

[Cloudy Days]

It was defiantly too good to be true. I have had a hell of a day. I can't take this anymore, the up and downs are making me sick.

I need to figure out how to get out of this relationship with my sanity still intact. I think I need to see the good days as a manipulation technique for when he's feeling insecure about me staying. I was woke up early this morning by him wanting reassurance from me only to not believe me when I gave him the reassurance. He's been texting me all day, not really abusive texts but texts to keep me engaged in his misery with him. I'm sick of hearing how he doesn't want this relationship. Only to keep texting me one after the other after the other. What is the point of keeping it going if he doesn't want me? It's insanity and I'm tired of being drawn into it with him.

I want to leave but don't know how. I have two dogs, I am the only one working and I pay everything. He has no where to go and is home at all times. ALL TIMES! So leaving while he isn't around isn't going to work. It's basically pack a small bag and kiss everything I own good bye, including my beautiful dogs. Which to be honest is probably the only reason I have stayed for this long. I have no where to take them and no money to board them. I've been waiting for a long time for him to get some support for himself. He was just approved for disability, and it looks as if that could take 5 more months to receive. I don't know if I can stand living with him for 5 more months. I've been detaching and he does see it, I think that's why it's been so extremely up and down. The ups are higher than usual and the downs are lower than usual.

He's been getting more controlling, more jealous, more insane. I've been biding my time till I feel like the moment is right. Does it ever really feel right? He's told me over and over again that he doesn't want me, can't deal with being with me because he doesn't trust me. He's told me in calm moments that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and he wants to let me go. I can't seem to be truthful to him and tell him that I don't want us anymore either. I am very afraid of causing everything to be worse. I don't know how it could get much worse though. I'm in protection mode at this point.

I actually read the book Betrayal Bonds last week. Man o man was it eye opening. I know now why I stay and take the abuse. I know what I need to do I just don't know how. I am the type of person that goes with the flow, I don't make big decisions I let other people make them for me. So it makes it that much harder to commit to this. How do I get the courage to leave?