Is it normal for a BPD to be in a hurry to get divorced?

[SKyDancer]

Good morning,

I've announced to her a few months back that I was done and wanted out.  Since then, she has told me she didn't want a divorce and wanted us to work out.  Of course, all the while dishing out immense amounts of hatred and anger at me on an all day every day basis.

Now for the last few weeks, all she does is keep pressing me to fill out the divorce papers and file.  Of course, continuing the constant verbal abuse.

What's this about?

[ForeverDad]

Does she think your reaction will be to shift into compliant appeaser mode begging her to stay?

Does she have a replacement?

Does she have a hidden strategy regarding money, kids, etc?

You are currently painted black.  Whether that will change is anyone's guess.  Some seem to do the recycling over and over pattern.  My ex just got worse and worse until it was clear I was permanently Rejected (our preschooler was the Golden Child so I had to be the opposite) and I had to find a way to protect myself.

[SKyDancer]

I really have no idea what her motivation is. Her behavior does lead me to believe she might have someone in the queue. I told her I wished she did.

Her cycling is insane. She can be nice one second and vicious the next. Extremely paranoid about any contact I have with my D6, always making comments about my D and I leaving and having a happy life together.

This is insane!

[livednlearned]

Being in a hurry for you to file papers does not necessarily mean she will let you have a low-conflict divorce. You probably already know that.

My ex agreed quite easily to things in our initial consent order, which we did through mediation, and then did not comply with anything. I had to file multiple motions for contempt to give him the house! He kept putting off the refinancing, ignored all my emails.

There is a lot of magical thinking for pwBPD when it comes to divorce, is my experience. If your ex is not very savvy about your finances, she may think she'll get the house, half of your income for the rest of her life, etc. And then reality hits and it isn't quite like that, and she starts firing lawyer after lawyer and things drag on forever as the continuances pile up.

It could be that she thinks she will be able to keep the house, or buy a new house, and live happily ever after with someone else living off money you give her every month.

[toomanytears]

Livednlearned

I'd say expect anything and nothing... .

Once he decided the only way to cash in on our house for to get divorced my BPDh went for it hell for leather. No time wasted - just wanted it over and done without mediation or therapy etc., and all within six months of leaving the family home.  Recently the truth finally emerged - our marrige hadn't finished because he was unhappy/I was a bhit/we'd reached the end of the road. He was having an affair and wanted to take equity out of our house and set up a second home with his new partner. It is slowly dawning on me that he has probably been having affairs most of our 31 year married life.

Now the boring/difficult/legal stuff has started - financial disclosure, bank statements, tax returns, etc etc, he's gone quiet. Not surprising considering his finances are in disarray and he hasn't filed a tax return recently. He wants everything effortlessly. He always has. It's very childlike. Meantime, I've warned my lawyer that we may have to take him to court to force BPDh to finish what he started... . watch this space!

[momtara]

it's just their black and white thinking.  don't let her push you.  do it at your own pace.  my x-husband did the same, then felt sorry after i actually filed.

[mywifecrazy]

I lucked out. My uBPDxw is the waif type, low self worth. She was very IMPULSIVE in our divorce because she just wanted to get out and explore her new found freedom. This was her CHILDISH dream I guess. She had multiple affairs in our 18 year marriage and was ENTICED by the thought of running around FANCY FREE. she abandoned me and our (2) sons (14&9). How I lucked out was that Ingot to keep the kids, the house and everything in it, my retirement, NO ALLIMONY, etc. All I had to do was refinance the house and give her a small lump sum. She took the money and ran!  It's kind of sad because she's probably already RIPPED through have the cash settlement as she's already been through (2) vehicles and frivolous spending. She only works part time. It's only been 9 months and I think reality is starting to hit her... . NOT MY PROBLEM!

[kfifd196]

it's just their black and white thinking.  don't let her push you.  do it at your own pace.  my x-husband did the same, then felt sorry after i actually filed.

MOMTARA - RE: B&W  My wife painted me DEEP Black.  In December & January, she professed her love for me all over Facebook and to everyone.  End of January, painted me black and devalued me, stripping my self esteem.  "I ruined our marriage" etc.  She hated me, wanted me dead, etc.  But, it was her trust, insecurities and abandonment issues, that caused 99% of our arguments.  She filed for divorce in Feb WITH NO SEPARATION and has a restraining order against me (ficticious BS, she made up) and I haven't seen our daughter in 3 weeks.  She was abandoned by her bio father and also by a previous bf (she was preg by him,but he convinced her he'd stay with her if she aborted, then ditched her before the procedure was even over).  Is there a chance she'll change her mind or am I painted black forever?   

[itsnotme567]

In my case she seemed in a hurry printed out the papers had me sign them a couple of times then didn't file them after she did finally file for divorce she tells me she delayed filling hoping I would change. When ever I asked want I needed to do she told me I'm  smart I should be able to figure it out. I struggled for months trying to figure were I was going wrong. It was post divorce filling I found out about BPD.

[momtara]

She may well change her mind, but her swings seem pretty extreme, so who knows.  That's terrible about the ex who got her to have the ab.  So sad.

[kfifd196]

It is sad... . I don't believe in abortion, but she lied to me in the beginning of our r\s and told me she didn't believe in it either, then a month later, she broke down and told me she actually HAD one!  I felt deceived!  But, to her, she feels it was ok for lying to me about that, but not ok, that I lied to her about some porn pix on the computer, cause I was embarrassed... . What's worse? 

It sucks, because the stories she tells her parents, who enable her, are not the whole truth.  She tells them I get mad at her and she gets upset because I "don't validate" her feelings.  But she doesn't tell them, she has SEVERE trust and insecurity issues and questions EVERYTHING I DO (no joke) and then labels me a cheater, porn addict, scumbag, etc and I am none of those!  I'm the guy that brings her flowers for no reason, puts blankets on her when it's cold or makes her soup when she's sick, but she paints me as some jerk to them, and they believe it!  So, they're pushing her for a divorce... .

[toomanytears]

it's just their black and white thinking.  don't let her push you.  do it at your own pace.  my x-husband did the same, then felt sorry after i actually filed.

Thank god for these boards. It is just so helpful reading that others are going through the same nightmare.

I have a strong feeling that I will have to take my BPDh to court to force things along. Of course, it will just play into his black painting of me, so he can play the victim with his new friends and family, but there's not much I can do about it. I just want out now, asap.

[VeryFree]

Mine started the divorce-procedures, but that was all. After it was started I had to take the following steps.

Seems she only wanted my presence out of her life. She wants my money of course and probably some kind of influence on my life, because she doens't want to end the divorcecase.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

My ex husband wouldn't stop harassing me with craziness and I ended up having to get a TRO. Instead of just showing up in court and telling the judge what happened he hires this expensive lawyer. Of course he couldn't just say what happened because his sense of reality was so skewed. He was drinking when I left, took my phone like a nut and said he didn't have it but emailed my mom from it and texted people, went into my iPad on Facebook and messaged people, told my friend that came with me for protection he was gonna cut him up into tiny little pieces and answered the door with a loaded gun with a look in his eyes like a psycho killer.

The lawyer was trying to prove I had an affair. I didn't. If he would have just left me alone I would have waited the necessary six months and filed. Would have cost him nothing. Instead he made everything twice as hard by hiring this attorney. At one point they were going to have his psychiatrist testify, the same one who wrote in my records (husband suggested I see him, and I saw him twice) that it was unsafe for me to live with him. Obviously they dropped that. After the six month waiting period I still had no divorce. I think HE wanted to be the one to file because he posted on Facebook he made an "executive decision" and oh, yes, it was "the big D." The man was a damn drama queen! He had to make it his choice and drag it out. He spent lord knows how much on the lawyers. In fact, the first lawyer was a man but a woman in the firm was the one I delt with. I'm thinking the guy didn't want to deal with his whiny crap and passed it off to the woman to take the role of his mom. It was a nightmare. I even had a prenup, no kids, no community property, and only was married a little over a year.

[ForeverDad]

TPhoebe, he may be co-morbid with other disorders besides BPD.  There could be Histrionic or Narcissistic traits or who knows what else.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

TPhoebe, he may be co-morbid with other disorders besides BPD.  There could be Histrionic or Narcissistic traits or who knows what else.

I think my ex-husband and the ex-bf both have narcissistic traits. I know my ex-husband told me once he took some test in therapy and something about narcissism came up. He definitely thought he was smarter and better than everyone else.

I now wonder how I end up with these guys.  I've gotten to the point where I don't feel empty without a man but I also by nature try to just see the best in people and am passive, so maybe I play into their narcissism?