smoking... need advise

[jellibeans]

I am looking for some feedback with a problem I have with my dd16. Last night I caught her smoking in my backyard with her friend. I was not happy... .since it was late and she had an early appointment I sent them up to bed. Today I discussed it some with her but I am struggling with the consequences... .she is grounded for a week and we have decided that from now on she won't have easy access to her bank account. I have also thought of taking away her allowance... .I want to restrict her money so she is unable to buy cigarettes. My H wants to take away her car as well... .I am struggling what to do here... .I don't really want to over react... .I had suspected her of smoking many times so I was not shocked. She is just so sneaky and such a liar... .I just can't believe a word she says.

so I guess I am looking for what you think is a good reaction to this smoking issue... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Personally I think its usually best if the consequences are related to the "crime" rather than arbitrary.

The money is,- as in smoking is bad for your health, I am not giving you money to buy cigarettes.

The car on the other hand is not directly related and looks more like random punishment. Just my opinion!

[mama72]

Found a pack of cigarettes in our daughters room this winter. After multiple times of asking her if she smokes and her denying it. I found multiple lighters in her pockets too. Said she liked to watch the flame-ya right!

She said she liked to smoke because it made her feel lightheaded. I think that is true, and it also feeds into the teenage "angst" persona.

First, we asked her if she thought she was addicted and if she needed help quitting. She said no, but I am quite sure she is still smoking. We told her not to bring them into our house, our property or have them in any car that we owned. She has a job and babysits, so we cannot control the flow of cash and what she spends it on. 

Very frustrating to know that she would risk getting addicted to something that can cause cancer after she saw me fight so hard to beat it! Frustrating, and scary for me to know she is adding a risk factor to herself for developing cancer. This was also about a week after one of her classmates died from a brain tumor.

We told her how it scared us and told her how bad it is for her health. We even said how cigarettes cause pollution and contribute to tons of waste and litter. She is a "tree-hugger", so we thought this would resonate. We never told her she had to stop. Seems like if we tell her to do something, she does the exact opposite and then some.

If your daughter wants to smoke, she will find a way. Maybe just tell her not in your house or on your property? Tell her it scares you and that you are worried about her long term health. Perhaps, not punishing her will take her off guard or come across as you trying not to "control" her actions.

…... Or make her smoke an entire pack at once and hope she vomits afterwards? Ha Ha, just kidding. But, that thought did cross my mind when I found out our dd was smoking!

Good luck, friend. Keep us posted!

[pessim-optimist]

Technically, she is not legal to buy cigarets/smoke until she is 18.

Practically, it will be very difficult to make sure she doesn't have money to buy any (as expensive as cigarets are, they are not that expensive). Plus, she could bum them from her friends, and just become really sneaky about it... .

This could also be a route for her to depend on a guy to buy them for her, and then him expecting favors as payback... .

It is a personal decision on what you want to do about it. Also, to realistically consider how much you have under control, and whether the consequences are going to motivate her to better behavior. I would try to not make it into a power-struggle, though... .

jellibeans, this is a difficult decision. And I don't think there is a right or wrong way of going about it. Just many different possibilities... .

If I were in your shoes, I would have an honest talk with my daughter, where I would treat her with the respect of the almost-adult that she is (no matter how immature she is in reality).

I would ask her what it is that she finds attractive about smoking, and I would validate whatever pleasure or peer-status she finds in it, and that I understand that resisting that might be very hard and unpopular.

I would tell her that as her mom, I love her and am concerned for her. I want her to be healthy. I cannot stop her from smoking when I am not around. That is on her conscience. At the same time, I am not giving her permission to smoke. I will make sure I do not contribute to her habit, and will do my best to make sure she is not smoking when I am around. I'd tell her that it is my responsibility as a mom to do my best to protect her and give her wise guidance, and that is the reason why I am doing this.

Then I would tell her that smoking is not only unhealthy, but also expensive. And to show her what I mean, I would tell her I'd save part of her allowance for her (depending on how much she gets) for the equivalent of one to four packs per month for six months. And when the six months are up, we will go out, and she can splurge on herself and buy herself something she really likes. (=double purpose: now, she will have less money, later, it is a new teaching opportunity).

I'd see how that would go. If the conversation was still on-track, I'd talk about beauty concerns, and show her pictures of how ashen her skin will look like eventually if she continues, and what kind of unattractive wrinkles she will develop around her mouth etc. (I might mention the risk of cancer and loosing her voice, but I don't think that would scare her - teenagers often feel immortal and invincible).

I do not know your dd, so I am not sure if this would work in your situation. You might think of a better way... .

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: Well I had the opportunity to talk with my dd16 several times this weekend... .some of it went good but some not so good. I told her she was grounded for a week... .something I think she took well but then my dear H also went off about how he was going to be getting the gas for her car and she would no longer have a gas card and we would be trying to reduce her access to money so she doesn't have it to spend on cigarettes... .I will say my H could have approached this better but here is where the sh@t it the fan... .my dd16 recently found that my H has been secretly smoking himself and she pointed that out to him... .he being very simialr to my dd became very angry... .he gets very angry if any fault is pointed out to him... .he ended up getting up and walking out... .acting very much like a two year old having a tantrum.

I ended up having a very long talk with my dd about smoking and she tells me she is trying to quit and has been cutting down. Yesterday she told me that was only the third cig she had smoked in her life and she wasn't a serious smoker... .today she to told me she has been smoking for years and has a pretty serious habit etc... .We then ended up talking about how she don't care if she dies from smoking and she sees no future... .she just really doesn't care so pointing out health concerns fell on deaf ears. Now I know it is kind of typical teen behavior but still it made me sad to hear. I told her if she finds a passion or interest she wants to do in the future then maybe that would change.

All and all it was not a good day... .things didn't escalate but I feel like thngs really didn't get resolved. I told  her if she is found smoking in her car that will be the next to go so she knows fully what is expected. I am really not so concerned about the smoking but more about the feelings behind the smoking and of course the lying.

It is raining where I am living and we are all kind of stuck in the house... .I really can't wait until tomorrow when I have the house to myself and enjoy the peace and quiet... .thanks to all who gave me advise... .much appreciated

[ABelle]

I wanted to throw in my two cents from personal experience.  I was a teenage smoker, and there was pretty much not anything that would have made me quit.  As a parent, my eldest non-BPD daughter took to smoking pot in high school, and still smokes it today.  We tried all sorts of ways to make her quit to no avail.  It is so hard to curb someone else's use of addictive substances.  I think all a parent can do is to limit access as much as possible, and absolutely not allow it on their property, in their vehicles, etc.  My parents took a pretty lenient view, which was that they wouldn't let me do it at home, and they basically said if I wanted to spend my own money harming myself, then go for it.  When I was 30, I quit cold turkey, but only because I really wanted to.  I guess I'm just advocating for making your own house an underage smoke-free zone (and your husband is over 18 - so it's not her business), and having a level of acceptance if she chooses to do so elsewhere.  It sounds like that is where you already are, so I'm just supporting your treatment of the situation up to now.  Hope tomorrow is a better day!

[BioAdoptMom3]

Do you have a life insurance policy for her?  Maybe in addition to cutting off the source of funds, tell her if you catch her again you are going to either take the money from her allowance or her bank account each month and put it towards her life insurance policy since it effects her health and will make her premiums go up!

[Thursday]

jellibeans-

I thought I would weigh in on this issue.

My BPDSD22 started smoking when she was 14. She got caught at school smoking on campus, the smoking materials were stolen from her Dad, my DH.

I was new to the family at that time, in fact, this getting caught at school smoking was really my introduction to her then rapidly declining behavior.

My husband began making sure his smokes were under lock and key... .she escalated to stealing money to buy them. In my experience, if a teen wants to smoke they can find a kid who is willing to steal them from their own family, or a kid whose parents smoke and leave cartons of smokes around the house and don't care if their kid is smoking too.

SD would also-

ask her Dad if she could get something out of his car and would raid his ashtray to find "larger butts"

once came into our bedroom (I was in there) and sat on the bed right in front of me and fished around behind her back for a pack my husband had left on the nightstand. I saw her doing this and confronted her, only to have her lie about it.

Banning her from smoking was a joke. She was going to smoke and it was clear she would take bigger and bigger risks to get them and to smoke them. She was also smoking in the house... .since she denied that she was a smoker, she couldn't smoke in the open and twice she started small fires by accident trying to hide the fact she was smoking (she was called away, inadequately snuffed a butt and it smoldered, then caught other things on fire). We didn't find out about these actions until later... .luckily she caught things before the fires got out of control.

Her Mom died of cancer (maybe from smoking) and both of her parents were/are big smokers. I lost my first husband to cancer about seven years after he finally quit his two-three pack a day habit.  I never allowed it in my home during my first marriage... .when I met my first husband I told him I would not tolerate second hand smoke and he (mostly) smoked outside. When I met my now DH, I told him my feelings. He had quit when his wife was ill and was a non-smoker when we met but started up again the first time he had stress (SD cutting) and he hasn't quit again *hopefully someday he will* and he has been respectful about not smoking in our home (mostly).

We did many of the things passim-optimist suggests HOWEVER SD was constantly caught smoking in the house, constantly doing crazy things to get cigarettes- it certainly was a gateway to hanging with a less savory crowd and she had relationships with people BECAUSE they could get her cigarettes. In our community, there are two convenience stores who willingly sell tobacco to minors.

Today, she is a heavy smoker. Her voice has thickened and I'm sure she will sound like a man in another ten years. She and I had soo many confrontations, debates, discussions, educational talks, crying

sessions, anguish about her smoking. Nothing I said or did ever changed it.

SD has conquered an addiction to benzos (Xanax) but she cannot/will not quit smoking. It is an insidious problem. I have no advice.

Having a boundary about smoking in the house certainly slowed her down but didn't stop her behavior. Today, she is in AA and pretty much everyone in AA smokes. She and her Dad smoke together on our patio when she comes over... .a ritualized and shared behavior that I'm sure she thinks is SO COOL- and even though my husband is a reasonable man, he does this with her even when he can see that this is CRAP.

It makes me crazy that she smokes when she lost her Mom to cancer. Makes me crazy that my husband smokes. It was one of my "conditions" about dating after I lost my first husband... .no smokers. At the time I met DH he had quit but within two months of our meeting he picked it back up and although he claims he will quit at some point... .we have been together for nine years and the first thing he will do when he gets up in a few minutes is go outside to smoke.

What am I trying to say with all of this? I don't think you can make your DD stop. I don't even think you can have a boundary about it that she will respect and honor. Smoking is so completely addictive and it's legal (not for our teens but they all know how to bypass that law and really, if a kid isn't on a school campus, who is going to arrest them?)

I wish you success jellibeans. I hate that you are having to go through this because I remember what it was like when I was trying to keep my SD from it. It was a battle I was never going to win and I wasted a lot of energy towards it. I'm not saying I shouldn't have but in the end,

BATTLE LOST.

xoxo

Thursday

[peaceplease]

jellibeans,

That is a tough one!  Actually, the very first thing my dd shoplifted was a pack of cigarettes.  She was 15.  I found out about it some time later.  She gave them my niece's phone number, and she was released to my niece who was over 18.  She claimed to be an older sister to my dd.  The store just gave her a warning, and told her that she was banned from the store.

When my dd was 16, my dh purchased cigs for her.  He thought he was being a nice guy, so she would not get arrested for stealing.   I did not approve.  She would hide the smoking from me.  She smoked outside, as I permitted nobody to smoke indoors.  I was not smoking then(am a off and on smoker), and could easily detect the smell. 

I started experimenting with smoking when I was 16.  I thought that I was cool.  If peers did not smoke, I probably would not have, either.   So, what I am saying is that only  someone in my own age group would convince me to stop.  Funny thing was that I did not inhale.  I did not know how.  So, it was just for appearance sake.  I was not addicted until I learned to inhale at the age of 18.  Then I was a "real" smoker for the next twelve years.  My first quit was when I was 30.  Then I picked it up again when I was 38 during a stressful time.  Can you believe it was in nursing school?  Crazy, huh?  I smoked for 18 months, then quit when I became seriously ill.  And, I picked it up again when I worked at psych hospital and took the patients out for their smoke break.  That smoking period lasted three years, then I quit, again.  I have had a few more off/on times.  I picked it up during extreme stress.  I think that I picked it up after learning that my dd was into drugs.  I quit so many times, people would ask, if I was smoking this week.  Currently, I am not smoking and have been smoke free for the last six months.  It is a horrible addiction and habit!  And, it is expensive!

The best that I can tell you is to try to see if you can find someone who is in her age group to convince her not to smoke.  Also, they may quit more for vanity reasons than for health reasons.  Having someone convince them that it yellows their teeth and causes wrinkles at a young age.

Oh, btw, guess how I bought my cigs at 16 - I saved my lunch money.  I would not eat and hang onto my $ for cigs.  Back in the day, they were only 50 cents a pack!

[jellibeans]

Thanks again everyone... .I value your input into the smoking thing.

I really have not made a big thing of the smoking and I know I can't make her quit. I also smoked when I was a teen for several years... .I finally quit the day I found out I was pregnant with my first d... .I feel my kids saved my life in a way... .I never went back to smoking but I do understand how hard it is to quit because I had tried many times.

I have just grounded her for a week and we have taken her bank card and will no longer give her money. I am not going to help her in any way to smoke and she is not allowed to smoke in our home or in our car that she drives. If I find she is smoking in the car that will be the next to go. I do think making smoking difficult to do does help the smoker quit. This weekend she has been pretty unbareable... .like a caged animal. Complaining how bored she is... .probably craving a cigarette the the whole time.

My issue is with my H right now... .he has been secretly smoking for years... .the deception and betrayal I feel from this is overwhelming... .he is a hypocrite and my dd has lost all respect for him and so have I. I really don't think I can get over this at all and he takes no responsibilty for his actions... .sound familar?

Thank everyone for your support... .it is my favorite day today... .Monday! That is when I get the house back to myself and I recover from the weekend of craziness.

[peaceplease]

jellibeans,

Your dh was hiding his smoking from you for years?  Perhaps, he was trying to save you from worrying about him.  I can recall when I relapsed with my smoking when I was 38, I was sort of a closet smoker, too.  I hid it from my family, with the exception of my dh.(my fiance at the time)   I hid my smoking because I was seriously ill in the past.  I have sarcoidosis and smoking is a huge no-no!  I did not want to worry my family.  I know it is crazy that I ever smoked again, after being so ill.  Smoking was/is like being an alchoholic to me.  I am a nictoine addict in recovery. 

Did he explain why he was so secretive about it?  My dh has been like that with his abuse of his pain pills.  I learned that he asked my daughter for some of her pain pills when she went to the dentist.  They both tried to hide it from me.  My dh has been like that with his moking pot, too.   

Happy Monday!   

peace

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders