Filling custody and feel guilty

[lettinggoletmego]

I am soon going to file custody and I feel bad. I don't want to take our kids away from him. I want to share time so he has time with them. I am planning to move 2.5 hours away and I  know he wont see thm much. To me, inside I prefer that but I feel really bad.

Hear the biggest question, how does he really view his children? Can he really care for them? He says he loves his kids so much and he couldnt handle them not being with him. However, if that true , why doest he work and support them? Why doesn't he clean and ensure them home is a safe environment. Why does he stay up all night then sleep during the day, when he should be up watching them. I work nights so I come home and get one of my girls ready for school. The other wakes up midday. Dad is still sleep. She wakes me up or I wake up because I dont feel her (yes, she sleeps in the bed, she is going to be 4 soon) and give her food. I turn on tv, alot of the times she will just lay with me awake until she falls back asleep. i don't sleep well when shes upp. Sometimes she stays up late and i come home and she is just falling a sleep or still awake. So she will sleep all day. How convenient. Also, I get up early to get my daughter off the bus! What does he do? Im sure he loves them around but children are full of responsibilities. He even said I should at last leave the oldest! He always says that and one day he says the youngest is too young to make that decision. They both are to you 6 and 4. I don't know if anyone experience this but I think he loves the oldest more. he was off at the second child birth. I think that he went into a depression. Is their post partum for men. I really don't want to bring this up,I cry every time. I aborted my third child , he refuse to let me keep the baby. He said if I had the baby, he wouldn't love them and he wouldn't acknowledge them. he would love the our other  kids in front of the baby. I am never sure what he feels.

I feel so guilty, and I feel as though I am taking the kids. I guess that was the point of him telling me things to make me feel guilty. When i say , i want to move he says im selfish. But isn't selfish, leaving the kids behind with him? Im just so confused and feeling guilty. No matter how many times I repeat to myself the benefits, I stay can't shake feeling bad. Has anyone felt this and gone though with custody. Had they had issues? Did the BPD act like the words they said when you first mention leaving.  I know BPDs are more words then action. Anyting will help at this point.

[livednlearned]

I understand. I'm working through this right now myself.

I have full custody of my son. He was seeing his dad for 16 hours a month. I'm filing an emergency suspension of visitation, which will effectively end his relationship with S12.

Even with N/BPDx in S12's life, my son is hungry for male attention in a way that breaks my heart. Even living in the same house with his dad, that kid developed a hole in his heart the size of Texas.

The important thing is that you learn to take care of yourself. Learn what that really means. For a lot of us, taking care of ourselves makes us feel guilty, and that's something we need to work on. It should be second nature to take care of yourself. Many of us grew up in homes where we were raised to feel guilty, obligated, or fearful, and that became our primary way of dealing with the world, with others, and making decisions. If taking care of yourself means moving the kids away from their dad because you'll be closer to family, have a better job, and will have a support network, then do it. You are putting yourself first, and that is a normal, healthy thing to do.

Get your kids into a situation where there are positive male role models, and teach them to have self worth, to have boundaries, to assert themselves, to feel validated that they are enough. Focus on your own healing, and they will heal too. It will hurt to not be close to their dad, but it also hurts them to be close to their dad. It's a double-edged sword.



LnL