My 'adult' daughter with BPD

[jeb]

My 25 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD.  She also has had an eating disorder for 10 years and been hospitalized once in 2003 due to anorexia and then sent to two other institutional settings, one in the States (2006) and one in Manitoba (2012). She is now bulimic and has been since 2009.  She also has been diagnosed by a specialist (psychiatrist or psychologist) with severe OCD (she picks), ADD and anxiety/depression.  She is in third year nursing and is doing well in school but struggles with the workload and needs much emotional support from both her father and me.  I am divorced and my ex has remarried.  The main issue for me is that I have some borderline traits (my psychiatrist says BPD is a spectrum disorder) but I in no way behave as my daughter has.  Unfortunately for my ex and myself, we have let her be extremely abusive towards us always using the excuse that she cannot help it due to the disorder.  I am always walking on eggshells when I talk to her because I never know what will set her off and then I am the target of very aggressive language and lectures on how I do everything wrong. I suffer from anxiety/depression and my divorce and subsequent remarriage by my ex (after a 25 year marriage with me) does not help.  I am at the point where my daughter and I are not speaking to one another (2 weeks now) but I refuse to, as I have done in the past, grovel and beg for her forgiveness.  I have simply said that I am available for her to talk with me when she is ready and it is up to her to make the initial contact.  I also have a 23 year old son and our relationship is rock solid.  Here is my question.  When she does finally make contact, the same pattern will repeat itself and I will once again be hurt (I feel like I wear a sign on my behind that says 'kick me'.  I am in the process of deciding whether I want to be in her life at all because my understanding of BPD is that it can last for a long time.  She also categorically denies that she has BPD so nothing is going to change. I am grieving the 'death' figuratively of my daughter but think for my own precarious sanity I have to make this decision.  Any advice would be welcome.  I often use the quote from Shakespeare "How sharper than a serpent's tooth It is to have a thankless child".  I have bent over backwards for her helping her out and supporting her emotionally but I don't think I can take it any longer.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear Jeb

I want to etend a warm welcome to the bpdfamily... . I am sorry for your struggles with your dd... . I think we all here can identify with the abuse and rage we have all had to endure at one point of another. I found this site around a year and a half ago and it really has helped me but giving me tools to communicate with my dd16. When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

I love the quote you use... . I don't think anyone can hurt me as much as my dd. We have come a long way in the past year and a half and things have got better. I know you are at the point where you keep doing the same thing and keep getting the same result... . I urge to try and different approach... . here are a couple of article I think might help you... . hang in there and keep posting... . we are here for you...


How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

[peaceplease]

jeb,

  I would like to join jellibeans in welcoming you to bpdfamily.  I am glad that you found us here, and I am sorry for the reason you have to be here.  I am the mother of an adult daughter with suspect BPD.  Like jellibeans, I have learned the communication tools through this site.  We have a wealth of information here from communication techniques to setting boundaries, etc.

You have been through a lot with your BPDd and your ex's re-marriage.  Are you in counseling to help you through this? 

I understand the workload of nursing school.  I have been through it, and It was quite stressful.  I felt like I lived and breathed it.  It was quite consuming of my time.  I would imagine that the stress of nursing school would exacerbate symptoms of BPD. 

There are tools that you can use to help you with your relationship with your daughter.  Please look at the resources that jellibeans gave you.

I hope you will join us on the parents board.  You are not alone!

peaceplease

[jellibeans]

Jeb... . I just wanted to bump up this post for you... . i hopes you can find the parent board... . we are here for you

[pessim-optimist]

Hello jeb,  I also want to post a warm welcome to the Parenting board.

I am so sorry it's been such a stressful roller coaster for you so far with your daughter. We have all been on it too... .  

The fact that you are not talking right now must be so very painful. At the same time, it can provide you with much needed peace, time to educate yourself better on the disorder and the ways you can protect yourself better from her abusive behavior, and a breathing space to regroup... .

It's wonderful you have already started reading, and it also looks like you are in therapy? - Those are both very helpful steps on the way.

When she does finally make contact, the same pattern will repeat itself and I will once again be hurt (I feel like I wear a sign on my behind that says 'kick me'. I have bent over backwards for her helping her out and supporting her emotionally but I don't think I can take it any longer.

I am so sorry... . There are many members that come here with the same dilemma. They have helped and helped, and they only get hurt back... .

I have some good news for you though - there are ways to protect yourself from the abuse, and that is very healthy. Also, if you change the way you act (and it looks like you have already started), your daughter will have to adjust to that and find different ways to act herself, and the dynamic of your relationship may change... .

Welcome again, jeb!

[qcarolr]

Jeb-

There is a lot for you to cope with in your life. I sense a lot of guilt in your story -- feeling somehow you have made your D's life worse due to your own issues, inconsistent boundaries... . It is really important to learn that we each have done the best we can with our struggling children. There is so much that is out of our control. Please give yourself some peace - look to your good connection with your nonBPD son to restore your confidence as a good mom. You are a good mom with a very troubled child - regardless of her age.

My BPDDD is now 27. I was dx with bipolarII when she was about 3. She has always been a very difficult child - adopted at age 3 weeks after being in a foster care home ("cradle home" from the first day. I have been very very hard on myself about the "what-if's". I am learning to Radically Accept that she really is who she is and all I can do is to move forward as best I can . I have to really take care of myself first. Only then can I have a chance to rebuild a healthier r/s with DD.

When she is clean/sober on her own meds for depression and anxiety she is more stable. Still has BPD, but not as angry with me. It is really painful when she blames me for everything wrong in her life. She can flip to this negative state at any moment.

The TOOLS at the right are a really good place to start. I often go back for refresher when things flip down. The best book that I have read, focused more on parent/cpd, is "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr. Click the link to see the book review. It is a very hopeful book, lots of current info on BPD based on newest research, and many awesome strategies for improving contact with our kids.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128777.0

Keep coming back. To vent, to learn, to share. We care and understand.

qcr