Dealing with the Anger

[lostandunsure]

I haven't posted in some time. Things have been going mostly OK, with some up's and downs, but mainly improvement.

My wife started her DBT program a couple of months ago and it's been eye opening for her. Learning that her thought processes aren't "normal" and that she really doesn't have the same set of emotional tools that everyone else does has been quite a shock for her. But she's been trying to learn things and move forward. I am worried though at times that she's good with her therapist and in class, but isn't as good as she comes across. She can appear quite stable when she needs to, but at home, when no one else is watching, she doesn't hold it together as well. She's also been having a harder and harder time making herself use her tools, complaining that she's tired of having to use them and that it's difficult.

But the last few weeks things have been... . worse. She's been sick with a rather painful infection. So there have been more dysregulations, mainly sinking into depressions and anxiety, those I can usually handle. But last night was when the anger came back.

She was having a good day. She was using the tools that she was learning in her program, she had even worked on a computer problem without calling me in the middle of the day in a panic. She was excited about her weight loss and things were going well.

It was a nice day out and she decided that before I got home from work, she would take the dog for a walk. (a quick note about the dog: at home she's great, sweet and cuddly, but she has her own set of anxiety issues. People scare her, garbage cans scare her, cars scare her, she barks a lot when she's not in a situation she can control, basically, our dog has BPD.) Our little dog hadn't been walked, like a real walk, since last November, it's been a while and she's not used to it, so she constantly barked, pulled on her lease and caused problems. What was supposed to be a nice relaxing walk, turned into a nightmare for my wife.

This started a chain that led to her noticing all the problems with our house. We have an old house, we probably shouldn't have bought it, but that's a whole other story, last year I broke my leg and a lot of the work I wanted to do just didn't get done. My wife was in no place emotionally to deal with any of the problems herself, she did what she could, but there's a lot of work to be done. So, we have yard work, painting, and other maintenance that needs to be done. On top of that, we need a new roof and the chimney needs work. So, after a stressful walk with the dog, she was reminded of all the problems with the house and the costs involved.

So, when she finally got inside, she was dealing with a lot. I recognized that. I saw it and I tried listening to her describe what she was going through... . To her, it seems that she took my listening and trying to be understanding as judging her and not being sympathetic (i.e. projecting). I tried sitting with her, using SET, suggesting some of her tools, even suggested calling her therapist (an option in her DBT program), this only made things worse, because now, it seems, I was blaming her for everything and wasn't being understanding. She was obviously upset and just couldn't respond to anything I said. She was deep into her secondary emotion of anger and it was all pointed at me. Thankfully, no one yelled, no one threw anything and amazingly she didn't self harm, but she did just get up and walked away.

I was left feeling that once again, I was blamed for all kinds of problems that I had nothing to do with and couldn't fix at that moment, things that I've been trying to work on for some time, but simple haven't been able to because I've been trying to pick up the slack and not getting much support. I know that sounds terrible, she's got a personality disorder and can't help it, but sometimes I just can't take it. So, I got angry myself... . I had to do something and lets just say that the pillows on my bed are much fluffier than they used to be.

After a while, I heard that she did call her therapist. She tried doing some art in her studio to get her emotions out, worked on an emotion chain diagram and other techniques. Meanwhile, I'm upstairs wondering if she's going to come out yelling at me and generally not knowing what to do. Usually I would like to go for a drive, but that's now listed in the "no can do" because she see it as immediate abandonment, besides, she doesn't understand why I would be angry at all. I would should I be angry, it's not like I was being blamed for all kinds of things that I can't immediately fix.

After a while, she calmed down enough to where we could talk. I, once again, put aside how I was feeling and talked to her. Listened to her explain how she felt about what happened, what tools she used and that she was feeling better. But that didn't last long. But basically, from now on, I can't ask if she feels she should call her therapist, I can't suggest tools to use because when she's angry this makes things worse. I asked if we could come up with things together that I could do to help her when she's angry and that almost set off another dysregulation, because she just doesn't know and I had to explain that I didn't expect her to know right then and that we'd talk about it over time and come up with a plan.

It was fairly late and things seemed to be calming down, and I went back upstairs to start getting ready for bed, while she went to fill out her diary card. When she came upstairs, she seemed just as upset as before. She just went to bed. This morning, she, unfortunately, got a call regarding a bill. I got a rather terse text that she was upset about it. I can understand that, but I'm more than a little tired myself as well.

I guess I'm just venting here. I'm just to tired of always having to be the one in control. That has to try to keep things together and juggle all the balls to keep them in the air... . I can't do everything, yet if anything goes wrong, whether I had something to do with it or not, the anger is directed at me. Sometimes I just can't take it.

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[hurthusband]

I haven't posted in some time. Things have been going mostly OK, with some up's and downs, but mainly improvement.

My wife started her DBT program a couple of months ago and it's been eye opening for her. Learning that her thought processes aren't "normal" and that she really doesn't have the same set of emotional tools that everyone else does has been quite a shock for her. But she's been trying to learn things and move forward. I am worried though at times that she's good with her therapist and in class, but isn't as good as she comes across. She can appear quite stable when she needs to, but at home, when no one else is watching, she doesn't hold it together as well. She's also been having a harder and harder time making herself use her tools, complaining that she's tired of having to use them and that it's difficult.

My wife started DBT back in August... pretty much gave up now on them.  Same problem.  I would get to go with her to therapist sometimes, and she would act much better in front of the therapist than with me.  It was frustrating because you want them to get help but you feel they are not being honest.  She complained about feeling worse after the sessions if I went though.  If possible, you might see if you can go just to work on some tools together and figure a way at therapist to make the tools easier.  I think there gets to be a frustration that they are putting in this work, but they do not feel the difference.  I noticed a difference, but she did not so she gave up.  Be sure to compliment her on her progress so she knows there is a difference.

But the last few weeks things have been... . worse. She's been sick with a rather painful infection. So there have been more dysregulations, mainly sinking into depressions and anxiety, those I can usually handle. But last night was when the anger came back.

She was having a good day. She was using the tools that she was learning in her program

This started a chain that led to her noticing all the problems with our house. We have an old house, we probably shouldn't have bought it, but that's a whole other story, last year I broke my leg and a lot of the work I wanted to do just didn't get done. My wife was in no place emotionally to deal with any of the problems herself, she did what she could, but there's a lot of work to be done. So, we have yard work, painting, and other maintenance that needs to be done. On top of that, we need a new roof and the chimney needs work. So, after a stressful walk with the dog, she was reminded of all the problems with the house and the costs involved.

So, when she finally got inside, she was dealing with a lot. I recognized that. I saw it and I tried listening to her describe what she was going through... . To her, it seems that she took my listening and trying to be understanding as judging her and not being sympathetic (i.e. projecting). I tried sitting with her, using SET, suggesting some of her tools, even suggested calling her therapist (an option in her DBT program), this only made things worse, because now, it seems, I was blaming her for everything and wasn't being understanding. She was obviously upset and just couldn't respond to anything I said. She was deep into her secondary emotion of anger and it was all pointed at me. Thankfully, no one yelled, no one threw anything and amazingly she didn't self harm, but she did just get up and walked away.

sounds like my day yesterday.  Things were going great, we have the same set of issues.  Our house is not that old, but she decided to do a small bathroom remodel by putting some tile in tub, it expanded throughout whole house $20k later are on subflooring with the counters torn off in kitchen and cabinets ripped out.  She wanted to do it herself, but now she doesnt and will not accept help.  She wants out of the house.  I know exactly how you feel there.  If you find a solution to that, I would love to hear it.  Only thing I can figure is to tell her that you can do it together one thing at a time.  Sounds like what you tried to do, but like my wife she responded the same

I was left feeling that once again, I was blamed for all kinds of problems that I had nothing to do with and couldn't fix at that moment, things that I've been trying to work on for some time, but simple haven't been able to because I've been trying to pick up the slack and not getting much support. I know that sounds terrible, she's got a personality disorder and can't help it, but sometimes I just can't take it. So, I got angry myself... . I had to do something and lets just say that the pillows on my bed are much fluffier than they used to be.

After a while, I heard that she did call her therapist. She tried doing some art in her studio to get her emotions out, worked on an emotion chain diagram and other techniques. Meanwhile, I'm upstairs wondering if she's going to come out yelling at me and generally not knowing what to do. Usually I would like to go for a drive, but that's now listed in the "no can do" because she see it as immediate abandonment, besides, she doesn't understand why I would be angry at all. I would should I be angry, it's not like I was being blamed for all kinds of things that I can't immediately fix.

your wife an artist too?  Mine just graduated from college with her BFA.  Did all that work and now refuses to touch art again because she says its all politics in art and she does not want to deal with being a failure and schmoozing with people since she cannot keep her anger under control. 

I know exactly how you feel there.  Nothing you can do.  You feel guilty even though you know you did rationally what was right.  you gave it your all and she only lists what you did wrong.  You still feel the guilt. 

All you feel you can do is vent on these forums... nothing wrong with that.  Do it...   Everyone needs somebody to express this too. It is too much to handle alone.  You tell friends or family and they start asking why you are putting up with it.  They distance themselves from your wife, she can tell and it only makes things worse.  No worries on that here.  We all know what its like.  Its hard to know what its like or understand it unless you been there.  Just like having kids, you do not know it nor fully grasp it until you been there

[Love Is Not Enough]

It was a nice day out and she decided that before I got home from work, she would take the dog for a walk. (a quick note about the dog: at home she's great, sweet and cuddly, but she has her own set of anxiety issues. People scare her, garbage cans scare her, cars scare her, she barks a lot when she's not in a situation she can control, basically, our dog has BPD.) Our little dog hadn't been walked, like a real walk, since last November, it's been a while and she's not used to it, so she constantly barked, pulled on her lease and caused problems. What was supposed to be a nice relaxing walk, turned into a nightmare for my wife.

There is always that final straw. This would seem like a minor annoyance to most people who have never heard of BPD, but of course we know better. I have been more diligent about minimizing triggers and it helps some. My partner has been wanting to landscape the front yard, even though the lawn is non existent and I have not been wanting to spend the money on fixing it. With two small children the weekends are hectic enough as it is just trying to get prepared for the next week and spend quality time with them. She keeps talking about it and I just keep agreeing on how nice it would be to have an attractive front yard. I know she is wanting me to jump in and start gathering the stuff to do it, but I know she will never initiate it on her own. If she does start it I know it will turn into a complete nightmare. I know you could not do anything about your wife walking the dog, but start trying to minimize things as much as possible. My partner also wants a dog, but so far I have refused!

I know the anger is tough to deal with. I have finally let go of it and I do not let it affect me anymore. I wish I specifically knew how I made it to where I am now. When she gets angry I just keep telling myself that I am not responsible for her emotional state. Even if she is angry at something I did, I keep telling myself that same thing. I may be responsible for whatever it was that she perceives that I did, but I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW SHE CHOOSES TO REACT TO IT. Really focus on that the next time she gets upset and see if it helps at all. Then self soothe or remove yourself from the situation if necessary.

I try really hard to focus on the positive things now, no matter how small they may be. It sounds to me like there is an improvement. She didn't throw anything and she didn't hurt herself. Hopefully everything she is learning is slowly sinking in. Just keep going with that. I bet it will continue to improve, even if it is slowly. You learned a few things to not do. Just stick to SETing for her EMOTIONS and let her figure out the rest. Hang in there  

[lostandunsure]

hurthusband,

Sounds like our wives have a lot in common. Mine graduated with a BFA in photography and in her last year of college even started a successful business, doing mostly freelance work, weddings, and portraits out of the house. But after a year or two, it became too overwhelming and she either sold or gave away most of her equipment (I tried to stop her, saying that she may want that again someday). She sunk into a pretty deep depression for a couple of years and has only recently started to come out of that. We only discovered BPD last fall and she was just officially diagnosed last September.

She's now starting to do art again, but cycles between being excited about it and then not being able to touch it. She keeps doing the comparison thing, saying "If you want to be good, you have to do it all the time" which then frustrates her because she simply can't do that when she's dysregulated, which causes her to judge herself unworthy of being an "artist"

I do need to remember to come here more often and vent. I forget about it as a "safe" place to talk about these things where people actually understand whats going on. My only fear is that my wife will come here and read what I write. She did once, let's say that the voice in her head read things in a very different tone than what I wrote it in... . It wasn't pretty.

Love Is Not Enough,

Thanks for your suggestions. There is always that final straw isn't there? I thought that I was past the anger myself, but last night it was just too much, my own final straw I guess. I didn't lose control, thankfully, I have have a lot of self control, I kind of have to at this point. Your suggestion of having a mantra at the ready for these times is a good one. I'll do my best to keep that in mind.

There is improvement, and I did point that out to her, sometimes she can see it, sometimes she feels that I'm making things up and being condescending, she's very impatient to be "better". Sadly, I think part of being "better" is accepting that she may not ever have the same emotional tool set that most other people have. It's frustrating for her and I get that, I just get tired sometimes.

Thanks for the support and the ear I really do appreciate it.

[ziniztar]

Hi guys,

It's so nice to read about people that have dpwBPD's in therapy. I think it adds a very different perspective on some discussions.

I'd like to share that my dBPDbf is in therapy for over a year now. There are times when he doesn't feel he's getting any further, especially after a big set back. I think to them it feels like one step in the right direction, two steps back.

But we Non's are there to give some perspective. Set backs in change happen to everyone, and we all need to see the bigger picture. Sometimes people can be so hard on ourselves that we fail to notice the progress that we've made. You can only begin to imagine how lost pwBPD in therapy feel when they:

1) have to deal with and accept the fact they are mentally ill and not "normal", somehow validating their feelings of being less than other people

2) have to deal with the now conscious knowledge they are hurting the people they love the most, but can't control it

3) have to push themselves to even change a little bit

4) only to find out all the effort and therapy is not a miracle medicine that will not take all the horrible feelings away

Once setbacks occur the disappointment and feeling of hopelessness can become even greater. This emotion will pass, too. In the meantime, I have found the following:

In the midst of a dysregulation, do NOT specifically mention the diagnosis / tools / therapy. It invalidates their emotions as it conveys "you only have these emotions because you have BPD, remember?". It's like saying to a woman with PMS that she's only crying because she has her period in one week. Even though you might be right, it is annoying as hell and makes you feel incompetent / even more damaged / ashamed / ... .

In the mean time, the anger is there because you feel trapped in the situation, short of your needs. Work on meeting your own needs and accepting the situation. This will reduce the anger, it really does.

[ziniztar]

PS, this page really helped me 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

[an0ught]

Hi lostandunsure,

sounds like there are general improvements but still there is a lot of anger directed at you. Some is of course driven by her current sickness.

I'm just to tired of always having to be the one in control. That has to try to keep things together and juggle all the balls to keep them in the air... . I can't do everything, yet if anything goes wrong, whether I had something to do with it or not, the anger is directed at me. Sometimes I just can't take it.

Why do you have to? Why don't you let go?

Whenever I read about anger and I also see a member who is doing basically better but somehow not my instincts tell me to ask - how much progress have you made establishing boundaries? Boundaries are limits for us beyond we just bother with controlling ourselves. Not the world. Not the SO. Just ourselves. Boundaries also break the sense of control our SO has wrt. us... That can have a major impact on reducing anger going our way and encouraging self soothing on the side of the pwBPD.

So what boundaries have you established and what do you feel are missing?